Cold feet... about changing my name

LizM61409

I had always thought I would change my name when I get married... when we got engaged I had a little hesitation about it (though I was never totally against it) but FI told me it was really important to him so I decided for sure I would be changing it.

I'm a physician about to finish residency. So for almost 4 years, I've been introducing myself as "Dr. Mylastname" and I'm really used to that. My new practice that I will be joining this summer after the wedding has asked me to put together a little bio that they can put on the practice website... I typed up a draft using "Dr. FIlastname" and it just looked really weird, and made me second guess everything. Like, it felt wrong.

FI's last name is a nice name, it's not like it's weird or long or difficult to pronounce or anything, but it's not mine. On the other hand, I've always thought that when we have kids I'd want to have everyone (me, FI, kids) to have the same last name. I know, I could always keep my last name legally and use it professionally but go by his last name socially, but I think that just gets confusing.

I feel like most people have strong opinions one way or the other on what to do here.... anyone else on the fence?

SmileDamnit

I'm actually not on the fence and am excited to take FI's last name, rather I just noticed that we have the same wedding date so cheers to that! (…sorry, I blame the wine for the tangent).

That said, I work with veterinary specialist and much like human medicine professionals, many of women them do as you suggested as an option and use their maiden names professionally and DH's last name personally. I realize that helps absolutely zero in your decision, though. Sorry

mysticl

I have buyers remorse on changing my last name.  No concrete reasons as to why it's just a feeling I have.  

pumpkinsandturkeys

I'm on the fence, too. At work, everyone knows me as Pumpkin Lastname. The idea of transitioning to FI's last name is odd.

At the same time, I want to have the same surname as my children, and hyphenating our names sounds ridiculous (trust me). So, I have no choice but to change my last name.

Edited because I hit 'post' before I meant to.

In Ontario, we can either assume other spouse's last name, or hyphenate, without changing our birth certificate. Anything else involves having a legal name change. I've decided that the only option for me is to take my maiden name as a second middle name, and then take FI's name as my surname. Hence, legal name change. It's such a pain.

grumbledore

I want to change mine, but I still feel like my stomach is bottoming out when I really think about doing it.  I guess that's not helpful.

I was at a retreat with my brother last weekend and we had to make a folder to hold random documents for our family (we live together right now with my daughter and my FI) - he was trying to be sweet and wrote "BLastname-Dlastname-FIlastname-Family" and it really freaked me out.

LadyMillil

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

I'm on the fence, too. At work, everyone knows me as Pumpkin Lastname. The idea of transitioning to FI's last name is odd.

At the same time, I want to have the same surname as my children, and hyphenating our names sounds ridiculous (trust me). So, I have no choice but to change my last name.

Edited because I hit 'post' before I meant to.

In Ontario, we can either assume other spouse's last name, or hyphenate, without changing our birth certificate. Anything else involves having a legal name change. I've decided that the only option for me is to take my maiden name as a second middle name, and then take FI's name as my surname. Hence, legal name change. It's such a pain.

@pumpkinsandturkeys Thanks for posting this. I just doubled checked BC name changing and I can either continue to use my last name or assume my spouse's last name. Hyphenating or using both last names requires a legal name change. 

It's really important to my FI that I take his last name, but I want to keep using my last name professionally, as I've published under my last name. I was planning on using my last name professionally and FI's last name socially, with my last name being Mylastname FIlastname (no hyphen), but that option requires a legal name change, which I don't really want to do. 

winniethepooh368

LizM61409 said:

I had always thought I would change my name when I get married... when we got engaged I had a little hesitation about it (though I was never totally against it) but FI told me it was really important to him so I decided for sure I would be changing it.

I'm a physician about to finish residency. So for almost 4 years, I've been introducing myself as "Dr. Mylastname" and I'm really used to that. My new practice that I will be joining this summer after the wedding has asked me to put together a little bio that they can put on the practice website... I typed up a draft using "Dr. FIlastname" and it just looked really weird, and made me second guess everything. Like, it felt wrong.

FI's last name is a nice name, it's not like it's weird or long or difficult to pronounce or anything, but it's not mine. On the other hand, I've always thought that when we have kids I'd want to have everyone (me, FI, kids) to have the same last name. I know, I could always keep my last name legally and use it professionally but go by his last name socially, but I think that just gets confusing.

I feel like most people have strong opinions one way or the other on what to do here.... anyone else on the fence?

I am a physician too and married my husband after finishing residency and fellowship. I never planned to change my last name as I felt it was how I identified myself professionally. However, my husband did want me to take his last name (though not to the point that it was a deal breaker) so we compromised. Professionally I go by my maiden name and I did not change my name legally. Socially I go by his last name. This works for us and I do not find it confusing. 

phira

Honestly, I don't think you need to justify your decision, even to yourself. The question just boils down to: Do you want to change your name or not?

Because if you want to change your name, then it's OKAY to use one name professionally and another socially. Or you can just change it entirely and get used to being Dr. Hislast. A lot of people go, "Of course you're not going to change your name because you're published," but to me, that's irrelevant. Plenty of women who are published get married and change their last names.

And if you don't want to change your name, you don't have to worry about whether or not it's acceptable for you to keep the name you have now. You don't have to change your last name just because his last name ISN'T hard to pronounce or spell. You don't have to change your last name just because you AREN'T terribly attached to your family name.

Basically, there are no rules. If it's not something you're comfortable with, then don't change it.

mbross3

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

I'm on the fence, too. At work, everyone knows me as Pumpkin Lastname. The idea of transitioning to FI's last name is odd.

At the same time, I want to have the same surname as my children, and hyphenating our names sounds ridiculous (trust me). So, I have no choice but to change my last name.

Edited because I hit 'post' before I meant to.

In Ontario, we can either assume other spouse's last name, or hyphenate, without changing our birth certificate. Anything else involves having a legal name change. I've decided that the only option for me is to take my maiden name as a second middle name, and then take FI's name as my surname. Hence, legal name change. It's such a pain.

You have other choices- I mean, there is no reason why you can't keep your last name and give your children your last name too. There is no reason why your kids have to have your FI's last name and not your maiden name. People always seem to forget the option of giving the children their mother's last name, so I just like to point it out

thejucheidea

I liked taking my husband's name. I did keep my maiden name as my middle name though, as I wanted to keep it as well.

phira

mbross3 said:

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

I'm on the fence, too. At work, everyone knows me as Pumpkin Lastname. The idea of transitioning to FI's last name is odd.

At the same time, I want to have the same surname as my children, and hyphenating our names sounds ridiculous (trust me). So, I have no choice but to change my last name.

Edited because I hit 'post' before I meant to.

In Ontario, we can either assume other spouse's last name, or hyphenate, without changing our birth certificate. Anything else involves having a legal name change. I've decided that the only option for me is to take my maiden name as a second middle name, and then take FI's name as my surname. Hence, legal name change. It's such a pain.

You have other choices- I mean, there is no reason why you can't keep your last name and give your children your last name too. There is no reason why your kids have to have your FI's last name and not your maiden name. People always seem to forget the option of giving the children their mother's last name, so I just like to point it out

I'm actually pushing for future children to have my last name, because 1) I feel like, all things considered, he's got no advantage for why our children should have his last name, and 2) if we DO want to start taking other things into consideration, if I have to be pregnant (something I am not terribly excited about) and give birth, I feel like hey, advantage.

SBmini

I always thought I would take my fiance's last name. I did data entry for a while, and it was always so obnoxious to me when I had to input two completely different names. I didn't know if they were married, just living together, etc. I feel like having the same last night makes it feel more real. Like you are all the same family and not just engaged any more. I also think it is easier for kids, school paperwork, etc. This of course, is just my opinion.

However, my fiance has one of those long, difficult ethnic last names which has made me second guess my view. I'm still going to take it, but I'm not as excited about it as I once was.

KytchynWitche

This is a decision which, unfortunately, no one can make but you. I struggled with it for a long time myself.

I'm 28. That means I've been "Miss Mylastname" for more than a quarter of a century. That's a freaking long time. I'm not particularly fond of it, nor have I ever been, but I feel like my identity is established with it. I've had work published under it. And, of course, the feminist in me says that it's absolutely ridiculous that women are "expected" (for lack of a better word) to change their last name upon marriage, but it's not even an option for men. At least, not as part of the marriage - he'd have to go through a separate legal process. Yuck double standards.

FI doesn't want to take my name, but we did briefly consider both changing last names to something else. Sadly, SA is pretty restrictive on what you can change your last name to (there has to be some familial connection, you can't just pick a name at random) and we couldn't agree on any of the names in our family trees.

After months of debate on the subject, I finally decided that I'm going to take FI's name. I will be Mrs FIlastname legally, professionally, and socially. If I'm asked to write for clients for whom I've written in the past, I'll probably keep the current byline (just so that all my work with/for that particular client has the same name, because I'm a little OCD like that), but I don't see that actually happening.

pinkshorts27

urbaneca said:

This is a decision which, unfortunately, no one can make but you. I struggled with it for a long time myself.

I'm 28. That means I've been "Miss Mylastname" for more than a quarter of a century. That's a freaking long time. I'm not particularly fond of it, nor have I ever been, but I feel like my identity is established with it. I've had work published under it. And, of course, the feminist in me says that it's absolutely ridiculous that women are "expected" (for lack of a better word) to change their last name upon marriage, but it's not even an option for men. At least, not as part of the marriage - he'd have to go through a separate legal process. Yuck double standards.

FI doesn't want to take my name, but we did briefly consider both changing last names to something else. Sadly, SA is pretty restrictive on what you can change your last name to (there has to be some familial connection, you can't just pick a name at random) and we couldn't agree on any of the names in our family trees.

After months of debate on the subject, I finally decided that I'm going to take FI's name. I will be Mrs FIlastname legally, professionally, and socially. If I'm asked to write for clients for whom I've written in the past, I'll probably keep the current byline (just so that all my work with/for that particular client has the same name, because I'm a little OCD like that), but I don't see that actually happening.

Actually that depends on where you are. They just updated some laws in OR (USA) so men can change same as women on their marriage licence without a separate legal process. They have all the options as women (including moving their original name to their middle name).

Blergbot

I'm not on the fence, but I'd just like to give you my reasoning for not changing my name. It's totally a personal thing, and it helped having my own non-name-changing-mother, but keeping my name is pretty much a dealbreaker for me. My name is very italian and very difficult for people to get right (even though it is not at all hard to pronounce), but it is MY NAME. It's not just a feminist choice for me, though that does play a large role, but my name has been a part of me and my identity my whole life. It's part of who I am, and I can't just change that. Also, it is not important to me or FI that I take on his name. He's very happy for me to maintain my own identity. I don't judge others who make the choice, but I do feel it's slightly old fashioned and feeds into a patriarchal mindset. If that's not something that concerns you, then no big deal, it's just something I think we should all at least CONSIDER. But most importantly, listen to your gut! If it feels right, then do it, if not, then don't. And don't forget that you have other options, too!

pumpkinsandturkeys

mbross3 said:

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

I'm on the fence, too. At work, everyone knows me as Pumpkin Lastname. The idea of transitioning to FI's last name is odd.

At the same time, I want to have the same surname as my children, and hyphenating our names sounds ridiculous (trust me). So, I have no choice but to change my last name.

Edited because I hit 'post' before I meant to.

In Ontario, we can either assume other spouse's last name, or hyphenate, without changing our birth certificate. Anything else involves having a legal name change. I've decided that the only option for me is to take my maiden name as a second middle name, and then take FI's name as my surname. Hence, legal name change. It's such a pain.

You have other choices- I mean, there is no reason why you can't keep your last name and give your children your last name too. There is no reason why your kids have to have your FI's last name and not your maiden name. People always seem to forget the option of giving the children their mother's last name, so I just like to point it out

I know that there are other choices in general -- they're just not options for me, personally.

Basically, I want to have my cake and eat it, too. I consider myself a modern woman and feel no pressure to give up my surname, and I know that I could pass it down to our kids and FI would be fine with that. However, I am traditional at heart when it comes to this, and I would like our entire family to share a name. For various reasons stemming from my childhood and my own family, I've realised how important it is to me to have that binding element of a shared familial name.

Because I like the idea of taking his name, want everyone in our future family to have the same name, and don't want to give up my maiden name completely, my only option is a legal name change and taking my maiden name as a middle name. And I actually like FI's last name, so it's not like I'm making a sacrifice for a name I'm not fond of.

Chipmunk415

I've been trying to decide what to do. I'm a lawyer, and for nearly a year and a half of practice as an attorney, I've been Ms. Chipmunk. I didn't want to go with Mrs. Chipmunk-HoneyBadger, as that's too long. But I still wanted to retain part of my maiden name somewhere in there.

I've been thinking all week of what to do. I've decided to drop my given middle name and use my maiden name as my middle on legal documents and the like. Let's me retain my heritage and avoid confusion as I make the transition.

JaniV123

we thought of hyphenating but he wants his last name to go first and it really made me uncomfortable so we are likely not doing anything. People here rarely take their spouses last name so its no biggie. I love my last name and I want to be Dr. V not Dr. M or Dr. M-V so yea. I would love for us to hyphen and keep both our names but I like it with my last name first and FI has issues with it not being ordered alphabetically so yea

cruffino

winniethepooh368 said:

I am a physician too and married my husband after finishing residency and fellowship. I never planned to change my last name as I felt it was how I identified myself professionally. However, my husband did want me to take his last name (though not to the point that it was a deal breaker) so we compromised. Professionally I go by my maiden name and I did not change my name legally. Socially I go by his last name. This works for us and I do not find it confusing. 

This is what I'm doing as well. I haven't changed my name, but socially I'm "Mrs. Hislastname".

SKPM

OP, I can empathize. I was on the fence for a long time leading up to our wedding. We got married July, 2012, and I was still on the fence several months (like 8-10) after the wedding. I went around and around in circles, debating the options... First/Middle/Maiden/Married, First/Maiden/Married, First/Middle/Maiden-Married, taking-his-name-socially, etc.

One thing that helped ease my mind was doing a little research at the local and federal levels, wherein I found that I actually had 2 years to make a decision and change it legally with Social Security (my local policies are more lenient) based on the marriage. Any later, and I would need a full court-order name change. So I felt like I had some time. Realistically, we can all change our names at any time with a court order, so even if any of us changes our mind some years down the road, that's okay too.

I tried out some options -- mostly under the radar. I opened a new email account with my H's name (spoiler alert: I kept my name as is) to see how it felt (never used it though), temporarily changed my name on Facebook to hyphenated MyLast-HisLast, and continued to receive snail mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst HisLast (not per my choice, just per other traditional people who assumed I'd changed it).

After a long time of reflecting on how those options made me think and feel, I finally decided to keep my name as is. Just recently I feel like I really own that decision and I'm proud of it, not ashamed or embarrassed. I feel comfortable tactfully correcting people when warranted.

I encourage you to take your time, do some research, explore all options, try some out temporarily if you're able, and take stock of how your gut reacts to you answering to various names. There really is no reason to make a hasty decision. The most important thing is for you to feel comfortable and confident with whatever name you choose.

phira

@SKPM Thank you for sharing your experience! I think that a lot of people feel as if they must make a decision immediately, and that they should know, one way or another, and feel strongly about it before the wedding happens.

LizM61409

Thanks for everyone's insights. I know I do still have some time to think about it, I was just a little upset because I thought I knew I wanted to take FI's name and just recently had this moment of "omg now I'm not sure". Basically I'm totally okay with "Liz FIlast name", but "Dr. FIlastname" kinda freaks me out. Maybe I'll think more about not changing it legally but using it socially. 

ilovecake84

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

I'm on the fence, too. At work, everyone knows me as Pumpkin Lastname. The idea of transitioning to FI's last name is odd.

At the same time, I want to have the same surname as my children, and hyphenating our names sounds ridiculous (trust me). So, I have no choice but to change my last name.

Edited because I hit 'post' before I meant to.

In Ontario, we can either assume other spouse's last name, or hyphenate, without changing our birth certificate. Anything else involves having a legal name change. I've decided that the only option for me is to take my maiden name as a second middle name, and then take FI's name as my surname. Hence, legal name change. It's such a pain.

I'm wondering why you don't just add your FI's last name on to yours? You don't actually have to have a hyphen, you can combine your name's with a space in between:
http://www.ontario.ca/government/changing-your-last-name-just-married

This way you don't actually have to go through the legal name process. When it's written out, it looks the exact same as if you had legally changed your maiden name to your middle name. Socially, if you used your FI's last name, your family would all have the same surname.

Just curious. Seems easier to me than going through the legal process.

pumpkinsandturkeys

aforeste1 said:

I'm on the fence, too. At work, everyone knows me as Pumpkin Lastname. The idea of transitioning to FI's last name is odd.

At the same time, I want to have the same surname as my children, and hyphenating our names sounds ridiculous (trust me). So, I have no choice but to change my last name.

Edited because I hit 'post' before I meant to.

In Ontario, we can either assume other spouse's last name, or hyphenate, without changing our birth certificate. Anything else involves having a legal name change. I've decided that the only option for me is to take my maiden name as a second middle name, and then take FI's name as my surname. Hence, legal name change. It's such a pain.

I'm wondering why you don't just add your FI's last name on to yours? You don't actually have to have a hyphen, you can combine your name's with a space in between: http://www.ontario.ca/government/changing-your-last-name-just-married This way you don't actually have to go through the legal name process. When it's written out, it looks the exact same as if you had legally changed your maiden name to your middle name. Socially, if you used your FI's last name, your family would all have the same surname. Just curious. Seems easier to me than going through the legal process.

Our names look really ridiculous together, and I would never use both socially or at work. I don't care if I never 'use' my current surname again -- I just want to have it. I know this doesn't make sense to most people, but I have plenty of personal reasons for doing so.

This process still involves switching over your driver's license and health card, so it's not totally straightforward. If I'm going to change those, I may as well change my passport, etc, too and do the legal name change. Plus, I have actually legally changed my name before (back when I was a child), so it's not as though my birth certificate reflects the name I was born with, anyway. It doesn't cost any more money to do, and then I don't have to keep track of whether I'm Mrs. Pumpkin Turkey when it comes to something or if I have to sign as Mrs. Pumpkin so that it matches my legal name -- it'll all be the same.

LauraM131

I don't know if I am the only one that feels this way but I needed to vent a little.  My wedding was last weekend and I still haven't decided whether or not to change my name, but I am leaning toward not, and it kind of annoys me that everyone has pretty much gone ahead and changed my name for me.  90% of the cards we received at the wedding had Mr. and Mrs. His Last Name on them, the photographer posted pictures on FB yesterday and wrote my first name his last name in the title of the album because he just assumed I was changing to that, co-worker asked me first thing this morning what she should call me now because she knows I have been on the fence.  I know that no one means anything personal by this but it does bother me that everyone just assumes you are changing your last name.

Now I am thinking I have no right to be annoyed because I could have told more people that I wasn't going to change my name, but I honestly still haven't decided and didn't think anyone else needed to be involved in that discussion.  If I do not change my name I need to figure out how to not let it bother me when someone calls me by the wrong name, so that is what I am trying to work on.

CrazyCatLady3

LauraM131 said:

I don't know if I am the only one that feels this way but I needed to vent a little.  My wedding was last weekend and I still haven't decided whether or not to change my name, but I am leaning toward not, and it kind of annoys me that everyone has pretty much gone ahead and changed my name for me.  90% of the cards we received at the wedding had Mr. and Mrs. His Last Name on them, the photographer posted pictures on FB yesterday and wrote my first name his last name in the title of the album because he just assumed I was changing to that, co-worker asked me first thing this morning what she should call me now because she knows I have been on the fence.  I know that no one means anything personal by this but it does bother me that everyone just assumes you are changing your last name.

Now I am thinking I have no right to be annoyed because I could have told more people that I wasn't going to change my name, but I honestly still haven't decided and didn't think anyone else needed to be involved in that discussion.  If I do not change my name I need to figure out how to not let it bother me when someone calls me by the wrong name, so that is what I am trying to work on.

That's annoying.  I'm getting married in June and was thinking of trying to head off this problem by spreading by word of mouth that I'm keeping my name, but I also don't want to look obnoxious about it.

phira

LauraM131 said:

I don't know if I am the only one that feels this way but I needed to vent a little.  My wedding was last weekend and I still haven't decided whether or not to change my name, but I am leaning toward not, and it kind of annoys me that everyone has pretty much gone ahead and changed my name for me.  90% of the cards we received at the wedding had Mr. and Mrs. His Last Name on them, the photographer posted pictures on FB yesterday and wrote my first name his last name in the title of the album because he just assumed I was changing to that, co-worker asked me first thing this morning what she should call me now because she knows I have been on the fence.  I know that no one means anything personal by this but it does bother me that everyone just assumes you are changing your last name.

Now I am thinking I have no right to be annoyed because I could have told more people that I wasn't going to change my name, but I honestly still haven't decided and didn't think anyone else needed to be involved in that discussion.  If I do not change my name I need to figure out how to not let it bother me when someone calls me by the wrong name, so that is what I am trying to work on.

First off, congrats about getting married

Regardless of what decision you make, I am 100% with you on how inappropriate it is for everyone to assume you changed your name. It's not about whether or not you have a "right" to be annoyed by something; if something annoys you, it's annoying! End of story. And in this case, what you're experiencing is the cultural pressure to change your name, which is even more annoying.

I would contact the photographer, actually, and say, "Thanks for posting our wonderful pictures, but you got my last name wrong. It's [Lastname]." Super frickin unprofessional, honestly.

wandajune6

grumbledore said:

I want to change mine, but I still feel like my stomach is bottoming out when I really think about doing it.  I guess that's not helpful.

I posted about the same topic yesterday. I gave 1001 reasons for both approaches but ultimately, I'm having the same issue. I want to take his last name. I just get a weird feeling in my stomach each time I think about actually doing it.

BMoreBride6

I've always known I wanted to take my husband's name.  Never even thought twice about it.  But now that I'm in the middle of the process, I in no way regret it and I am happy with my decision, but getting back that first official document under a new name is like, "woah...this is me?".  Like I said, I don't regret it, but I did feel a bit if mourning for my maiden name.  I just couldn't part with it completely so I added my maiden name to my middle name, so I guess I have 4 legal names now. 

sofakingmad

I got a little bit upset with my (now ex) H because he knew that I didn't want to change it, but I agreed because it was important to him.  However, I wanted to make a day out of it and take the day off of work (we both had plenty of vacation time) and go to the SS office and DMV and have lunch and do it as a couple and he flat out refused and told me that it was my job to change it.

I was really annoyed by it because he knew that I was doing it for him.  I never ended up changing it, which was nice to not have to change it back after the divorce.

Elitefourabby

I was super on the fence, because I adore my last name. It's really unique... but it's also a pain in the butt because it's always spelled wrong or something. Future hubby's name is really simple and never gets messed up, plus there's always the whole "joining the family, blah blah blah tradition" thing.

I refuse to hyphenate, because the two names sound so dumb together, like a side dish. So I'm going First name + my middle name + my last name as a second middle name + fiance's last name, and I'm kind of excited about it. It'll sound old fashioned and I love it.