MOH Backed out 7 Weeks before

clk72089

This is my first post, so hello everyone!

A little back story on my situation -- my mother and my future mother-in-law haven't gotten along much since my fi and I got engaged (it's been a battle of power and control). My mother-in-law as well as my sister-in-law live in Georgia, while we live in PA with the rest of our families. We've been engaged for 20 months, and I asked my sister-in-law to be my MOH about 19 months ago. At first, she started off really excited and said all of these different things that she planned to do for me. But for the last 6-8 months, she's hardly spoken to me, hasn't asked anything about wedding planning, or offered to do anything from down there.

Three weeks before my bridal shower, she comes up for my bachelorette weekend and doesn't room with me. Again, there's NO mention of my wedding or my shower at all during the entire weekend. As she's walking out the door to leave that Sunday, she tells me she won't be at my bridal shower.  My bridal shower is this Saturday, and my mother-in-law also let me know that she would not be attending.

My bridal party is small -- 2 girls, 2 guys on each side. So, when my MOH started to not really fulfill the MOH duties, I made her my "matron" of honor (since she's married) and my other girl maid of honor (since she is not married). This way, they were equal. My new MOH has done PLENTY for me and will be fulfilling both roles at my shower... So it just seemed fair to me.

Anyway, my old MOH  (sister-in-law) got upset, wouldn't respond to my texts, and instead ran to my fi to tattle on me, causing a 2 week long argumentbetween my fi and I, meanwhile she has nothing to deal with. On Saturday (7 weeks before my wedding), she drops out.

Would you be angry at her?

AddieCake

No, I'd be angry with YOU. You made her feel like she was demoted.

jerkyanne

Also you made her deal with your wedding for 19 months. Id be sick of your wedding too.

OliveOilsMom

If you had made both your girls as MOHs to start, then you would not be in the trouble you are right now. You put entirely too many expectations on your MOH. She only needs to show up at the wedding in the selected dress. Also, your FSIL lives in another state. You are lucky she was able to come to any of the pre-wedding parties! Many times OOT WP members can only make the wedding! You should apologize to your FSIL for hurting her feelings. Tell her you went bride crazy and you are sorry. I'm not surprised she dropped out.

MairePoppy

MOH title is * NOT awarded to the person who does the most for you. 

Did you argue with FSIL during your bp weekend? It seems strange that she would travel from GA to PA just to avoid you and announce that she wouldn't be back for your shower.

ETA correction - Thanks @Viczaesar

Viczaesar

MairePoppy said:

MOH title is awarded to the person who does the most for you. 

Did you argue with FSIL during your bp weekend? It seems strange that she would travel from GA to PA just to avoid you and announce that she wouldn't be back for your shower.

You mean not awarded?

climbingsingle

You're the one in the wrong here. Your MOH is not required to do anything for you. She's not required to throw you any parties. All she needs to do is show up the day of the wedding in the attire you picked out. 

I'd probably be angry with you too. And since this is your FI's sister, you should really be trying to repair this relationship. 

OBX2011

clk72089 said:

This is my first post, so hello everyone!

A little back story on my situation -- my mother and my future mother-in-law haven't gotten along much since my fi and I got engaged (it's been a battle of power and control). My mother-in-law as well as my sister-in-law live in Georgia, while we live in PA with the rest of our families. We've been engaged for 20 months, and I asked my sister-in-law to be my MOH about 19 months ago. At first, she started off really excited and said all of these different things that she planned to do for me. But for the last 6-8 months, she's hardly spoken to me, hasn't asked anything about wedding planning, or offered to do anything from down there.

Three weeks before my bridal shower, she comes up for my bachelorette weekend and doesn't room with me. Again, there's NO mention of my wedding or my shower at all during the entire weekend. As she's walking out the door to leave that Sunday, she tells me she won't be at my bridal shower.  My bridal shower is this Saturday, and my mother-in-law also let me know that she would not be attending.

My bridal party is small -- 2 girls, 2 guys on each side. So, when my MOH started to not really fulfill the MOH duties, I made her my "matron" of honor (since she's married) and my other girl maid of honor (since she is not married). This way, they were equal. My new MOH has done PLENTY for me and will be fulfilling both roles at my shower... So it just seemed fair to me.

Anyway, my old MOH  (sister-in-law) got upset, wouldn't respond to my texts, and instead ran to my fi to tattle on me, causing a 2 week long argumentbetween my fi and I, meanwhile she has nothing to deal with. On Saturday (7 weeks before my wedding), she drops out.

Would you be angry at her?

1)  You asked your WP wayyyy to soon.  I would get tired of hearing about someone's wedding for a year and a half too

2)  She has ZERO....repeat ZERO duties to fulfill.  She buys her dress and witnesses your vows.  Absolutely nothing more unless she offers to help you out or offers to host a shower for you.  Again, neither of those are duties for her.

3)  No, I would be mad at YOU.  Based on your post, you didn't even speak to her about any of this.  You made a decision and demoted her without even considering her feelings.  No wonder she is upset and of course she went to your FI about this....it's her brothers wedding.  I would go to my brother first before I went to the bride.

So, based on all of this, you chose your MOH based on the amount of duties that she can fulfill which makes YOU 100% in the wrong.  

When will brides get it out of their heads that you chose your WP based on your friendships with them and the memories you share together....NOT how much they can do for you.

MyNameIsNot

Wait, someone traveled all the way from GA to PA for a b-party?  That's so far above and beyond it isn't even funny.

You assigned her some ridiculous duties, then demoted her because she's not going above and beyond enough, and you're shocked she dropped out?  

You are so wrong.  You need to do damage control stat.  Your wedding is not supposed to be your opportunity to alienate your FI's family.  Your FI isn't going to stand for you ruining his relationship with his sister.