Etiquette on UNINVITING guests??

jdhb05

Hi everyone! 

So I sent my save the dates out early because my wedding is on a holiday weekend of this year. Since I have, there have been some acquaintances that haven't really kept in contact (me or them) or there are people that I have realized aren't as good of friends as I originally thought when sending out the STD. What is the etiquette in not sending these people wedding invites after already having sent them STD?? I feel like I wouldn't really be sad if the friendship was severed from them not getting an invite, but I definitely don't want to be rude. Help please!

AddieCake

jdhb05 said:

Hi everyone! 

So I sent my save the dates out early because my wedding is on a holiday weekend of this year. Since I have, there have been some acquaintances that haven't really kept in contact (me or them) or there are people that I have realized aren't as good of friends as I originally thought when sending out the STD. What is the etiquette in not sending these people wedding invites after already having sent them STD?? I feel like I wouldn't really be sad if the friendship was severed from them not getting an invite, but I definitely don't want to be rude. Help please!

If you don't want to be rude, you send them an invitation. Anybody you sent anSTD to should be sent an invitation. Now, I will say that I chose to cut a cousin and her husband out of my life a few months before our wedding, so we did NOT send them an invitation. I did not care if it was rude b/c I had already made it clear they were no longer welcome in my life. But you say you won't mind if the friendship dissolves but don't want to be rude. Send them an invitation and let the friendship dissolve naturally if you don't care about it anymore OR don't send them one and be rude. You can't have it both ways.

MyNameIsNot

Etiquette says if you send an STD, you must send an invitation.

Sometimes something like a huge falling out that ends the friendship trumps etiquette, but not drifting apart.  Unless you want your rude act to be the friendship ending move, send the invitation.

This is exactly why you don't send STDs unless you are 100% certain you'll be inviting the person.  

Jen4948

If you sent them STDs, not to follow up with invitations would be rude.

Etiquette does not require that you send STDs to everyone you plan to invite, but it does require the opposite-that you invite anyone you send an STD to, regardless of changes in your relationships with them.

The only people who should even be sent STDs are people you are 100% sure you want there and whose presence is totally essential, as in, the wedding can't happen without them there.  So more casual friends, distant relatives, etc. shouldn't receive them.

CMGragain

This is why I caution people about STDs.  I don't like them.  Yes, you must send these people invitations.  You cannot un-invite them.

jdhb05

so i do appreciate everyones responses, and not to get defensive, but in my "defense", i've never been married before and didnt know there was an etiquette for save the dates! i was just excited and sent them out without really thinking about later down the road. and as i have ALREADY sent them out, right now i'd appreciate more on what your suggestions would be instead of telling me that i should've known better! 

so thank you for taking time so far to respond, but i'd like to hear from people who have sent out save the dates and then didn't send out invites and what their reasonings were for that.  

MobKaz

jdhb05 said:

so i do appreciate everyones responses, and not to get defensive, but in my "defense", i've never been married before and didnt know there was an etiquette for save the dates! i was just excited and sent them out without really thinking about later down the road. and as i have ALREADY sent them out, right now i'd appreciate more on what your suggestions would be instead of telling me that i should've known better! 

so thank you for taking time so far to respond, but i'd like to hear from people who have sent out save the dates and then didn't send out invites and what their reasonings were for that.  

The point of the responses is that you probably won't hear from people who did that.  

You said that you wouldn't "be sad" if these friendships were severed.  If that is the case, then why do you care if what you do is rude?  Either way it will be a friendship ending move.  To not send an invitation to someone who received a STD is rude.  Period.

I do suggest you move forward more cautiously with your future wedding planning.  

CMGragain

No one here has done this.  We all care about etiquette and good manners.

jdhb05

obviously i do care about etiquette and good manners since i posed the question on a public forum; otherwise i would've just done it. my intent is to not be rude and hurt other people. i am merely wondering what everyone's opinions are and quite honestly i feel like i'm being attacked for not knowing the rules of a wedding. i thought this was a community forum where a person could ask for help, not to be pre-maturely judged on character.

so i get it. std without invite = rude. I GET IT. so you girls can relax and please stop responding as i won't be looking at this anymore.

huskypuppy14

jdhb05 said:

obviously i do care about etiquette and good manners since i posed the question on a public forum; otherwise i would've just done it. my intent is to not be rude and hurt other people. i am merely wondering what everyone's opinions are and quite honestly i feel like i'm being attacked for not knowing the rules of a wedding. i thought this was a community forum where a person could ask for help, not to be pre-maturely judged on character.

so i get it. std without invite = rude. I GET IT. so you girls can relax and please stop responding as i won't be looking at this anymore.

My FI's brother and his wife sent STD to everyone on their wedding guest list, and then decided they didn't want that many people at their wedding. My poor FMIL and FFIL had to call people on their list and inform them they were not invited anymore. They were mortified!  Now I don't know why they had to do it and why FSIL and FBIL didn't do it themselves. The point is, people were mad, and rightfully so. Now there is a couple I wish I didn't send a STD to, but it's too late, and we will send them an invite, because that is what we should do. Just send this couple an invitation, unless they did something horrible to you or your FI, why would you want to be rude to them?

AddieCake

Ummmm, I gave you my story about having done it.

CMGragain

"so i get it. std without invite = rude. I GET IT. so you girls can relax and please stop responding as i won't be looking at this anymore."

I am very glad we could help you understand the truth.  Imagine how embarrassed you would feel if you had done this without realizing how rude it was!  Isn't it better to learn this from internet strangers, than to learn it the hard way, after you unknowingly insult your friends and relatives?
You should be thanking us.

Viczaesar

jdhb05 said:

so i do appreciate everyones responses, and not to get defensive, but in my "defense", i've never been married before and didnt know there was an etiquette for save the dates! i was just excited and sent them out without really thinking about later down the road. and as i have ALREADY sent them out, right now i'd appreciate more on what your suggestions would be instead of telling me that i should've known better! 

so thank you for taking time so far to respond, but i'd like to hear from people who have sent out save the dates and then didn't send out invites and what their reasonings were for that.  

No.  You don't get a pass on doing the right thing now because you didn't know what you were doing then.  You must send invitations to everyone to whom you sent an STD, period, end of story. 

Viczaesar

jdhb05 said:

obviously i do care about etiquette and good manners since i posed the question on a public forum; otherwise i would've just done it. my intent is to not be rude and hurt other people. i am merely wondering what everyone's opinions are and quite honestly i feel like i'm being attacked for not knowing the rules of a wedding. i thought this was a community forum where a person could ask for help, not to be pre-maturely judged on character.

so i get it. std without invite = rude. I GET IT. so you girls can relax and please stop responding as i won't be looking at this anymore.

So you asked about the etiquette because you care about etiquette, but you're upset that you got responses about correct etiquette? 

MyNameIsNot

jdhb05 said:

obviously i do care about etiquette and good manners since i posed the question on a public forum; otherwise i would've just done it. my intent is to not be rude and hurt other people. i am merely wondering what everyone's opinions are and quite honestly i feel like i'm being attacked for not knowing the rules of a wedding. i thought this was a community forum where a person could ask for help, not to be pre-maturely judged on character.

so i get it. std without invite = rude. I GET IT. so you girls can relax and please stop responding as i won't be looking at this anymore.

First, calm down.  There's no reason to freak out and get all defensive.  

Posters respond to your question, but they also share a little other information for the other people that read the forum that may not have sent STDs yet.  Also, if you care so much about etiquette, why didn't you read up a little before you sent out the STDs?  

huskypuppy14

I also want to point out that most people on here haven't been married before either, so that's not really an excuse. You had the thought to think of the question, so you should have looked it up before you sent save the dates. And really, it's just one couple, suck it up and invite them.

KittyKaty20

I have a couple that I sent an STD to-right after THEIR wedding, which I emceed- and since then, the Bride has only responded 1/3 times I've reached out, she's left the social group where we met, and she and her husband have severed ties with our mutual friends (who were both in their WP).

I walk around the house saying "I wish I hadn't sent them a Save The Date, I wish I hadn't sent them a Save The Date" but to no avail, because I WILL invite them. I did not have to invite either of them to any pre-wedding parties, and I did not. (See reasons above.) Now, I feel that the burden on accepting the invitation falls to them, knowing that the other couples they've split from will be invited. (I'll find another table at which to seat them.)

And, OP- please chill out. Nobody was rude, until you said they were rude. Keep in mind that these people chose to be kind and answer numerous similar posts on a daily basis. In the event that some brides are lurking/searching, the Etiquette Knotties do their level best to make sure other people can benefit from your question. 

Viczaesar

KittyKaty20 said:

I have a couple that I sent an STD to-right after THEIR wedding, which I emceed- and since then, the Bride has only responded 1/3 times I've reached out, she's left the social group where we met, and she and her husband have severed ties with our mutual friends (who were both in their WP).

I walk around the house saying "I wish I hadn't sent them a Save The Date, I wish I hadn't sent them a Save The Date" but to no avail, because I WILL invite them. I did not have to invite either of them to any pre-wedding parties, and I did not. (See reasons above.) Now, I feel that the burden on accepting the invitation falls to them, knowing that the other couples they've split from will be invited. (I'll find another table at which to seat them.)

And, OP- please chill out. Nobody was rude, until you said they were rude. Keep in mind that these people chose to be kind and answer numerous similar posts on a daily basis. In the event that some brides are lurking/searching, the Etiquette Knotties do their level best to make sure other people can benefit from your question. 

Nobody was rude, even then.

LondonLisa

jdhb05 I know what it is like when you are planning a wedding and you get over excited. However, now you know that there is no proper way to do what you are proposing. It is uninviting, which is a friendship ending move. I'm sorry, but the only thing you can do without ruining these friendships and being very rude is to invite these people. Even if I weren't one of the people uninvited, I would seriously reconsider my friendship/ attending the wedding of someone who did do this. It is very hurtful and just plain mean.

There is no proper way to do it because it is just wrong- just like there is no "proper" way to slap someone or insult someone by prefacing it with "no offense".

Chalk this up to getting ahead of yourself, but you have to own this mistake. Even if it is a costly mistake, you MUST invite these people. 

kgd7357

I sent one I wish I didn't. The guy is great, but we drifted apart when he moved. I'm still sending the invite. It'll be fine if he comes, but I'm guessing he probably won't make the cross-country trip. If you really don't care about the friendship, just don't send them and be rude. If you want to be friendly, if not friends, just send them. They may or may not come. 

lkristenj

I can give you my perspective on being someone "uninvited" in this way.

In college, we had a group of about 20 people that we went through school with. Although we had cliques within this group, generally, we all did things together. We were bound together through an organization and spent all 4 years in the same dorm on the same floor together. Most weddings of people in this group have invited ALL of the other members of this group. I plan on doing the same at my wedding. We call ourselves "buddies" and I know I want all my buddies at my wedding that can attend.

For one such buddy wedding, all the buddies were sent Save-the-Dates. We all made arrangements, took off work, planned to travel, etc as part of saving the date. Some in the military even requested leave and bought plane tickets to fly across the country.

Time went by and I didn't get my invitation. I supposed it had been lost in the mail, etc. It didn't really matter. The website information was on the STD card, so I knew when/where to be. I didn't think much of it.

The weekend of the wedding, we started talking to each other more and making plans to do things together before/afterward and it came out that several of us didn't actually get an invitation. STD card yes, invitation no. Most of us assumed, like I did, that it had been lost in the mail or something. But, that happening to so many of us couldn't be coincedence. So, the day before the wedding one of my buddies called to ask the groom (a buddy) about the wedding. He informed her that those who didn't get invitations weren't invited. He said they had to cut down the number of guests for budget reasons and only about 5 of the 20 would get to go.

Needless to say, we were angry. Not only because we were uninvited, but because no one TOLD us we were uninvited. We had all made plans to be there. It was the first and only buddy wedding that did not include all of us. Even the ones out of state invited us all, though most couldn't travel during the holiday weekend the wedding fell on. The burden of letting everyone know fell to the buddy who called and talked to the groom. The groom did not tell any of us that we were uninvited, even after it came out that we didn't know.

It has been three years since this wedding and I still bristle about it. I had made arrangements to travel across the state and go out of my way to bring my dogs to my parents so that I could be away for the weekend. Many could not get hotel reservations back. Some traveled back to this state for a weekend for no reason and had to find something else to do. It inconvenienced a lot of people. No one expected to be uninvited.

So, I will say this. If you ARE going to cut the guest list and uninvite people that you've sent a STD to (which is rude, but you know this) then you MUST tell them that they are uninvited. Merely not sending an invitation and expecting them to get the hint is not enough. At least, that's my opinion from my experience with being uninvited in this way.

theartistformerlyknownas

Another vote for "invite them anyway." If you've really drifted apart that much or they're not as close as you thought, maybe they just won't come and the friendship will continue to die a natural death. Or maybe they'll come and you'll develop a stronger friendship over it and you'll be glad you reconnected. If the friendship hasn't completely ended yet, I wouldn't let the consciously rude choice of not sending an invite be the thing that ends it. That's something that defines your character, and it doesn't sound like that's something you're ok with.

JeeGooDowster

LOL'ing right now...OP is not going to read any more!!

Hysilvinialithibel

lkristenj That is terrible and I would have been very confused and hurt... I was just wondering what the group of you had thought about RSVPing, though? If you didn't get an invitation, you wouldn't have been able to RSVP, did you talk to the couple during this time and figure that was your reply and they just didn't mention anything to you? 

dewdropdana

I am having a similar regret as the poster. My fiance and I both come from large families. So we sent out our save-the-dates with our ideal guest list in mind. We were then later contacted by 3 other long distance famliy members (and their spouses) asking if they were invited, we said no due to our budget.

After being pressured by family, we sent them save-the-dates and explained the situation on how we could allow more guests. After this, we haven't heard anything from all of them, nor have they RSVP'd to any other pre-wedding events, sent gifts or returned calls. We are angered by their actions and would really like to not invite them at this point.