I need help again. WWYD?

JellyBean52513

My last big "need help!" post was about my how to get my boss to respect my relationship. You all gave great advice to stop talking my personal life with her. Today my dilemma isn't about that (although she told me yesterday that a client came in who majored in the same thing I did in college and that she TOTALLY thought about hooking him up with me....), but about invites. A few different issues regarding invites.

I've posted before about receiving her STD and being perturbed that she didn't include my SO on it. Fair enough, we'd just gotten back together after a few-week break and we don't formally live together yet, so that's understandable. Well, she told me a few weeks ago that she sent "EVERYONE" a STD, and now she has to figure out who she actually wants to invite. How awesome.

Since then, she has been very vocal about inviting SOs: she is not allowing anyone to bring their SO because "I can't invite some of my own friends because we don't have space at the venue, so why would I let someone bring their bf/gf?" This came up when her cousin got PISSED that his gf wasn't invited. She doesn't care, she gives no fucks. She's said "I'm not even giving my mom a date. She can dance with all her cousins."

Today, I received an invite to her shower. No wedding invite (yet?). As of yesterday, she said still hasn't narrowed down her wedding invite list. I just don't know how to handle any of this. I've said before that we do get along really well (we're the same age) and she's been there for me when I really needed it. But I just can't agree with or condone any of this. I have no excuse for not going to her shower other than I don't think it's right that I attend a wedding party for her without even knowing if I'm invited to the wedding, let alone knowing that if I AM invited, I'll be invited alone. The thing is, she's my BOSS. I can't just tell her all of that without royally pissing her off and facing professional repercussions. WWYD?

happymellow

Suck it up for now.  Your job/career is more important than telling her she's wrong.  She is, but I wouldn't tell her that.  I might make some excuse about unfortunately having to be out of town that weekend or something that you think she would accept as an excuse for not attending, but you're between a rock and a hard place.

AddieCake

I would probably be busy for the shower but send a card.

phira

I would also be busy and send a card. I wouldn't want to buy someone a wedding gift for their shower if I knew they had no plans to invite my SO along with me to the wedding. If you do get the wedding invitation and your SO is invited, you can always buy a gift after that.

kmmssg

The flu is always a good one for getting out of something.  The day before her shower, about an hour and a half before you are done for the day, start feeling a little woozy.  Boom - good to go.  Strep throat works well too.

lc07

Job = more important than correcting her etiquette mistakes. Do what you gotta do.

MobKaz

I also would decline the shower.  I would personally avoid giving an excuse.  The RSVP is to someone other than your boss, right?  Simply decline to the host for now.  

Is it possible that there would be an office shower?  You can always contribute toward a gift for that shower, if by then invitations have been sent out.  

@kmmssg, I am the WORST liar ever!  I would be so nervous to feign an illness that requires medical attention/antibiotics.  I would fear for my life during any potential Q & A!  I would try to find a way to use a truthful or known issue to get out of the shower (if the question comes up after the fact).   OP, do you have a food allergy?  Ooops....you inadvertently ate some of it and had a bad reaction the following day.  You had take-out restaurant food on Saturday and it disagreed with you on Sunday.

MGP

happymellow said:

Suck it up for now.  Your job/career is more important than telling her she's wrong.  She is, but I wouldn't tell her that.  I might make some excuse about unfortunately having to be out of town that weekend or something that you think she would accept as an excuse for not attending, but you're between a rock and a hard place.

Agreed.  No matter how hard it is, anything else will cause problems.  I will offer some slightly different advice.  If you don't want to attend that's perfectly fine and offer the excuse of your choice, but still give her a shower gift.

If you get invited to the wedding - no need for a gift if you got her a shower gift.  If she doesn't like that she can pound sand.  If you end up not being invited to the wedding - no need for a gift there too.  Either way you covered all your bases and gave your boss a gift and that's probably the main thing she wants anyways.

Personally I think it's worth the price of the gift to keep your professional life sane.  

JellyBean52513

Thanks, ladies. I'm struggling with this because 1. I'm a person who really applies her beliefs to her actions-- "walking the walking after talking the talk," so to speak. I mean & believe in everything I say on this board, so the fact that I can't say it to someone I know in person bugs me; 2. We're such a small business, that we're a tight-knit group of people who're close to each other professionally and socially. If she were my friend and solely that, I'd have NO problem calling her out and trying to set her straight. Because she's my BOSS also, I know have to bite my tongue. I hate that more than anything. I tell shit like it is, I've always been straight-forward and those closest to me know & respect that about me (including her! She's the same way, and we've clicked in that way since my interview).

I think I'm going to heed all of your advice (yet again!) and skip the shower, but send a card with a gift (shower invite says gift cards are appreciated, so I'll just fall in line and send one with the card....) Luckily, I just found out that my SO who's a DJ was booked out of state that weekend so now I have a great excuse to be absent lol

Kauris

I just want to add that when declining things, I typically give as little detail as possible, i.e. I had a previous engagement. No details necessary. The more you give, the more people will question.

Amyzen83

I agree with declining the shower invite and give a vague, I have plans type of thing. If by chance you do get invited, then if you feel generous enough, you can get her a gift for the wedding. I either by a wedding gift or a shower gift but never both.

HaileyDancingbear

Is there anyone higher up than her that you could complain to if this becomes a professional concern?  I work for family so I'm not 100% sure about other jobs, but I feel like there has to be some sort of rule against firing/demoting etc. people for personal reasons.  I feel like if you did get in trouble at work for this, there would have to be something you could do about it, someone you could present your case to.  (Or threaten to sue if shit really got real?)

Not that I think it would ever come to that, she sounds impolite but not batshit crazy, which she would have to be to threaten your job over a shower.  I just think you may be a bit more worried about your job than you need to be, of course you shouldn't tell your boss off, but you shouldn't worry so much about missing a shower.  Just give a vague reason for not attending.

missnc77

Giving a vague answer won't be beneficial in her case since it's a small office and she works closely with her boss. As someone who works in a small office closely with my boss, it will come up again. If I go from answering "What did you do this weekend?" with full detail to "I had some stuff I had to do," that would be a total red flag to my boss that something is wrong. Might as well go to her before hand in person saying you won't be able to make it because you really need to go support your fiancé at his gig. It's really important to him, and you regret you'll have to miss. Poker face it up. 

My MOH is hosting a lingerie shower for me before my invites come out since you send those out much closer to the wedding, so that's not odd. I would just work under the assumption you are getting an invitation since you work so closely with her. Don't worry about the rest; it seems to really be eating you up because you want to say something but can't. In that case, just let it go. If I actually gave her a shower present and continued to talk about wedding stuff and then didn't get an invitation, that's when I'd be livid about it all. 

erinlin25

If she is your friend and you truly do not mind going without your BF you can choose to go, but I would have my judgey pants for sure (and would be curious to see what a shit show the wedding is); but as for her guest list situation--it will narrow itself down when all the people not invited with SO decline, so then once she realizes she has all this extra space I'm she will resort to a B list and eventually people who actually go to her mess of an event will probably get to bring their SO has a c-list date

jessicabessica

I would probably attend the shower on the logic that if you are invited to the wedding without your SO (I realize you don't even know if you will be invited), I'd rather only decline one of the events to keep the peace, professionally.  I would rather attend the shower and be done with it and then save your excuse for why you cannot go to the wedding.  

pinkshorts27

HaileyDancingbear said:

Is there anyone higher up than her that you could complain to if this becomes a professional concern?  I work for family so I'm not 100% sure about other jobs, but I feel like there has to be some sort of rule against firing/demoting etc. people for personal reasons.  I feel like if you did get in trouble at work for this, there would have to be something you could do about it, someone you could present your case to.  (Or threaten to sue if shit really got real?)

Not that I think it would ever come to that, she sounds impolite but not batshit crazy, which she would have to be to threaten your job over a shower.  I just think you may be a bit more worried about your job than you need to be, of course you shouldn't tell your boss off, but you shouldn't worry so much about missing a shower.  Just give a vague reason for not attending.

That is really hard to prove. I've worked in quite a few offices and HR is amazing for sexual harassment issues or enforcing training, but not great with office politics. And the higher ups don't want to hear about it generally. I could be wrong about her situation but that is the impression that I have been given during my work-time in industry. 

fleur1870

How bizarre that she's sending STDs and shower invitations before narrowing down the guest list for the wedding.  Isn't that backwards?  Awkward...

STARMOON44

Well, it's rude to tell people their plans are rude, so you can ease your conscience about that.

I would go to the shower because you say she's a friend, but there would be nothing wrong with declining and sending a card. Ditto the wedding. And just get over it.

And it would be great if people wouldn't give out legal advice. There's not really a law that prevents your boss from firing you for saying "mean" stuff about her wedding in any state I've heard of. That really shouldn't be part of your decision making about this.

jessicabessica

@STARMOON44, on your last point, this is one of my favorite Ask a Manager posts ever:

http://www.askamanager.org/2013/10/yes-its-legal-queries-from-a-combined-13-years-of-blogging-about-the-workplace.html

(and sorry for the threadjack)

JellyBean52513

fleur1870 said:

How bizarre that she's sending STDs and shower invitations before narrowing down the guest list for the wedding.  Isn't that backwards?  Awkward...

She told me that she sent "everyone" a STD. Like an announcement.