Money... Oh, goodness.

suburbanstepmom

FI parents offered to contribute $5,000 to our wedding. Which was so very nice of them. However, ever since they stated this there hasn't been any money changing hands (either to FI or vendors). I am basing our search for venues and caterers and such based off of a total overall budget which includes their contribution but I don't know how or when it's appropriate to ask for them to pitch in!

Do I just ask them to write us a check and we'll give it out to vendors and such as necessary, or is this is situation where future MIL should come with to interview DJs or Caterers in order to provide them with the money herself.

I am not good at talking to people about money. If it were up to me it wouldn't be discussed at all because it makes me uncomfortable, but I am really scared to move forward and put deposits down with vendors without knowing if/when the extra funds will be available.

 

Any advice?

delujm0

You don't ask them anything.  Have FI deal with his own parents directly.

 

Until you have the cash in your hands, don't count on getting it.  There have been a lot of brides on here that planned a wedding based on promised money that never wound up coming.

pinkshorts27

delujm0 said:

You don't ask them anything.  Have FI deal with his own parents directly.

 

Until you have the cash in your hands, don't count on getting it.  There have been a lot of brides on here that planned a wedding based on promised money that never wound up coming.

This exactly.

Sars06

Plan the wedding you can afford to pay for yourself. The money isn't real until it is in your bank account. These boards are full of horror stories about well-meaning parents who didn't come through.

suburbanstepmom

Thanks ladies! I really appreciate it. I kind of figured as much, but I guess this was all wishful thinking rather than reality. Haha!

JellyBean52513

Just a slightly different piece of advice... 

Let me preface this by saying that I'm TOTALLY on board with the idea of letting your FI handle his side of the family/friends. However, if your FI's mom is anything like my SO's mom, she'd be hurt and probably insulted if he and only he communicated with her about wedding-related stuff. Come to think of it, he might be, too. I could say "Babe, can you please talk to you mom about the money she offered to give us?" and he'd probably say "Why can't you talk to her? She's going to be your mom soon, too." His mom already calls me her daughter-in-law. Depending on your dynamic, this may be a topic you can broach with her.

That being said, the language either one of you use in asking about it could be along the lines of: "We've been doing a lot of research into venues, DJs, caterers, etc., and we're at a point where we can't really move forward without having a clear budget in mind. If you're still planning on contributing the $5,000 you mentioned to us before, we wanted to know if you'd planned on giving it directly to us or if you wanted to pay vendors directly, so we can include you in those decisions as we get ready to make them." 

I know discussing money is a touchy subject, but I personally don't think it's wrong to call someone to task if they've offered something but aren't producing it. You need to know your budget before you make any plans, so it's fair that you confirm whether or not they will be contributing to your budget like they said they would, and how. Others may disagree, but that's my take on it.

misshart00

JellyBean52513 said:

Just a slightly different piece of advice... 

Let me preface this by saying that I'm TOTALLY on board with the idea of letting your FI handle his side of the family/friends. However, if your FI's mom is anything like my SO's mom, she'd be hurt and probably insulted if he and only he communicated with her about wedding-related stuff. Come to think of it, he might be, too. I could say "Babe, can you please talk to you mom about the money she offered to give us?" and he'd probably say "Why can't you talk to her? She's going to be your mom soon, too." His mom already calls me her daughter-in-law. Depending on your dynamic, this may be a topic you can broach with her.

That being said, the language either one of you use in asking about it could be along the lines of: "We've been doing a lot of research into venues, DJs, caterers, etc., and we're at a point where we can't really move forward without having a clear budget in mind. If you're still planning on contributing the $5,000 you mentioned to us before, we wanted to know if you'd planned on giving it directly to us or if you wanted to pay vendors directly, so we can include you in those decisions as we get ready to make them." 

I know discussing money is a touchy subject, but I personally don't think it's wrong to call someone to task if they've offered something but aren't producing it. You need to know your budget before you make any plans, so it's fair that you confirm whether or not they will be contributing to your budget like they said they would, and how. Others may disagree, but that's my take on it.

I actually agree with this. I think your FI can say "hey mom, we're starting to look at stuff. We just wondered how you want to handle the money thing." I only say this because they've already offered. If they hasn't offered, you plan yor wedding without contributions.

Amyzen83

My parents also offered my sister and I both money for our wedding and both of us received it in different ways. My mom was more involved with my sisters planning process and if a deposit on anything was due, she'd contribute towards it or use part of the promised amount towards specific things.

My fi and I wanted to limit the number of hands in the cookie jar as one might say so we have money set asside for the wedding and paid for stuff ourselves especially since my parents have the tendency to take over. I politely discussed th money thing with my mom and asked how they planned on giving the money. Knowing my sister and I are very different in our planning habits I discussed details with her and showed her our financial spreadsheet we've kept of cost budget and spending and because she knew that we'd be having some deposits she directly deposited most of the promised money into our bank acct and the rest she'd hold onto for wedding emergencies that might crop up.

My suggestion is politely ask them in what form they plan on giving you the money

Jen4948

Until you and your FI actually receive the funds, budget as though you will never be getting them.  His parents' promise has no meaning unless they actually follow through with real funds.

And let him be the one to approach his parents about the funds.  Stay out of it.

AddieCake

My father had told me he would pay for our wedding, so when the time came to start planning, I called him and asked him what kind of budget he had in mind. I had no qualms about doing that since he had made the offer to begin with. But notice it was ME who did that and not my husband (fiance at the time) b/c it was MY father. So let your fiance approach them and ask, but do not count on the money until you have it in hand.

suburbanstepmom

Thanks so much for all the different input ladies! I can certainly understand how all familys and family-to-be dynamics can be different. In the end, it all worked out for the best.

Over the weekend FI and I (and FI's son) met with FFIL and FMIL at the venue that we've chosen for the reception. We had dinner there (since it's bar/restaurant) and let them see the space. FMIL stated based on the headcount, price per plate, etc she'd like to just give the venue her CC # for reception payment since it would be right around what they wanted to contribute anyway.

Whew!