Moms and Maids

Advice please! MOG and interfaith issues...

So I need a little advice on how to handle an ongoing situation. My FI is "Catholic", I put air quotes because he is not practicing and doesn't even know what he believes as of right now and I am nondenominational Christian. This is a not problem for us for wedding purposes. My grandfather is a preacher and since I was able to know that he go preside over my wedding I have always dreamed he would. I expressed my want for this to my FI and he said whatever would make me happy etc etc. I have never hidden that I am not Catholic to his family and this shouldn't have been a surprise but when we told his family our plans his mother made this huge deal about how we needed to have a priest and it would make "the family" very upset. I stood my ground and it seemed she got over it until she came to visit and the subject came up again with the same results. I talk to the FI about it and asked him to talk to her because this wasn't a conversation I want to have every time the wedding is brought up but he never did. How should I handle this because I am certain it's going to come up again? It's non-negotiable at this point and I don't want to be rude or mean because she's going to be around for a long time.

Also a little gem about this woman - I stayed over at their house when we visited them and when I came back from taking a shower she had left a book about the Virgin Mary and another one on converting to Catholicism on my pillow....

Please help! Thanks!

Re: Advice please! MOG and interfaith issues...

  • Your FI needs to deal with this.  It's his mother, therefore he needs to be in charge of communicating with her.  It's probably going to be hard for her to accept that her son's religious beliefs are not the same as her own/how she thinks she raised him.
    MairePoppydoeydo
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I agree with the PP: Let your FI handle it.  He needs to make clear to her that her pushing her faith on you is crossing your boundaries and it is not to happen again. 

    It also sounds like anything you directly say to this woman will go over her head, because she's too steeped and invested in her own religious views.  With people like that, defending yourself never works.  Just have your FI make clear that the subject is closed.
    doeydo
  • Yep, your FI needs to have a private conversation with his mother establishing the boundaries: you two aren't having a Catholic ceremony, you're not Catholic, and any conversion talk is off limits. If she brings it up in the future, say, "Jane, I've already explained that my grandfather is marrying us. This isn't up for discussion. How about this crazy winter weather?" 

    If changing the subject doesn't do it, you might have to leave the room, go home, hang up, whatever. Hold the line on those boundaries, and make sure your FI has your back.
    doeydo
  • I say this as a Catholic -- if your FI isn't currently a member of a parish in good standing, no priest will marry him anyway.

    In order to have the Rite of Marriage at least one of the participants needs to be a practising Catholic in good standing. You both would have to go through pre-Cana (the Catholic form of marriage prep) and you (collective you) would have to agree to raise the kids Catholic. 

    For him, that means making sure they make their sacraments (Baptism, First Reconciliation,First Holy Communion, Confirmation). For you, that means agreeing not to interfere with his doing so, and to support him in doing so.

    Your FMIL is probably thinking that if you get married outside the Church, your FI will be out of Communion, meaning he can't receive the sacraments, which is a Very Big Deal to Catholics. 

    But it is a decision you and he have to make together (and it appears that you have). It is absolutely none of his mother's business. 

    What concerns me is this: 
    I stood my ground and it seemed she got over it until she came to visit and the subject came up again with the same results. I talk to the FI about it and asked him to talk to her because this wasn't a conversation I want to have every time the wedding is brought up but he never did. How should I handle this because I am certain it's going to come up again? 
    If that's the case, you have a FI problem, not a FMIL problem. If your FI won't stand up to his mother and have your back now, you have bigger issues to worry about. You need to explain to him that this is a problem for you, which means it's a problem for him, too, and he needs to deal with it. And by 'deal with it,' I mean, 'talk to his mother and tell her the subject is closed and she needs to STFU about it.'
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    MairePoppydoeydocruffino
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So I need a little advice on how to handle an ongoing situation. My FI is "Catholic", I put air quotes because he is not practicing and doesn't even know what he believes as of right now and I am nondenominational Christian. This is a not problem for us for wedding purposes. My grandfather is a preacher and since I was able to know that he go preside over my wedding I have always dreamed he would. I expressed my want for this to my FI and he said whatever would make me happy etc etc. I have never hidden that I am not Catholic to his family and this shouldn't have been a surprise but when we told his family our plans his mother made this huge deal about how we needed to have a priest and it would make "the family" very upset. I stood my ground and it seemed she got over it until she came to visit and the subject came up again with the same results. I talk to the FI about it and asked him to talk to her because this wasn't a conversation I want to have every time the wedding is brought up but he never did. How should I handle this because I am certain it's going to come up again? It's non-negotiable at this point and I don't want to be rude or mean because she's going to be around for a long time.

    Also a little gem about this woman - I stayed over at their house when we visited them and when I came back from taking a shower she had left a book about the Virgin Mary and another one on converting to Catholicism on my pillow....

    Please help! Thanks!

    Ditto Hisgirl.  You currently have a FI problem.  HE needs to stand up for you to his mother.  Your FI has made a decision to marry outside of the Church and FMIL is taking that out on you.  Your FI needs to have this talk with his mother ASAP.  If he won't, where else in your life won't he tell his mom to butt out?  When FMIL insists on being in the delivery room, will your FI cave then too?  What about on how you make financial decisions? 

    I also think that it is perfectly acceptable to tell FMIL, if she brings it up again.  That you and FI have discussed your wedding and the plans are now set.  That if she has a problem with it, to bring it up with your FI.  Also, if she leaves anything on your bedside again, give it back to her saying "You are not interested."

    HisGirlFriday13MairePoppydoeydo
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