Etiquette

Plus 1

For several family weddings I have attended as an adult woman, I was not offered a guest.  Which was fine, because my time was spent with family and I never felt left out

I'm wondering if I am allowed to do the same for our family members (cousins) who are adults (that do NOT have a significant other in their life at the moment).

I have several male cousins who are currently single, and if given the opportunity to bring a guest, I feel they would bring random girls.  Which is their prerogative, but I'm not sure how I feel about random girls at my wedding. 

Any insight would be helpful!!
s-aries8990

Re: Plus 1

  • Grabows14Grabows14 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2014
    If it's in your budget sure. As long as you make sure that they don't have a SO at the time your invites go out, I think you are fine not inviting a guest with them.

    FWIW, we are giving everyone a plus 1.

    ETA you should probably change your username to something that isn't your first name @knotporscha
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    doeydo
  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird Bawlmer member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    You are not obligated to offer any single guest a guest

    Couples should be invited together, so they don't get a "plus one".
    doeydo
  • Thanks for the advice!!

    I'm not sure where to change username though and I did some searching!
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    You have to PM @knotporscha to change your username.

    doeydo
  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear Arkham Asylum member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    You're not obligated to give plus ones to single people, but when you're writing the guest list up write a plus one next to their name- because you don't know who will STAY single. 

    If one of your single guests starts dating someone before you send out invites, you should invite that SO- It's much easier to just assume they will all have a SO that needs to be invited by the time invites go out, and budget for that, than it is to deal with squeezing in extra people you didn't budget for.  
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    s-aries8990
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    It's nice if you have money in the budget, but you don't have to give truly single plus-ones. Ditto Hailey, though. There is always the chance one or more of them WILL be dating someone by invitation time, so I always say it's best to give yourself some wiggle room there, both with budget and capacity numbers.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Yep - budget your money and venue space to allow them a plus-one, but if when the time comes to send out the invites they don't have any SOs, send them solo invites and enjoy the little cushion.
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    LDay2014
  • I am P.O.'d that one of my girlfriends noted that she will be bringing her boyfriend.  I do not know his name, she did not call me and I  am less than pleased.  The invitation was worded to "Susan" , not to Susan and guest"My 17 year old neice wanted to bring 'boyfriend du jour" and I was so upset I did not even answer her. . And then when a cousin replied, she wrote down THREE since she is bringing her 3 year old.  She could have asked!  They should KNOW the ettiquette!!!!  What part of INVITATION are people NOT understanding.  I am sure it will all even out in the end and I will be fine but I am so resentful at these stupid people. Arrrggghhh!
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Your friend SHOULD bring her boyfriend, and you should be happy to let her.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am P.O.'d that one of my girlfriends noted that she will be bringing her boyfriend.  I do not know his name, she did not call me and I  am less than pleased.  The invitation was worded to "Susan" , not to Susan and guest"My 17 year old neice wanted to bring 'boyfriend du jour" and I was so upset I did not even answer her. . And then when a cousin replied, she wrote down THREE since she is bringing her 3 year old.  She could have asked!  They should KNOW the ettiquette!!!!  What part of INVITATION are people NOT understanding.  I am sure it will all even out in the end and I will be fine but I am so resentful at these stupid people. Arrrggghhh!

    @katydid1953 YOU should know etiquette. Your friend has a boyfriend. It doesnt matter whether you know his name or have met him. He need to be invited. And if you dont want your cousin to bring her kid, call her and tell her the kid isnt invited. But be prepared that she may decide not to come.
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  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear Arkham Asylum member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I am P.O.'d that one of my girlfriends noted that she will be bringing her boyfriend.  I do not know his name, she did not call me and I  am less than pleased.  The invitation was worded to "Susan" , not to Susan and guest"My 17 year old neice wanted to bring 'boyfriend du jour" and I was so upset I did not even answer her. . And then when a cousin replied, she wrote down THREE since she is bringing her 3 year old.  She could have asked!  They should KNOW the ettiquette!!!!  What part of INVITATION are people NOT understanding.  I am sure it will all even out in the end and I will be fine but I am so resentful at these stupid people. Arrrggghhh!
    The 17 year old does not have to be allowed a date, and it was rude that your cousin RSVPd with a child that wasn't invited.  You'll need to make a few calls to clarify who the invitations were for in these cases. 

    Depending on the timing, however, the bold could be a faux pas on your part.

    If she was single when you sent out invites, I could see why you'd be frustrated by suddenly having another person added on without warning.  You should do your best to squeeze him in, but if you've already given your vendors final head counts, there isn't much you can do, and you should explain this to your friend.  

    But if this relationship was going on before you sent out invites, it is absolutely your bad for not inviting her SO, even if you don't know him too well- you're expecting these people to come and celebrate your relationship, so disregarding other people's relationships by leaving out their SO's can come across as hypocritical and chances are your friend will be offended by her SO not being invited.  If she was dating him when invites went out, just let him come and be glad she didn't quite notice your mistake.
    image
  •  Ah, but ladies...I did not know anything about the boyfriend. I knew she was divorced and living alone. So this is a new relationship so I am not sure he is a "significant" other.   She could have called and ASKED. Of course, I will make a place for him. She has been married twice.  And I still think she should know that an invitation is just that.  There are two people who cannot make it because of family health issues. So the number will not change. The 17 year old does not live with her parents so she was given a separate invite.

    When I was single....even if I was dating someone....I would never ever assume an invitation addressed just to me gives me the right to add Mr. Right Now. 

    How about this..."Hi, Katy. I just got your invitation and I am thrilled for you.  You probably do not know but Mr Right Now and I are exclusive with each other and we have fallen in love.  I would so much enjoy bringing him with me to share in your joy.  Would that be possible?" And I would reply..."Of course, Susan.  If you give me his name and address and I will be happy to send him an invitation so he knows he is welcome."   And that would be followed by..."we should get together for coffee.  When will you both be available?  I would love to meet him!"

     

    I was looking for support from you ladies.  Not a rebuke.  Geez.... 

     

     

     

  • @katydid1953
    Yes, it would have been nice for her to call you...but if she has deemed him her boyfriend you have no course but to allow her the +1.

    Be a gracious host and let her celebrate your relationship while you honour hers.
    lc07
  • Regardless of whether you think the SO should be invited with the friend, I think it was rude of the friend to RSVP for two when the invitation was addressed only to her. Sounds like she did not even include his name on her note. If she felt strongly about bringing him to the wedding she should have called, told you she was dating (insert name here) and politely asked if she could bring him. Just sending a reply card for her plus mystery guy seems passive aggressive and presumptuous to me.
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

     Ah, but ladies...I did not know anything about the boyfriend. I knew she was divorced and living alone. So this is a new relationship so I am not sure he is a "significant" other.   She could have called and ASKED. Of course, I will make a place for him. She has been married twice.  And I still think she should know that an invitation is just that.  There are two people who cannot make it because of family health issues. So the number will not change. The 17 year old does not live with her parents so she was given a separate invite.

    When I was single....even if I was dating someone....I would never ever assume an invitation addressed just to me gives me the right to add Mr. Right Now. 

    How about this..."Hi, Katy. I just got your invitation and I am thrilled for you.  You probably do not know but Mr Right Now and I are exclusive with each other and we have fallen in love.  I would so much enjoy bringing him with me to share in your joy.  Would that be possible?" And I would reply..."Of course, Susan.  If you give me his name and address and I will be happy to send him an invitation so he knows he is welcome."   And that would be followed by..."we should get together for coffee.  When will you both be available?  I would love to meet him!"

     

    I was looking for support from you ladies.  Not a rebuke.  Geez.... 

     

     

     

    If he's her boyfriend and is invited to your wedding as a guest of a guest (your friend Susan is the invited guest here) why are you sending him his own invitation?  He needs to be included on her invitation even if they don't live together.  Although, it sounds like for you that ship has sailed.  I'm a little surprised you're not more embarrassed about not knowing your friend who is a good enough friend to witness your nuptials is seeing someone, actually.  If I wasn't sure if one of my friends was seeing someone, I asked before I sent out invitations.

  •  Ah, but ladies...I did not know anything about the boyfriend. I knew she was divorced and living alone. So this is a new relationship so I am not sure he is a "significant" other.   She could have called and ASKED. Of course, I will make a place for him. She has been married twice.  And I still think she should know that an invitation is just that.  There are two people who cannot make it because of family health issues. So the number will not change. The 17 year old does not live with her parents so she was given a separate invite.

    When I was single....even if I was dating someone....I would never ever assume an invitation addressed just to me gives me the right to add Mr. Right Now. 

    How about this..."Hi, Katy. I just got your invitation and I am thrilled for you.  You probably do not know but Mr Right Now and I are exclusive with each other and we have fallen in love.  I would so much enjoy bringing him with me to share in your joy.  Would that be possible?" And I would reply..."Of course, Susan.  If you give me his name and address and I will be happy to send him an invitation so he knows he is welcome."   And that would be followed by..."we should get together for coffee.  When will you both be available?  I would love to meet him!"

     

    I was looking for support from you ladies.  Not a rebuke.  Geez.... 

     

     

     

    If he's her boyfriend and is invited to your wedding as a guest of a guest (your friend Susan is the invited guest here) why are you sending him his own invitation?  He needs to be included on her invitation even if they don't live together.  Although, it sounds like for you that ship has sailed.  I'm a little surprised you're not more embarrassed about not knowing your friend who is a good enough friend to witness your nuptials is seeing someone, actually.  If I wasn't sure if one of my friends was seeing someone, I asked before I sent out invitations.
    That's technically what Miss Manners and Emily Post say you should do - that you shouldn't treat the guests of your guests as second tier guests.

    Not that that's what I'm doing, but there is a reason for sending him his own invite. It's old school etiquette. I asked FI's mom for the last name of her beau and she gave me his address with it. Yeah, no, he'll be on your invite.
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  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    @MGP thanks, just crying at work because your story is so sweet and awesome.
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    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited March 2014
    phira said:
    @MGP thanks, just crying at work because your story is so sweet and awesome.
    Stories like this make up for the BS ones I have aka my House Party Saga.  :)
    grumbledore
  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 Oregon member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    MGP said:


    phira said:

    @MGP thanks, just crying at work because your story is so sweet and awesome.

    Stories like this make up for the BS ones I have aka my House Party Saga.  :)


    I thought that was going a different way and loved the ending. :)

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  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

     Ah, but ladies...I did not know anything about the boyfriend. I knew she was divorced and living alone. So this is a new relationship so I am not sure he is a "significant" other.   She could have called and ASKED. Of course, I will make a place for him. She has been married twice.  And I still think she should know that an invitation is just that.  There are two people who cannot make it because of family health issues. So the number will not change. The 17 year old does not live with her parents so she was given a separate invite.

    When I was single....even if I was dating someone....I would never ever assume an invitation addressed just to me gives me the right to add Mr. Right Now. 

    How about this..."Hi, Katy. I just got your invitation and I am thrilled for you.  You probably do not know but Mr Right Now and I are exclusive with each other and we have fallen in love.  I would so much enjoy bringing him with me to share in your joy.  Would that be possible?" And I would reply..."Of course, Susan.  If you give me his name and address and I will be happy to send him an invitation so he knows he is welcome."   And that would be followed by..."we should get together for coffee.  When will you both be available?  I would love to meet him!"

     

    I was looking for support from you ladies.  Not a rebuke.  Geez.... 

     

     

     

    Did you bother to contact her prior to sending invitations and ask if she was seeing anyone?  If not, you're the one in the wrong.



    MGP
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