How did you bring up the Important Questions?

Moiramab

So I work on a college campus and it's spring break (Read: hella slow), so here's an NEY question for you guys.

In conversations with your SO, how did you breach the questions that helped you determine whether or not marriage was an option for your relationship? There are always the easy ones that crop up in the beginning or during usual conversation (family, religion, etc.), but there are deeper more personal ones that are just as important to help move from "I love this person" to "I can spend the rest of my life with this person." How did you do it and, if you want, what was that important question for you?

On a personal note, the questions/issues that I think of in this capacity seem a little cart-before-horse since we're NEY, and I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but they're still important and I was hoping to borrow some collective finesse from you all to help get things started (thanks!)

phira

First of all high five for spring break! I like my undergrads, but it's SO much easier to get work done when I'm not also helping them.

This is something that REALLY depends on the type of person you are, the type of person your SO is, and the kind of relationship you have. J and I are both very straight-forward with each other about a lot of stuff, so frequently it would be like ... "Hey, can I ask you a weird question?" or, "Unrelated to everything, [question]."

We also weren't afraid to mention The Future in conversations with each other. We actually talked about our dream weddings a lot. Not CONSTANTLY, but by the time we were signing a lease to move in together, we both knew stuff like, "I have to have all my cousins at my wedding," and, "I don't want to wear a white wedding dress." Same with big ticket items like where we'd live, or how many kids we'd have.

emmyg65

Just naturally in our discussion, we talked about a lot of these issues, moving in together, marriage, etc. Once we started really seriously discussing moving in together, we sat down and worked through a list of these questions. I viewed moving in as permanent, with the next step being marriage, so it was important to me to be upfront about everything. I'm also just a really direct person. I think I pretty much just said, "Before we move in, we have to discuss some stuff." 

The big ones were having children and child-rearing, housework, and religion. I also wanted to get a feel for how he manages money and what his priorities and plans are for his career. 

I don't think this is cart before the horse. I wouldn't have said yes to a proposal until I was confident that we matched up in certain ways. Heck, I wouldn't even move in with him!

Funny story: On a friend's second date with her now-husband, she pulled out a list of questions she needed to ask him. He just responded by saying, "Oh, we're at this point now?" And pulled out his own list! Needless to say, they matched up well enough and have been married for 35 years.

phira

@emmyg65 That is an AWESOME story about your friend! I love it.

ShallowSeas

FI would talk about getting married all the time before we had a serious conversation about it. He would say things like, "when we get married..." or "for our wedding..." but we hadn't discussed marriage, so finally one day I was like, "let's really discuss marriage, like for real" and we just let everything out. Discussing marriage was pretty easy...

but I wanted to know about kids and I had NO IDEA how to ask that question because it felt weird and I was afraid I wouldn't get the answer I wanted. Its something we never talked about. I finally just blurted it out one day.  I wanted to know if he wanted kids, how many, and when.

Before we were engaged we had a serious conversation about what kind of life we wanted, what we wanted out of life, what we wanted out of a marriage, future kids, future plans, financial issues, timelines, everything.

Now that we're a little less than 6 months out from the wedding, we have started discussing kids more seriously. We've discussed when we felt like we wanted to start trying, how we were going to raise them, values we wanted to instill in them, everything we could think of.

I think the easiest way is just to put everything out on the table. Its important stuff that you need to know and that each couple should discuss when considering marriage. I think the most important questions for me that determined me wanting to marry FI was:

• What kind of life do want to have and what do you want out of a marriage?
• Do you want kids, and if so, how many?
• How will we raise our family?
• What timeline would you like to try to go by?
  

Swazzle

phira said:

First of all high five for spring break! I like my undergrads, but it's SO much easier to get work done when I'm not also helping them.

This is something that REALLY depends on the type of person you are, the type of person your SO is, and the kind of relationship you have. J and I are both very straight-forward with each other about a lot of stuff, so frequently it would be like ... "Hey, can I ask you a weird question?" or, "Unrelated to everything, [question]."

We also weren't afraid to mention The Future in conversations with each other. We actually talked about our dream weddings a lot. Not CONSTANTLY, but by the time we were signing a lease to move in together, we both knew stuff like, "I have to have all my cousins at my wedding," and, "I don't want to wear a white wedding dress." Same with big ticket items like where we'd live, or how many kids we'd have.

This describes my H and I also. 

We first discussed marriage very early on (7 months in) but we were young (both 22 years old) and not totally financially stable (I didn't know what 'savings' was) so it wasn't an option for us that soon into the relationship. 

Like @phira said, whenever something was on our mind, we just said it and went from there. We never really had a serious "sit down and tell him what I'm thinking/feeling and then listen to his side" type thing**. It seems like it was just always "we're going to be together forever" from early on and so far that's working out for us. 

**Except for when it came to children. I never wanted kids and at the moment I'm undecided but definitely leaning more towards not wanting them and he has always said "whatever you want" which is obviously not a satisfactory response to a topic as big as children. So before our wedding we had a very serious sit down conversation about this to make sure that we were on the same page. 

Moiramab

@emmyg65 @phirathat is too perfect! And yes, you're both right that it tends to work best when it's brought up naturally, and sort of sprinkled in (for us). I've actually gone so far as to start making a list so that my mind doesn't go blank when I actually do have the opportunity to talk about them

[Deleted User]

I think the decision to marry someone is arrived at through many conversations and experiences over the entire course of your relationship. Anyone can say "I want two kids, a dog and enough money to have a comfortable living". How do you know that's the person they are though...and not just the person they want to become?

I feel like I really got to know the deeper things about H as our relationship progressed. How does someone act at family events? Is he the kind of man that goes to church regularly? How is he with other people's children? Is he constantly living paycheck to paycheck? Does he fight fair when we have disagreements? Does he hold grudges? Is he a generous person?

Obviously there are conversations to be had regarding all of this as well, but the more time you spend with someone the more you truly see who they are naturally. Whether or not that person is who you are looking for us up to you.

To me personally, the most important thing was seeing how H handled himself in a variety of situations. In every relationship it is inevetable that you will have disagreements. What matters most about a long-term relationship is that you agree on how to treat each other. If you both agree on that, you can handle anything the future (or the present) brings!

Peaseblossom55

Even before we were together, I did ask questions especially since he is a few years older than me, like if he wanted to get married if he wanted a family. 

Once we were together he would say things within the first year like " we have the rest of our lives" it was a nice comfort to know he was thinking long term.  Once we hit the 2 yr 2 1/2 year mark I began to ask about the future in more detail and a time line for marriage and engagements.

KeptInStitches

Just kind of ... organically? I'm willing to make conversations extremely awkward (it's a gift), so we've covered the important issues because I'll say things like "How many kids should we have and when should we start trying?" just out of the blue.

Pepperally

Interestingly or not so interestingly, a lot of big picture stuff got answered when we were enduring some rough patches and arguments. It would get down to the wire of whether we should be together and he would explicitly tell me that I am the one he wants to be with and grow old wIth. But otherwise, these feelings and conversations were sort of pieced together for us as our relationship evolved, not really one big sit down discussion.

Moiramab

@pepperally that's a lot like how some of ours/mine are being answered, but I was sort of hoping to not have them attached to a fight haha

Blue & White

@severmilli12 we talk about our kid timeline constantly (more in the "not yet" phase of the timeline, though.)  This is primarily due to the upcoming wedding and everyone else thinking it's a great time to ask about our nether regions and their procreating habits, lol.  It's very reassuring to know we're on the same page. 

lmcooper86

My BF and I have ended up talking about a lot of the big/important stuff because I flat out asked, or because something around us prompted the conversation (like the family with 7 children at the airport...). We also met online, so some of those things were touched on in our profiles and were discussed during the first couple of dates (like how involved he is with his church).

 

I don't think that it's putting the horse before the cart at all; I think that there are things that you really need to know about before you agree to spend your life with someone, and if you're thinking about a serious future with someone then talking about the things that you consider big or important or deal breakers is essential.

 

ETA: The big things that are important to me are religion, family/children and finances. The last 2 are important on their own, but also in a more general "what sort of life/household do you envision" type of way (if that makes any sense)

ShallowSeas

Blue & White isn't it great how ppl are so concerned with the nether regions? -_-  FMIL is wanting grandbabies veryyyyy badly so she's constantly talking about how she can't wait until we have babies. I'm like "WHOA, can we get thru the wedding first?"  She actually bought her future grandchild a toy this past Christmas...

emmyg65

In case you wanted inspiration for questions to ask (or let come up organically), we found The Commitment Conversation to be super useful. We used it to sort of DIY premarital counseling. It covers goals, lifestyle, finances, children, health and wellness, and important legal stuff (wills, etc.).

Moiramab

In case you wanted inspiration for questions to ask (or let come up organically), we found The Commitment Conversation to be super useful. We used it to sort of DIY premarital counseling. It covers goals, lifestyle, finances, children, health and wellness, and important legal stuff (wills, etc.).

 

 

Stuck -_-

This is definitely up my/our alley. I side eye a lot of marriage prep self help books because they seem very religion heavy, which is good for many people, but for myself I was looking for more secular self-led guidance hah

GoldenPenguin

We're very similar to @swazzle & @phira, where those conversations just happened. The biggest one for me was the kids one. I do not want children, and my mind isn't changing on that - as in, it would be a dealbreaker for me to date a guy who definitely saw himself having a family. Because BF & I are both in our 30s, I didn't want to wait around to have that convo for very long, so I brought it up fairly early in the relationship. Luckily, we're totally on the same page. 

I did bring it up again a few months later, because BF really loves kids. Which, I do too, but I know that my love for kids is 100% for other people's kids, and not my own, so I needed to solidify in my own brain that that was how he felt as well. It was. 

We figured out a lot of the other important things through organic conversation. He's very non-religious, and is a fairly raging liberal - which is the same case for me. I was very open with him about my student loan debt, and my credit/financial struggles (that I totally caused myself), and he is supportive in those areas. 

The only REAL come-to-jesus talk we've ever had to have was about the kids thing, and I was far more nervous about that than I needed to be, because we ended up being so solidly on the same page. Looking back, I was nervous because I knew I really liked him, and didn't want to have to end things because he definitely wanted to be a father. 

Dignity100

You mean you're supposed to talk about that stuff - I thought you just went ahead and had your PPD/Wedding and then figured it out from there?!

KIDDING!  Most of the stuff came up naturally.  Example of a conversation:
Me 'Is it just me or was so-and-so's kid being a really big brat tonight?'
Him 'No - she was being quite bratty.  When we have kids I hope they don't behave like that!'
From there the # of kids and our views of raising kids came up.  We've talked about dealing with finances when a family member (actually it was a few family members from his and a few from mine) were having financial problems due to lay offs and just overspending.

Pepper6

Like most of the PPs, our discussions about marriage & life in general came up pretty organically over the course of our entire relationship.  I will say that most of our more specific discussions came up from talking about other couples/marriages/etc both IRL and on TV, articles, message boards, etc.  

Also, it's definitely NOT cart-before-horse to make sure you are on the same page with big stuff before you get engaged.  It's very important to know your values line up before even considering marriage.  I will also add that it's important to feel comfortable talking about big issues because there isn't ever a point in life where you say "well, we've discussed everything, so we're good from here on out".  New situations arise, beliefs can change, etc and it's important to maintaining a healthy marriage that you are always able to talk about how you will handle certain situations.

IllusionsDepths

Well, my SO (I'm going to call him D from now on, it feels less impersonal and I've been airing out my dirty laundry for some time so...) And I had our first real conversation one night while I was still living in Nevada. We were talking real late on the phone and he mentioned Samhain (pagan Halloween which happens on the same night) and what he likes to do for that holiday. I asked him, without thinking about it it felt that natural, how he would approach the holiday when we have kids and I want them to trick or treat. There was a slight pause and he proceeded to tell me that we could take the kids trick or treating and then tuck them in to bed and after they were asleep we could go into the backyard and do our own ritual. When the kids were older we could include them if they wanted to, or they could pursue a different religion or lack thereof as they chose. It felt so natural and it wasn't awkward it was amazing. In my mind I could just picture it. I guess there were no other real questions, more like we just have conversations and it feels right. I will say that we are NEY so we'll see what, if anything changes. Though I honestly doubt it will.