bridal shower - how to have the $ talk?

SJM7538

Hi Ladies! I need some help figuring out how to approach this a potential awkward situation.

 

So my sister is getting married in August, her second marriage, her fiances first. My mom and I were not planning on throwing her a bridal shower because we just paid for one a few years ago. My sister came to me a few months back and said that her FMIL would like to throw her a bridal shower and wanted to know if I wanted to help her plan it. I said that I would be more than happy to help plan it but made it clear to my sister that I really was not in a place financially to contribute much (if any) money towards the shower. So fast forward a few months. We went about two weeks ago to go shopping for my sisters dress and I was formally introduced to FMIL for the first time. She came right out and asked me what my thoughts were on the bridal shower. We discussed it a little bit and she told me she would rather have it at a restaurant vs her house or my moms house. She asked that I start looking around at some places I thought would be nice and then I gave her my cell phone number and email address and told her we would connect to discuss it further.

 

So yesterday we were at Davids bridesmaid dress shopping and her FMIL was there. She asked about the bridal shower again and asked I had looked into any places. I told her I looked at a few restaurants that I thought would be nice but I also thought it was something we should talk about together. I'm actually going to be at one of the restaurants tomrrow  for a wine and paint night and I told her I would email her on Wednesday to let her know my thoughts. Now before I go any further looking at restaurants or anything bridal shower related I need to figure out what her budget is. And based off our conversation yesterday I can't tell if she thinks I will be contributing to the shower or not. My sister said she would relay this information but apparently she didn't. My sister just assumed that FMIL would be paying for everything. FMIL hasn't asked if I will be contributing and I didn't want to sit there and talk about money in front of the entire bridal party while dress shopping, it didn't seem appropriate.

 

How do I approach this?  Do I just come right out and ask her what her budget is and let her know that I can't afford to put a lot of money towards it? If it comes down to it I can come up with SOME money but not a lot. Her FMIL is an extremely  nice, sweet person but it just all feels awkward because I have only met FMIL twice.

SJM7538

I just want to add that this is my sisters second bridal shower and her first one was only a few years ago so the guest list is mostly her fiance's family. The guest list from our family is very minimal. Just the bridal party, my mom and an aunt that we are very close to.

HisGirlFriday13

If you have your sister's FMIL's e-mail, I would just e-mail her and be direct:

Dear Sister's FMIL --

Before we go any further in planning this bridal shower, we should probably talk about the budget. What were you thinking for the size of the party and the budget for it? My mother and I are not able to contribute to this shower, though we are certainly willing to help plan it. 

Let me know your thoughts when you're able, and then I'll start researching restaurants that are in your price range.

Thanks, SJM7538

There's nothing wrong with not being able to host a shower or being able to afford to contribute. If your FMIL wants to throw one for your sister, that's lovely, and if you want to help plan, that's great, but neither of them can expect or demand that you financially contribute.

Maggie0829

If I was the FMIL I would probably assume that you were contributing.  Before you talk any further about plans you need to have a budget talk.  You need to tell her that you have no problem helping her find possible venues and providing ideas and helping to set up etc but that you are just not in any financial place to help monetarily.  You need to be direct and make her aware of your position because if you don't she will probably continue to assume that you are helping to pay for the shower.

From there you can say that you need to know what her budget is for the shower so you know what venues to look at.

Talking about money is always an uncomfortable thing to do so it is best to just do it like ripping off a band aid.

grumbledore

Agree with PPs - from the sound of it, it doesn't sound like your sister communicated the money issue to her.  I would either approach your sister and make sure she handles it or if you feel comfortable, talk directly to her FMIL about it.  I would caution though that it could easily sound like you are throwing your sister under the bus if that conversation doesn't go smoothly.  I'm just imagining:

OP:  "We need to talk about the funding for the shower before I look at any more options - I wanted to make sure it's clear that I am not able to contribute financially."

FMIL:  "Oh...  I didn't know that.  Why didn't FDIL say anything about that to me when we spoke?"

OP:  "She was supposed to, that cow."

FMIL:  "You're right, she is a cow.  Shower cancelled.  Let's all get dramatic!!!"

I always think about worst case scenarios with this stuff lol.

HisGirlFriday13

@grumbledore, I giggled at that, I really did.

OP, your best bet is to talk to your sister's FMIL directly, rather than make your sister the middle-man. Your sister might be too embarrassed to tell her FMIL that you can't contribute, so she might be trying to just avoid that conversation entirely.

Just be up-front and honest with the FMIL about what you can (research venues, write invitations, buy stamps, whatever) do and what you can't (contribute financially in any significant way) do.

SJM7538

grumbledore said:

Agree with PPs - from the sound of it, it doesn't sound like your sister communicated the money issue to her.  I would either approach your sister and make sure she handles it or if you feel comfortable, talk directly to her FMIL about it.  I would caution though that it could easily sound like you are throwing your sister under the bus if that conversation doesn't go smoothly.  I'm just imagining:

OP:  "We need to talk about the funding for the shower before I look at any more options - I wanted to make sure it's clear that I am not able to contribute financially."

FMIL:  "Oh...  I didn't know that.  Why didn't FDIL say anything about that to me when we spoke?"

OP:  "She was supposed to, that cow."

FMIL:  "You're right, she is a cow.  Shower cancelled.  Let's all get dramatic!!!"

I always think about worst case scenarios with this stuff lol.

LOL. This made me laugh. I def won't throw my sister under her under the bus. I'd rather her not be involved in the planning.

Thanks for the input. I will just be up front and direct with her as suggested because we only have a few months so we have to get to planning!

abbyj700

Money is always hard. BUT you want to be involved and just can't afford to stack up a bunch of benjamins to do so. So be honest "hey, I wanna do as much as I can, that being said - I can't do a lot with money but I'm very helpful with _____"