Plus One - What's in a name?

LakeR2014

So we're getting down to the wire here and finally sending out our invitations which I'm so excited about.   However, an issue as come up.   For many of FIs friends, they have significant others - however we either do not them (as their new) or we don't know their last names.   I asked my FI to find out - but he said that'd be weird and just put 'and guest' on them.   Since some of the couples have been together for years, I can't do that.   So here's my questions/dilemma.  What do I do as I can't get their information directly.

Do I put:  John Doe & Guest

Do I put:  John Doe & Jane

or go informal and put: John & Jane

ashleyep

Try and find out. Stalk facebook, send them a text or facebook message,  but you really should try and find out.

You can do super informal if you want, but you'd really have to do all of your invitations that way, and it might not match the style of your wedding. Also, unless you're doing an inner envelope, the outer one needs to have a last name to be delivered.

Don't do "and guest"

thisismynickname2

Find out who the significant others are by any means possible, and put John Doe and Jane Lastname.

You'll notice that people on these boards get seriously irked when they're in a relationship and invited as an "and Guest".

The time you take to learn these names will be greatly appreciated! Your FI needs to get over feeling weird.

He could say, "Hey, I want to check- your girlfriend's name is Jenny but is her proper name Jennifer? And how do you spell her last name? I just want to make sure we get it right for the invites."

Also: Facebook is your friend. 

AprilH81

You need to find out their full names.  Facebook stalking can usually get you most of the information but you and/or your FI need to make some calls if that doesn't work.

HisGirlFriday13

Your FI needs to get over his weirdness and just ask for the SOs' full names -- it's rude an insulting if he doesn't.

People will notice and be appreciative that you learned their SOs' names and that you addressed the invite accordingly. 

It will be weirder for your FI (and you) if you just put 'and guest' for people who have been together for years.

phira

Sounds like we're marrying the same person. My partner used Google Maps Street View to get some addresses instead of asking because he thought asking was too weird.

What you do is you tell him, "I don't care if you think it's weird. Call or email or instant message and ASK. I'm not going to be rude to our guests just because you feel a little uncomfortable asking."

And then you and I get together for wine and shake our heads and shrug our shoulders.

LakeR2014

Additional question:

How do you address a couple who won't be married when you send out your invites, but will be married by the time your wedding is?

Example:  John Doe & Jane Smith

or  As:  Mr. John & Mrs. Jane Doe

KeptInStitches

Can I join in that wine party, @phira? BF doesn't know the last names of some of his great-aunts ...

mbross3

Find out last names! I know it seems awkward to do, but I cannot express to you how much both your FI's friends and their SOs will appreciate the effort. As someone in a 2 year relationship who has been invited to multiple weddings as the "and guest" of my SO, I can tell you it feels crappy and like people either don't care enough to find out my name, or don't approve of the relationship --I only say this because one of BFs cousins invited us, but didn't put my name on the invite and actually told BF that when/if we are ever engaged that I should then be named on invites, but until then we're "just dating" so it doesn't matter. I am not suggesting this is what you are saying AT ALL, it's just that after that, I think of that each time, even if I know that wasn't the intention.

LadyMillil

LakeR2014 said:

Additional question:

How do you address a couple who won't be married when you send out your invites, but will be married by the time your wedding is?

Example:  John Doe & Jane Smith

or  As:  Mr. John & Mrs. Jane Doe

Use their current name on the invitations, so it would be Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Smith. It would be really weird to get an invitation from.a friend that knows you aren't married yet addressing you as a married couple. However, if she does take his name the place cards, seating charts etc at your wedding should use the married name.

pinkshorts27

phira said:

Sounds like we're marrying the same person. My partner used Google Maps Street View to get some addresses instead of asking because he thought asking was too weird.

What you do is you tell him, "I don't care if you think it's weird. Call or email or instant message and ASK. I'm not going to be rude to our guests just because you feel a little uncomfortable asking."

And then you and I get together for wine and shake our heads and shrug our shoulders.

Can I join you ladies? I ended up doing that for FI's family. I didn't mind since the aunts were all doting and helpful because they were excited to get to know me (through email, they live states away). I was really amused at how awkward he was (he always is, totally used to it).

phira

jerkyanne

My cousin got my last name wrong on an invite. Someone I grew up with put a completely different last name on my invite to his wedding. I was a little insulted.

But what I've found works and is a little less awkward, "How do you spell (girlfriend's) last name?" I mean, you might get an "ummm, smith" but more likely they'll just think you'll double checking.

MrsAitch

blueeyes90 said:

phira said:

Sounds like we're marrying the same person. My partner used Google Maps Street View to get some addresses instead of asking because he thought asking was too weird.

What you do is you tell him, "I don't care if you think it's weird. Call or email or instant message and ASK. I'm not going to be rude to our guests just because you feel a little uncomfortable asking."

And then you and I get together for wine and shake our heads and shrug our shoulders.

Can I join you ladies? I ended up doing that for FI's family. I didn't mind since the aunts were all doting and helpful because they were excited to get to know me (through email, they live states away). I was really amused at how awkward he was (he always is, totally used to it).

Add me to the club! My fiance drove me batty about some of these things too, but he finally got all the information for me.

Well, almost. One family member refuses to acknowledge that her daughter lives with her SO and won't give us her actual address (the daughter also says "just send it to mom and dad's house") so we gave up on that one--literally no one will give us her address. We also had to do a bit of heavy facebook stalking to get some SO names, but I'm glad we have them.

LakeR2014

Musikalbunni said:

Was what I did for a whole month in order to get people's name right. lol

Unfortunately started out with FB stalking...but for some reason his friends are apparently not fans of FB!?! Oy!  Will make FI get them though.

HisGirlFriday13

LakeR2014 said:

Additional question:

How do you address a couple who won't be married when you send out your invites, but will be married by the time your wedding is?

Example:  John Doe & Jane Smith

or  As:  Mr. John & Mrs. Jane Doe

We had friends like this. I addressed it to Mr. Him Surname, Ms. Her Surname, because they weren't married when we sent out invites.

But their escort card read, Mr. Him and Mrs. Her Surname, because she had changed her name.

abbyj700

KeptInStitches said:

Can I join in that wine party, @phira? BF doesn't know the last names of some of his great-aunts ...

AMEN. My frickin FI did exactly this. And who asked the great aunts to write down their names and addresses? ME. Mostly I think it was because he felt bad after I told him "you do realize they may be a little disturbed by the fact that you don't know their name right?"

Fairyjen1

MrsAitch said:

Well, almost. One family member refuses to acknowledge that her daughter lives with her SO and won't give us her actual address (the daughter also says "just send it to mom and dad's house") so we gave up on that one--literally no one will give us her address. We also had to do a bit of heavy facebook stalking to get some SO names, but I'm glad we have them.

     My MIL is a wonderful person, but she does something similar with her younger son as well (Fi's only brother). She wants me to send all of FBIL's mail to her house, even though he is 28 and lives on his own. I'm not sure why, He isn't living with anyone for her to dis-approve of. For Christmas I asked her for his address to send a thank you card to and she told me to just send it to her house, and I know she'll want me to send his wedding invite there as well. Fortunately Fi managed to get his brother's address and so far I have managed to bean dip whenever she brings it up. I don't feel right sending an adults mail to their parents house if they don't live there unless they personally tell me to.

    This is the only issue I have had with her, she's really great otherwise. 

Edited for clarification

phira

I'm going to have to ask my brother what his girlfriend's daughter's last name is. I mean, there's no way I could possibly know it, and I don't want to make ANY assumptions about whether or not his girlfriend ever shared a last name with her ex-husband, or whether or not she does now, or whether or not her daughter has her father's or mother's last name, etc. etc.

For example, my uncle remarried, and my new aunt (who is the BEST) has a young son. I had to ask what her son's last name was, and she confirmed it was the same as hers (which suggests that she has her former married name, although it doesn't automatically mean it).

Meanwhile, my mom changed her name back after her divorce and never plans on changing it, even if she remarries. So my mom and I have a different last name.

theartistformerlyknownas

I did a lot of FB stalking too. Of FI's friends, who I'm not friends with, since FI isn't on Facebook. Super stalk-y. Sometimes people had their relationship status protected by privacy settings, but they'd have their SO tagged in their profile picture.

Another surprising source: whitepages.com. It obviously only works for people who have listed phone numbers/addresses, but sometimes it'll list "known associates" aka people who live with them. You still need to be careful that you're not accidentally inviting their parent, but it was helpful for confirming the "I THINK her name is Jessica... yeah, either Jessica or Nicole" situations.

Can I come to the wine party?!

Kauris

I would like an invite to this wine party, I am about to have to learn Spanish to get information from my FI's family, they live in Spain and do not speak English. I keep asking him over and over to get the information, it can't be that difficult. It's especially important because they will need to get travel visas to come here! Ugh!!

Good luck on your stalking OP, be glad you have that option...

RebeccaB88

Absolutely get names. No excuse not to. It's downright insulting to be the 'and guest' when you've been in a relationship for awhile (especially if it's very public), and an extremely nice thing to do to a new relationship. 

grumbledore

LakeR2014 said:

So we're getting down to the wire here and finally sending out our invitations which I'm so excited about.   However, an issue as come up.   For many of FIs friends, they have significant others - however we either do not them (as their new) or we don't know their last names.   I asked my FI to find out - but he said that'd be weird and just put 'and guest' on them.   Since some of the couples have been together for years, I can't do that.   So here's my questions/dilemma.  What do I do as I can't get their information directly.

Do I put:  John Doe & Guest

Do I put:  John Doe & Jane

or go informal and put: John & Jane

You call them and ask, or your FI does.  It's not weird, it's not hard, and he's being ridiculous.

kgd7357

I just sent out a slew of awkward emails. "Hey Tom, what's Bre's full name?" "Hey Anne, my Facebook stalking shows you are dating a very sexy man. What's his last name?" I got responses quickly. It was not hard at all. He can get over it. 

grumbledore

kgd7357 said:

I just sent out a slew of awkward emails. "Hey Tom, what's Bre's full name?" "Hey Anne, my Facebook stalking shows you are dating a very sexy man. What's his last name?" I got responses quickly. It was not hard at all. He can get over it. 

FTW.

tesgirl123

I might be in the minority, but if you haven't met your FI's friends' GFs and they live reasonably close by, then it is okay to put "and guest" on the invite, because to me, that means that their relationship is pretty new.   Also if its not official on facebook, and these people are fairly young,  there is no reason to know her name.

However, if they have been together for more than 4 months, and the friend has repeatedly called her his GF (or BF) you have to put their name down.   

 

BTW, I am joining the party about annoying FIs and names but adding some gripes about my In-laws.  My FFIL INSISTED on inviting third cousins to the wedding(while not paying, naturally) and when it came down to sending the invitations, neither my FI or his mother knew the first names of the spouses of some of these third cousins.   The problem is all the cousins are women and so to address the invitations they were like  Mr. and Mrs. Doe instead of Mr.  and Mrs. John Doe.     Nevermind the fact that I have never met these people and wouldn't know them if I hit them with my car.   Then FMIL misspells half the names on the list of third cousins and puts a cousin down without guest.   Some people we deliberately put without a guest, like we had a couple of older women who were recently widowed so they were invited solo.   Now, having never met this woman, I assumed she was older and there was a reason she was invited solo.  

Third cousin calls up my FI and literally screams at him that she wants to bring her BF, she is refusing to come unless she can bring him.  He has to say okay to calm her down.   Turns out she wasn't invited with a date because the last family wedding she was invited to (FI's older brother 11 years agol) she RSVPed with her BF only to have them break up before hand.   She brings a random guy who got drunk, and loudly announced that the only reason he was there is because she promised him a BJ that night.  

melbelleup

I decided I don't need to read everyone's response today. but, this is how we did it: If I knew them or it was my friends/family side I found out. We also found out Fi's side BUT his change daily and all the time, so certain friends got their SO's name on it, others got and guest... LUCKILY we did this because two people have already broken up from the time I printed them and now... which was a week ago.

melbelleup

jerkyanne said:

My cousin got my last name wrong on an invite. Someone I grew up with put a completely different last name on my invite to his wedding. I was a little insulted. But what I've found works and is a little less awkward, "How do you spell (girlfriend's) last name?" I mean, you might get an "ummm, smith" but more likely they'll just think you'll double checking.

I did this one and the guy was like umm it's adams A-D-A-M-S lol my bad coach..

thisismynickname2

melbelleup said:

jerkyanne said:

My cousin got my last name wrong on an invite. Someone I grew up with put a completely different last name on my invite to his wedding. I was a little insulted. But what I've found works and is a little less awkward, "How do you spell (girlfriend's) last name?" I mean, you might get an "ummm, smith" but more likely they'll just think you'll double checking.

I did this one and the guy was like umm it's adams A-D-A-M-S lol my bad coach..

Pft, with all the Smyths and Addamms I'd just play that off. "Ok, I thought so, but man I had this client the other day who spelled it all wacky and better safe than sorry! Haha!"

phira

tesgirl123 said:

I might be in the minority, but if you haven't met your FI's friends' GFs and they live reasonably close by, then it is okay to put "and guest" on the invite, because to me, that means that their relationship is pretty new.   Also if its not official on facebook, and these people are fairly young,  there is no reason to know her name.

However, if they have been together for more than 4 months, and the friend has repeatedly called her his GF (or BF) you have to put their name down.   

 

BTW, I am joining the party about annoying FIs and names but adding some gripes about my In-laws.  My FFIL INSISTED on inviting third cousins to the wedding(while not paying, naturally) and when it came down to sending the invitations, neither my FI or his mother knew the first names of the spouses of some of these third cousins.   The problem is all the cousins are women and so to address the invitations they were like  Mr. and Mrs. Doe instead of Mr.  and Mrs. John Doe.     Nevermind the fact that I have never met these people and wouldn't know them if I hit them with my car.   Then FMIL misspells half the names on the list of third cousins and puts a cousin down without guest.   Some people we deliberately put without a guest, like we had a couple of older women who were recently widowed so they were invited solo.   Now, having never met this woman, I assumed she was older and there was a reason she was invited solo.  

Third cousin calls up my FI and literally screams at him that she wants to bring her BF, she is refusing to come unless she can bring him.  He has to say okay to calm her down.   Turns out she wasn't invited with a date because the last family wedding she was invited to (FI's older brother 11 years agol) she RSVPed with her BF only to have them break up before hand.   She brings a random guy who got drunk, and loudly announced that the only reason he was there is because she promised him a BJ that night.  

@tesgirl123 No.

First off (your second paragraph), 4 months is a totally arbitrary time, and calling someone your girlfriend or boyfriend is also entirely arbitrary. One of my friends had what can only be described as a smoldering love affair with a man for two years and not only did she never call him her boyfriend, but he really wasn't her boyfriend. However, if the relationship were still on-going, I'd be putting his name along with hers on an invitation. And after only a few months of dating, my partner and I were already discussing moving in together, and we'd met each other's families.

That's one of the reasons why we recommend NOT treating people differently based on the length of a relationship, or the words people use to describe their relationships.

As for the first paragraph, also filled with a whole lotta NOPE.

1) Haven't met a person's significant other? I haven't met a BUNCH of my friends' significant others. I'm sure that many of those people live reasonably close by, too (both the friends and their significant others). None of the relationships are newer than 4 months. I didn't meet my friend's fiance-now-husband until their wedding. I still haven't met one of my friend's boyfriends, and they've been together since 2008.

2) Not everyone uses facebook, and not everyone who uses facebook uses the relationship feature. I had to find out that my cousin and his girlfriend had broken up because they never used the relationship feature on facebook in the first place.

3) Again, "fairly young," whether or not that's in the context of facebook, is arbitrary. First of all, you're (again) making up a rule to treat some guests differently than others. Why should I bother to learn my 29-year-old brother's girlfriend's name (because they're not fairly young), but not my 20-year-old cousin's girlfriend's name (because they are fairly young)? Treat all adults the same.

And in the context of facebook, it also makes no sense. Like I said, cousin and his girlfriend, who were high school sweethearts and dated until their third year of college, never used facebook for their relationship status.

Basically, please don't use arbitrary rules to decide when it's okay to be lazy about finding out people's names. It's awkward sometimes, but it's nearly always easy.

grumbledore

tesgirl123 said:

I might be in the minority, but if you haven't met your FI's friends' GFs and they live reasonably close by, then it is okay to put "and guest" on the invite, because to me, that means that their relationship is pretty new.   Also if its not official on facebook, and these people are fairly young,  there is no reason to know her name.

However, if they have been together for more than 4 months, and the friend has repeatedly called her his GF (or BF) you have to put their name down.   

 

BTW, I am joining the party about annoying FIs and names but adding some gripes about my In-laws.  My FFIL INSISTED on inviting third cousins to the wedding(while not paying, naturally) and when it came down to sending the invitations, neither my FI or his mother knew the first names of the spouses of some of these third cousins.   The problem is all the cousins are women and so to address the invitations they were like  Mr. and Mrs. Doe instead of Mr.  and Mrs. John Doe.     Nevermind the fact that I have never met these people and wouldn't know them if I hit them with my car.   Then FMIL misspells half the names on the list of third cousins and puts a cousin down without guest.   Some people we deliberately put without a guest, like we had a couple of older women who were recently widowed so they were invited solo.   Now, having never met this woman, I assumed she was older and there was a reason she was invited solo.  

Third cousin calls up my FI and literally screams at him that she wants to bring her BF, she is refusing to come unless she can bring him.  He has to say okay to calm her down.   Turns out she wasn't invited with a date because the last family wedding she was invited to (FI's older brother 11 years agol) she RSVPed with her BF only to have them break up before hand.   She brings a random guy who got drunk, and loudly announced that the only reason he was there is because she promised him a BJ that night.  

You are so wrong.  So, so, so wrong.  

1)  Facebook has shit to do with the seriousness of someone's relationship;

2)  You do not judge the seriousness of someone's relationship, THEY do;

3)  You do not put "and guest" on the invitation of anyone in a relationship, period;

4)  4 months?  Is this some magic number you're sharing with us from your infinite wisdom?  Some people meet and get engaged or married in that period of time.  Some people are together for years without ever thinking about getting engaged or married.  For the thousandth time, you do not judge the seriousness of someone else's relationship;

5)  Also, you are wrong.