Inviting terminally ill friend?

lebeers

Hey Knotties,
I have received very mixed advice on this topic and would love some honest opinions on a delicate and sad "etiquette" issue.
A friend and colleague of my father's, who I considered to be a dear friend, mentor and personal hero since I was very young, has recently been diagnosed with aggressive pancreatic cancer. She has been given very few realistic treatment options and very little time to live. While we are of course hopeful that she will have much more time than the doctors are predicting, it is nearly impossible that she will be alive and healthy at the time of my wedding from what I understand. I feel dirty even bringing up my wedding in the same sentence as her terminal cancer; however I am very concerned about how to approach this and I want to be extremely careful not to hurt her.
If I do not send her an invitation to the wedding, I feel it is saying, "I won't even bother asking you to come to my wedding because you'll obviously be long gone." But I simultaneously feel afraid that inviting her to a wedding she cannot attend is perhaps suggesting, "Glad you're coming to terms with the end of your life, and I'm just beginning a new chapter of mine...hey, here's another thing you'll miss! Now look at this pretty font I picked out."
I would like to honor and infuse hope and love into this woman's life, but absolutely not insult her or ignore/minimize her terrible circumstances. I would greatly appreciate any feedback on how to address this. Thanks so much, gals.

HisGirlFriday13

Send the invite. I can't imagine what the mixed messages are, but send the invite (or STDate -- when is your wedding?).

You're right that not sending her one tells her you've written her off as dead (or likely dead).

Sending her one tells her you love her and want her to share this new chapter of your life with her.

Yes, she's dying. But that doesn't mean she's not still living.

AddieCake

You say you consider her to be a dear friend. You invite her. 

Inkdancer

You shouldn't be sending invitations out so far in advance that you have no idea what state she'll be in at the time. (Of course things happen, but let's pretend that she's invincible and will live forever, k?) If you are really concerned that an invitation will be taken badly if she can't attend, re-evaluate closer to the time that you'd need to send them.

But no matter whether she is hospital bound or happily able to attend, sending her an invitation shows her that you want her to be a part of the important things in your life. I think you should send it.

emmyg65

Definitely send the invitation. She can make the decision whether to come if she's well enough, and it'll be good for her to know you love her. Frankly, I'm not even sure why this is a question.

kitsunegari89

INVITE HER. She is your friend, and will be happy for you. My grandmother was very old and ill and died very suddenly right after my shower, but she still kept that invitation on her fridge and was very excited about the wedding. Even if she does not make it, these things give people hope.

I have also had the honor of being friends with a terminally ill person as a child, and the things they value the most are the little everyday things we take for granted. They don't want people to treat them like they are already dead. They want to live for the time they still have, and that would mean getting an invitation in the mail and putting it on the fridge. If she does not live to see the wedding, she will be there in spirit.

cruffino

If she would have been invited if she wasn't sick, then she should be invited though she is sick. Sorry you're going through this.

lebeers

I honestly thought that withholding an invitation (STD actually, to clarify) was out of the question, but some of my friends and family thought that inviting her would be inappropriate. Perhaps they felt that way because she is already so ill that if the wedding was today she would not be able to make it, or because she would have to travel and stay in the area.
A friend told me that she has accepted and come to terms with the end of her life and inviting her will remind her of "the life she will miss". I think his intentions were completely pure, and he is right that she is very honest and matter-of-fact about facing death (she's not really taking the I'm a fighter and dammit, I'll still be here in six months! approach). But I don't think that her saying, "I am okay with the fact that I will die soon" means that I should say, "Well then I won't bother inviting you to my wedding".
This seems like a really stupid and terrible question to ask now that I look back at my 1-AM-wine-glass-in-hand post. Thanks for stating what should have been obvious to me even then, ladies.

mrshutzler said:

They don't want people to treat them like they are already dead. They want to live for the time they still have, and that would mean getting an invitation in the mail and putting it on the fridge. If she does not live to see the wedding, she will be there in spirit.

This. So right.

SP29

I am sorry to hear about your friend. I think it is hard with delicate matters such as this when you have someone else plant the seed that something you are doing may be offensive, because that is the last thing you'd ever want to do.

But as all the above say- yes, invite her. Invite her because she is special to you. It is up to her to make the decision on whether she will come or not (and maybe she will come to a small portion), but I would assume she would like to enjoy her time with people who are special to her as well.

DH's grandmother was terminally ill when our wedding came around. DH's mother and brother brought her to the ceremony via wheelchair. She stayed for the ceremony, we were able to take some photos with her, and she stayed for dinner before BIL took her back to the hospice where she was living at the time. She passed away about 3 weeks later. It was nice to have her there and we know she wanted to be there. 

indianaalum

Send one. It gives hope, and even possibly something to fight for.

Cancer is a nast, unpredictable disease. I have personally met people who have beat odds. send the invite

blabla89

I'm so sorry about your friend. Here are my thoughts, based on losing my mom to cancer.

First of all, I think the last person someone with terminal cancer wants is to have people tiptoe around them. Don't get me wrong, it is very kind of you to consider her feelings, but I think your friend may just want to be treated normally. She would want to know that she is important to you, and that you would like her to be there. And this doesn't just apply to the wedding - there may be times when she just wants to visit and not talk about the cancer, and it's important to respect that and take the cues from her.

For my mom, looking forward to things gave her something to hope for, to fight for. Even when she could barely walk and was always exhausted she loved going out and seeing people. I'm sure she will be happy to receive the invitation. I would just send it and not bring up the subject of whether she will be there.

phira

Cancer SUCKS. I'm really sorry that your family friend is terminally ill

I agree with previous posters. She's a dear friend, and if she weren't dying, you'd invite her, so not inviting her would basically be saying, "WELP you'll probably be dead, so see ya later."

You're not rubbing anything in her face, and I don't think she'll see it that way.

CMGragain

I was in chemo for a year with advanced breast cancer.  I'm still here.  I would have loved to get a wedding invitation from a friend, even though I was bald, frail, and could barely see.  It would have brightened my day.  Back then I wasn't sure I was going to make it.  Send the invitation!

jdluvr06

I'm sorry about your friend. Invite her.

mlg78

Definitely invite her. And while I'm at it, I work closely with the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network (www.pancan.org) ...make sure she and her family are hooked up with them. They have the PALS program (patient & liaison services) so she can have a "buddy" with her who has been down this path along with someone to lend a ear to all of her caregivers. Feel free to PM me if you have questions about this organization. I've volunteered with them for more than 10 years. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer.

CMGragain

@mlg78   Me, too.  He was 44.

lebeers

@mlg78 @cmgragain, thank you so much for the support and I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. I started typing something more meaningful and personal in response but remembered this is a [wedding] message board, so I'll leave it at that for now.

mlg78 said:

Definitely invite her. And while I'm at it, I work closely with the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network (www.pancan.org) ...make sure she and her family are hooked up with them. They have the PALS program (patient & liaison services) so she can have a "buddy" with her who has been down this path along with someone to lend a ear to all of her caregivers. Feel free to PM me if you have questions about this organization. I've volunteered with them for more than 10 years. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer.

Thank you. I will definitely explore PALS. As I said, my friend has resigned herself to her "fate", and while I want to be happy that she is at peace with her diagnosis and don't want to challenge her about her mindset, I would really like to feel that she sees some hope for making it to the summer, to next year, to years to come. Even if it doesn't happen, and even if she says she is ready to die, I don't want her to resign herself to her immediate doom when she is such an amazing woman that has so much to live for. I don't believe she has connected with anyone who has endured PC, and she does not have a husband or children, so I think it would help her a great deal to reach out to a kindred spirit.
Terribly understated, pancreatic cancer is a bitch of a diagnosis. Not that there is a "good" cancer to have--CMG, you know that well--but PC is talked about like the hopeless diagnosis that she shouldn't bother fighting. I think that is why my friends and family have assumed that it's insensitive to invite her.

Blergbot

Those people are wrong. Definitely send it--hell, even hand-deliver it if you can! It's also a great thing that she's accepted things, but that doesn't mean the timeline they've given her is accurate. It's just a prediction--one based on certain measured factors--but still, it's their best guess. I know several people who have lived far longer than expected, and others where it's been pretty accurate. Anyway, my point is that you never know, and she could be around for your wedding after all.

CMGragain

lebeers said:

@mlg78 @cmgragain, thank you so much for the support and I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. I started typing something more meaningful and personal in response but remembered this is a [wedding] message board, so I'll leave it at that for now.

mlg78 said:

Definitely invite her. And while I'm at it, I work closely with the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network (www.pancan.org) ...make sure she and her family are hooked up with them. They have the PALS program (patient & liaison services) so she can have a "buddy" with her who has been down this path along with someone to lend a ear to all of her caregivers. Feel free to PM me if you have questions about this organization. I've volunteered with them for more than 10 years. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer.

Thank you. I will definitely explore PALS. As I said, my friend has resigned herself to her "fate", and while I want to be happy that she is at peace with her diagnosis and don't want to challenge her about her mindset, I would really like to feel that she sees some hope for making it to the summer, to next year, to years to come. Even if it doesn't happen, and even if she says she is ready to die, I don't want her to resign herself to her immediate doom when she is such an amazing woman that has so much to live for. I don't believe she has connected with anyone who has endured PC, and she does not have a husband or children, so I think it would help her a great deal to reach out to a kindred spirit.
Terribly understated, pancreatic cancer is a bitch of a diagnosis. Not that there is a "good" cancer to have--CMG, you know that well--but PC is talked about like the hopeless diagnosis that she shouldn't bother fighting. I think that is why my friends and family have assumed that it's insensitive to invite her.

I am ready to die.  Facing death changes the way you view it.
Do I want to die?  No.
Do I have more I want to do with my life?  Yes
Do I hope I live another 10 years?  Of course I do!
However, if my next examination finds the cancer has returned, I can accept it.  I am a Christian.  That makes a great deal of difference.  I wasn't always one.
Your friend needs to live the life God has granted to her, day by day.  Each morning she wakes up is a blessing.  Freedom from pain is a blessing.  Friends who care about her is a blessing.  In my case, having a loving husband, grown children and a grandson is a blessing.
Attending your wedding would also be a blessing, OP. 
God works in mysterious ways.  After moving so unexpectedly to Iowa, I met my husband about four months later.  We were in high school together, but we didn't think of marriage until much later.  My own father's death was a tragedy, but out of that came my marriage, my children, my grandson.  Dad died in 1966, and Mom died in October, and was buried beside him in the cemetary in rural Iowa.  She was 89, and not an easy person.
I have been greatly blessed.  I hope your friend thinks that she has been blessed, too.
The worst thing about being terminally ill is that nobody wants to talk about it.

mlg78

lebeers said:

@mlg78 @cmgragain, thank you so much for the support and I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. I started typing something more meaningful and personal in response but remembered this is a [wedding] message board, so I'll leave it at that for now.

mlg78 said:

Definitely invite her. And while I'm at it, I work closely with the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network (www.pancan.org) ...make sure she and her family are hooked up with them. They have the PALS program (patient & liaison services) so she can have a "buddy" with her who has been down this path along with someone to lend a ear to all of her caregivers. Feel free to PM me if you have questions about this organization. I've volunteered with them for more than 10 years. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer.

Thank you. I will definitely explore PALS. As I said, my friend has resigned herself to her "fate", and while I want to be happy that she is at peace with her diagnosis and don't want to challenge her about her mindset, I would really like to feel that she sees some hope for making it to the summer, to next year, to years to come. Even if it doesn't happen, and even if she says she is ready to die, I don't want her to resign herself to her immediate doom when she is such an amazing woman that has so much to live for. I don't believe she has connected with anyone who has endured PC, and she does not have a husband or children, so I think it would help her a great deal to reach out to a kindred spirit.
Terribly understated, pancreatic cancer is a bitch of a diagnosis. Not that there is a "good" cancer to have--CMG, you know that well--but PC is talked about like the hopeless diagnosis that she shouldn't bother fighting. I think that is why my friends and family have assumed that it's insensitive to invite her.

The folks at PanCAN and their fabulous volunteers across the nation have found a way to walk the fine line when working with a pancreatic cancer survivor... And they don't care if you've lived with it one day or ten years -- you're surviving and that's all that matters. They acknowledge the grim statistics but still find a way to give hope. For me, when I'm talking to a survivor or a family member I say, "I'm here for my dad" and not "My dad died of pancreatic cancer". That part is irrelevant in that moment. There are more than 70 affiliates across the nation as well that friends and family may be able to get involved in as well.

Jen4948

Send her the invitation.  If you would have invited her when she was healthy, then treat her the same way now.  If she can't come, you already understand why, but hopefully you will have given her a little happiness in her final days by letting her know that you would have appreciated her being there if she could be.