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Okay to request a cash gift if specifically asked?

Hey All--

My DH and I have an etiquette disagreement and so I thought I would ask the fine ladies of the TK etiquette board :).

We recently received an invitation to a wedding.  There was NO mention of registry information or request for cash or any of that, as is appropriate.  However, when we called to RSVP, my DH asked them where they were registered.  Their response was they are not registered anywhere and do not need any gifts but, if we want to give them something, they prefer cash.

After DH got off the phone, he commented to me he thought asking for cash was rude and was a bit put off by it.  I felt that, although it is very rude to ask for cash on the invitation (or anything else for that matter), that I didn't think it was rude at all since he had specifically asked them about gifts.

Now I'm curious to see how others feel about it.  Thanks in advance for the input!

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Re: Okay to request a cash gift if specifically asked?

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    If they had stopped at "we are not registered anywhere" they would have been golden. So close...
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    Simply saying that they are not registered would have been enough, or like PP said- "we are saving for XYZ"
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    Did he speak wight he bride or groom? Sometimes grooms aren't as good at tip toeing around the suggestion of cash. Not that makes it any less brash ;)

    There is nothing wrong with saying, when asked where you are registered, we are saving up for the honeymoon (or house or big screen TV or whatever it is you'd like to purchase). But I'd side eye the straight suggestion of cash.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    Did he speak wight he bride or groom? Sometimes grooms aren't as good at tip toeing around the suggestion of cash. Not that makes it any less brash ;)
     
    Stuck in box
    He spoke to the groom.  Good point.  Men are not always the most subtle creatures. 

     
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    They requested that you RSVP by phone? Not saying this is wrong, I just can't imagine how they will keep track of things.
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    It will be a very casual wedding and was actually an e-mailed invitation.  We sent our RSVP via e-mail also, but also called because we were excited for the couple and wanted to congratulate them. 
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    We're (almost definitely) requesting RSVPs by phone or through our wedding website, so I'm not too weirded out by that.

    I'm on the fence, honestly. On the one hand, they did everything else right. But I'm also a really direct person and feel like if someone asks you what kind of gift you'd like, saying, "Well, we're saving up for a vacation to Europe" or something is really passive-aggressive. On the other hand, I can't imagine a world where, "We'd prefer cash moneys please" is appropriate. So I got nothing.
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    This is tacky, IMO. Even just hearing someone say "cash" in relation to a wedding makes me cringe.

    I agree with PP -- they should have just said they're not registered anywhere, and either say that they're saving up for bigger household items, or even that they're unsure as to what they want and didn't want to register just for the sake of it.


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    I can't imagine just straight out asking for cash, even if someone asked me what I wanted.

    I also prefer to give boxed gifts, so if someone told me they wanted cash, I would be annoyed; to me it would be saying that my boxed gift wouldn't be good enough.  Whereas if someone isn't registered at all, I would either give them something very sentimental, or end up just giving a gift card.
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    I went to a shower where the registry wasn't listed in the invite so I emailed the host to find out if the couple was registered. The response I got was 'the couple is looking for money to pay for the wedding and their honeymoon'.

    Could you get any more inappropriate? I gave the Williams Sonoma mixing bowls that I love and have given at lots of showers.
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    @aforeste1 Ahahahaha NOPE. Good call on the mixing bowls. That's one of my go-to gifts. I have 9 mixing bowls (a single huge metal one, a set of three plastic ones, and a set of 5 ceramic ones), and I use them all the time. (We're registering for a set of 10 glass ones. I really love mixing and prep bowls.)
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    SP29SP29 member
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    edited February 2014
    Not terrible, but a bit tacky to outright ask for cash.

    The best response is, "We are not registered anywhere, but are saving up for our first home". (or whatever else a couple may be saving up for)

    People get the hint, but you are also leaving it open to the giver to give as they please. 
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    Eh, I get that it's more polite to skirt the issue, but seriously what's the point in beating around the bush. They already skipped saying it in the invite, and saying  "we're saving for our honeymoon/house" IS saying "we want cash". So I don't see the big deal. 

    Plus like someone said, it was the groom and men aren't super subtle creatures. Also kind of depends on how close you are to these people- if they're close friends then I really wouldn't expect people to beat around the bush, but maybe it would be more appropriate for a distant relative or something like that. 

    So while they're not 100% on the mark for politeness, I wouldn't side eye it either. 
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    Men don't always get it, so I'd let it go. My FI actually loved how one girls straight up wrote "we prefer greenbacks over gifts" on her website. I just rolled my eyes but still wrote out a check. When FI asked if we could do the same, I didn't even respond. I really don't think this guy meant any harm by it.
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    I'm hoping I would have enough class to simply respond, "We didn't register; we only wnat your blessing" or something along those lines.  I also feel directly asking for money or anything else is a bit tacky even when asked, which is another reason I registered even though I really didn't need anything.
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    I prefer when people just tell me what they want when I ask. When someone kind of skirts around it by saying they are saving up for something I kind of roll my eyes a little, especially if it is someone I'm close to. I know it is the polite thing to do but I the way I look at it is if someone is asking what you want you should tell them but only if they ask. You shouldn't just go around randomly telling people what you want or putting it on invitations or anything.
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    I love reading all the different views, even if my DH is "winning" so far, lol.  For a bit more info, the bride/groom are casual friends, but not close friends.  And the groom did mention something about using the cash toward their honeymoon...but it was still said in terms of them wanting cash gifts, if we wanted to get them a gift.

    I think some of why my DH was offended is, like hikebikebemerry's comment, he prefers to give boxed gifts.  I was fine with giving them cash, if that is what they want, but DH's response was, "No, I'm not giving cash for a wedding gift.  Let's get them two nice bottles of wine.  I know their big wine drinkers."  Bit of an odd wedding gift normally, but it's an edible item they will use rather than guessing at something they may not want or need and might only take up space.

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    I love reading all the different views, even if my DH is "winning" so far, lol.  For a bit more info, the bride/groom are casual friends, but not close friends.  And the groom did mention something about using the cash toward their honeymoon...but it was still said in terms of them wanting cash gifts, if we wanted to get them a gift.

    I think some of why my DH was offended is, like hikebikebemerry's comment, he prefers to give boxed gifts.  I was fine with giving them cash, if that is what they want, but DH's response was, "No, I'm not giving cash for a wedding gift.  Let's get them two nice bottles of wine.  I know their big wine drinkers."  Bit of an odd wedding gift normally, but it's an edible item they will use rather than guessing at something they may not want or need and might only take up space.

    Dude, no. It's a wedding - get them Champagne! A good bottle of Dom Perignon or something, if it's within your budget. Just feels more celebratory to me. 

    For what's it's worth, I'm with you on this. If someone goes to the trouble of calling me to ask what I want, I'm going to tell them what I want. I feel like getting upset with the answer is like asking what someone wants, they tell them they want towels, and then you respond with "well I really wanted to buy you a toaster". Why would you ask if you don't actually want to know what would be most useful to them?
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    I love reading all the different views, even if my DH is "winning" so far, lol.  For a bit more info, the bride/groom are casual friends, but not close friends.  And the groom did mention something about using the cash toward their honeymoon...but it was still said in terms of them wanting cash gifts, if we wanted to get them a gift.

    I think some of why my DH was offended is, like hikebikebemerry's comment, he prefers to give boxed gifts.  I was fine with giving them cash, if that is what they want, but DH's response was, "No, I'm not giving cash for a wedding gift.  Let's get them two nice bottles of wine.  I know their big wine drinkers."  Bit of an odd wedding gift normally, but it's an edible item they will use rather than guessing at something they may not want or need and might only take up space.

    Dude, no. It's a wedding - get them Champagne! A good bottle of Dom Perignon or something, if it's within your budget. Just feels more celebratory to me. 

    For what's it's worth, I'm with you on this. If someone goes to the trouble of calling me to ask what I want, I'm going to tell them what I want. I feel like getting upset with the answer is like asking what someone wants, they tell them they want towels, and then you respond with "well I really wanted to buy you a toaster". Why would you ask if you don't actually want to know what would be most useful to them?
    I think of it like this:

    A friend is having a birthday. I offer to take her to dinner and ask where she'd like to go. "Actually I don't want dinner, I want you to give me money to go to breakfast." I'd be annolyed because that's not what I offered. I did want to make her happy but taking her to breakfast doesn't work for me and it was rude of her to change the terms of what I offered.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    I love reading all the different views, even if my DH is "winning" so far, lol.  For a bit more info, the bride/groom are casual friends, but not close friends.  And the groom did mention something about using the cash toward their honeymoon...but it was still said in terms of them wanting cash gifts, if we wanted to get them a gift.

    I think some of why my DH was offended is, like hikebikebemerry's comment, he prefers to give boxed gifts.  I was fine with giving them cash, if that is what they want, but DH's response was, "No, I'm not giving cash for a wedding gift.  Let's get them two nice bottles of wine.  I know their big wine drinkers."  Bit of an odd wedding gift normally, but it's an edible item they will use rather than guessing at something they may not want or need and might only take up space.

    Dude, no. It's a wedding - get them Champagne! A good bottle of Dom Perignon or something, if it's within your budget. Just feels more celebratory to me. 

    For what's it's worth, I'm with you on this. If someone goes to the trouble of calling me to ask what I want, I'm going to tell them what I want. I feel like getting upset with the answer is like asking what someone wants, they tell them they want towels, and then you respond with "well I really wanted to buy you a toaster". Why would you ask if you don't actually want to know what would be most useful to them?
    Champagne is a great idea!  Thanks for the suggestion.  I can't belive that I...of all people!...didn't think of it, lol.  It's my favorite type of wine and I'll drink it for no special occasion at all.
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    I love reading all the different views, even if my DH is "winning" so far, lol.  For a bit more info, the bride/groom are casual friends, but not close friends.  And the groom did mention something about using the cash toward their honeymoon...but it was still said in terms of them wanting cash gifts, if we wanted to get them a gift.

    I think some of why my DH was offended is, like hikebikebemerry's comment, he prefers to give boxed gifts.  I was fine with giving them cash, if that is what they want, but DH's response was, "No, I'm not giving cash for a wedding gift.  Let's get them two nice bottles of wine.  I know their big wine drinkers."  Bit of an odd wedding gift normally, but it's an edible item they will use rather than guessing at something they may not want or need and might only take up space.

    Dude, no. It's a wedding - get them Champagne! A good bottle of Dom Perignon or something, if it's within your budget. Just feels more celebratory to me. 

    For what's it's worth, I'm with you on this. If someone goes to the trouble of calling me to ask what I want, I'm going to tell them what I want. I feel like getting upset with the answer is like asking what someone wants, they tell them they want towels, and then you respond with "well I really wanted to buy you a toaster". Why would you ask if you don't actually want to know what would be most useful to them?
    Champagne is a great idea!  Thanks for the suggestion.  I can't belive that I...of all people!...didn't think of it, lol.  It's my favorite type of wine and I'll drink it for no special occasion at all.

    Are you sure that they like champagne? I drink wine all the time, seriously like all the time, but I hate champagne. If you know they like wine I don't think that's inappropriate at all. I would be ecstatic if people bought us bottles of wine as wedding presents.
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    I love reading all the different views, even if my DH is "winning" so far, lol.  For a bit more info, the bride/groom are casual friends, but not close friends.  And the groom did mention something about using the cash toward their honeymoon...but it was still said in terms of them wanting cash gifts, if we wanted to get them a gift.

    I think some of why my DH was offended is, like hikebikebemerry's comment, he prefers to give boxed gifts.  I was fine with giving them cash, if that is what they want, but DH's response was, "No, I'm not giving cash for a wedding gift.  Let's get them two nice bottles of wine.  I know their big wine drinkers."  Bit of an odd wedding gift normally, but it's an edible item they will use rather than guessing at something they may not want or need and might only take up space.

    Dude, no. It's a wedding - get them Champagne! A good bottle of Dom Perignon or something, if it's within your budget. Just feels more celebratory to me. 

    For what's it's worth, I'm with you on this. If someone goes to the trouble of calling me to ask what I want, I'm going to tell them what I want. I feel like getting upset with the answer is like asking what someone wants, they tell them they want towels, and then you respond with "well I really wanted to buy you a toaster". Why would you ask if you don't actually want to know what would be most useful to them?
    Yes!  My mom does this!. She'll ask what do you want for dinner, someone (me, my dad, my sister) says "cheeseburgers" then she'll say "What about steak?" It's like, fine whatever, but why did you ask then? It drives my dad crazy!
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    I love reading all the different views, even if my DH is "winning" so far, lol.  For a bit more info, the bride/groom are casual friends, but not close friends.  And the groom did mention something about using the cash toward their honeymoon...but it was still said in terms of them wanting cash gifts, if we wanted to get them a gift.

    I think some of why my DH was offended is, like hikebikebemerry's comment, he prefers to give boxed gifts.  I was fine with giving them cash, if that is what they want, but DH's response was, "No, I'm not giving cash for a wedding gift.  Let's get them two nice bottles of wine.  I know their big wine drinkers."  Bit of an odd wedding gift normally, but it's an edible item they will use rather than guessing at something they may not want or need and might only take up space.

    Dude, no. It's a wedding - get them Champagne! A good bottle of Dom Perignon or something, if it's within your budget. Just feels more celebratory to me. 

    For what's it's worth, I'm with you on this. If someone goes to the trouble of calling me to ask what I want, I'm going to tell them what I want. I feel like getting upset with the answer is like asking what someone wants, they tell them they want towels, and then you respond with "well I really wanted to buy you a toaster". Why would you ask if you don't actually want to know what would be most useful to them?
    If a guests asks, "where are you registered?" that may mean, "I want to purchase a boxed gift, what would you lie?" As opposed to, "What do you want for our wedding?" That can mean I want to get you the most useful thing, boxed gift or cash or otherwise. I don't think it is the same thing as what you are suggesting. Some people aren't comfortable giving cash and that doesn't make their wanting to give a boxed gift any less generous or appropriate. If someone want to give a toaster over towels, they shouldn't ask. But someone who wants to give a boxed gift over cash isn't rude for selecting something over than cash after asking IMHO :)
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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        I think I would take it on a case by case basis. Personally, if I ask someone where they are registered and they say 'We aren't registered because we prefer cash, or they are saving for a house, etc.' I am good with it because I did ask and I want to know. 

       We're fine with boxed gifts so we can point them to our registry, but were I hoping for mostly cash and didn't have a registry I'd probably tell my aunt's, who I know really well, that's what we wanted if asked, because I know they wouldn't be offended. If it's someone on my Fi's side or a friend who I am not sure what they would think I would just say 'we're not registered anywhere' and leave it at that.
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