Wedding Woes

Talk about a Catch-22.

Dear Prudie,
My 13-year-old daughter spent a night this weekend at a girlfriend’s house. I know and like this friend and her parents, and the girls have had sleepovers before. My daughter told her father and me a very disturbing story when she got home. She awoke in the middle of the night to someone tickling her belly and quietly chuckling. She was lying on her side facing the outside of the mattress she was sharing with her friend and says this person was a male with whitish hair crouched down beside the bed. It was dark and she was scared to look at his face. She turned onto her other side and tucked the blanket under her back but felt someone poking her and tugging on the blanket. Then a hand rested briefly on her upper arm—and he left. My daughter eventually fell back asleep. In the morning, she told her friend about this, and the friend said she must have been dreaming. My daughter said no, that she’d heard the floor squeak and noted the time (3:30 a.m.) on her friend’s bedside clock. After my husband picked up my daughter the friend asked her father (who has silver-gray hair), mother, and teenage brother (who has dark hair) about it. The friend texted my daughter that everyone denied such a thing could have happened and the whole family was upset. Then she said her father wanted to talk to my husband (who didn’t really want to have anything to do with this mess). The father and mother called and spoke to the two of us. They said this could not have happened—they’re not that kind of family, etc. They were terrified that word of the alleged incident would damage the father’s reputation. I said that I believed my daughter but that my husband and I weren’t planning to pursue the matter any further. The friend’s parents were relieved and grateful; there was talk about the awkward situations kids sometimes put parents in, about having a drink together sometime. (Of course my daughter will never sleep over there again.) I felt good after the phone call, but now I’m wondering if I let them off too easy—and whether I adequately demonstrated to my daughter that I believed her. For her part, she’s just worried that this has ended her friendship. Do you think I handled this properly?

—Second-Guessing

Re: Talk about a Catch-22.

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    edited February 2014
    I totally agree, AuntFlo.  

    And I find it irritating that the husband wants to 'stay out of it'. WTF?  NO, you can't dumbass.  It's your KID, someone was violating her personal space/assaulting her! 
    pinkshorts27
  • Oh shoot, I forgot to even touch on the husband's reaction.  UNACCEPTABLE.
  • Dude's daughter is assaulted, and he doesn't want to have anything to do with this mess?  I want to punch him in the fucking face.
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    pinkshorts27thejucheideaforensicgirla
  • My husband has always said if someone laid a hand on one of our children in any way that was inappropriate, I'd have leeway to use our retirement accounts for bail money. I cannot believe a father would be so nonchalant about this, it's disgusting. And I ditto everything AF said. What does this girl think now? In the future if something like this were to happen do you think she'll make the effort to tell people? Because right now, it just looks like to her that the people who are supposed to protect her are sweeping it under the rug. And that other family sounds quick to deny which leads me to believe there is something going on.
    pinkshorts27thejucheidea
  • tawillerstawillers
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    member
    edited February 2014
    PMeg819 said:
    My husband has always said if someone laid a hand on one of our children in any way that was inappropriate, I'd have leeway to use our retirement accounts for bail money. I cannot believe a father would be so nonchalant about this, it's disgusting. And I ditto everything AF said. What does this girl think now? In the future if something like this were to happen do you think she'll make the effort to tell people? Because right now, it just looks like to her that the people who are supposed to protect her are sweeping it under the rug. And that other family sounds quick to deny which leads me to believe there is something going on.
    Exactly.  I really feel badly for this girl.  Look at what she just learned in this horrific situation.

    I agree with everything that has been said.  The fact that this woman is second-guessing herself gives her the answer.  No lady, you didn't do enough.  And your husband is a shitty human being. 

    ETA:  I don't know how a person can know that someone touched their child/loved one and not feel complete and utter rage.  It's actually starting to boil in me *now*.  I could never imagine feeling more worried about the awkwardness than protecting this girl.

    pinkshorts27
  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 Oregon
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
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    I'm tired of people thinking that they don't want to cause waves. Why would they agree not to tell anyone? Because it might hurt someone's reputation? Well hell, if you believed your daughter then his reputation deserves to be fucking ruined. That way no other parent thinks that it is okay for their daughter to sleep over at their house. By agreeing not to do anything, you basically said that it doesn't matter or that you don't believe her (take your pick, don't know which is worse). If that happened to my daughter (imaginary at this point), you better bet your ass the police would be involved. Even if nothing would happen now, at least they would start to build a record and I would be teaching my daughter that something like that is never okay and she doesn't have to put up with it.

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    PirateBarbieReturnOfKuusacbarcus2
  • This scares the shit out of me.  Just last night 6let was doing something to M2.  She asked him to stop and he didn't.  I KNOW it was just toddler/sibling stuff, but I felt the need to start talking to each of them about their space.  I talked about hurting physically and emotionally.  I also talked about stopping when someone says no and that if someone is doing something we don't like we tell them no and tell a parent.

    I pray they never need this, but I am trying my darndest to prepare them if it does.

    VarunaTTforensicgirla
  • @6fsn - I've started that, too.  It sure ain't easy, but I want her to feel comfortable talking about all of this.
  • I really think it's some of the hardest talks. How do you tell those sweet faces that someone may hurt them some day?
  • I've started it too...mostly in a naming of body parts way, but also in a "this is Buffy's body.  Buffy is responsible for who her hands hit and her foot kicks {NO KICKING THE CAT} and gets to control who she gives kisses too"

    urgle.  Finding the line between "sometimes, I'm the boss and I will carry your screaming ass out of the post office" and "noone can touch you w/o permission" is ending up a bit tricky for my black and white thinker :-P
    AuntFlomrsconn23
  • GBCK said:

    urgle.  Finding the line between "sometimes, I'm the boss and I will carry your screaming ass out of the post office" and "noone can touch you w/o permission" is ending up a bit tricky for my black and white thinker :-P
    To be fair, when she's an adult, there will NEVER be an occasion where it's okay for someone to carry her out of the post office.
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    pinkshorts27
  • True. No postal kidnappings allowed. I'm just trying to give her the 'voice' without having to deal w/ the voice being directed at me during a tantrum. I think I have to live w/ the voice directed at me on occasion ;)
  • This conversation made me remember something and I think I'd do what my mother did (and I think I've posted about this before):

    We had a youth music minister.  Now, nothing ever happened to me, but it did to other girls, mostly inappropriate touching and comments.  We were all around 16-18.  Those girls were my friends; they told me what was going on and asked me to go with them to our youth pastor.  Which I did.  I then went home and was obviously upset, so my grandmother poked around on me until she got me to 'fess up.  She called the pastor and asked what they were going to do.  IDK what was said exactly but the end result was, in some order that night and next day:

    The head and youth pastor went to his house to discuss and pray over these allegations the same night.

    My mother called the police the next day and pulled me from school to do the interview.  Turned out the guy was already a criminal and shouldn't have been allowed around children at all.

    IDK how things went down from there, but the end result was the cops went to arrest him and he was already gone.

    This was probably where the beginning of the end of that church relationship started.  The leadership of the church started in on my mother re: forgiveness and trying to save someone and I'm pretty sure her response included some f-bombs.  Looking back, I firmly believe that nothing happened to me, b/c my mother did instill me with the knowledge that my body was mine, she was obviously involved in my life, and we had the relationship we did.  It made me a very unattractive target.

    TL; DR: you ladies keep doing what you're doing.  It's hard, but I think it's worth it.
    ReturnOfKuus
  • On the subject, Bill Gothard has been removed from leadership pending an investigation, asof today?  yesterday?  it's breaking.

    I'm sure it won't get picked up by the media, but it damn well should.  Gothard = ATI = the cult of the Duggars (and plenty of others).


    (^uh, that's a biased sort of link, because it's the site that started knocking over dominos and making public records of the BS he's accused of diong)
    VarunaTT
  • GBCK said:

    On the subject, Bill Gothard has been removed from leadership pending an investigation, asof today?  yesterday?  it's breaking.

    Seriousness of allegations aside...

    That last name...maybe that's part of the problem.
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    VarunaTTPMeg819mrsconn23
  • That AND he's creepy looking.
    And he used to run a ... thingy in Flint.  It was the precursor to what becameATI

    it's now a res. hall for secular colleges
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