inviting siblings and kids

lookame3639

We originally planned for just our parents and our kids at our wedding but have decided to include our siblings but not their kids.

first question FI sister is a drug addict and an alcoholic. Last time we were put together she actually punched me because I was tired of her leaving her daughter in the room with me to babysit (after I had spent the week in the hospital and was recovering) i started tell her "I would never..." then she jumped up and punched me thankfully FI caught her before it could get worse but needless to say I'm not comfortable with her at my wedding. FI wants her there as long as her act is cleaned up and she's on the straight and narrow however at this point in time none of.his.family knows where she is. If she's found is.it wrong to.not invite her given the past?

On another note my mom wants to invite my sisters 2 kids and pay for them as well. We can't afford to pay for the 10 kids total our siblings have and the venue also won't allow for that many guests as well. FI wants to tell his sibs if they pay for their kids they can be invited but Idodon't see how this whole thing is feasible. Should I tell my mom if sis declines due to childcare then that's ok (as a side note his sibs have child care established...His brother is divorced and his kids could go with their mom and his sis obviously doesn't have custody of hers, my sis childcare is my parents no one else)

delujm0

You never need to invite anyone who has physically assaulted you to your wedding, no matter who that person is.  And if your FI wants you to invite a person who once punched you to your wedding, you may have a FI problem.

 

I wouldn't invite your sister's kids unless your FI's siblings' kids can also be invited.  In my opinion that would make it look like you were favoring your family over his.

 

NEVER allow people to pay for themselves at your reception.  The point of the reception is to thank people for attending your wedding.  Which is why you should be hosting it.  People shouldn't have to pay admission to attend your reception, which is essentially what it would be if FI's siblings pay for their kids to be there.

doeydo

lookame3639 said:

We originally planned for just our parents and our kids at our wedding but have decided to include our siblings but not their kids. first question FI sister is a drug addict and an alcoholic. Last time we were put together she actually punched me because I was tired of her leaving her daughter in the room with me to babysit (after I had spent the week in the hospital and was recovering) i started tell her "I would never..." then she jumped up and punched me thankfully FI caught her before it could get worse but needless to say I'm not comfortable with her at my wedding. FI wants her there as long as her act is cleaned up and she's on the straight and narrow however at this point in time none of.his.family knows where she is. If she's found is.it wrong to.not invite her given the past? Whoa, she physically assaulted you.  Of course you don't have to invite her!  However, you have to talk to your FI because it sounds like he wants her there still.  If you two decide to invite her, you could warn the staff at your venue about her potentially doing something and/or hire security.
On another note my mom wants to invite my sisters 2 kids and pay for them as well. We can't afford to pay for the 10 kids total our siblings have and the venue also won't allow for that many guests as well. FI wants to tell his sibs if they pay for their kids they can be invited but Idodon't see how this whole thing is feasible. Should I tell my mom if sis declines due to childcare then that's ok (as a side note his sibs have child care established...His brother is divorced and his kids could go with their mom and his sis obviously doesn't have custody of hers, my sis childcare is my parents no one else)  You cannot invite someone and ask for them to pay for themselves, therefor you cannot invite someone with their children and then ask them to cover the costs for their kids.  You do not have to invite any kids if you don't want to, you can invite in circles (ie. all your siblings' kids but not your cousins' kids), or you can stick to only inviting the flower girl and ring bearer (if you are having them).  Of course, some parents might decline the invite if they cannot bring their children so you have to accept that.

lookame3639

Sorry i meant to add that I've never been comfortable allowing people to "pay their way" as in pay for their kids to be there FI wanted to do it i told him no. I wasnt comfortable with my parents paying for my sisters kids in the first place and have already told my mom that I'm prepared for her decline to the wedding.

phira

Agree with @delujm0: It sounds like you might have a FI problem, not a FSIL problem. You do not have to invite someone to your wedding who has physically assaulted you.

Also, weddings are not events you can buy tickets for, which is why I also don't like when guests offer to pay you so that they can (make you) invite the people they want. Tell your mom, "We are only inviting siblings, not kids. It's not up for discussion."

Jen4948

Well, it's not appropriate to ask any guest to assume the costs of their and their kids' hosting at one's wedding, so if you can't afford to host these people, I think you need to institute an adults-only policy and make it stick, even if your FI and your sisters don't agree.  Be prepared for fit-throwing and threats of boycotting, but also be prepared to stand firm on this with everyone.

kmmssg

Several things going on here:

1.  The FSIL.  I have lost multiple members of my immediate family to addiction and alcoholism so I am sorry your FI and his family are walking down this road.  Since she has physically assaulted you that would be an automatic no-go in my book for an invitation.  The problem for the families of alcoholics and addicts is that they keep trying to help the person, keep trying not to give up on them, keep hoping the "old" person will resurface.  Your FI is probably stuck there like I was for a very long time.  It doesn't work like that.  They need to be cut off until they try to get clean and sober through rehab and whatever program will work for them.  Doing what I have bolded above is called enabling and is actually encouraging the addiction and alcoholism, it isn't helping.

I lost 2 brothers in 2006 - one of them was an alcoholic/addict who was clean and sober for 15 years then used/drank for 5 years and it killed him.  He was 12 years older than me and aside from my husband and kids, no one ever loved me more than he did and I never loved anyone (again aside from DH and kids) more than I loved him.  He was my big brother, protector, defender, and hero.  He was my kids special Uncle.  If he were alive today it would devastate me, but I wouldn't be able to invite him to my DD's wedding this June because I would know my guests belongings wouldn't be safe.  Addicts steal - those drugs are expensive.  No way could I have him there.  For that reason alone I would not invite FSIL.

Caveat to that - if she TRULY apologized for attacking you and was TRULY working a rehab program, you could reconsider. 

2.  The kid issue - first and foremost, you can't invite your nieces and nephews and not FI's.  If you want to draw a line in the sand and set up a contentious relationship, that would do it.  Just as important, you can't let anyone bring their kids on the condition they pay for them.  Absolutely  not!

I really encourage you (and I have grandkids of my own) to talk to your mom and tell her that paying for your sister's kids is off the table.  Part of being a parent is missing things if you don't have childcare. 

You also said in your OP " We can't afford to pay for the 10 kids total our siblings have and the venue also won't allow for that many guests as well. FI wants to tell his sibs if they pay for their kids they can be invited but Idodon't see how this whole thing is feasible."  If the venue won't allow it, how is this even a discussion for FI?

I am all for no kid weddings but how did you figure this would work when you are saying that your parents are your sister's only childcare? 

lookame3639

@kmmssg thank you for being so open about your family with me. She did apologize but the way she apologized felt forced and fake. It was the day following and she was in need of a ride home. I know she's struggled off and on she can get sober for awhile then something happens (mainly she gets a stable living environment and a job) and she goes back to using her money, stealing ect to get high again. I really do feel for her she's lost so much and I see how much it hurts FI and his family that she's not the same sister he's grown up with and shared so many memories with. She's very sweet and smart when she's sober but when she's gone downhill again she's so quick to snap.

As for the kids I've told my mom multiple times that the venue won't allow for extras. I also told her if i invite my niece and nephew i have to invite FI siblings kids. When i told FI about my mom's idea to invite the kids and pay he stated well then let's invite my siblings kids and tell them to pay. I want to properly host my guests and i told him no andstated the venue restrictions again. The only two kids who will be there are my son (who is a part of the ceremony and will be taking part in our unity ceremony since he will be gaining a step father) and the baby which is cooking right now. Again I am prepared for my sister to decline to come to the wedding since she doesn't have child care options and I don't want to treat her special and create unnecessarytensions between everyone.

It's such a small wedding that any tension I have a feeling everyone will feel (FI mom and dad are divorced and his dad is remarried so that may be enough tension as it is and there will also be tension if FI sister is found)

kmmssg

lookame3639 said:

@kmmssg thank you for being so open about your family with me. She did apologize but the way she apologized felt forced and fake. It was the day following and she was in need of a ride home. I know she's struggled off and on she can get sober for awhile then something happens (mainly she gets a stable living environment and a job) and she goes back to using her money, stealing ect to get high again. I really do feel for her she's lost so much and I see how much it hurts FI and his family that she's not the same sister he's grown up with and shared so many memories with. She's very sweet and smart when she's sober but when she's gone downhill again she's so quick to snap. As for the kids I've told my mom multiple times that the venue won't allow for extras. I also told her if i invite my niece and nephew i have to invite FI siblings kids. When i told FI about my mom's idea to invite the kids and pay he stated well then let's invite my siblings kids and tell them to pay. I want to properly host my guests and i told him no andstated the venue restrictions again. The only two kids who will be there are my son (who is a part of the ceremony and will be taking part in our unity ceremony since he will be gaining a step father) and the baby which is cooking right now. Again I am prepared for my sister to decline to come to the wedding since she doesn't have child care options and I don't want to treat her special and create unnecessarytensions between everyone. It's such a small wedding that any tension I have a feeling everyone will feel (FI mom and dad are divorced and his dad is remarried so that may be enough tension as it is and there will also be tension if FI sister is found)

Sounds to me like you are going down the right road here - just need FI to get on board - I hope he will do that soon.

I do feel for him and his family.  It is a tough road to walk and therapy can be invaluable as well as Alanon meetings.  They are for families and friends of addicts/alcoholics and provide a place to share your experience with others walking the same road.  It is also a good place to hear from those who are making the journey successfully by not enabling.  I really encourage you all to check it out.

One other thing - if she REALLY is at a point in life where she is trying to maintain being clean/sober, encourage the behavior and engage her.  She is doing the best she can at the moment and reinforcing the positive behavior is always a good thing.  If she falls of the wagon (everyone does - what is important is that they try again) don't enable.  I wish you all the best.