Passive Aggressive Frenemy

Angusaur

Yeah I said frenemy. My "best friend" since we were kids always has some passive aggressive bullshit to say to me and it's getting old. I moved from Baltimore MD to rural PA because frankly, Baltimore sucks (No offense MD residents). The crime rate is super high, the nice looking areas to live are few and far between, and the price of living is outrageous. To me, it was not worth the stress and struggle. So we moved to PA. We now live in a single family home for 1/2 the rent that we were paying for a 2 bedroom apartment. When we are ready to buy a home, the houses are about 1/3 the price. We've been able to afford a new car, started wedding planning, we have money in savings. For our family, it worked out a lot better.

And yet, there she is, with her comments. "Yeah I guess saving money is nice but I could never leave my hometown and live in boring ass PA"

"Yeah I guess MD is really overpriced... depends on if you pay the right amount of moneys or not. It is expensive, but not hard to survive and still be happy with extra spending money if you budget right."

Oh okay, please tell me more about budgeting when you live with your parents, don't have a car/car insurance, and don't pay any utilities or for food. She knows nothing about the real world. I could tell her all this, but instead I make a comment like well we are happy with our decision, which we are. But seriously, you'd think she'd be happy for me. Maybe she's jealous. I just want to throat punch her sometimes.

cruffino

why do you still talk to this person?

Angusaur said:

Yeah I said frenemy. My "best friend" since we were kids always has some passive aggressive bullshit to say to me and it's getting old. I moved from Baltimore MD to rural PA because frankly, Baltimore sucks (No offense MD residents). The crime rate is super high, the nice looking areas to live are few and far between, and the price of living is outrageous. To me, it was not worth the stress and struggle. So we moved to PA. We now live in a single family home for 1/2 the rent that we were paying for a 2 bedroom apartment. When we are ready to buy a home, the houses are about 1/3 the price. We've been able to afford a new car, started wedding planning, we have money in savings. For our family, it worked out a lot better.

And yet, there she is, with her comments. "Yeah I guess saving money is nice but I could never leave my hometown and live in boring ass PA"

"Yeah I guess MD is really overpriced... depends on if you pay the right amount of moneys or not. It is expensive, but not hard to survive and still be happy with extra spending money if you budget right."

Oh okay, please tell me more about budgeting when you live with your parents, don't have a car/car insurance, and don't pay any utilities or for food. She knows nothing about the real world. I could tell her all this, but instead I make a comment like well we are happy with our decision, which we are. But seriously, you'd think she'd be happy for me. Maybe she's jealous. I just want to throat punch her sometimes.

Emmy1493

Why are yall friends again? I only ask because it's not cool to consider someone your "Frenemy." 

I would really just ignore her, and move on. Sounds like you are on the way to better things.

AlexisA01

We all have that one friend. She should be happy for you but she might be mad you moved away. Either way, like you said, what does she know if she is living off of her parents financially. You found a wonderful neighborliness with more bang for your buck. You are happy and that is all that matters. My former college roommate made slick comments regarding me and our friends' financial life etc. She had no job, dad gave her an allowance and would always make comments about stuff. Never even knew how to pay her bills or taxes.

Emmy1493

Also to add, I used to have a friend like that in HS. Her shit got old. I was moving away and am sure she was probably a little upset. I don't talk her her now and my life is just fine.

Hope you get this worked out, GL!

Angusaur

Emmy1493 said:

Why are yall friends again? I only ask because it's not cool to consider someone your "Frenemy." 

I would really just ignore her, and move on. Sounds like you are on the way to better things.

I know it sounds stupid, but I consider her family more than a friend. We've been friends for the past 18 years. I think we've just had a boulder between us that continues to grow over the past 4 years because we're going two completely different directions in life. I think she resents that I took on the mom/wife (not yet, but even still) role and she's still into drinking, partying, and doesn't understand why I can't and don't want to do those things with her anymore. I still love her, she's like the sister I never had, but at this point we don't have much in common anymore. I don't agree with a lot of her life choices but I'm happy for her when she is happy, and realize it's not my life and not my place to criticize. I hope we can someday return to the point where we were happy best friends, so that's why I haven't written her off.

Emmy1493

Angusaur said:

Emmy1493 said:

Why are yall friends again? I only ask because it's not cool to consider someone your "Frenemy." 

I would really just ignore her, and move on. Sounds like you are on the way to better things.

I know it sounds stupid, but I consider her family more than a friend. We've been friends for the past 18 years. I think we've just had a boulder between us that continues to grow over the past 4 years because we're going two completely different directions in life. I think she resents that I took on the mom/wife (not yet, but even still) role and she's still into drinking, partying, and doesn't understand why I can't and don't want to do those things with her anymore. I still love her, she's like the sister I never had, but at this point we don't have much in common anymore. I don't agree with a lot of her life choices but I'm happy for her when she is happy, and realize it's not my life and not my place to criticize. I hope we can someday return to the point where we were happy best friends, so that's why I haven't written her off.

I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I have been there. I have a few friends who are/are not in the dating game and see me getting married and act different now. One of my friends is just like yours and that's why I do not hang out with her as much anymore. I have just realized that life will take you in more directions than you will ever know. You win some, you lose some. It hurts, but if she acts bitter towards you bettering your life, why the attitude/snarkiness? Even if she is like family, she should fully support you. I would consider having her over/call her about all of this. Nothing will work it's self out if she doesn't know the problem.  Best of luck to you!

wandajune6

Friends that are like family are hard to cut out. In my experience, she's trying to make you feel bad so that she feels better about her life decisions. Don't let it get to you.

zitiqueen

You say she's more family than friend. We often say here that shared DNA isn't a good reason to bend over and allow people treat you like crap. You don't even share DNA with her, yet you still allow her to treat you this way.

Just let the friendship run its natural course; stop trying to force it to stay alive in the hopes that someday you'll be BFFs again.

Angusaur

Oh, no worries. I knew people would ask why I still talk to her. Even FI asks me this question. It's just hard to let go of someone who's been in the majority of your life and you care for. I just had to vent because she pisses me off with her comments. I have avoided saying such to her because I really hate drama and arguing. I should probably stop being a doormat though and tell her the shut it.

Angusaur

zitiqueen said:

You say she's more family than friend. We often say here that shared DNA isn't a good reason to bend over and allow people treat you like crap. You don't even share DNA with her, yet you still allow her to treat you this way.

Just let the friendship run its natural course; stop trying to force it to stay alive in the hopes that someday you'll be BFFs again.

Good advice

pinkcow13

I'm sorry. It may be time to cut back from her for a bit. I think sometimes friendships go through different periods, and bumps along the way. My BFF and I have been best friends since we were 8, and we are both now 29. We went a really long time without speaking or hanging out in high school. We both took 2 different paths and were hanging out with different crowds, but eventually we got back together (for lack of a better term lol).

I do have a friend though, who is an overall negative person. She has been this way since we were young and I eventually just distanced myself from her. We still speak and hang out from time to time, but I no longer consider her a close friend. She used to make really snarky comments, and could never be happy for me - or anyone for that matter - unless she was happy in her personal life. Eventually I realized she was always bringing me down, so I knew I had to keep some distance.

jdluvr06

I'm sorry she is being like that. I agree with PPs that you might want to distance yourself for a bit

SBmini

I totally get where you are coming from because I've been there. I moved from California to Arizona for many of the same reasons you did. 

I posted a great article to Facebook from the LA Times about how the California dream is dead. It pointed out how more people are leaving the state than going to the state, and many of those who go to CA chasing their Hollywood visions end up going home because they can't afford the state. 

Of course, one of my friends, who is an engineer, probably making close to 100K a year and renting a studio apartment for $2,400 A MONTH had to comment. Sure, he does live a block from the beach but it is also in the FLIGHT PATH for LAX! He went on a tirade about how people who can't make it in California are just lazy and how you need to work for it and how worth it is. At first I was taken aback. This guy just called me lazy and unable to cut it! 

Well, he visited us in Phoenix some time after that. He stayed in our 2,400sq ft house with a mortgage that is a third of his rent. He traveled on our clean and congestion free freeways. He ate our awesome food. And he said, "You know what guys, I get it. I totally get why you moved here."

So at the end- the grass is always greener. I would have defended California until my last breath while I live there. As soon as I left I started bashing the state for all of its faults. But since she still lives in Baltimore, she doesn't get all that other places offer. I wouldn't necessarily hold that against her, it is totally normal to defend your home. She also may just be peeved that you left her for greener pastures. 

chibiyui

MD has plenty of boring spots in it too. PA is much bigger, and it's to be expected. And Philly is like, way cooler then Bmore. :P Yeah, I have to echo the comments of letting the friendship run its course. Don't ignore her, but don't go out of your way to stay in touch with her either.

thisismynickname2

Just going to chime in as I can probably identify more with the friend (but I'm not mean, I swear). When people start taking different paths, especially if one path is more society-blessed, the person on the road-less traveled can feel a bit threatened.

I live in Chicago and got engaged at 29 and fully intend to stay here. This is an abomination to most people. Living in Chicago is for the partiers and those who aren't ready to grow up, whereas marrying and living in the 'burbs and SETTLING is the proper thing to do.

My best friend and I get the, "So, when are you settling down already?" comments--- even though we have masters degrees, careers, volunteer, have mortgages, run distance races, etc.... Nope, not good enough!  None of that is "real responsibility" of having kids (got that one too).

So, from the other side of the fence, everyone makes the choices that are right for them, and those are often choices that are not identical to our friends'.  We all just need to refrain from judgment (which is hard!!) and focus on our commonalities.  

smalfrie19

SHIT! I KNOW Seattle has high COL..its ridiculous and a lot of times I am super jealous of other places..but I could never leave here because it has my family. But one of friends recently moved to AZ and I totally giver her kudos because I know it was better for her. 

I mean I love Seattle and no place else will ever cut if for me...and I am always happy to give people reason to live here, but I am not going to bash anyplace that someone lives. 

Angusaur

Thanks for all the input and opinions. I just want to point out that even though I am kind of dissing Baltimore in this thread, I never go out of my way to say anything negative to her. She's always bringing it up. She also makes rude comments about a lot of other aspects of my life as well (like my weight!) . I guess I just have to be the bigger person and walk away.

KytchynWitche

I've been through this sort of thing, and really, all you can do is let it go. I know it sucks to leave 18 years of friendship behind, but sticking around, putting up with her BS, and willing things to work out isn't doing you (or her) any favours. I can't remember who it was, but some very smart person once said that "you can love and support a person without loving and supporting their BS".

There are a lot of issues here, obviously. The clearest of which is that anyone who constantly puts you down is not your friend. Yes, friends are honest, but they also respect each other. Friends care, they don't judge. Sadly, by sticking around you're telling her that it's okay for her (or anyone) to treat you like that.

I've been pretty much exactly where your frenemy is now. I was a shitty, shitty friend to a girl I've been inseparable from since high school. At the time I was wrestling a whole herd of issues of my own. I know that it sounds counter-intuitive, but the best thing my friends could have done for me was pull away. When they did, I finally had no choice but to work through what I was dealing with and man the fuck up. Once I dealt with my inner demons, I was able to go back to my friends and, while we'll never be as close as we once were, the ones who are genuine friends will always be my friends.

grumbledore

Ack I have a friend like this from high school.  I don't really talk to her anymore because I find her personality really negative and toxic.

PolarBearFitz

Personally not a big fan of this whole 'frenemy' thing. Drop the negativity and leave the 'frenemies' for high schoolers.