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So tired of being asked about babies.

2

Re: So tired of being asked about babies.

  • I was so baby crazy before the wedding when getting pregnant was just a fun fantasy.  But now after the wedding when it is a real life, I could actually get knocked up right now, sort of thing I was suddenly all "OH GOD NO!!!"  It was like a switch got turned.  Now I'm actually a little nervous that I will never want a kid.  

    In my FIL's wedding toast he actually went into how he and MIL were so excited for us to have LOTS and LOTS of children.

    gulp.
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    mcgarci2
  • DF and I want more kids. Adoption again or biological, either way. I love being a Mom. I love Parenting That Heals, and I would love to be able to take after her family.

    But, seriously, I'm going Bad Horse if the following comments keep up

    - Get married now! You'll be too old otherwise.

    - If you get pregnant now, you'll be fine by your wedding.

    Really? Ick, no. I may happily enjoy premarital relations, but biological kids are after the wedding. At least in my world.

    But the "I will scream at you until you pee yourself in fear" comments -

    - Ugh, if you adopt, you can't bond to the kid. (Yeah, and some biological parents don't either)

    - You don't know what you get with adoption. (How is that different than biological children?)

    - How will you pass on your name? (Huh? I'm taking Mr AllOn's name, I won't pass my name with biological kids)

    - Your fiance can't pass on his name! (Oh fuck you! Sideways. With a very thorny rosebush. We're not into the blood status, sorry we outgrew that. DD has Mr AllOn's name now.)

    - How will your parents have grandchildren? (Rosebush again. Same way they've got them now.)

    - You need real children! (I'm surgically implanting that rosebush. Then I'm going to shove your head into the rosebush.)

    Argh! This is MY uterus. I don't want the government in it, nor do I want busybodies and nosy nasties in it. It's not about not wanting or wanting or adopting. It's about who has the right to control my uterus. The only person who has final say is me.
    Erinable
  • @ Cookie Pusher

    I’m really sorry to hear that about your mum. My mum has always said if she could have gone back in time, she wouldn’t have had me (I’m an only child), but she is very sweet and loving and caring.

    @ singinchick13

    I can maybe understand the flying thing, but dear god, the Netherlands is tiny. You can drive to Belgium or Germany in an hour. Not wanting to leave the country is (to translate it to the US) like you would never leave Maryland.  

    And to be frank, if you really want to play it safe, you should also not travel in your first 24 weeks either. What if you have a miscarriage? I presume you’d want to go to your own hospital then as well.

    It’s very well possible that I am totally overreacting, it’s just that I have very little tolerance for pregnancy related insanity.

    @ AllOnOneDay

    The comments you got about adoption reminded me of this: http://www.eyeopening.info/2014/02/26/horrible-things-said-daughters/#.UzEujqiSxe8
  • Yeah, we get similar bull. Granted, DD is my biological niece, but she's a medical special need kid. So the claims are she's an Eastern European adoption, send her back, etc...

    Bull. I've cheerfully gone off on bigots. She's SN because she was abused. Her miracle saving was her age - little older so full shaken baby damage didn't occur, but young enough her brain easily rewrites anything that was lost via traumatic brain injury. But, the damage is awful. She gets full on migraines. Usually just if she's hungry or tired, but it's not good. Now add in a taller family, so she's in 6 girls clothing, pants are almost a 7, she's 4 but mentally is still catching up so she's around 2 there. Ugh. I don't support the spread the word campaign as I've heard far too many people use homophobic remarks instead, but ask me if she's retarded, I'm just going to say "Compared to you, she's in MENSA."

    So, I'm not ruling out biological kids. But, I'm just as happy to adopt a special needs or at risk kid. If not more so. My religious views play in - I'm to care for orphans. How many children would love even a strange, silly family over nothing? My genes aren't great. As of now, we're leaning towards no birth control, see what happens and start working on adopting.
    RebeccaB88
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    IKR?  Just last week my fiance and I were hanging out with some friends and the one says to me "You need some of these to keep you company" (referring to his grandchild) and I'm just like "Uhm, I don't think so.  I'm good with just cats"  and then everyone is like "What?  You don't want kids?  Why not?"  and then one guy says "Oh, it'll change once you're married.  You'll convince him [my fiance] once you get married".  
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    jessirayhellohkbwrigleyville
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    grumbledore  Do you want a boy or a girl?  Any names in mind?  
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    grumbledore
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I've actually had someone say to me, "But don't you think you'll get lonely without a kid?" Uh, no. Between our jobs, our dog, our families and friends and traveling, I don't think we'll get lonely. 

    I just wish people would respect the fact that I don't want kids. I also get told that I'll change my mind, that I should do it anyway because I'd be a good mother. Even one of my best friends keeps trying to convince me. It's exhausting. 

    And just because I don't want my own children doesn't meant I hate kids! I love my friends' children. FI and I have actually noticed that once we tell people we don't want kids, they assume we hate children. We seriously got bumped out of a couple group because of it. Is that not ridiculous?! 

    hellohkb
  • jenna8984jenna8984 clam bakes & patriots member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    @grumbledore They probably assume that you would have had them already so they aren't very far apart in age. They probably think "oh that ship has sailed" even though that's clearly not the case! Good luck!!

    We really want kids, it is something very important to us. BUT we want to completely live our lives first and be in the best possible position financially, mentally. We are both 29 and people ask us all the time what we're waiting for. Well, gee, if you haven't noticed we are travelers. We take a domestic vacation and an international vacation each year and we'd like a few more years of that first. It annoys me that they know we love traveling but they don't ask us "So, where's your next trip?" That would be a much more appropriate question/ conversation starter. And then they say "well you can still bring kids on vacation". Yea, maybe camping an hour away- not on a $4,000 Machu Picchu hike or a $7,000 tour of Eastern Asia where we barely found stuff WE could eat.

                                                                     

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    jules3964
  • Yeah, I want kids at some point, but, like, not right now. I get tired of the expectation that I'm supposed to pop one out 9 months after the wedding. Also, I think it's terrible that people think you're insulting kids if you say you don't want to have kids. It's acceptable to not have kids. It doesn't mean you hate kids if you don't want to have them yourself. I like dogs, but I don't want to have a dog. I enjoy petting other people's dogs. Kids are not dogs, but yeah...
    My colors are "blood of my enemies" and "rage".

    http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3h1kr8sYk1qzve89.gif
  • I'm totally going to be an "old mom." I am 30 and the wedding is in a week and a half. I can't tell you how many times I've pulled the "we're not ready to openly discuss our plans to have children yet" card to shut them up. Thank God for our understanding and respecting parents. I have no problem saying this to people either because, as OP stated, the intimate detail of my reproductive system and the intended plans to use it are nobody's business.

    My own mom had us in her mid-thirties and she's always swore it was the best decision she made to wait. It gave her time to live and plan her life and she was able to enjoy us as babies.

  • PPDkilla said:

    I'm totally going to be an "old mom." I am 30 and the wedding is in a week and a half. I can't tell you how many times I've pulled the "we're not ready to openly discuss our plans to have children yet" card to shut them up. Thank God for our understanding and respecting parents. I have no problem saying this to people either because, as OP stated, the intimate detail of my reproductive system and the intended plans to use it are nobody's business.

    My own mom had us in her mid-thirties and she's always swore it was the best decision she made to wait. It gave her time to live and plan her life and she was able to enjoy us as babies.

    My parents were the same way. They got married at 22 and waited until 29 to have their first child. I was the last at 35. My MIL purposefully got pregnant (not married the first time and without the dad's input) at 19 and then 21. She constantly says she loves that she grew up with her kids and wonders why my mom wanted to be such an old mother. 

    But honestly - my mom never resented us. My parents got to love each other and grow and adventure - and not have to worry about getting home to the kids. I really appreciate that they did this. I'm 29 now and couldn't have imagined having kids at 22 and being a great mom! I'm sure I could have been - but who would want to???
    pinkshorts27
  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary

    FI and I definitely want kids. We've been together 6 years and I will be 24 (he will turn 24 1 month after) when we get married. We decided we wanted to be married at least one year before we started trying to have kids.

    With that being said, I went to a cousin's baby shower last summer and my mom kept saying how bad she wanted grandchildren, and looked at me. I just keep reminding her that my older brother has been married almost 9 years and will be 31 this year and he is the one she should talk to about htat. at the time I wasn't even engaged!

    And FMIL says something at least once a week about wanting grandchildren to spoil. Again, FI's older sister is getting married 2 months before us and is 3 years older but FMIL thinks we'll have kids first?

    Don't get me wrong, I want kids but I don't want to be rushed, dang. I think it is incredibly rude that people assume every woman wants kids and that something is wrong with you if you don't.


  • SmileDamnitSmileDamnit Mile High City member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Inkdancer said:
    This hurts my heart. I am tired of people asking for the opposite reason... we already know about our fertility issues and it's really none of anybody's business. Asking me "so when are you going to have kids" is like asking "so when are you going to get that miracle".

    But for you not to want kids... "I don't want them" is a good enough reason! I don't understand why people think that you owe it to your parents, or society, or anyone. You don't.
    My heart hurts for you, too, @Inkdancer. My best friend struggled with conceiving and it was so hard to watch her & her husband go through that. It's a huge fear of mine when we start trying after the wedding, too. 

    I have the opposite problem - I am literally counting the days to our wedding because we want to start trying literally right away (we just wanted to be married first for personal reasons) - like I think I might burst into tears on the day of just because of that.  My DD from my first marriage is turning 10 next month and for the past two years I've been dying to have more kids.  

    NO ONE EVER ASKS.  FI's family pesters his cousin who is super flaky and not even close to getting married and his GF all the time about kids (meanwhile they were literally living in his childhood bedroom until a few weeks ago) and they never ever ever ever ask us.

    It actually really bothers me, but it's hardly something I can complain about.
    I'm with you on this, @grumbledore! We are also counting the days until we can start trying. It's funny - I looooove kids, but never really felt the need to have my own....until I met FI. I think raising a family with him will be thee best experience ever. And we're older (me 36, him nearly 39), so I personally feel the "clock ticking", for lack of a better word. Surprisingly, I've actually not felt the outside pressure from folks.
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  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You know what the worst argument I think I've heard for having kids is? "Who will take care of you when you're old?" Like, seriously, I'm going to have a child I am not prepared to raise and that I don't particularly want so that I have a safety net for my octogenarian years? What if I did have a kid, said kid hated me, and when I got old, refused to care for me. That'd be an awful lot of trouble to go through for nothing. Considering how many elderly people live alone or in homes, the whole "your kids will care for your when you're old" thing is a load of BS.
    ~*~*~*~*~

    pinkshorts27
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You know what the worst argument I think I've heard for having kids is? "Who will take care of you when you're old?" Like, seriously, I'm going to have a child I am not prepared to raise and that I don't particularly want so that I have a safety net for my octogenarian years? What if I did have a kid, said kid hated me, and when I got old, refused to care for me. That'd be an awful lot of trouble to go through for nothing. Considering how many elderly people live alone or in homes, the whole "your kids will care for your when you're old" thing is a load of BS.
    Yes! I've heard this too. You know who will take care of me? The people I pay to. 

    doeydosarawifenowjules3964pinkshorts27
  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    FI and I want kids. I am 22 and he is 24, and we are waiting until we are in our early 30's. I know I would hate any children that came out of me right now. I need to stop being such a kid myself before i can have one! ;)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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  • FI and I do want kids, but now isn't the right time for us. My parents keep talking about making a speech at our wedding about how happy they are we are married and can't wait for grandkids. Every time they tell me this I tell them that I CAN NOT have kids right now because of lab stuff, but they don't listen. I am working on my PhD right now and some of the things I work with (chemicals, biological agents) aren't safe to work with if you're pregnant. Since I don't want to take over a year off from my PhD, we can't start trying until I'm done. At that point I will be 30-31 and FI 32-33, which we both think is a good age to start a family.

    Anniversary
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    This all sounds familiar.  I'm not sure I even ever want kids but since my grandmother heard I was dating someone seriously and he's a good Catholic boy (ie before she met my now-husband) she's been dropping the great-grandchildren hints.  I think it's because my other grandmother who is younger has them.  My older, married friend was talking to me when I was engaged about having kids and how she wants them.  I think I said something non-committal and she was all "you'll know what I'm talking about after you get married".  Married now for a little over 6 months, still not feeling the urge to pass on my genetic material.  Maybe someday in the future, but for now the dogs are enough of a handful.

  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    You know what the worst argument I think I've heard for having kids is? "Who will take care of you when you're old?" Like, seriously, I'm going to have a child I am not prepared to raise and that I don't particularly want so that I have a safety net for my octogenarian years? What if I did have a kid, said kid hated me, and when I got old, refused to care for me. That'd be an awful lot of trouble to go through for nothing. Considering how many elderly people live alone or in homes, the whole "your kids will care for your when you're old" thing is a load of BS.
    Yes!  I love my mom so much, but I could never be a caretaker for her if she was older and lost mobility and/or had dementia.  I doubt she would want me to, either.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I am visibly pregnant right now. And people take that as a sign to try and scare me with their horrible birthing/ parenting stories. One woman thought it would be helpful to tell me she had a c-section but the doctor didnt wait until she was totally numb. So she felt alot of the surgery. She just wanted me "to be prepared."

    There is no turning back now, so I dont get how these women think they are being helpful.

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I am visibly pregnant right now. And people take that as a sign to try and scare me with their horrible birthing/ parenting stories. One woman thought it would be helpful to tell me she had a c-section but the doctor didnt wait until she was totally numb. So she felt alot of the surgery. She just wanted me "to be prepared."

    There is no turning back now, so I dont get how these women think they are being helpful.

    Stuck in box. OMG! That's a terrible thing to tell a pregnant woman. WTF?


  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I am visibly pregnant right now. And people take that as a sign to try and scare me with their horrible birthing/ parenting stories. One woman thought it would be helpful to tell me she had a c-section but the doctor didnt wait until she was totally numb. So she felt alot of the surgery. She just wanted me "to be prepared."

    There is no turning back now, so I dont get how these women think they are being helpful.

    Stuck in box. OMG! That's a terrible thing to tell a pregnant woman. WTF?

    I have a million of them. "Your husband might stray if you pay more attention to the baby than him, just be prepared"

    "your body will never be the same, be prepared"

    "my epidural didnt work, be prepared."

    "i had fourth degree tearing (dont google it), just be prepared"

    "you might end up giving away your dog, be prepared"

    Like, telling me to be prepared makes what they are saying okay/ helpful. Umm no.

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    KatWAG said:

    I am visibly pregnant right now. And people take that as a sign to try and scare me with their horrible birthing/ parenting stories. One woman thought it would be helpful to tell me she had a c-section but the doctor didnt wait until she was totally numb. So she felt alot of the surgery. She just wanted me "to be prepared."

    There is no turning back now, so I dont get how these women think they are being helpful.

    Stuck in box. OMG! That's a terrible thing to tell a pregnant woman. WTF?

    I have a million of them. "Your husband might stray if you pay more attention to the baby than him, just be prepared"

    "your body will never be the same, be prepared"

    "my epidural didnt work, be prepared."

    "i had fourth degree tearing (dont google it), just be prepared"

    "you might end up giving away your dog, be prepared"

    Like, telling me to be prepared makes what they are saying okay/ helpful. Umm no.

    I would kick all of these people in the shins. 

  • I'm 27 and getting married this summer to FI who is 32. I've never never really wanted kids, but now that I've found someone I could see spending my life with, I'm open to the idea. HOWEVER, somehow the fact that I would consider having kids someday translated into IMMEDIATELY for my in-laws. How about I spend a few years traveling with and enjoying your son first?

    I am one of those who doesn't like other people's kids, not so much because of the kids, but because the parents lack any semblance of control. Generally after meeting people with kids, the friendships quickly die because they don't have time for themselves, much less time for a friend. Please explain why I would want that lifestyle? I don't believe it's healthy to completely give up one aspect of your life for another. It can't be healthy for a child either to believe that they are the King and should get whatever they want and as soon as they want it.

    It's particuarly annoying when you go to someone's house for dinner, but only exchange a couple of sentenses with the parents the entire night because their kids freak out if they don't get instant attention. My dad has two little kids with his second wife. I love them, but when I fly across the country to spend a week with my dad, I'm lucky if I have ONE conversation with him consisting of more than a few words because the kids are constantly demanding his and my attention and no one ever taught them to wait while other people are talking without having a meltdown. I halfway expect the kids to race to the dancefloor at my wedding to get in our our father-daughter dance. Hey, at least I know it's coming...

     

    FI and I are both reading "Bringing up Bebe" (good ol' NPR!) and starting to realize that children don't HAVE to be world revolving little terrors. In fact, it appears in most other countries they are not.

    Erinable
  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I present to you the most timely post I saw on my FB feed all day:

     

    http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/parenting-tips/woman-who-doesnt-want-kids?src=soc_fcbks

    ~*~*~*~*~

  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    lday998 said:

    I'm 27 and getting married this summer to FI who is 32. I've never never really wanted kids, but now that I've found someone I could see spending my life with, I'm open to the idea. HOWEVER, somehow the fact that I would consider having kids someday translated into IMMEDIATELY for my in-laws. How about I spend a few years traveling with and enjoying your son first?

    I am one of those who doesn't like other people's kids, not so much because of the kids, but because the parents lack any semblance of control. Generally after meeting people with kids, the friendships quickly die because they don't have time for themselves, much less time for a friend. Please explain why I would want that lifestyle? I don't believe it's healthy to completely give up one aspect of your life for another. It can't be healthy for a child either to believe that they are the King and should get whatever they want and as soon as they want it.

    It's particuarly annoying when you go to someone's house for dinner, but only exchange a couple of sentenses with the parents the entire night because their kids freak out if they don't get instant attention. My dad has two little kids with his second wife. I love them, but when I fly across the country to spend a week with my dad, I'm lucky if I have ONE conversation with him consisting of more than a few words because the kids are constantly demanding his and my attention and no one ever taught them to wait while other people are talking without having a meltdown. I halfway expect the kids to race to the dancefloor at my wedding to get in our our father-daughter dance. Hey, at least I know it's coming...

     

    FI and I are both reading "Bringing up Bebe" (good ol' NPR!) and starting to realize that children don't HAVE to be world revolving little terrors. In fact, it appears in most other countries they are not.

    @Iday998 I can't stand how people believe their children should always be at the center of their attention.

    This is a good read: http://themetzfamilyadventures.blogspot.com/2013/10/why-my-kids-are-not-center-of-my-world.html

  • Ah ha! I forgot about the "That's selfish" response.  Definitely have received that one. MIL said it jokingly, but it wasn't really a joke. Luckily, she's distracted by her first grandchild right now, so I hope to avoid more of them until after the wedding. Maybe by then we'l just move away...
  • jdluvr06
    image
    Thank you for the hug.
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