Do we invite aunts and uncles we never see?

[Deleted User]

My fiancé's parents are divorced. We see FI's dad and his wife once a year. We are in regular contact with FI's mom and have seen his aunts, uncles and cousins on her side several times in the past few years. His father has one brother living several hours away, and one out of the country. The last time we saw the local uncle and aunt was 4 or 5 years ago. FI could not remember the last time before then he saw his aunt and uncle. FI has two cousins, both of whom were married since the the last time we all met (we were not invited). We are inviting his mom's side (although many live far away and can't come), but don't know how to go about inviting his father's side. For my part, I have a huge family with 20+ cousins, so we will be inviting my aunts and uncles on both sides, and the two cousins from my dad's side (who are in their teens living at home still). We wanted a smallish wedding around 60 guests. Question 1: do we invite FI's dad's two siblings with their spouses (local and out of country)? My tentative thought is yes. Let them decide if it will be all sorts of awkward. Question 2: do we invite FI's dad's side's cousins? My tentative thought: we have no real connection with these relatives, we were not parts of their marriages, and we are cutting one side of my cousins (who I see regularly but are too numerous), so no.

kitsunegari89

My wedding is the first in a very very long time, so we did invite the whole extended family and mine is a doozy. Most of these people I haven't seen in a very long time, though we do all still send Christmas cards, so they're not strangers or anything. Anyways, my wedding is a two parts wedding, and one part family reunion, and I'm fine with that. That said, if you're having to make cuts, I'd make it to people you never see as opposed to your cousins that you are regularly in contact with. I'm happy we can swing for a larger wedding, but if we couldn't, all the second cousins and people I barely know would be the first to go. I guess it's ultimately up to you!

hyechica81

i have 25 first cousins i am close with and see on a regular basis even though some of them are all scatterd around the world they are still coming to my wedding, i have such a huge family i had to make cuts for distant relatives i have not see in years

i would not cut your cousins i would cut those you hardly see

[Deleted User]

There are only a handful of people we hardly see, so cutting them unfortunately won't make a big enough difference to our guest list count. While I see those cousins regularly, we are not close. Many have been rude in the past, drink too much at family reunions, and create chaos and fights with other family members. Putting the line at only aunts and uncles, in addition to the two cousins who still live at home is much clearer than deciding how to invite cousins on that side. I suppose there really is a simple answer to my main questions: invite FI's aunts and uncles but no cousins, just like I've done with one of my sides. Thanks for the input!

kitsunegari89

gitane16 said:

There are only a handful of people we hardly see, so cutting them unfortunately won't make a big enough difference to our guest list count. While I see those cousins regularly, we are not close. Many have been rude in the past, drink too much at family reunions, and create chaos and fights with other family members. Putting the line at only aunts and uncles, in addition to the two cousins who still live at home is much clearer than deciding how to invite cousins on that side. I suppose there really is a simple answer to my main questions: invite FI's aunts and uncles but no cousins, just like I've done with one of my sides. Thanks for the input!

Well if you're not close and you don't like them, don't invite them! That changes things! I figured if you saw them regularly, that meant you liked them. My bad!

Sugargirl1019

Only invite who you want at your wedding!

Family drama over "you didn't invite so-and-so??" will have to be dealt with one way or another.. you either care about that or not. You don't want them to feel left out if all the family comes back and talks about the wedding they weren't invited to. BUT, it's your wedding and you invite only those you want there. People need to respect that

HisGirlFriday13

I wouldn't invite people you don't regularly see and aren't close to. Just because you're inviting cousins from one side doesn't mean you have to invite cousins from both sides.

cruffino

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I wouldn't invite people you don't regularly see and aren't close to. Just because you're inviting cousins from one side doesn't mean you have to invite cousins from both sides.

Agree. I don't think weddings are an occasion to build relationships, they're to celebrate relationships you already have. And I think it comes across gift grabby to invite people you haven't seen or talked to in years.

zizibet

Although, how will your FI's dad take it? Would this cause WWIII if his mom's family is invited but his isn't? Is he remarried? Will there be people he can talk to at the wedding?I'd go ahead and invite the uncles/aunts, but would probably skip the cousins?

SP29

Generally I say that you should invite people whom you want to share your marriage with- those who are near and dear to you. I agree with cruffino, weddings are to celebrate the relationships you already have, celebrate the people who support you and your FI. If you haven't seen someone in many years, you do not feel obligated to invite them (well, you shouldn't feel obligated to invite anyone, unless it is a guest's SO). Likewise, just because you invite one cousin, doesn't mean you have to invite another.

However, I can understand that FI's Dad may have some hurt feelings if a bunch of family other than his is invited- though hopefully he will understand the reason why. Have you talked to him about it at all? If you are worried about this your FI could ask his dad if there is anyone in particular that he would like to see invited to the wedding. If so, tell him to send you a list by X date, and that you will take the guests into consideration but FI and you make the final decision and everyone on the list may not get invited. Thus you can choose to invite some people FI's dad will know, but don't need to feel burdened if he gives you a list of 20+ people. 

phira

Invite the people you want to invite. This isn't a state dinner or something where you have to invite people to be polite. Invite the family members you want to share your day with.

I would avoid things like inviting some maternal cousins but not all maternal cousins, stuff like that, but you can invite maternal cousins and not paternal cousins, for example.

AddieCake

We didn't invite anyone we never see or talk to.

CMGragain

There are no rules about inviting people to your wedding.  No one has a right to an invitation.  (Well, maybe if they are paying for your wedding, it would be nice to invite them!)
This is about family dynamics.  Would Aunt and Uncle be upset that they got a wedding announcement instead of an invitation?  Would it cause family drama if they weren't invited?  You and your FI know the answer to this better than we do.