can I have my guest buy their own dinner between...

QueerFemme

No one is being rude. People are saying what your guests will likely be thinking. Even if they love you, they still don't want to subsidize your wedding expenses. They may not say it to your face, but people will still think it.

You don't have to be stuck up to properly host your friends and family. There are a ton of ways to cut costs without being rude.

chibiyui

rbradford19 said:

Most of the weddings I have been to have a cash or partial cash bar. Maybe my friends and family are more respectful of the fact that weddings are expensive for a young couple to afford than yours are. I use the word bitches because some of you are tearing me apart for exploring ways to incorporate things that are important to me and my fiancé that conflict into one wedding. Obviously you're too stuck up and terrified of going against ''miss manners'' to show some respect to someone that is trying to plan an event for the first time. Or maybe just too insecure about their own plans. A perfectly mannered wedding won't make your marriage work if you're this rude to a stranger!

My mom's side of the family has had either dry weddings or cash bars. (Mom's marriage to my step-dad was dry) It wasn't until I got older and more out in the world that I realized cash bars were rude. I learned how to budget, and so FI and I are doing beer, wine and two cocktails, we're also supplying our own booze so we can easily track the costs.

But, no one is saying you have to do top-shelf open bar. You can do one or two signature cocktails, save a bunch of money and still properly host your guests. Or you can do wine and beer. Or open bar with well drinks. There are plenty of budget friendly options.

You and your FI need to come to a compromise, because while I wouldn't say anything about a cash bar at the wedding, I will bitch about a 2 hour gap where I have to find my own dinner. That is something you will lose friends and respect over.

Signed,
Bitchy McBitcherton.

LondonLisa

OP, there is no need to get defensive. The only thing people are saying you shouldn't do is have a gap and ask your guests to pay for anything. You mention that we are tearing up your ideas that are really important to you, which definitely isn't the case as I don't believe having a cash bar and a gap is so important to you. 

Have your garden wedding, it sounds great. Have a cocktail party- super fun! No one is telling you not to do that. What we are saying is it is rude to have your guests wait for 2 hours whilst you take pictures, pay for their meal, and then pay for drinks. There are ways you can have it all such as:

Get married at 2pm, start your cocktail reception at 2:30 and finish by 5:30. This way you don't have to serve a full meal so you can host your friends drinks, HDs, and cake. 

Or start your ceremony at 8pm (depending on your location, if you have your ceremony in July this will be around sunset and really pretty) then have cocktails and dessert from 8:30

You can do a first look or a separate wedding photoshoot on another day to get all the photos you want without having a gap. Check out this blog another poster put on a different wall- it really changes a lot of people's perspectives of the first look: http://thechansons.com/?p=6281

And honestly, everyone here gave you good advice. There is no need to call names. There are plenty of brides who were young and on a budget that can really give you good ideas and help you, but, frankly, it is really not OK to swear and attack other people. No one was attacking you.  

artbyallie

rbradford19 said: Most of the weddings I have been to have a cash or partial cash bar. Maybe my friends and family are more respectful of the fact that weddings are expensive for a young couple to afford than yours are. I use the word bitches because some of you are tearing me apart for exploring ways to incorporate things that are important to me and my fiancé that conflict into one wedding. Obviously you're too stuck up and terrified of going against ''miss manners'' to show some respect to someone that is trying to plan an event for the first time. Or maybe just too insecure about their own plans. A perfectly mannered wedding won't make your marriage work if you're this rude to a stranger!





(Knot Gods, why do my quote boxes not work half the time?!?!?)
Uh, no. What's not respectful is forcing your guests to spend their money at an event you're hosting.

NYCBruin

rbradford19 said:

Most of the weddings I have been to have a cash or partial cash bar. Maybe my friends and family are more respectful of the fact that weddings are expensive for a young couple to afford than yours are. I use the word bitches because some of you are tearing me apart for exploring ways to incorporate things that are important to me and my fiancé that conflict into one wedding. Obviously you're too stuck up and terrified of going against ''miss manners'' to show some respect to someone that is trying to plan an event for the first time. Or maybe just too insecure about their own plans. A perfectly mannered wedding won't make your marriage work if you're this rude to a stranger!

Yes, the posters who are concerned about their guests' comfort are the ones whose marriages won't work out.  Definitely not the poster who can't think about anyone but herself.  Because the cornerstone of a good marriage is refusing to compromise even if it means being rude, selfish or hurting people you care out.

AddieCake

I don't know why you say people are stuck up or that we don't understand not being able to afford booze just because we tell you a cash bar in inappropriate. Once again, DRY WEDDING or LIMITED BAR. It's not rude to your guests not to have alcohol. It IS rude to ask them to pony up cash to help pay for your reception. And the only person being rude or disrespectful in this thread is you by calling us bitches.

2leadsingers

I have only been to one cash bar in my life, it was an out of state wedding in which I knew the B & G and a handful of friends. I left my cash and credit cards locked in a safe in my suitcase at the hotel and only brought my ID, cell phone, and insurance information in my tiny clutch. I had no idea cash bars even existed, having been to about 10 or 12 family weddings before that point. I was also the first one to leave the wedding because its a little not fun to be the only one without a glass of wine in your hand in a place where you don't know many people. I have never said anything to the Groom (who is still a good friend 6 years later and he is divorced and remarried) and wouldn't because my friendship is important, but that night I was a little hurt that he they had expected 40 OOT fresh out of college kids to travel, stay in a hotel, drive 40 minutes from ceremony to reception, 40 minutes back to hotel, and pay for our own beverages. It would have been fine if there hadn't been any available at all. Don't have a cash bar. 

HisGirlFriday13

How has this OP been around for NINE YEARS and doesn't think cash bars are rude?? I mean, seriously, WTF??

Jen4948

HisGirlFriday13 said:

How has this OP been around for NINE YEARS and doesn't think cash bars are rude?? I mean, seriously, WTF??

If she's only attended weddings with cash bars, and only associates with people who think cash bars are acceptable, then she's not going to know differently-seriously.

P.S.  This is not a defense of her views at all, because I fully agree that cash bars are among the biggest wedding etiquette sins.  It's just that unfortunately, they're common enough that many people don't realize that.

AddieCake

She may have created an account 9 years ago but not really been around here.

grumbledore

rbradford19 said:

So it is perfectly acceptable to have a dry wedding, but giving guests the option of buying a glass of wine if they really want one instead of your fruit punch is not? So glad you bitches aren't my friends. Go do exactly as Emily Post tells you if that is what makes you happy.

Stay classy @rbradford19

If you'd do what you plan to do after getting some excellent advice to the contrary, then I'm glad we're not friends.

AddieCake

She IS the OP, Grumbledore.

grumbledore

@AddieL73 - yeah I realized that and edited, my bad!

MobKaz

rbradford19 said:

Most of the weddings I have been to have a cash or partial cash bar. Maybe my friends and family are more respectful of the fact that weddings are expensive for a young couple to afford than yours are. I use the word bitches because some of you are tearing me apart for exploring ways to incorporate things that are important to me and my fiancé that conflict into one wedding. Obviously you're too stuck up and terrified of going against ''miss manners'' to show some respect to someone that is trying to plan an event for the first time. Or maybe just too insecure about their own plans. A perfectly mannered wedding won't make your marriage work if you're this rude to a stranger!

@rbradford19 also said.....".It really isn't a money issue. It's a small group of close family and friends (35 people)."

If it isn't a money issue, then why would you want to treat your guests in such an ill-mannered way?  No one is telling you that you need to spend a certain amount of money.  But you do need to be a gracious host.  Host what you can afford.  If you cannot or choose not to include something, then omit it entirely.  You should never expect a guest to spend money at your wedding.

What is "stuck up" is thinking that you are so special that guests would be willing to pay to join you on "your" day.

TheGrimReaper

Let's set the scene. It's your wedding day.  You have a lovely ceremony in a garden surrounded by your family and friends.  After this beautiful ceremony, everyone begins to gather and plan to head over to the reception.  In walks our bride:

"OK, everyone, go find dinner by yourselves somewhere and come back here in 2 hours to eat more even though you just ate dinner and also buy your own drinks!"

The bride and groom exit, leaving their guests stunned and staring at the direction of their exit, blinking dozens of times. 

Two hours later, our bride and groom enter the reception. No one is there.

Fin.

Sincerely,

THE bitch.

singinchick13

@mobkaz

Don't tell the OP to eliminate something entirely, she may get the wrong idea....she's already trying to eliminate dinner.

CMGragain

OP, if you don't care about good manners, then why even post on the Knot?  We all care about our guests enough to make them comfortable at weddings.  If you think that etiquette = "stuck up bitches", then you don't belong here.  Name calling is something that children sometimes do on playgrounds - not adults on the Knot.

sasarahe

You could have a late afternoon first look and pictures with your bridal party. Take the bridal party out for dinner then start your ceremony and cocktail reception after dinner time.

artbyallie

sasarahe said:

You could have a late afternoon first look and pictures with your bridal party. Take the bridal party out for dinner then start your ceremony and cocktail reception after dinner time.

This could also work.

climbingsingle

It really isn't a money issue. It's a small group of close family and friends (35 people). I want the ceremony in a garden nearby because I know the photos would be beautiful, but I love the idea of a cocktail party reception with fussy hors d'oeuvres, martins, champagne... I just can't make these conflicting ideas work! But I will say that I don't agree that a cash bar is rude. It's rude to show up as a guest and expect to be pampered and indulged with all sorts of freebies. The bride and groom are the only people that deserve to be pampered on their wedding day.

Viczaesar

@KnotPorscha, you can lock a thread within hours but 2+ days after @rbradford19 calls everyone here bitches and no response?  WTF?

theartistformerlyknownas

rbradford19 said:

Most of the weddings I have been to have a cash or partial cash bar. Maybe my friends and family are more respectful of the fact that weddings are expensive for a young couple to afford than yours are. I use the word bitches because some of you are tearing me apart for exploring ways to incorporate things that are important to me and my fiancé that conflict into one wedding. Obviously you're too stuck up and terrified of going against ''miss manners'' to show some respect to someone that is trying to plan an event for the first time. Or maybe just too insecure about their own plans. A perfectly mannered wedding won't make your marriage work if you're this rude to a stranger!

Nobody is tearing you apart. But if you ask a random sample of strangers, from all walks of life and all over the world, whether they think something is ok and they ALL say no, do you really still think it's ok? It's better to realize something is rude from strangers than to offend some or all of your loved ones. 

Your wedding day is not all about the bride and groom or about bending everyone to fit your wishes or vision for the day. It's about having the people you love and who love you witness your vows to each other, and then thanking them for their support of your matrimony by having a party FOR THEM. No matter what TLC shows try to have you believe. These are the people most important to you. You shouldn't leave them stranded for hours without food, beverage or plan, and you shouldn't make them pay for something at an event you invited them to. You don't charge trick-or-treaters for the option of upgrading their candy, do you? And those are strangers!

I suggest you take your pictures in the early afternoon before the ceremony, and then you can enjoy your lavish cocktail hour with your guests before sitting down to dinner. OR take your pictures in the early afternoon, bring in dinner on-site for just your WP, and have your ceremony in the evening followed by your lavish cocktail hour and no dinner since it will not be overlapping dinnertime for your guests.

SBmini

Viczaesar said:

@KnotPorscha, you can lock a thread within hours but 2+ days after @rbradford19 calls everyone here bitches and no response?  WTF?

I have a feeling that she's not coming back...

Rebl90

rbradford19 said:

Most of the weddings I have been to have a cash or partial cash bar. Maybe my friends and family are more respectful of the fact that weddings are expensive for a young couple to afford than yours are. I use the word bitches because some of you are tearing me apart for exploring ways to incorporate things that are important to me and my fiancé that conflict into one wedding. Obviously you're too stuck up and terrified of going against ''miss manners'' to show some respect to someone that is trying to plan an event for the first time. Or maybe just too insecure about their own plans. A perfectly mannered wedding won't make your marriage work if you're this rude to a stranger!

*** Um, the PPs are not the insecure ones here...talk about pot and kettle...**

AddieCake

SBmini said:

Viczaesar said:

@KnotPorscha, you can lock a thread within hours but 2+ days after @rbradford19 calls everyone here bitches and no response?  WTF?

I have a feeling that she's not coming back...

And apparently neither is KP.