How to avoid calling FILs rude

nebullama

We are in the process of finalizing our guest list. A couple of days ago I emailed FMIL a spreadsheet showing their side of the guest list, asked her for missing bits of info (addresses, SO names, etc.), and asked if any must haves were missing. Yesterday she texted me to say that she had some suggestions about the guest list.

As a bit of background, both FI and I have huge families. Put that together with a tight budget and guest list planning, obviously, becomes a challenge. Throughout our planning I have successfully bean dipped my way through all manner of horrible suggestions from his family about how to cope with this problem. It seems they've completely run the gamut on bad etiquette, and think we should do the same. B-list, tiered reception, cash bar, you name it, they've done it.

FMIL has also stated her opinion several times that all adults must be invited with guest. While any guest who is part of a couple (this applies to ALL relationships) will be invited with their SO, we just can't accommodate random guests for truly single people. Honestly, I personally think it's quite rude for truly single guests to feel like they are entitled to bring a guest.

So, FMIL is supposed to call me tonight to discuss her suggestions. I fear that b-listing, tiered reception, and +1s for all are on the agenda. Any suggestions on how to navigate this conversation without having to say to her, "I think your family has a history of doing horribly rude things, and I will have no part of it"?

Strictly for the sake of information, she is not contributing financially to the wedding.

Also, as a somewhat unrelated issue, she mentioned before that if we invite FI's out of state cousins, and they accept, we will then be obligated to attend their wedding in August. That part is more of a vent. I think that will be FI's job to address that bit of messed up logic.

erinlin25

I would have your FI deal with mom at this point.  You have tried nicely to bean dip her and she is not getting the hint so now she needs to hear it from somewhere else--  Continue to tell her that truly single guests do not need to have a +1.  But keep in mind that if these people do get into a relationship before invitations go out, you do need to extend the invite to their new SO so it is always better to keep that possibility in mind just in case. MILs and the guest lists are always the biggest headache! Hang in There!

HisGirlFriday13

I ditto having your FI handle this. And if she calls and wants to do any of those rude things, just say, 'Well, that's not how we'll be handling this, thanks.'

nebullama

Leaving it to FI would certainly be easier. I guess I'm afraid it will seem rude in itself to deflect her call to FI, like it will be obvious that I'm trying to dodge her, which would be hurtful. We've actually developed a fairly close relationship, so I usually have no problem talking to her.

Argh! It seemed innocuous enough sending her that email. I just needed 5 addresses, correct spelling on a couple of names, and like 3 SO's names.

HisGirlFriday13, I think that may be my only option and I'll just try to avoid explicitly stating why. If necessary I can always ask FI to back me up on this later.

OliveOilsMom

I would keep any response to FMIL simple.  Since they are not paying, just say " Thank you for the suggestion, FI and I will take them under advisement."  It doesn't mean you have to listen to her and follow her suggestions!  At some point, tonight when FMIL calls if he is around, FI should say "Mom our guest list is set and it's not going to change.  All nebullama and I need are some addresses, correct name spellings, and a few SO names.  I'm sorry the guest list isn't what you want, but its what we want"

If FMIL then offers money to host the extra guests, discuss with FI how you will proceed.  But make sure that the money FMIL offers is enough to host your guests how you want to host them. And include costs of extra invites, centerpieces, etc.  And get the money from them well before invites go out, so you aren't stuck paying for the extra people.