Fiance's brother claims "cant make it" to wedding

[Deleted User]

So to start things off, My Fiance and I have been dating for 8 years. We got engaged in August of 2013. Wedding ideas have been bounced back and forth between us, ultimately leading to a "sort of" last minute date picking (July 12 2014) after deciding to have a laid back ceremony and reception in our gorgeous big backyard.

We decided on this date mid-march 2014, I designed and purchased invitations personalized to us. (they have not been sent out yet). After I had made the purchase, my finaces brother informs us he cannot make the wedding that day because he has to work (ceremony is not until 5), He would be working until about 5 or 530. My question is , even with my fiance and I suggestion numerous other options for that day to brother ( calling in sick, taking a half day, going in early and finishing earlier) for examples, he still refuses and says he cant make it.

Am I wrong for thinking we were giving plenty of advanced notice to our families and friends with 3 (full) months notification? OR am I being over zealous thinking planning a wedding in 3-4 months is do-able.? Thanks!

misshart00

I think you can plan a wedding in 3 months. That's not the problem. I know plenty of people who cannot get off certain dates even months in advance, my husband included. Since your venue is your backyard, your date is pretty flexible. While not required, it is best to check with VIPs before setting a date. In other words, no, you're not wrong, but neither is he.

phira

Michaelacha said:

So to start things off, My Fiance and I have been dating for 8 years. We got engaged in August of 2013. Wedding ideas have been bounced back and forth between us, ultimately leading to a "sort of" last minute date picking (July 12 2014) after deciding to have a laid back ceremony and reception in our gorgeous big backyard.

We decided on this date mid-march 2014, I designed and purchased invitations personalized to us. (they have not been sent out yet). After I had made the purchase, my finaces brother informs us he cannot make the wedding that day because he has to work (ceremony is not until 5), He would be working until about 5 or 530. My question is , even with my fiance and I suggestion numerous other options for that day to brother ( calling in sick, taking a half day, going in early and finishing earlier) for examples, he still refuses and says he cant make it.

Am I wrong for thinking we were giving plenty of advanced notice to our families and friends with 3 (full) months notification? OR am I being over zealous thinking planning a wedding in 3-4 months is do-able.? Thanks!

Neither of you is wrong. You can definitely plan a wedding in 3 months, and you definitely don't have to move your date if you don't want to. But you don't get to decide what's enough notice for other people. If this is a huge problem, then your fiance should talk to his brother, and then you and your fiance need to sit down and decide if you want to move the date or not.

msuprincess04

If he can't make it, he can't make it. You can't really demand he alter his work schedule for your wedding. When you don't ask VIPs prior to setting the date, this can happen. Even when you do, this can happen. Just let it go and plan as normal, or ask what does work and perhaps push your wedding back an hour to two.

pinkshorts27

So to start things off, My Fiance and I have been dating for 8 years. We got engaged in August of 2013. Wedding ideas have been bounced back and forth between us, ultimately leading to a "sort of" last minute date picking (July 12 2014) after deciding to have a laid back ceremony and reception in our gorgeous big backyard.

We decided on this date mid-march 2014, I designed and purchased invitations personalized to us. (they have not been sent out yet). After I had made the purchase, my finaces brother informs us he cannot make the wedding that day because he has to work (ceremony is not until 5), He would be working until about 5 or 530. My question is , even with my fiance and I suggestion numerous other options for that day to brother ( calling in sick, taking a half day, going in early and finishing earlier) for examples, he still refuses and says he cant make it.

Am I wrong for thinking we were giving plenty of advanced notice to our families and friends with 3 (full) months notification? OR am I being over zealous thinking planning a wedding in 3-4 months is do-able.? Thanks!

I agree with PP. Plus you don't know his work dynamic. There might be issues with pressure on people who take time off or call in sick, he might be trying to keep his job.  You really wouldn't want him to risk losing his job. And it might be none of those things. He may just not want to take work off. That is why it is best to check with VIPs before setting a date (attention lurkers!). Then you can decide what works and who absolutely has to be there. 

kmmssg

If you don't check with your VIP's before you set things in motion, this is what happens.

Neither of you are wrong.  It's great that you pulled your plans together in that amount of time, but if people have to work they have to work.  Companies have to work around vacation schedules of their other employees, mission requirements, customer needs, etc.  Just because you are getting married doesn't mean everyone can automatically make it

His absence at your wedding has nothing to do with how much he supports his brother or you guys as a couple.  It's a bummer, but just let it go.

[Deleted User]

Thats part of the reason why I'm asking. I really could not  care less. Its important he is at our wedding. yes. If we cant do it anymore, then we can't. But then I spoke to some family members regarding it and everyone seemed so mad that he wouldnt even say " I can try to get it off". I am more bummed than anything else we cant do it on that date, but mad? no way jose. I think everyone I've told has been more upset than me !!!

banana468

If it was so important that he be there why didn't you check with him when you picked the date?

[Deleted User]

Well I did check with my immediate family. And I checked with my hubby to be prior to purchasing the invites. He told me to "go for it". So I assumed all was well. I also wasnt aware previously that we were planning our wedding around everyone else's schedule. Definitely a learning experience I will take into account in the future.

thisismynickname2

Since July 12 is the middle of summer, perhaps moving the ceremony back a smidge will help. The sun should still be out at 6, 6:30. A sunset ceremony will be lovely! 

mbross3

I agree with PP, neither of you is in the wrong. You and your FI can choose whatever wedding date you both like, but there's always the possibility that people won't be able to make it no matter how much time you give them.

If there are VIPs that you and your FI absolutely want at your wedding, honestly your only real option is to check with them before you settle on your date to make sure it works for them. 

It sounds like he might be being intentionally difficult, but I also had a very, very strict job (governmental), and my hours were completely regulated, I couldn't change my start/end time by even 30 mins and my time off and vacation days were actually set out the year previously and revolved around the schedules of the other 2 task force members. I have no idea what his job is, my point is simply that, having experienced that job, I can totally understand someone not being able to change their schedules at all, even with 3 months notice. Even if he's done at 5:30 pm, I can see how it would be incredibly difficult to get home and dressed and ready for a wedding that evening, especially if the wedding started at 5. 

If you don't have any reason to suspect that he's being intentionally difficult (if he and your FI aren't fighting/ generally have a good relationship) I don't understand why you wouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt. If he says he can't make it, that he can't switch his schedule, you and your FI have to accept this. 

banana468

When you really want certain people to be there, you check with them in advance. I'm kind of surprised that this didn't occur to your FI. We knew BIL would be out of law school and taking the Bar exam the summer we were getting married so we made sure to check with him so he wouldn't have a conflict.

I'm rather curious about your FBIL's profession that he can't take the time off this far in advance though.

[Deleted User]

He is a mail carrier for the post office. It could be that he just doesnt have the "time off" left to take any days off. I was kicking myself for not checking myself with both of our immediate families, I guess I just really wasnt thinking it would be an issue. And just to clear the air, I am not mad at all or saying "he can definitely get it the time off and just wont" WE LOVE our families. I know the title of the discussion looks like ":he could, but wont."  -

phira

I mean, we didn't check with VIPs either, but we picked out date about 14 months in advance.

abbyj700

Have him go ahead and come late. He may miss your ceremony - but express to him that you still want him to be able to celebrate with you.

[Deleted User]

Our plan was to have the ceremony @ 5 with immediate family members only and then have aunts, uncles, cousins, friends come to the reception-only @ 7. I being the cheapo depot I am, even went as far as to suggest if he couldnt go we could get married that morning @ town hall and still salvage the reception invites which state the 7pm time. nix the ceremony altogether. so we may end up going that route. That way everyone can celebrate with us and nobody will feel left out if we get rid of the ceremony altogether.

[Deleted User]

Neither party is wrong. You have to give him some room that not all companies are easy to work around with getting time off & calling off can come with major consequences. You can either move back the time of your ceremony if possible, perform the ceremony without him or reschedule everything since invites haven't gone out yet.

Any family photos that he needs to be in, can be done at the reception. My sister had to do that for her wedding because they forgot to tell the grooms Brother that they were doing family photos after the ceremony. If he can still make the reception (which I'm guessing since it starts at 7:00 PM he would have enough time to go home, shower & change), it won't be a total loss. now if he's saying he can't make the reception, then that's a whole different can of worms to deal with because then it's not work that's keeping him from your wedding day.

doeydo

Michaelacha said: Our plan was to have the ceremony @ 5 with immediate family members only and then have aunts, uncles, cousins, friends come to the reception-only @ 7. I being the cheapo depot I am, even went as far as to suggest if he couldnt go we could get married that morning @ town hall and still salvage the reception invites which state the 7pm time. nix the ceremony altogether. so we may end up going that route. That way everyone can celebrate with us and nobody will feel left out if we get rid of the ceremony altogether.
 
Wait, is there a gap between the ceremony and the reception?  If so, you need to fix that.  Also, if you go the other route and get married in the morning or something at the town hall, you need to host some sort of reception if you have any guests (even if it is just your parents and siblings or whoever).  It could be a simple brunch, cake and punch, or something but some sort of reception needs to follow the ceremony if you invite any guests to the ceremony.

[Deleted User]

oops sorry I forgot to specify. "cocktail reception @ 7." We were going to do ceremony, take pics, eat dinner (with our immediate fam within the 5-7 time frame) and then when guests arrive start the dj and dancing. We were going to have small snacks but no sit down dinner -only for immediate fam following ceremony.

Jen4948

Michaelacha said:

oops sorry I forgot to specify. "cocktail reception @ 7." We were going to do ceremony, take pics, eat dinner (with our immediate fam within the 5-7 time frame) and then when guests arrive start the dj and dancing. We were going to have small snacks but no sit down dinner -only for immediate fam following ceremony.

Sorry, but serving dinner to your immediate family and only small snacks to your other guests after your ceremony is called "tiered hospitality" and it's extremely rude.  You need to offer all your guests the same hospitality-and yes, you do have to serve refreshments of some type to ALL your guests.  It is insanely rude to make distinctions among your guests as to who is served what in terms of quantity and quality.

PrettyGirlLost

Michaelacha said:

So to start things off, My Fiance and I have been dating for 8 years. We got engaged in August of 2013. Wedding ideas have been bounced back and forth between us, ultimately leading to a "sort of" last minute date picking (July 12 2014) after deciding to have a laid back ceremony and reception in our gorgeous big backyard.

We decided on this date mid-march 2014, I designed and purchased invitations personalized to us. (they have not been sent out yet). After I had made the purchase, my finaces brother informs us he cannot make the wedding that day because he has to work (ceremony is not until 5), He would be working until about 5 or 530. My question is , even with my fiance and I suggestion numerous other options for that day to brother ( calling in sick, taking a half day, going in early and finishing earlier) for examples, he still refuses and says he cant make it.

Am I wrong for thinking we were giving plenty of advanced notice to our families and friends with 3 (full) months notification? OR am I being over zealous thinking planning a wedding in 3-4 months is do-able.? Thanks!

I think you should have checked with your VIPs to make sure the proposed date worked for them before printing invitations.

hyechica81

so your aunts and uncles are not important to see you exchange vows but they can come for cake and punch no way so so rude you need to invite everyone to ceremony reception and dancing that includes food

[Deleted User]

We dont really have the money to feed everyone , I guess my thought process was that dinner would be over before everyone else showed up. I guess that is super rude, even for a backyard wedding. Small immediate family ceremony only  it is then. Thanks for the info.

STARMOON44

Move everything to 7, and only invite the people you can afford to host.

[Deleted User]

What does that even mean though? "Only invite the people you can afford to host." Isn't that just as rude as inviting everyone and not being able to afford a sit down dinner ? (Just doing apps and drinks for example?)

[Deleted User]

If I said to a member of my
Extended family, oh I'm so sorry I couldn't on ore you bc I couldn't afford to feed you , they would be so heartbroken. I can't imagine doing that. It seems like etiquette here is either t

[Deleted User]

To go into debt hosting a wedding with
Everyone or just forgo a traditional wedding all together to avoid hurting anyone's feelings. So bizarre .

ScoutF

Michaelacha said:

If I said to a member of my Extended family, oh I'm so sorry I couldn't on ore you bc I couldn't afford to feed you , they would be so heartbroken. I can't imagine doing that. It seems like etiquette here is either t

Then don't have your wedding at a mealtime and have a cake and punch reception. If you invite people, you need to take care of them. 

bethsmiles

Michaelacha said:

What does that even mean though? "Only invite the people you can afford to host." Isn't that just as rude as inviting everyone and not being able to afford a sit down dinner ? (Just doing apps and drinks for example?)

If your wedding isn't during a meal time, it's not rude at all to not do a sit down dinner.

[Deleted User]

Is 7pm a mealtime ?

ScoutF

Michaelacha said:

Is 7pm a mealtime ?

Absolutely is.