Seating

HisGirlFriday13

I think that's what we ALL said. If you ascribe to the separating-spouses theory, which will confuse and annoy the majority of your guests, it has to apply to ALL spouses -- including OP and her DH.

jerkyanne

All this conversation has done is make me think of is how I'd definitely want a video recorder sitting where the place cards are and watching from another room as everyone is confused as fuck as to why they're sitting with a bunch of strangers and their spouse is as well.

Maggie0829

Unless I am the Queen of England or the President of the United States or some other dignitary, following such formal rules for "normal" people is utterly ridiculous.

The only time I would say that following the most formal of rules (seating wise) is okay is if you are born into that type of social circle where everyone you know also follows those types of rules.  But if I were to have followed those rules at my wedding people would have thought I had lost my mind.

Sars06

Since we've already started down this rabbit hole...

I think I figured out why couples should be seated next to each other at a wedding! It's because the BRIDE and GROOM are seated next to each other. 

Whereas, at one of these "formal dinner parties" we keep referring to, the host and hostess would be seated apart from each other - as would every other couple.

It would be strange and rude for the bride and groom to sit next to each other and gaze lovingly into each other's eyes all night, but expect their coupled guests not to do the same.

AlexisA01

AroundTheBlock said:

Are you following the rule, across the board, that at formal dinners spouses should not be seated side by side? If so, then you may separate your father and his wife to the same degree that you separate other married couples. Usually married couples are seated at the same table even when they are not seated side by side, but there is no rule that says they have to be at the same table. Only, make sure you do not appear to be singling out just one particular couple.

STOP! This is INCORRECT on so many levels.

tammym1001

I think that everyone already covered that this is rude, but I would like to give you another perspective:

FI was married before. We were watching a wedding show and the bride had her parents who were divorced sit in the front and her dad's new wife sit somewhere else. FI immediately said he would be pissed if that happened to him. He said there was no way he would sit with his ex-wife and pretend like they were still together and let me get sat somewhere else. He would rather spend the evening with me. 

So even if everyone hadn't said it was rude, think about how your father will feel about spending your wedding with his ex-wife instead of his new wife. I don't think he would be very happy about it either.

Jen4948

s-aries8990 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Sorry but formal dinner party is not the same thing as a wedding.  A formal dinner party usually consists of one large table and unless you are having a very small wedding that is practically impossible.  Didn't we already have this discussion in another post about how a formal dinner party is different then a wedding reception or am I just making that up?

Actually, formal dinner parties can have as many people as the hosts want.

And some wedding receptions ARE formal dinner parties.  Leave this one alone, Maggie.

That said, I did recommend above that the parents need to sit with their spouses.

The CAN have as many people as the hosts wants but TYPICALLY (like 90% of the time) it is the scene Maggie is describing. Usually if there are a large number of guests where multiple tables are needed, they are not referred to as a "formal dinner party."

SOME wedding receptions are formal dinner parties but TYPICALLY they are not -. You leave this one alone, Jen ##

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not leaving it alone, because I have already said that in this particular instance the OP should seat her father and his wife together, and I agree that it would hold for wedding receptions that are not formal dinner parties.

However, not every wedding reception is NOT a formal dinner party, and for those that are, then the rule that couples do not sit together would apply.

Maggie0829

Jen4948 said:

s-aries8990 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Sorry but formal dinner party is not the same thing as a wedding.  A formal dinner party usually consists of one large table and unless you are having a very small wedding that is practically impossible.  Didn't we already have this discussion in another post about how a formal dinner party is different then a wedding reception or am I just making that up?

Actually, formal dinner parties can have as many people as the hosts want.

And some wedding receptions ARE formal dinner parties.  Leave this one alone, Maggie.

That said, I did recommend above that the parents need to sit with their spouses.

The CAN have as many people as the hosts wants but TYPICALLY (like 90% of the time) it is the scene Maggie is describing. Usually if there are a large number of guests where multiple tables are needed, they are not referred to as a "formal dinner party."

SOME wedding receptions are formal dinner parties but TYPICALLY they are not -. You leave this one alone, Jen ##

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not leaving it alone, because I have already said that in this particular instance the OP should seat her father and his wife together, and I agree that it would hold for wedding receptions that are not formal dinner parties.

However, not every wedding reception is NOT a formal dinner
party, and for those that are, then the rule that
couples do not sit together would apply.

Still a stupid rule. And unless you are in the particular social circles who follow that rule then actually separating couples would make you look rude and crazy to your guests. There are many etiquette rules that should be followed by the masses but this isn't one of them.

SP29

Actually @AlexisA01, the advice is not incorrect. Watch an episode of Downton Abbey . 

However, I think @Sars06 has hit the nail on the head. If the Bride and Groom sit together, then you have voided the "formal dinner party seating rule" and all spouses who are guests should also be seated together. 

To the OP- it would be very rude to sit your father's wife (as I fully recognize she may not be your step mother) away from him. If you feel there would be tension between your father and his wife and your mother (or other family members) then have more family tables. 

At our wedding, my parents and their respective spouses sat at one table with my siblings. Then I had another table that sat my paternal grandparents with my paternal aunts and uncles. Maternal aunts, uncles and cousins had another table. DH's parents, however, do not talk, so we seated them at two different tables with their respective sides of the family- FIL with his children, MIL with maternal grandmother and aunts and uncles. The three tables that comprised the parents were the three closest to our table, with FIL's table on the left, my parents in centre, and MIL's table on the right. 

Jen4948

Maggie0829 said:

s-aries8990 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Sorry but formal dinner party is not the same thing as a wedding.  A formal dinner party usually consists of one large table and unless you are having a very small wedding that is practically impossible.  Didn't we already have this discussion in another post about how a formal dinner party is different then a wedding reception or am I just making that up?

Actually, formal dinner parties can have as many people as the hosts want.

And some wedding receptions ARE formal dinner parties.  Leave this one alone, Maggie.

That said, I did recommend above that the parents need to sit with their spouses.

The CAN have as many people as the hosts wants but TYPICALLY (like 90% of the time) it is the scene Maggie is describing. Usually if there are a large number of guests where multiple tables are needed, they are not referred to as a "formal dinner party."

SOME wedding receptions are formal dinner parties but TYPICALLY they are not -. You leave this one alone, Jen ##

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not leaving it alone, because I have already said that in this particular instance the OP should seat her father and his wife together, and I agree that it would hold for wedding receptions that are not formal dinner parties.

However, not every wedding reception is NOT a formal dinner party, and for those that are, then the rule that couples do not sit together would apply.

Still a stupid rule. And unless you are in the particular social circles who follow that rule then actually separating couples would make you look rude and crazy to your guests. There are many etiquette rules that should be followed by the masses but this isn't one of them.

Stupid or not, the rule applies at formal dinner parties and wedding receptions that fit in this category. 

And if you'd read my earlier posts, I agreed with you that the OP's doesn't and that her father's wife should be seated with him, and that the other coupled guests should be seated together as well.  Instead, you wasted a lot of time trying to argue with me when I actually agreed with you about this particular wedding and even most others.

BritLady

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Sorry but formal dinner party is not the same thing as a wedding.  A formal dinner party usually consists of one large table and unless you are having a very small wedding that is practically impossible.  Didn't we already have this discussion in another post about how a formal dinner party is different then a wedding reception or am I just making that up?

Actually, formal dinner parties can have as many people as the hosts want.

And some wedding receptions ARE formal dinner parties.  Leave this one alone, Maggie.

That said, I did recommend above that the parents need to sit with their spouses.

You are spot on. At my wedding dinner all parties were separated. Even my new husband and I. It was a formal white tie dinner organised by my mum, and a great time was had by all. However, you do have to apply the rule universally, and cannot just seat one couple apart as that will be seen as discriminating.

grumbledore

Can we take a step back for a second?  There are two things going on here:

1)  The OP doesn't want to separate them to follow formal dinner party etiquette - the OP wants to do it because she just wants it that way.  That's completely inappropriate and unacceptable.

2)  The consensus around here is that etiquette is about making your guests feel comfortable.  If you believe, that in your circle, separating couples in this way will make your guests (ALL of your guests) more comfortable, then by all means do it.  I know that in MY circle, this would make all of my guests very uncomfortable, therefore I wouldn't dream of doing it.

kitsunegari89

Never separate marrieds.

Maggie0829

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

s-aries8990 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Sorry but formal dinner party is not the same thing as a wedding.  A formal dinner party usually consists of one large table and unless you are having a very small wedding that is practically impossible.  Didn't we already have this discussion in another post about how a formal dinner party is different then a wedding reception or am I just making that up?

Actually, formal dinner parties can have as many people as the hosts want.

And some wedding receptions ARE formal dinner parties.  Leave this one alone, Maggie.

That said, I did recommend above that the parents need to sit with their spouses.

The CAN have as many people as the hosts wants but TYPICALLY (like 90% of the time) it is the scene Maggie is describing. Usually if there are a large number of guests where multiple tables are needed, they are not referred to as a "formal dinner party."

SOME wedding receptions are formal dinner parties but TYPICALLY they are not -. You leave this one alone, Jen ##

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not leaving it alone, because I have already said that in this particular instance the OP should seat her father and his wife together, and I agree that it would hold for wedding receptions that are not formal dinner parties.

However, not every wedding reception is NOT a formal dinner party, and for those that are, then the rule that couples do not sit together would apply.

Still a stupid rule. And unless you are in the particular social circles who follow that rule then actually separating couples would make you look rude and crazy to your guests. There are many etiquette rules that should be followed by the masses but this isn't one of them.

Stupid or not, the rule applies at formal dinner parties and wedding receptions that fit in this category. 

And if you'd read my earlier posts, I agreed with you that the OP's doesn't and that her father's wife should be seated with him, and that the other coupled guests should be seated together as well.  Instead, you wasted a lot of time trying to argue with me when I actually agreed with you about this particular wedding and even most others.

FFS.  I know what you said to OP but you also pushed the fact that the separate seating is law when it comes to formal dinner parties.  And all I am trying to say is that even though it may be the etiquette standard it doesn't mean that it should be followed by everyone because unless you grow up with that "rule" then following it when none of your circle even knows about it is ridiculous and could be seen as very rude by your guests.

And I don't really feel like I wasted any time at all.