Moms and Maids

How to tell the bride no?

Not sure if this is the right place but here goes. A close friend from high school is getting married in August. We've known each other for almost 12 years, and she was a bridesmaid in my wedding last June. She asked me to be a bridesmaid and of course I accepted! However since then I have lost two people very close to me in the matter of a month. I'm not myself, I can barely function, and I just don't think I can be a bridesmaid. I can't give the bride 100%, and that's not fair to her at all! However, I'm not sure how to tell her. We've been friends for so long I know she'd understand, but at the same time what if she doesn't? How do I tell her without ruining our friendship?

Re: How to tell the bride no?

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Not sure if this is the right place but here goes. A close friend from high school is getting married in August. We've known each other for almost 12 years, and she was a bridesmaid in my wedding last June. She asked me to be a bridesmaid and of course I accepted! However since then I have lost two people very close to me in the matter of a month. I'm not myself, I can barely function, and I just don't think I can be a bridesmaid. I can't give the bride 100%, and that's not fair to her at all! However, I'm not sure how to tell her. We've been friends for so long I know she'd understand, but at the same time what if she doesn't? How do I tell her without ruining our friendship?
    First, I am very sorry for your loss.

    Second, I would just be upfront with your friend.  Tell her that due to personal/family issues that you just do not feel comfortable being a bridesmaid at this time.  That you want to focus on yourself during this grieving period.

    But I do want to let you know that the only thing that you have to do as a BM is buy the dress and show up sober and ready to smile for pictures on the wedding day.  You aren't required to do anything else such as throw parties or help her plan her wedding.  So don't say no because you feel like you can't do those things because you aren't required to do them.  Say no if you emotionally just want to take time for yourself and your family.

    doeydoKeptInStitchesJen&Mike8
  • Agree with Maggie - if you're backing out because you don't feel like you can help her plan anything, don't worry abouit - you aren't obligated to plan anything, and if you're as close as you say, I imagine she doesn't expect you to plan anything right now anyway.  When is her wedding?  Unless it's soon, I don't think you'd be unable to physically show up and smile in her pictures, right?  If she means a lot to you, you might want to still stand up next to her on her wedding day.  You don't want to back out and then regret it when you are watching her get married from the audience.
    TeddiD34gograce
  • This really reminds me of one of my best friends' wedding. I was severely depressed and on medication, and felt so out of it all the time.

    I ended up going to her ceremony but had to bail on the reception. Your friend may be hurt that you feel you can't stand up with her, but I'd try your best to be there for her wedding  ceremony. I still regret not being there for her reception, but I know it was for the best.

    I hope you're back to yourself sooner than later :)

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    themuffinman16
  • wandajune6wandajune6 Chicago-ish member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I'm so sorry for your losses.

    Tell her exactly what you told us. Tell her that you care about her but worry that you won't be able to be the BM that you think she deserves. If she gets pissy, she's a lousy friend. Otherwise, tell her what you can handle right now and go from there.

    You're going through a terrible time and this should not be another cause for stress.
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    themuffinman16
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm very sorry for your losses.

    I would tell your friend that you are very happy for her, but you are dealing with so many major personal issues that you aren't able to give her the attention and care that she should get from her bridesmaids, so you feel the best thing for you to do is to step down.  But if you can do anything for her at all, even if not as a bridesmaid, I would offer to do it.
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