UPDATE: Rude RSVP Fallout

Sharpschruter22

I am now married and am still dealing with the fallout from a rude RSVP.

Our wedding Response cards said (number) seats are reserved in your honor. I received this advice from this board that said this would be the way to go so no one writes in guests who were not invited (specifically children). It worked wonderfully and no one wrote in any additional people. My husband's cousin (in her 40's, we are in our late 20's) enclosed a note saying, "Dear Sharpie, Thank you for the invitation you sent to my husband and I. We will not be able to attend because we are a family of 5 and where our children aren't welcome, we are not welcome. We wish you well. Sincerely, Cousin. My MIL told her months before that children will not be invited so she knew this for a long time and it wasn't a surprise when she received the invitation. Regardless, she was all excited about coming and talked to my MIL about it several times before she received the invitation.

This cousin is known for her passive aggressive and dramatic behavior. When my husband (then fiancé) found out, he called her and told her she was rude to me and needed to apologize. It's our wedding and we aren't invited children because we have a strict limit on number of guests. Cousin pouted and a few days later emailed me an "apology" saying "it looks like we both got our feelings hurt." Yada yada. By this time we had received enough declines that we could invite her 3 children (even though I didn't want to reward her for making a stink and I thought it would be unfair to invite her kids and not others) however we told her this situation and if she wanted to come, they were all welcome. She still declined. She also went to the rest of her brothers and sisters and none of them came either as well as her mom, my MIL's sister didn't come because of this situation.

Now, it's 10 months after our wedding and I have yet to meet this cousin. My husband has limited time off, we live 5 hours apart , and when we visit his parents, we don't have time to drive an hour out of our way to go see cousins my husband doesn't care for. She is causing another stink saying to other members of the family that we are holding the whole situation against her and that's why we never visit.

My husbands grandmother died and I am finally meeting the extended family this weekend. Do I just ignore the bad feelings and pretend nothing happened? Have a talk with her? I don't know what to do.

UPDATE:

Thank you for your advice, ladies. We were late to the viewing because cousin's mom wanted all of the pallbearers to wear a sport coat that DH doesn't own. We looked for hours and found one for $200 and I said forget it. He ended up borrowing one to appease aunt and it was raining so the only thing the pallbearers did was carry the casket 15 feet to the car. I guess we should have left much much earlier. We had 2 hours set aside to shop and an hour to get ready so this really put a cramp in the schedule. Our fault, I'm just irritated.

Annnyway, there was five minutes left of the time the casket would be open to the family. I'm one of those people that needs to see the body. It's important to me that I see the body is just a shell and my loved one is no longer there. I hurried in to have a moment to say goodbye (I was very close to DH's gma.) No more than 10-20 seconds of alone time standing at the casket, my face is tears, cousin and aunt fly in like hawks to introduce themselves. Couldn't they have waited? It was really awkward cause I needed a moment and they didn't let me have it. I politely exchanged greetings and the director closed the casket.

I didn't speak to them again until the next day when we all went to cousin's mansion to visit with family. I gave cousin a hug and said I didn't feel like we got to have a proper greeting. She was friendly. Later, I gave little bitty mini wedding albums to them saying it was supposed to be in their Christmas cards, but we didn't get them back from our photog until January which is true. They were polite and pretended like nothing happened. Aunt even gave us a wedding gift and cousin said she hadn't bought it yet, but a gift from her is coming at some point.

So I guess all is fine and dandy? A family member told me the duo hates confrontation and would never speak to me about it, they just write aggressive letters. Interesting. I'm glad that's over.

hlvonb

Ignore it. A funeral / death of someone is NOT the time to discuss things like that. If you want to talk about it, do it at a later time and date

Sharpschruter22

It wouldn't be at the funeral. We are staying in town for a couple of days cause cousin wants to do a big get together the day after the funeral on top of the traditional meal afterwards. I don't intend on bringing it up, I just don't know what to do if she does.

gothic_fairy60

Another vote for ignore it. This is not the time and she is being childish. Just be nice, cause if you say a word about the situation or try to ignore her then she will use it to cause more drama.

QueerFemme

If she brings it up, just say "we are to honor grandma, I don't think we need to talk about this right now. Did you try the bean dip?"

classyduck

I would like to make one gentle observation:

By inviting her children after you knew you had room, you essentially b-listed them, which may have been a bit like salt on the wound.

Now, I would echo what PPs have said about ignoring it at the funeral, but I understand your concern is with the "para-funeral" events, that will probably be more social in nature. If it were me, I'd kill her with kindness... Without knowing just what she might say, it's hard to give examples. But, if she approaches you, just validate her feelings of ostracization, sympathize, and express your hope that you will have a chance to get to know her better now. Even if you think she is just doing this for drama, by "siding" with her, and acknowledging the "slight" you delt her (in her eyes), you will deflate her argument.

Maybe this is an unconventional approach. I was a crisis center volunteer, and we dealt with every crisis with empathy first.

Sharpschruter22

I'm afraid I could never pretend to be sorry for the situation. I did nothing wrong and even went out of my way to accommodate her after she threw a fit. The whole situation has practically split up the family because cousin keeps gossiping about it and assuming things without talking to me and clearing it up. My MIL's sister is still upset and doesn't speak to her because of it. I agree it's ridiculous. I just don't know how to stop it without lying or being fake.

I will do my best to kill her with kindness and bean dip. Thanks for the advice, ladies.

classyduck

Sharpschruter22 said:

I'm afraid I could never pretend to be sorry for the situation. I did nothing wrong and even went out of my way to accommodate her after she threw a fit. The whole situation has practically split up the family because cousin keeps gossiping about it and assuming things without talking to me and clearing it up. My MIL's sister is still upset and doesn't speak to her because of it. I agree it's ridiculous. I just don't know how to stop it without lying or being fake. I will do my best to kill her with kindness and bean dip. Thanks for the advice, ladies.

Indeed, I would never advise falseness. If you really can't find a point of empathy, then don't fake it.

It is a very difficult situation... best of luck!

AddieCake

I would ignore it. This woman is a bitch, Sharpie. Since you don't see her regularly, it's not like you have to make peace, and even if you did, you could just be cordial when necessary. 

I was in a similar situation when my grandfather died. A few months before my wedding, I cut my cousin and her family out of my life for good for appalling things they said to me before and after the wedding, and I was petrified of how I would be treated when I had to see them at the funeral since I would be going just with my father and brother and SIL since my husband was away for work.  We were cordial to each other at the funeral home, even somewhat friendly. Her husband, children, and I just ignored each other completely. We all went to a relative's home afterward and managed to avoid each other. 

Jen4948

I'd ignore it altogether.  She is being a tool, and giving this any attention also gives it undeserved dignity.  I think bean-dipping and killing with kindness is the best way to approach this.

HisGirlFriday13

Ignore it. If she brings it up, say, 'My wedding was months ago and we are here to remember grandma. Let's focus on the present, shall we?'

And honestly, if your husband's family is falling for her bullshit, shame on them.

You did nothing wrong.

APDSS22

I'd focus on ignoring her as PPs have said.  If she confronts you directly, deflect if possible and if she keeps pushing it say you're there to honor grandma and walk off.  I would say if some of the other relatives that declined to attend due to her pernicious lies are there, be sure to be seen as respectful of the grandmother and the family in general and do not start anything with the rabble-rouser.  Hopefully, with time they will be able to see who the real problem is.

wrigleyville

Let it go. I have relatives like this, and no matter how hard people try, those passive-aggressive relatives insist upon playing the victim card every chance they get. 

I wouldn't waste any more effort on it. Nothing you say is going to change her mind about how slighted she felt, and if she stops her nonsense and admits you were right, then she doesn't get to whine and play the victim anymore. You're just going to end up more hurt and frustrated.

You did nothing wrong.

huskypuppy14

I don't understand why you have to deal with this. This is your husband's cousin, let him deal with it if she brings it up. She's acting like a bitch and has to realize her children won't be invited everywhere.

classyduck

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Ignore it. If she brings it up, say, 'My wedding was months ago and we are here to remember grandma. Let's focus on the present, shall we?' And honestly, if your husband's family is falling for her bullshit, shame on them. You did nothing wrong.

This is perfect.

RebeccaB88

You didn't do anything wrong.  Cousin is acting entitled and has no right to be upset about what she's upset about.  She is the only one creating drama and dividing her family.  If anyone is going to deal with her, it should be your husband, and you should be in agreement on how. You can be above all that.  Let her handle the consequences of her actions.  

KittyKaty20

This sucks. She was rude to begin with. HOWEVER...

Your husband escalated the situation by calling her up after her passive-aggressive note. You certainly were within your rights to be upset and bitch about it you your friends, but had he not called and demanded an apology, you two could have held your heads high knowing the etiquette problem was all hers. His family might not have boycotted the wedding, because his cousin may have felt she "got one over" on you guys with her little note.

This is not to say that we should always tolerate the rudeness of others; in this instance, I would not have climbed the hill only to die upon it.

wrigleyville

There's some truth to that. If I'd gotten that response, I'd have rolled my eyes hard and then let it go.

When people send a note like that, they're obviously trying to stir up drama, so I don't reward them with a reaction. In fact, I get some glee from ignoring it because I know they're sitting there waiting for a response that they're never going to get.

lyndausvi

wrigleyville said:

There's some truth to that. If I'd gotten that response, I'd have rolled my eyes hard and then let it go.

When people send a note like that, they're obviously trying to stir up drama, so I don't reward them with a reaction. In fact, I get some glee from ignoring it because I know they're sitting there waiting for a response that they're never going to get.

That is the way I would have handled it also.

You didn't do anything wrong.  People like her thrive on drama.  Don't feed the drama.  Be polite if you have to spend time with her.  If she brings up the wedding ditto what Hisgirl said.

cruffino

Sounds like this cousin loves drama and participating in it will only fuel her fire. I agree with PP. Avoid, deflect, bean dip, and don't take the bait. Good luck.

hyechica81

she was rude and missed out on your wedding because she chose to be a snood and say if everyone cant go i wont go. weddings are a time for family and close friends to witness two people in love share in there special day. they are the ones who chose who to invite. not the guest. you would think she would want a  day or night away from the kids in an adult only zone where everyone is having a good time.

HaileyDancingbear

I vote ignore, but if you can manage it, killing with kindness can be used pretty diabolically.  When I deal with people who treat me poorly, I mostly ignore, but if I HAVE to be social with them, I am nothing but rainbows and cupcakes.  Super nice.  By doing that, either way I "Win."  

Either they feel bad about being mean to someone who is only being nice back, and quit being a jerk to me, or by continuing to be a jerk to me while I'm being nice, they make themselves look like a massive asshole and I end up getting the sympathy of everyone around-  My college roommates literally lost friends because of they way they treated me.  People saw how friggin nice I was to them all the time, and when they found out about how I was treated, they got really pissed at my roommates for it. 

Who knows, it could work for you too- all the people that sided with this passive aggressive cousin might change their mind after seeing how ridiculously nice you are to her.  If you argue back with this cousin etc. then that will only give this jerk more things to bitch and moan about.  And knowing passive aggressive people, if you REALLY want to piss this cousin off, giving her nothing new to bitch about will do it.  The "she's avoiding me" whining must be getting old, I'm willing to bet she'll be looking for some new material.  Give her nothing to whine about and she'll make herself look like shit.

yellowdaisies84

First I'm sorry you had to heal with this. Sounds like a pretty stressful situation and not a very nice thing to go through when you were excited to get your reply cards back.

My advice would definitely be to 'ignore it'- ie; I wouldn't bring it up to her. I wouldn't initiate a talk with her. I would try to not let it affect you and I would try to be nice to her if you speak with her. If she wants to talk to you about it I would hear her out and just try to be classy about it but you don't need to go into any detail at all. You can keep your responses really simple. You don't need the stress of the situation. Bottom line is, you are totally justified in not inviting her kids and there's nothing to feel bad about on your end- but she had/is having a negative reaction and taking it personally and if you try to remember that just because she is feeling negative about the situation doesn't mean that you necessarily have to. It might not seem easy, but you can be positive that this will all blow over and she'll come to understand your decision- or at least learn to live with it. The best way to diffuse it in my opinion would be for you to seem happy and comfortable to see her and everyone else. It might be acting at first but I believe that it would become true more quickly than if you let yourself appear unhappy or uncomfortable when you are around her. 

jneen101

Why do people feel that if they are invited somewhere, their children must also be invited?  Do they never go anywhere without their children?  That sounds fucking horrible.

yellowdaisies84

jneen101 said:

Why do people feel that if they are invited somewhere, their children must also be invited?  Do they never go anywhere without their children?  That sounds fucking horrible.

To each their own, but I definitely agree. I think that people who feel that way think of their family as a social unit and they would not, or maybe feel like they could not attend a wedding without their kids. This woman totally goes beyond that though. The Mom not only is going to RSVP no because her kids aren't invited (which is her choice) but she's also going to point out to the couple that it was in poor taste to not invite the kids. She doesn't realize that this is just her opinion. She believes it was wrong not to invite the kids and that it needs to be brought to the couple's attention. She believes that it is less important to protect the couple's feelings and more important to stand up for having her kids invited. She is that sure and passionate about the whole issue. It sounds like she thought that the couple would feel bad and realize that they had made a mistake and regret not inviting the kids. Like she wanted to teach them a lesson. She wanted them to feel like they were wrong and apologize to her. I think that is why she didn't come even when her kids were invited, which is what she had indicated as the reason she couldn't come. She just took the whole situation personally and sounds like she talked about it with other relatives. That kind of thinking ruins what could be really nice family relationships and I think it's a shame. Everyone needs to relax and not try to be in charge of everything other people do. Let people make their own choices whether you agree with them or not. You get to make yours, they get to make theirs. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Don't feel like you need to point out every time you think someone has made a mistake or when you know better. Everyone always thinks they're right but that's impossible so accept that sometimes YOU are the wrong one even when you don't realize it. So you have to let things go sometimes. I really don't like when people try to make others feel bad just to be right. It's not a nice way to live your life. I feel so bad for the OP.

MuppetOverlord

Another vote for ignoring it.  If she brings it up, don't bother to engage. It's not worth it

abbyj700

jneen101 said:

Why do people feel that if they are invited somewhere, their children must also be invited?  Do they never go anywhere without their children?  That sounds fucking horrible.

Completely agreed. Our friends and family have kids. They love them. We love them. They are all aware they are not invited to our wedding. They are already lining up baby sitters and looking forward to a night with just their spouses. They're not screaming "I can't wait to leave my kids at home" but they also are good with having a night for just them and to celebrate our marriage.

climbingsingle

Ignore it. Kill her with kindness. If she brings it up, I'd say what HGF suggested. 

She really sounds like a bitch. Wow. 

edandy

Ignore it and pretend nothing ever happened. You guys shouldn't even have called and demanded an apology. Never sink to someone else's level of rudeness. 

jneen101

yellowdaisies84 said:

jneen101 said:

Why do people feel that if they are invited somewhere, their children must also be invited?  Do they never go anywhere without their children?  That sounds fucking horrible.

To each their own, but I definitely agree. I think that people who feel that way think of their family as a social unit and they would not, or maybe feel like they could not attend a wedding without their kids.

What about any kind of adult party??  Do they not go to those?  (I'm just asking in general; I know you didn't say you personally feel this way).  Do they attend work social functions?  Christmas parties?  Dinners out with friends?  I just don't understand!

Sharpschruter22

Update in original post section.