Yikes, how to best handle this ugly situation

phira

@mzbda If she IS invited, then she gets to attend with her significant other (not a random date/guest). But you're right--since she was only on the save-the-date in the first place because she was in a relationship with another guest, she doesn't have to be invited.

banana468

If the OP is close enough to her to still invite her on her own invitation then her SO needs to be included on said invitation. If not, then she says, "Now that you're no longer linked to your estranged husband you aren't on the guest list. However, she'll need to tap dance that number out since it sounds like she has already eluded to this friend getting invited.

crackktheskyy

I'm confused...what did she RSVP to? Did your invitations already go out? If they did, it sounds like you only invited her. Technically, you were not supposed to give her a guest; you were supposed to invite her SO by name. 

If she RSVPed that she is coming and bringing her BF and her 10 friends or whatever, you simply tell her that the invitation was only for her. 

I might add that if you aren't all that close to her and you know she's still dating the person she cheated on your FI's friend with and find it to be a bit...appalling, it might not have been wise to send her an invitation in the first place. 

It sounds like she isn't a very good friend to you, anyway. Perhaps she will be upset about the etiquette faux pas and will decide not to come because her SO was not invited. Maybe the problem will solve itself?

a13049

She rsvp'd on our website. We haven't even sent out invitations. Our website was included on the save the dates, mostly because it's a destination wedding and we wanted people to have hotel and other details as needed for to plan. We sent save the dates for 60 guests, only 4 have RSVP and 2 are my mom and dad because they are super cheesy and have written all over our "guest book" She told me on Facebook about bringing f and then later about the 10 extras. I don't really dislike the girl, and I'm usually not one to ruffle feathers. So I don't like being put in the middle of this situation. She kinda starting to get on my nerves though, and after the weddig it's unlikely we will hang out because she is no longer in our social circle and is not someone I have exchanged numbers with, hung out with outside of gatherings with her husband. I think, out of respect for FI friend, I'm going to have to go with not inviting her. She was only invited as the wife of his friend, if she wasn't his wife she would have never received a std

OliveOilsMom

Since you only have a FB relationship with her now, I would tell her asap about not being invited to the wedding.  You don't want her booking everything and still "coming along for the ride" even if she won't be specifically invited to your wedding events, she knows all the plans.

Sally, I know this isn't the place to tell you, but I don't have your phone number to call.  I'm sorry to tell you that you were only invited to the wedding as Jeff's wife.  Since you and Jeff are no longer together, I'm sorry to tell you that you will not be invited to the wedding.  I didn't want there to be any confusion, especially based on the other FB messages you sent me.  I wish you good things for the future.  a13049.

While it's rude to point out when people aren't invited to events, I don't know of any other way to tell this girl, since she has already RSVP'd and added 10 friends.  Also, if possible, lock down your wedding website so that only invited guests can view it.  Send a mass email to the group with the new password, etc.

Sars06

Question for those who are saying OP needs to invite the wife's new boyfriend - is that true even though it sounds like the couple is still married?

I'm not necessarily disagreeing, just curious how everyone would approach this.

RebeccaB88

I agree that OP is probably going to have to be really really blunt to get this through this woman's thick skull. In most circumstances, telling someone they are specifically not invited and why is rude, but in this instance, I think it's necessary. She will not get the hint otherwise, and she stands to lose a lot of money (not to mention face) by booking this trip if she can't attend.

banana468

Sars06 said:

Question for those who are saying OP needs to invite the wife's new boyfriend - is that true even though it sounds like the couple is still married?

I'm not necessarily disagreeing, just curious how everyone would approach this.

If she would have been on the guest list and they are separated and she's in a relationship now, yes. This assumes that HE is not married to someone else.

We have friends that are married and separated. They live in separate homes and have drawn up custody arrangements for their children. They aren't a social unit anymore even if their marriage hasn't been legally dissolved. Similarly, when a different mutual friend began divorce proceedings and then started seeing someone, we invited him and the GF over. They're a social unit now.

All bets are off if the couple hasn't separated.

Emmy1493

phira said:

@Erikan73 Not proper etiquette. Plenty of relationships start and end during the 6-12 months between save-the-dates and the wedding.

OP, again, not questioning whether or not she cheated. Trying to explain that whether or not you think she made a poor life choice is irrelevant.

I do agree with this. My MOH and FI's BM split up and she rebounded very quickly (kinda irrelevant, I know...) but I am inviting her new BF because he is actually a nice guy and I know it would make her happy. Even if BM was a little eh about it, he will have people to talk to like friends/family. We have extended a plus one for him too!

SP29

Agree- if she was invited as "Jeff's" wife, and she is no longer his wife, then she doesn't need to get an invite.

However, if you invite her as a guest, then her new bf needs to be invited as well. 

Be sure to clear this up soon though- don't let her make plans thinking she is still coming. Yes, not inviting her will end the friendship- but do you care? 

Her inviting 10 extra guests is ridiculous!

a13049

SP29 said:

Agree- if she was invited as "Jeff's" wife, and she is no longer his wife, then she doesn't need to get an invite.

However, if you invite her as a guest, then her new bf needs to be invited as well. 

Be sure to clear this up soon though- don't let her make plans thinking she is still coming. Yes, not inviting her will end the friendship- but do you care? 

Her inviting 10 extra guests is ridiculous!

After talking it over with Fi, we did decide that because she was "jeff's wife" and that was the reason her name was on the invitation, and she is no longer "jeff's wife" that she will not be invited to the wedding.  Unfortunately, I guess I stirred up more drama, when trying to contact her.  SMH

I asked a friend for her number, because I didn't have it.  I called her and she didnt answer, but I shortly after got this text.

Her- who is this, and why did you call me

Me-  Hey is A13049, I wanted to talk to you

Her- how did you get my number?  I am pretty sure I didn't give it to you, what it "jeff"

Me- No, I asked another friend, can I call you

Her- Well I don't want people to just hand out my personal information

Me- I understant that, and I am sorry.  Can I call you now

Her- NO!!!! What is it that you could possibly need to talk to me about?  If you are trying to get me and "jeff" back together, no! I am in love with another man

Me- Thats not it at all, your relationships are none of my business.  I'm going to call you

Doesn't answer

Her- quit calling me, I don't think we have anything to talk about

Me- OK, well Im sorry to do this over text, I'm sorry to tell you that you were only invited to the wedding as Jeff's wife. Since you and Jeff are no longer together, I'm sorry to tell you that you will not be invited to the wedding. I didn't want there to be any confusion, especially based on the other FB messages you sent me. I wish you good things for the future.

Her- Thats ok, I never really liked you.  Your very stuck up

I didn't reply.  I figured nothing I would say would fix the situation, and she may feel a little defensive about everything thats happened and us clearly being on "jeffs" side, as far as friendships go.  Thanks for you help.  I really hate being invovled in other peoples drama

Inkdancer

I wouldn't say a thing to her. It's done and you don't have to worry about it anymore.

banana468

Wash your hands of it. Not talking to her ever again and writing her or of your life is more than a fine option.

photokitty

a13049 said: After talking it over with Fi, we did decide that because she was "jeff's wife" and that was the reason her name was on the invitation, and she is no longer "jeff's wife" that she will not be invited to the wedding.  Unfortunately, I guess I stirred up more drama, when trying to contact her.  SMH I asked a friend for her number, because I didn't have it.  I called her and she didnt answer, but I shortly after got this text.

Her- who is this, and why did you call me Me-  Hey is A13049, I wanted to talk to you Her- how did you get my number?  I am pretty sure I didn't give it to you, what it "jeff" Me- No, I asked another friend, can I call you Her- Well I don't want people to just hand out my personal information Me- I understant that, and I am sorry.  Can I call you now Her- NO!!!! What is it that you could possibly need to talk to me about?  If you are trying to get me and "jeff" back together, no! I am in love with another man Me- Thats not it at all, your relationships are none of my business.  I'm going to call you Doesn't answer Her- quit calling me, I don't think we have anything to talk about Me- OK, well Im sorry to do this over text, I'm sorry to tell you that you were only invited to the wedding as Jeff's wife. Since you and Jeff are no longer together, I'm sorry to tell you that you will not be invited to the wedding. I didn't want there to be any confusion, especially based on the other FB messages you sent me. I wish you good things for the future. Her- Thats ok, I never really liked you.  Your very stuck up I didn't reply.  I figured nothing I would say would fix the situation, and she may feel a little defensive about everything thats happened and us clearly being on "jeffs" side, as far as friendships go.  Thanks for you help.  I really hate being invovled in other peoples drama
*******************************
Crazy chick - Hey I want to come to your wedding, bring my new man and 10 friends. You know them all so it's cool. BUT, I don't want you to have my phone number…bc we're not THAT close, KWIM?? Cool! PS, I never really liked you and was using you for the booze.

Classy. You dodge a bullet. Good for you cutting this one out of your life. Even better for Jeff, he's life no doubt has taken a wide turn for the better!!

eta stupid quote boxes!!

phira

GOOD NEWS you're done, reward yourself with alcohol, chocolate, or both!

a13049

phira said:

GOOD NEWS you're done, reward yourself with alcohol, chocolate, or both!

I can't I am on a diet so I can have a rockin hot bod on my wedding and I am still nursing a wee one! But seriously, yes, I find confrontation very stressful.  I am glad it is behind me.

cruffino

Wow. Count your blessings.

Jen4948

I think you dodged a bullet.

erinlin25

we had a couple break up after the STDs were sent out-- it was H's best friend who was dating H's sister at the time. They broke up a few months after the STDs were out (both were in the wedding party too) Before invites were being sent sister had a new boyfriend so both sister and his best friend were saved a +1.  Sister was invited with her boyfriend, Hs best friend did not get invited a +1 since he was not in a relationship at the time of invites.  It got sticky when sister then broke up with that guy, RSVP'd for herself only, and then 2 weeks before the wedding had a new boyfriend she wanted to bring... oye.  MIL vetoed the new boyfriend being invited and since we were 2 weeks out we went with it since it was not breaking ettiquette.  Sister and that BF are still together and there are no hard feelings. He even stated how uncomfortable he would have been going to a family function like that and "meeting the family" after only 2 weeks, lol.

point is:  regardless of how they broke up, if invites have not gone out yet, her SO should be invited to the wedding.  I think it is weird she would want to attend especially since her ex will be there with all HIS friends, not hers-- but I am sure she just wants to go because it is Vegas and she is using it for her birthday celebration in addition to the wedding.  I would not invite her to the bachelorette party and I most definitely would not accommodate her SO and her friends at YOUR bachelorette party.  Besides you are not the host of your bachelorette party so guest list is not yours to grant +11 guests too.  She can go to Vegas and celebrate her own birthday with her SO and her friends, but not on your (or your bachelorette hosts) dime.  If she wants them all to happen to be at the same club you are all at, that is fine you cannot control where they go but make it clear they are not be paid for in any way by your host.

i can't believe people like this exist!!    

CaliMel11

Well thank god she's not showing up because she sounds like a real winner! Ugh. Why in the world is she freaking out about you having her phone number, when she was planning on inviting herself and her friends to your wedding?
That makes no sense to me at all, except that she probably figured it was a free party or something.
Congratulations on getting rid of her!!