Not taking last name issues

themuffinman16

I talked to my mom, today; she has been out of town, visiting with her sister.  My sister sent out the bridal shower invitations and my mother said she got me something for the shower on pinterest.  Oh... I know what's coming.  I knew she got me a hanger that says Mrs. FIs last name.  I told her to just keep in mind that I am not taking FIs last name (I have told her several times before.)  She said, "Oh damn it." She told me what she got me and I was right.  She asked me if I wanted her to call and have the name changed.  I told her if she could, I would appreciate it, but if she wasn't able to, it wasn't the biggest of deals.  I have told her I was not taking FIs last name several times. 

    I just know, if they can't change it, I won't be Mrs. FI, and it might be poor taste to have this hanger in my wedding photos.  My FI is still sore about me not taking his last name, and I don't want to rub it in his face. But I also know my  mother would expect to see her gift to me in the photos. Did I handle this correctly?  How should I handle it if they can't change the name on the hanger? I hate monogrammed stuff for this very reason. Unless a couple registers for it, it should never be presumed. I know I will get tons of monogrammed stuff from extended family, but they will never know if I used it or not.  What would you do in this situation where the hanger would be expected to be seen in photos?

pinkshorts27

I think I wouldn't use it. But I think it is underhanded that she ordered it knowing that you didn't change your last name. Though you know her better and might judge if she is just forgetful or being passive aggressive.

ETA: Also, why is your FI sore about this? It should be your choice and have no reflection on your relationship. I hope he isn't going to hold this over you head.

LDay2014

Yes, I think you did.  It's your choice not to take his name and she is aware of that.  It isn't going to be your name.  She may as well have gotten you one that said Mrs.Nahasapeemapetilon - to which she would have no qualms about calling to change - because it's not the right name.

It's a sweet gesture on her part (maybe a bit passive aggressive if that's something she might do), but simply a mistake.

I know for FI it was a big deal for him that I take his name.  He's very traditional like that and I agree, it might be a bit of a sore spot for him however, if you're not changing you're name, you're not changing your name.  Not much way around it so he needs to be on board with it for the next 60 years.

themuffinman16

He is getting over it, but everyone in his family has taken the name of their husband. He knows there will be a lot of judgement and side-eyeing.  He has embraced it a lot more, but I don't want the progress we have made about that to take a backwards step because everyone assumes I will be taking his last name (making me look like I am wrong because I am not doing what everyone else thinks I should do). 

    My mother is extremely forgetful.  I wished her a happy birthday two weeks ago, and she did not remember how old she was turning. And she doesn't remember dates very well.  I would think that me not taking FIs last name and us talking in depth about it each and every time would stand out, though.

phira

I wouldn't use the hanger in photos if the name is wrong. Not because it's a TERRIBLE THING, but because it sounds like you're not comfortable with it, and it won't feel like just a little joke-y misunderstanding, you know?

As for your FI, he needs to get over this. Like, really get over it. It's your name. I notice that we all (and by we all, I mean me, too, and my partner) talk about the situation like, "It was important to him that I change my name," or, "My fiance is fine with me keeping my name." The way we talk about name changing subtly implies that anyone else's opinion really matters except yours. When my partner says, "It's okay with me if you don't change your last name," I feel like ... what does that even mean? You're OKAY with my name? Or if you weren't, I'd have to change it?

Anyway. Your fiance gets no say in the situation, and since you've made your decision, he needs to learn to live with it.

AddieCake

I wouldn't use the hanger. And I agree your fiance needs to get over this. 

cruffino

I'm still on the fence about changing my name, and leaving towards NOT changing it. We've been married for about 5 weeks now.

My SIL got me a hangar like the one you're describing and I did use it. I also got a monogrammed robe that say "Mrs. DH last name" (I know some people hate monogrammed stiff but I love it).

Even though I'm struggling with the name change issue, I enjoyed using those items. And our families keeps calling me "Mrs. DH last name" since they are both traditional. While I may not change my name, it doesn't bother me that others use it.

ETA: I think this is an extremely personal decision, and if it does concern you or your FI (and it sounds like it does), then don't use the hangar, and direct people on how you'd prefer to be addressed, if they do not correctly address you. Good luck, I know it's a tough decision.

Blergbot

I've already commented on my reasoning in this thread http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1014601/cold-feet-about-changing-my-name so I won't go into it here, but I agree with @phira. We really do need to change to conversation. I'm glad your FI is getting over it and I'm SUPER glad you're sticking to your guns! I think this is something you're going to be dealing with for awhile--some people are always going to assume you took his name--so now is as good a time as any for him to get used to the idea. If he has a setback about it, he has a setback about it, but the best thing you can do is be confident in your decision.

SKPM

I would not use the hanger or have it in any photos. If your mom honestly forgot (unlikely, IMHO), then she shouldn't have any problem changing it or ordering a new one. Maybe using your first name would be better.

If she ordered it knowing full well that you aren't changing your name, then it sounds like she was making a passive aggressive move and I would not let her "win" -- I would not use the hanger at all. Like PPs said, it might as well say Princess Peach on it; it isn't your name.

Maybe your FI has a mother or an aunt who would like the hanger instead.

jdluvr06

Like the others have said I wouldn't use the hanger and FI needs to get over it. It is your name.