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Feeling a little frustrated/Annoyed/Sad

So, I know I am possibly being unreasonable here, but I just needed to vent to you ladies a bit.

I have a friend(We'll call her Anna) that I am very close with. She is also my MOH.

Well Anna and I live about an hour away from each other. So we don't get to see each other often, which I get. I work M-F and she works weekends only but goes to school a few days out of the week. That makes it harder to hang out as our schedules are so opposite. 

Here's where I am annoyed/sad/frustrated. 

Anna will call/text me and we will pick a day to hang out. She normally comes to our house as I cannot travel due to working everyday. We usually always pick a day where she doesn't have class/or gets out of class early so she doesn't make it seem like a huge deal to come down. (I even offer to help pay for gas/always pay for dinner, etc if she decided to come, and she always declines. I know its because she is being polite.)

Anywho, the past month or month and a half... everytime we make plans to hang out, she completely flakes on me last minute. She will say, "Yeah, we can hang out on X day. "Then when I text to verify plans, she always has some excuse to not come down. I get not wanting to drive, I really do. Had I not have to work M-F I would definitely drive down myself, but it isn't an option. So I try really hard to suck it up and not get upset, but  I cannot stand flaky people. Thats why I lost all of my old friends. They would bail or not contact me at all about missed plans. I guess in general I should not get my hopes up, but she is the only friend I feel super close to. It just hurts. Maybe it's because I am an extremely emotional blob lately, as I just started new BC, and the wedding is in a few months, but I just don't know how to feel about this.


Any of you ladies have a similar experience? How did you handle it?

I think I am just going to suck it up like I always do, and smile pretty. I don't want to make waves, I just needed thoughts and someone to talk to. I don't have a whole lot of people I can just do that with anymore. Thanks in advance, ladies! Hope you are all enjoying your evening. :)
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Re: Feeling a little frustrated/Annoyed/Sad

  • Is there anything going on in her life? Do you guys talk wedding a lot? If so, maybe she is burned out.
  • We talk mainly through text. I hardly ever bring up wedding talk, unless she asks about something. Then the subject will change. I'm fine not talking about it at all as planning is my second job, and if anyone's burned out, it's me lol.

    I do know she is in a fairly new relationship, if that is relevant. Her ex is my FIs best man, and a friend of mine as well. Their break up wasn't nasty, and they sort of still talk. She still has feelings for him, but started dating her new bf very shortly after her break up. I was always there to talk to her. Anytime she needed to. The thing is, I barely know what's really going in with her. I'll text her, as she isn't a phone person (no biggie, I can relate.) but it never really gets into a conversation. That's why I'd love to catch up with her, but when she is always backing out of plans that she made to begin with, constantly, it's getting frustrating.
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Have you thought about just asking if something's going on? That way, either you can figure out what's wrong and maybe work towards a resolution, or you can let her know that you're feeling frustrated and sad that plans keep getting canceled.
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  • Yeah, I want to call her and ask. I normally do, and get short answers of "good" or things like that. I talked to FI last night about it and thinks I should tell her how I feel. I am all for it, but I'd hate to have it over the phone. I am a face to face person as things can get lost in translation over phone. Maybe I can just see if she will meet up with me once more, and then maybe talk. I just wanna fix this all. I miss my bestfrannnn :(
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  • I really get her not wanting to drive.  I moved to a suburb that put my BFF 30 minutes away, and it's made a huge difference in how often we see each other.

    If she's that good of a friend, take a half day and drive to her.  Yes, it's inconvenient that you'd have to take time off work to see a friend, but consider it pay back for how many times she's come to you.  
  • You make a good point. I can't take off work, but maybe when I go back to town I can go see her. She waitresses, so works late on weekends, but when she is home I can definitely drive to see her. :) that is if she is awake! Lol

    And I get not wanting to drive too, so I really don't get upset about that at all. It's just the fact that she flakes every time plans are made. That's why I wait for her to offer to hang out most times now. I figure she knows what days are better for her and that's what we go by. But I am trying to put myself in her shoes. I probably wouldn't want to drive that ways if I was not feeling it. I just wish she would be straight up with me though. And I am going to talk to her about that.

    She's a lot like me. We don't really like to make waves, are very quiet about what we feel most of the time. So maybe she just is scared to be real with me. I don't expect to hang out with her much at all really...however, I am sure we will make it work either way. I guess that is apart of growing up, and living in different cities. It just doesn't go the way you'd like sometimes.
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  • I live about an hour (without traffic) from my oldest friend. We used to meet in the middle until she started having kids (she now has three). Her ability to travel obviously became less when she became a mother. So since then, if we want to see each other, I have to go there.

    I don't always feel like making the trip, and as a result we see each other much less. I feel that he relationship became one sided, with me having to always travel. I get that our life choices have put us in different positions, but it's had an impact on our closeness.
  • cruffino said:
    I live about an hour (without traffic) from my oldest friend. We used to meet in the middle until she started having kids (she now has three). Her ability to travel obviously became less when she became a mother. So since then, if we want to see each other, I have to go there. I don't always feel like making the trip, and as a result we see each other much less. I feel that he relationship became one sided, with me having to always travel. I get that our life choices have put us in different positions, but it's had an impact on our closeness.
    Exactly, I mean I travel a lot to her when I am back home. (She lives maybe 20 minutes from where FI and I used to live.) So I did a lot of driving before I moved off and when I am home/sometimes she'll come over to FI's parents too. It just depends how late she gets off. Sometimes it's like 2 am and I know she will wanna go straight to be of course! I should start seeing about meeting in the middle. I think she plans to move closer next year, so it'll be closer but I know life will still be busy, as will I. But maybe when we have a chance to hang out, it wont be as much of a hassle. 
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  • Honestly, I don't think that driving an hour after work to go see her is a big deal, especially if she's one of your best friends!!! I'm sure she'd REALLY appreciate you making the drive!!! Not only is she taking classes and studying, she works as a waitress - that's a lot to take on!!! 

    You may be tired the next day, but whatever! I lived two hours away from my sister at one point and we would often drive to see one another after school/work, spend the night, and then leave in the VERY early morning to make it to school/work on time the next day. Such good memories!


  • Also - keep in mind that an hour long drive is the length of many people's daily commute. GO SEE HER!!!!!
  • Honestly, I don't think that driving an hour after work to go see her is a big deal, especially if she's one of your best friends!!! I'm sure she'd REALLY appreciate you making the drive!!! Not only is she taking classes and studying, she works as a waitress - that's a lot to take on!!! 

    You may be tired the next day, but whatever! I lived two hours away from my sister at one point and we would often drive to see one another after school/work, spend the night, and then leave in the VERY early morning to make it to school/work on time the next day. Such good memories!


    I'm going to have to agree with this. My best friend lives in another state and I would give anything to have her even an hour away, and I did when she lived in the same state as I do.

    However, I will say that every friendship goes through seasons, and it sounds like she's got a lot going on in her life right now. There are times in every friendship that you see more or less of each other, and that doesn't always mean something is wrong. But if you're not willing to put the same amount effort yourself then don't expect it to continue. Friendship is give and take, and your description sounds more than a bit lopsided.

    **I just saw your post about meeting in the middle, and I strongly recommend that you try this, as well as putting in more effort**
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  • I absolutely agree with this all! It's good to have a different perspective than your own. And trust me, I know busy. I work a lot too- and am planning a wedding that is coming down to the nitty-gritty. No excuse, but I get busy too. I realise that but I know friendship is a two way street. I absolutely dont mind driving that way, only problem is that I work till 4. Its takes an hour to get there if traffic is decent, I get there around 5-5:30. I'd get a few hours maybe, then would have to go back and get ready for work the next day early in the morning. It's not that bad, but when she comes here-she has the ability to stay the night, and she does most times. I do not have that ability, hence why she decides to come here. I do not persuade her to do anything (though I know you aren't implying that-just for reference ;)

    If she wants to hang out during the week that's her decision. All in all,  I know we can make it work, seeing yalls input really makes me feel better and has made me think of a lot. I really appreciate that! It's been a long month so far for me and I know I am just being emotional and whiny, but I am glad I can come here for advice whiny and all!
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  • Honestly, I don't think that driving an hour after work to go see her is a big deal, especially if she's one of your best friends!!! I'm sure she'd REALLY appreciate you making the drive!!! Not only is she taking classes and studying, she works as a waitress - that's a lot to take on!!! 

    You may be tired the next day, but whatever! I lived two hours away from my sister at one point and we would often drive to see one another after school/work, spend the night, and then leave in the VERY early morning to make it to school/work on time the next day. Such good memories!


    This is basically how it goes, she will stay and leave early afternoon for classes. If I didn't work early in the morning, I would too. Hopefully when I am in school and my days change it'll be easier and I can stay often as our days might coordinate better. :)
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  • It seems a little one sided that she's always the one driving to you. I'd probably get a little burnt out with all that too. Offer to go see her. 

    My best friend/MOH lives in Manhattan and I'm in the suburbs. We both take turns going to see each other. I drive down to the city (which sucks and I hate it, but I do it anyway) and she takes the train to come see me. Friendship has to be about give and take. 
  • It seems a little one sided that she's always the one driving to you. I'd probably get a little burnt out with all that too. Offer to go see her. 

    My best friend/MOH lives in Manhattan and I'm in the suburbs. We both take turns going to see each other. I drive down to the city (which sucks and I hate it, but I do it anyway) and she takes the train to come see me. Friendship has to be about give and take. 
    Completely understandable. And it's really not always one sided, I go see her on weekends when I can and when she is not working. I do not mind driving at all when I get a chance to, but I agree I would get tired of it as well. 

    I texted her last night to see if she would like to meet up sometime, and I offered to drive to her house and stay there and have girls night. She was really happy about it, and I plan on talking to her about everything, and apologizing for it being a one sided thing lately. I wish it was like it used to be. I was able to go down and see her all the time, but when I started working full time and started to plan the wedding, it got harder to do. Like I said, hopefully that'll change soon as I will be going to school tue-sat and have sun & monday off and not working. So our days will almost be the same. 
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  • Good update!
    Thank you, and thanks for the advice :D

    Now I am ready to go see my Best friend!! Saturday hurry up and get here!!
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  • I agree with making the effort to go halfway if she's open to it.  Meet up at a restaurant or something and catch up for a couple of hours. 

    I actually just got really ticked at my BFF when she was in town last month.  I had a lot going on, but she was only in town for the weekend and kept changing plans.  She always expects me to drive wherever she is when she's here, and that week was so shitty and I'd had enough of being the one who always had to be flexible and deliver myself to her.  We ended up getting over it and are fine again now, lol.  One tired day from a little less sleep would be worth it to see somebody that was valuable to me, IMO. 

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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I feel bad because my childhood best friend ALWAYS drives out to see me. She lives an hour away. However:

    1) She works part-time, so her schedule is very open.
    2) She comes to the city multiple times a week for a fun acrobatics course and to see her boyfriend.
    3) I do not have a car at all.
    4) Public transit does not go to where she lives (it would take me about an hour and a half to get 30 minutes away, and about 2 hours or more to get 15 minutes away, and either way, she'd still have to pick me up and drive me back (so 30-60 minutes of driving to pick me up, 30-60 minutes of driving to drop me off).
    5) I have Zipcar, but to hang out with her for 3-4 hours, I would have to spend about $70-80.

    I still feel bad, so when she does visit, I always make sure there's food she likes (and if we order in, we pay), and we offer to pay for gas. I also NEVER give her shit for flaking because, like I said, I never drive out to visit her.
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  • Emmy1493Emmy1493 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2014
    phira said:
    I feel bad because my childhood best friend ALWAYS drives out to see me. She lives an hour away. However:

    1) She works part-time, so her schedule is very open.
    2) She comes to the city multiple times a week for a fun acrobatics course and to see her boyfriend.
    3) I do not have a car at all.
    4) Public transit does not go to where she lives (it would take me about an hour and a half to get 30 minutes away, and about 2 hours or more to get 15 minutes away, and either way, she'd still have to pick me up and drive me back (so 30-60 minutes of driving to pick me up, 30-60 minutes of driving to drop me off).
    5) I have Zipcar, but to hang out with her for 3-4 hours, I would have to spend about $70-80.

    I still feel bad, so when she does visit, I always make sure there's food she likes (and if we order in, we pay), and we offer to pay for gas. I also NEVER give her shit for flaking because, like I said, I never drive out to visit her.
    Yeah, that would be very hard. And to the bold-ed, I do that exact same thing. I offer gas money, make sure there's food she likes and my FI gives up the bed so she can be more comfy. Though sometimes she likes the couch (It's really cozy, can't say I don't blame her!) and if we go to dinner, I pay for it. She does come up this way very often, which is why I think it upset me a little that she couldn't swing by, but after thinking A LOT about it, I told myself to get over it! And I would never call her or text her and give her crap. I am fine pouting by myself for a bit, then I move on usually. 

    It just seems that it frustrated me a little more this time, because the week before she brought up her being on SB next week, and how she wanted to hang out with me, and even asked what day is better. So when she didn't come, it just irked me cause it really was her idea (Though I am always down to have her over. ) But it is her time off and she can spend it however she wants to. If she wants to hang out great, if not that's fine, too. 

    But, and I am going to be honest here, if she has an issue with traveling here she should tell me, and not make plans she has no intention of going through on if it's not a great day for her. I know that sounds a little harsh (and I don't mean it to be,) but If it were me, I'd  still go but let her know it's not going to be an all the time thing, or just say it isn't possible and we will have to do it another time. Not keep throwing other days out there if she can't make it, ya know? If we get to hang out on Saturday, I will bring that up. We have been friends for years, she should be able to tell me anything, and I am hoping she will.


    Sorry for rambling, I think I am pretty much done here, lol. I figured a lot out and am really grateful for all the advice. That's why I love this board. I love to give input as well as getting it. 

    Thanks ladies. :)
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    You're totally right: if she has a problem with being the one to drive out, she can and should tell you. In my case, my friend and I HAVE talked about it, and I've made it clear that it's okay if she's not up for the drive.
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  • Emmy1493Emmy1493 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2014
    phira said:
    You're totally right: if she has a problem with being the one to drive out, she can and should tell you. In my case, my friend and I HAVE talked about it, and I've made it clear that it's okay if she's not up for the drive.
    Exactly this! I just want her to feel like she can be honest with me. I am with her when need be. I feel bad that she has to drive if she wants to come over, so I always do my best to make it worth her while if she decides to. I will tell her that too. I don't want her to think I am mad she can't come, I am just upset that she can't be open and tell me all of what I stated in above comment. I just feel happy that we can hopefully do something this weekend. I will drive to her any chance I can! :)

    ETA: Spelling
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