Anyone else marrying a single dad?

wandajune6

I love my fiance and his son to pieces. Son lives with us during the week and 1 weekend a month (frequently more as ex often cancels). Ex and his ex-wife loathe each other for reasons going back to the custody battle. She lost full-time custody 8 years and and, despite lip service on occasion, really doesn't want full custody. The son has a learning disability that we're dealing with and our biggest issues are him not doing homework, a refusal to eat anything healthy, and terrible hygiene. Basically, he's a normal 15 year old boy. I love him but occasionally wish he would disappear into his room for the next 3 years!

We all live together and I'm the person who tag-teams parenting duties with his dad on things like parent-teacher conferences, doctor's appointments, and the miserable everyday battle over homework and vegetables.

FI's out of town for work this week so future stepson (FSS?) is with me (not the first time this has happened but the first time since his ex resurfaced after going MIA for months). Ex wife found out about this when I went to pick him up yesterday and threw an epic shit fit complete with threats of police, custody battles, etc. FI screwed up by not telling her in advance (not that she wanted to have him stay with her, of course) and she handled it equally badly. I defused the situation and gave her my contact info.

Funny enough, FSS called her last night whining that I gave him food that made him sick. He ate 3/4 of a box of a high fiber cereal it was like Cheerio's. He was in agony from to much fiber but still ate the dinner I made (I found the empty cereal box later). When his mom texted me for an update, I gave her the real story and heard him getting responding to her phone call moments later.

FSS knows my approach: I don't want to replace his mom and think that the more people who love a kid, the better.

I feel like I did a pretty good job of handling my first serious step-mom situation but want to ask the crowd: any recommendations for being a kick-ass step mom?

flyingfoxes

I'm entering into the same boat.  My FI has a14-year-old daughter and an 18-year-old son.  His ex wife has mental problems so she gets supervised visitation. I have yet to meet her, but he's warned me of what she will be like when I do in June at his son's graduation.  It's a little tougher since he's deployed and they are staying 4 hours away in St. Louis, but I've made a couple of trips down to visit with them, plus they all were up at my house when he was home on R&R in December.  We'll all be together this summer after he's back and school is out, so I'm going to be learning quickly how to be a step mom.  I'm just glad they are older, and they are very accepting and good kids for the most part. 

shaylagirl

For the most part, BM and I don't talk much except when she does drop off or pick-up, then it's common pleasantries.  DH and her do all of the communicating about SS as they're pretty civil with one another.

For awhile, prior to our engagement and our marriage, I walked a tightrope with my SS as I'm not his mom, but I'm a parent, and I didn't want him to feel alienated or like I was stepping on his mom's toes.  I love my DH, but he's got this irrational fear that SS is going to want to go live with BM when he turns 12, so he's more friend than father to SS (it drives me batshit bonkers, STILL).  So, for a while, I was doing minimal parenting, and primarily through my now DH.  I've also had to ride DH's ass to make sure he communicates with me as to what weekends BM is taking SS as I've made plans a few different times for our family, but she'll call last minute, late on a Friday, and DH was just letting her do whatever. 

Now that we're married, honestly, I'll call SS out when he hasn't done chores, or he flat out ignores what dad's told him to do MULTIPLE times ("Josh, what did your father just say to you?  Get it done please.")

It sounds like you're handling being a step-parent very well.  Your FI will need to learn to communicate better so that you don't get caught in their ugliness.  Plus, it's just common courtesy on his part. 

I know that with Josh, to try and establish some kind of 'bond' I've taken him out to a movie, gone and grabbed a quick meal with just the two of us, or talked about whatever interests him (books, video games, etc).  Mostly I took my cues from him as to what might be okay with building up our bond.  Of course, he and I are pretty similar; we're kind of introverts, so we don't talk much, which makes our conversations awkward.  Which is kind of funny in that not-so-funny way.

SmileDamnit

Yep! FI has a 15-year-old from a previous marriage, but luckily, he has a great relationship (now) with his ex-wife. It wasn't always the case, though. FI raised his son on his own from 2-years-old to 8-years-old, with ex-wife only popping in a couple of times a year. Thankfully, she's since gotten her life together, remarried to a great guy and they have a 5-year-old son together. They actually live about a mile away from us now, and all parties involved co-parent quite well together. FSS is with us from Friday - Thursday, every other week and we work out vacations and holidays on a case-by-case basis. I really am grateful that I am stepping into a pretty solid scene.

suburbanstepmom

I am KIND OF in the same boat. FI has a 5-year old son from a previous relationship (never married before). His son and I get along fine but BM is not in the picture really at all. We have tough times with it since she'll just pop into SS's life every once in a while - even though she's supposed to have him every weekend - and then SS will spend the next couple days a little sad and quiet because he wants to see her more.

I don't want to "step on BM's toes" as some say and try to step in like I am SS's mother but I try to care for him and support him as much as I can because I imagine being that age and not having that nurturing mother-figure in your life can be really hard. I imagine I’ll be singing a much different tune when I am at the stage you ladies are at and SS is in his teens! I can’t wait… /sarcasm. LOL

ETA: formatting crap

 

suburbanstepmom

OMG COMPUTER MELTDOWN. I cannot edit the above comment. Sorry y'all.

Jells2dot0

I am a stepmom to two girls- 19 years old and a 22 years old. I became a part of their lives 8 years ago, so it's been an interesting ride through the teenage years. I really do not have a major part in their lives as they were older when they met me. But, when they were over for visitation, I'd cook for them, help them with homework, or basically just try to be there when they needed anything. I feel that the key for my situation was just trying to set a good example without ever pushing myself on them. I really went into it with no expectations on how we should be as a family and each girl has decided how much they want me to be a part of their lives. One daughter keeps me at arm's length and the other is very close to me and her father. Dealing with them as teens was beyond insane. I really wanted to throw in the towel many times, as the one could be very disrespectful, but I made it out alive and I feel that I've learned so much from the experience.

wandajune6

Feeling so much less alone on this!

SS and I do well together. He also knows that living with his mom isn't an option (we've never discussed it but he knows his mom doesn't want him).

He knows that I care about grades and health- and don't care worry so much about the rest. Since I've been involved, he's gone from barely passing each grade to a C-average- and I'm convinced that he'll keep doing better. I also worry about his health as he has 2 type 2 diabetic parents and issues with impulse control around food. His dad has always told him that he's out at 18 unless he's in school full-time and working so my approach has always been to tell him that he needs to make these things priorities if he wants to have options.

In the eyes of his school, his doctors/counselors, etc., I'm effectively his mother. I'm ok with that but the responsibility scares me at times. I worry that I'm going to screw him up!

wandajune6

I am a stepmom to two girls- 19 years old and a 22 years old. I became a part of their lives 8 years ago, so it's been an interesting ride through the teenage years. I really do not have a major part in their lives as they were older when they met me. But, when they were over for visitation, I'd cook for them, help them with homework, or basically just try to be there when they needed anything. I feel that the key for my situation was just trying to set a good example without ever pushing myself on them. I really went into it with no expectations on how we should be as a family and each girl has decided how much they want me to be a part of their lives. One daughter keeps me at arm's length and the other is very close to me and her father. Dealing with them as teens was beyond insane. I really wanted to throw in the towel many times, as the one could be very disrespectful, but I made it out alive and I feel that I've learned so much from the experience.

That's how I've tried to handle it myself. I'm just not always getting it right as he's the kind of kid who needs a mom and I'm the one there!

wandajune6

@MissMaeisbeforeJune- I can understand that. What I've learned from SS is that security and routine matters more than fun. His mom doesn't give him chores, make him do homework, etc. She lets him eat endless junkfood (seriously- coming home bragging about pizza for lunch and eating 30 wings for dinner is NOT ok!), takes him to movies, and lets him watch endless tv. She's much more fun than we are. But with us, for as much whining as there is about chores and homework, he knows that there are people who actually cares about his health and success. He doesn't say it but he always seems thrilled to be home, even if he doesn't want to do the homework he put off all weekend!

Jells2dot0

wandajune6 said:

@MissMaeisbeforeJune- I can understand that. What I've learned from SS is that security and routine matters more than fun. His mom doesn't give him chores, make him do homework, etc. She lets him eat endless junkfood (seriously- coming home bragging about pizza for lunch and eating 30 wings for dinner is NOT ok!), takes him to movies, and lets him watch endless tv. She's much more fun than we are. But with us, for as much whining as there is about chores and homework, he knows that there are people who actually cares about his health and success. He doesn't say it but he always seems thrilled to be home, even if he doesn't want to do the homework he put off all weekend!

This. My DH's ex was the "fun" parent. She just threw money around (not hers, of course) and whenever he tried to discipline for poor behaviors, she would do the opposite just to spite DH. We have always just operated under the assumption that one day the girls would see we were there for more than just financial gain because we helped with so many other non-material things. It sucks that co-parenting was not an option- EVER- and that I got blamed for the mom's problems, which was funny, given that she left my DH before I ever even lived in the same state. Anyway, just being there as a good influence and helping them through life isn't really appreciated now but it will be as they get older and mature. I even had to learn that when I came into the relationship because I was only 26 when we met. So, everyone matured together. Lol

shaylagirl

I think it's easy for the non-custodial parent to be the "fun/cool/awesome" parent.  They're not the ones dealing with homework, illness, chores, or the day-to-day work that comes with raising a child. 

I will say one of our gratifying moments was when BM called to talk to DH and she told him "Josh said our (her) house is messy, and that he has to do chores at home so his house isn't messy."

I think my smile stretched from ear to ear.  We don't ask much from the boys, but we do expect them to help around the house.  SS isn't quite there yet; my son's pretty much there.  But then, I've been working on my son since he was 11, so he understands my expectations pretty well.    SS'll get there too.

Jells2dot0

shaylagirl said:

I think it's easy for the non-custodial parent to be the "fun/cool/awesome" parent.  They're not the ones dealing with homework, illness, chores, or the day-to-day work that comes with raising a child. 

I will say one of our gratifying moments was when BM called to talk to DH and she told him "Josh said our (her) house is messy, and that he has to do chores at home so his house isn't messy."

I think my smile stretched from ear to ear.  We don't ask much from the boys, but we do expect them to help around the house.  SS isn't quite there yet; my son's pretty much there.  But then, I've been working on my son since he was 11, so he understands my expectations pretty well.    SS'll get there too.

In our case, the fun parent was the custodial parent. So, the kids got to run around open loop most of the time. Mom is now broke (alimony and CS are done, she blew through her inheritance and then some and has had wages garnished) but she still finds a way to be fun and blame dad for everything that is wrong with the kids :-/

wandajune6

SS's mom has never paid child support. She even told FI that it doesn't make sense for her to get a job because all of the money would go to back child support. Yet somehow she can afford to buy SS video games and designer clothes and go out for every dinner. Sometimes really sucks that she gets to do all of the fun stuff and we can't.

s-aries8990

As a child of a parent who remarried someone not ideal, it seems like you're on the right track. Just try to have a good relationship with him! I'm sure you already do, but make him feel welcome as best as you can (Dad's been remarried for ~13/14? years now and has lived there since I was 11. I still feel like an outsider.) It does suck to be the "less fun" one, but isn't it better that you guys will be the stronghold in his life? The people he will come to for advice? The people he respects? Dad tried to buy me (he TAUGHT me about "ulterior motives" when I was freaking 12) but I could see right through. Kids sometimes are smarter than they're credited. Just keep on keeping on Wanda!

shaylagirl

Jells2dot0 said:

I think it's easy for the non-custodial parent to be the "fun/cool/awesome" parent.  They're not the ones dealing with homework, illness, chores, or the day-to-day work that comes with raising a child. 

I will say one of our gratifying moments was when BM called to talk to DH and she told him "Josh said our (her) house is messy, and that he has to do chores at home so his house isn't messy."

I think my smile stretched from ear to ear.  We don't ask much from the boys, but we do expect them to help around the house.  SS isn't quite there yet; my son's pretty much there.  But then, I've been working on my son since he was 11, so he understands my expectations pretty well.    SS'll get there too.

In our case, the fun parent was the custodial parent. So, the kids got to run around open loop most of the time. Mom is now broke (alimony and CS are done, she blew through her inheritance and then some and has had wages garnished) but she still finds a way to be fun and blame dad for everything that is wrong with the kids :-/

That's awful.    The girls sound old enough that, surely, they know now that it isn't dad's fault, right? 

But, it sounds like the karma wheel got her. 

Also, why DO parents want to come across as the fun one?  I don't mind goofing around with my son, but when the rubber hits the road, I have no problem being the heavy to keep him on the straight and narrow.

Jells2dot0

shaylagirl said:

Jells2dot0 said:

shaylagirl said:

I think it's easy for the non-custodial parent to be the "fun/cool/awesome" parent.  They're not the ones dealing with homework, illness, chores, or the day-to-day work that comes with raising a child. 

I will say one of our gratifying moments was when BM called to talk to DH and she told him "Josh said our (her) house is messy, and that he has to do chores at home so his house isn't messy."

I think my smile stretched from ear to ear.  We don't ask much from the boys, but we do expect them to help around the house.  SS isn't quite there yet; my son's pretty much there.  But then, I've been working on my son since he was 11, so he understands my expectations pretty well.    SS'll get there too.

In our case, the fun parent was the custodial parent. So, the kids got to run around open loop most of the time. Mom is now broke (alimony and CS are done, she blew through her inheritance and then some and has had wages garnished) but she still finds a way to be fun and blame dad for everything that is wrong with the kids :-/

That's awful.    The girls sound old enough that, surely, they know now that it isn't dad's fault, right? 

But, it sounds like the karma wheel got her. 

Also, why DO parents want to come across as the fun one?  I don't mind goofing around with my son, but when the rubber hits the road, I have no problem being the heavy to keep him on the straight and narrow.


Yeah, I don't get it. His ex is like Regina George's mom: she trots around in clothes a 20 year old wears and tries to "gab" with the girls' friends.

I'm just glad that they are older and we deal with them directly now. We tried dealing with the ex recently due to college tuition and she went off on a tirade about how her kids are screwed up because of DH and how DH iis so unhappy and she is so happy and doesn't need him. We all know that means she is unhappy and trying to blame him. Lol

Vivandiere8

Wow, the description of your set up sounds so much like mine. Future step son is nine, but custody battle, Mom is suppose to have him every weekend but it's usually every other or less as she cancels a lot, pretends to want him more but really doesn't, step son has some possible learning disabilities, I go to parents teacher meetings with fiancé, etc, etc... As I am still learning myself my only advice would be to try to always be the bigger person, and don't let yourself or fiancé complain about his Mom in front of him no matter how stupid she is being. If she is going to act crazy let her do it alone. Actually it sounds like you are already on the right track!

wandajune6

@Vivandiere8- our situations are VERY similar. SS has heard both parents say horrible things about the other parent. FI knows that he made some mistakes with that (they got divorced when they were very young and very stupid) and is trying to do better. I'm making it a point to defuse situations wherever possible- and stay out of things with the ex as much as possible! Though she and I have been communicating a lot since FI left SS and I alone for the week due to a work trip.

shaylagirl

Vivandiere8 said:

 As I am still learning myself my only advice would be to try to always be the bigger person, and don't let yourself or fiancé complain about his Mom in front of him no matter how stupid she is being. If she is going to act crazy let her do it alone.

That bolded up there...100% spot on!!

My son's bio-father hasn't seen him since he was about 18 months old (he's now 16 years old).  I have NEVER bad mouthed his father in front of him, nor allowed ANY of my family members to either.  My son's finally, all on his own, figured out his father's craptacular without my ever needing to have said a word.

Jells2dot0 said:
Yeah, I don't get it. His ex is like Regina George's mom: she trots around in clothes a 20 year old wears and tries to "gab" with the girls' friends. I'm just glad that they are older and we deal with them directly now. We tried dealing with the ex recently due to college tuition and she went off on a tirade about how her kids are screwed up because of DH and how DH iis so unhappy and she is so happy and doesn't need him. We all know that means she is unhappy and trying to blame him. Lol

Also...MAN their BM sounds BSC.  It's not that I have anything against my SS's mom in regards to parenting, I'm just looking forward to the day when we don't have to have her in "our" lives any more (or at least minimal contact).  I am NOT looking forward to seeing DH deal with her in regards to auto costs, college costs or any of that.  *sigh* 
Which I guess is an upside to my son's father being AWOL?  I don't have to talk to him about assisting with college? 

afox007

Vivandiere8 said:

Wow, the description of your set up sounds so much like mine. Future step son is nine, but custody battle, Mom is suppose to have him every weekend but it's usually every other or less as she cancels a lot, pretends to want him more but really doesn't, step son has some possible learning disabilities, I go to parents teacher meetings with fiancé, etc, etc... As I am still learning myself my only advice would be to try to always be the bigger person, and don't let yourself or fiancé complain about his Mom in front of him no matter how stupid she is being. If she is going to act crazy let her do it alone. Actually it sounds like you are already on the right track!

This is definitely the best advice any of us can give you. Despite her being a homeless drug addict I have somehow kept my mouth shut about FSS's bio-mom (with the exception of me and FI telling him there was no way he was going to spend half his time as a hobo when he suggested his mom get 1/2 custody). 

Keeping my mouth shut has totally paid off. I seem like this amazing loving person and he has seen how mean and nasty she is with how she bad mouths FI and me. He told her off the last time she was talking about how manipulative and awful a person I was. His response was along the lines of "ya she's totally horrible I mean what kind of person cooks for me, takes me to do fun things, and goes to my baseball games. Clearly she's is a bitch." 

wandajune6

You ladies are impressive! It sounds like you're raising pretty amazing kids as well!

My recent interactions with the ex are good for the kid but not going to make him happy. Our communications are allowing us to catch where he's been trying to play both sides. He's not going to love us for this but I'm actually thinking it's going to be great for him!