Wedding Etiquette Forum

How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?

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Re: How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?

  • I'm joining you in coffee, @hisgirlfriday13, because it took me a solid minute to figure out what the picture @mobkaz posted was.
  • This Monday, in addition to the general weather in March, can DIAF. I'm so over it. 

    I have more coffee now, so hopefully that'll help. 

    Thought of you, btw, @KeptInStitches, this weekend when I started to crochet a wedding present for some friends. I'm making a lap blanket, so it's basically chain on the right number of stitches, do the first row, which involves all the counting and hard parts, and then repeat mindlessly until it's the right length.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • phira said:
    OP, here are your options:

    - Forfeit the deposit and find another venue that can accommodate your budget and your actual guest list. Your maximum number should include you and your fiance, significant others of guests, and days for any single people over the age of 18. Any venue that's not big enough for that maximum is too small.

    - Cut your guest list. If you can't afford to invite your aunts and uncles with their significant others, then don't invite your aunts and uncles. I get how hard this can be; our smallest guest list, where we couldn't cut any more people, was about 90, and that was assuming that no new relationships started (which, of course, they have). But the only people that MUST be present are you, your future spouse, and your officiant. So if you can't afford to invite significant others, then you can't afford to invite all the guests you already have.

    - Be rude. Because, inevitably, you are in charge of your own behavior and decisions.

    For lurkers:

    You totally should make a guest list before you go venue hunting. We recommend that you make a list of the people you absolutely want to invite to your wedding, and include each person's significant other. If you have any single guests over the age of 18, add in a potential date for them (since, as we've pointed out in this thread, people might start new relationships after you pick a venue). Do you need to give every single guest a plus one? Hell no. But what you're doing is coming up with a head count that any potential venue would need to accommodate.
    I'm quoting and emphasizing this, because it is a critical part of planning and would have prevented the OP's problem in the 1st place.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • it's YOUR wedding - do what you want! i am having a very small wedding also and spoke to people individually about the same situation. everyone was very understanding! i do not believe that you should cancel your venue and find a new one because people are no longer single - that's nuts!
  • mendoliac said:
    it's YOUR wedding - do what you want! i am having a very small wedding also and spoke to people individually about the same situation. everyone was very understanding! i do not believe that you should cancel your venue and find a new one because people are no longer single - that's nuts!
    You are on the etiquette board. We are not going to validate bad ideas.
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  • laurynm84 said:


    mendoliac said:

    it's YOUR wedding - do what you want! i am having a very small wedding also and spoke to people individually about the same situation. everyone was very understanding! i do not believe that you should cancel your venue and find a new one because people are no longer single - that's nuts!

    You are on the etiquette board. We are not going to validate bad ideas.

    Of course not, but again we also need to be realistic in the advice we give

    OP fucked up when planning her guest list and chose a venue that doesn't leave her room to invite the SO's she failed to plan for in the 1st place.

    The solutions to this issue do not pass etiquette muster- cut ppl from the guest list who have already received an STD or stick with her original plan and not invite the SO's.

    Either way ppl will be upset and she needs to apologize profusely and realize she may damage relationships with people.

    Forfeiting her deposit and possibly paying a percentage of her contracted price and then choosing a new venue is the only Etiquette Approved solution, but it seems highly unlikely. I'm just trying to be realistic.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • mendoliac said:
    it's YOUR wedding - do what you want! i am having a very small wedding also and spoke to people individually about the same situation. everyone was very understanding! i do not believe that you should cancel your venue and find a new one because people are no longer single - that's nuts!
    This is shitty advice and a shitty outlook about hosting your guests in general.  Wedding reception = hosting guests, not glamoraza party just for celebrating the bride and groom.



  • mendoliac said:
    it's YOUR wedding - do what you want! i am having a very small wedding also and spoke to people individually about the same situation. everyone was very understanding! i do not believe that you should cancel your venue and find a new one because people are no longer single - that's nuts!
    Of course they were understanding to your face. You put them in an incredibly awkward situation and they probably didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you how rude you are being. That doesn't mean they are happy about it or don't think you're being rude.

    Why wouldn't you want to treat your nearest and dearest with love and respect? It doesn't matter what the hell is going on on any given day - selfish behavior is selfish behavior. What exactly about getting married makes people think it's okay to treat others poorly, especially those closest to them?


  • not ok if your aunts uncles are in a relationship you need to invite them

    i find it rude that people did not figure out the plus ones on the guest list beforehand.

    i am close to all my cousins so they are all getting an invite plus so, husband or wife, only a few are going solo  we have a list of 150 and out of those 150 only about 20 of them dont have so so they are getting just one invite and the wont have a so by the time we get  married
  • To the OPs credit, I think she clarified that these aunts and uncles did NOT have SOs when save the dates went out... She isn't talking about people who have been in year long relationships but aren't married and deeming them "not in a relationship."

    As @PrettyGirlLost has stated, clearly the OP fucked up and now has to deal with her choices in the best way possible.
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  • TakerFan1 said:
    I am having a small wedding (family and a few very close friends only).  I am on a tight budget so we have a small venue (our current guest list is 6 people below capacity of the room and that does not include me, my fiance, or a photographer, caterer, DJ, any of that.)  I already have people in my family asking to bring their boyfriends / girlfriends and I don't know how to tell them no without offending them or turning them off from coming to my wedding.  With it all being family members and they are all aunts and uncles so I have never had a role of authority over them.  They are telling me that I have to let them bring a date because they are not married.  I don't know what to tell them to get them to leave it alone and realize that I do want them at my wedding but there is no room for their guests.  Any suggestions?

    The bad news: you still do not have a role of authority over your aunts and uncles. Your role is one of hospitality -- considering their needs, thinking of their comfort before your own, honouring them as guests; not authority. But the good news is that as hostess, you do have authority over your guest-list: you get to decide whom you will offer hospitality to, within polite limits.

    If your guests are not married (or equivalent-to-married, meaning living together non-platonically) and are not engaged (or equivalent-to-engaged, meaning they have made it clear in their social circle that they consider themselves a committed couple) then you do not need to invite escorts for them. You'll hear on this board that anyone who considers themselves to be in any sort of a relationship is entitled to an invitation for their chosen escort, but that is a kNot-etiquette rule rather than a rule of standard etiquette, and also nonsense: you cannot read people's minds to know what they consider about themselves, and there are all sorts of types of relationship that do not warrant recognition at a celebration of commitment, which is what a wedding is.

    You say the same thing to people who are looking to turn your wedding into date-night, that you would say to people trying to turn it into a high-school reunion or a family children's party or a neighbourhood block party: "Oh, aunty, I am so sorry but we really are not able to extend any additional informations. I do hope you can attend anyway." If you are really lucky, you find a dragon-lady auntie or grandma who is not labouring under an impression of entitlement, and let her invoke the power of the Aunt Mafia on unruly relatives, in your support.

    Best of luck, and may you have a lovely wedding.

    (Oh, and it is obvious to me that the reason one has a DJ for an event under about twenty people, is to play music for dancing to. Where is it written that you cannot have dancing at a small party?)

  • ScoutFScoutF member
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    edited March 2014
    TakerFan1 said:
    I am having a small wedding (family and a few very close friends only).  I am on a tight budget so we have a small venue (our current guest list is 6 people below capacity of the room and that does not include me, my fiance, or a photographer, caterer, DJ, any of that.)  I already have people in my family asking to bring their boyfriends / girlfriends and I don't know how to tell them no without offending them or turning them off from coming to my wedding.  With it all being family members and they are all aunts and uncles so I have never had a role of authority over them.  They are telling me that I have to let them bring a date because they are not married.  I don't know what to tell them to get them to leave it alone and realize that I do want them at my wedding but there is no room for their guests.  Any suggestions?

    The bad news: you still do not have a role of authority over your aunts and uncles. Your role is one of hospitality -- considering their needs, thinking of their comfort before your own, honouring them as guests; not authority. But the good news is that as hostess, you do have authority over your guest-list: you get to decide whom you will offer hospitality to, within polite limits.

    If your guests are not married (or equivalent-to-married, meaning living together non-platonically) and are not engaged (or equivalent-to-engaged, meaning they have made it clear in their social circle that they consider themselves a committed couple) then you do not need to invite escorts for them. You'll hear on this board that anyone who considers themselves to be in any sort of a relationship is entitled to an invitation for their chosen escort, but that is a kNot-etiquette rule rather than a rule of standard etiquette, and also nonsense: you cannot read people's minds to know what they consider about themselves, and there are all sorts of types of relationship that do not warrant recognition at a celebration of commitment, which is what a wedding is.

    You say the same thing to people who are looking to turn your wedding into date-night, that you would say to people trying to turn it into a high-school reunion or a family children's party or a neighbourhood block party: "Oh, aunty, I am so sorry but we really are not able to extend any additional informations. I do hope you can attend anyway." If you are really lucky, you find a dragon-lady auntie or grandma who is not labouring under an impression of entitlement, and let her invoke the power of the Aunt Mafia on unruly relatives, in your support.

    Best of luck, and may you have a lovely wedding.

    (Oh, and it is obvious to me that the reason one has a DJ for an event under about twenty people, is to play music for dancing to. Where is it written that you cannot have dancing at a small party?)

    Obviously the DJ is for dancing. No one said you can't dance at a small party. But she's decided that having a DJ is more important than inviting SO's (based on her statement of having a tight budget). Priorities need to be adjusted.

    Edited for clarity.
  • TakerFan1 said:
    I am having a small wedding (family and a few very close friends only).  I am on a tight budget so we have a small venue (our current guest list is 6 people below capacity of the room and that does not include me, my fiance, or a photographer, caterer, DJ, any of that.)  I already have people in my family asking to bring their boyfriends / girlfriends and I don't know how to tell them no without offending them or turning them off from coming to my wedding.  With it all being family members and they are all aunts and uncles so I have never had a role of authority over them.  They are telling me that I have to let them bring a date because they are not married.  I don't know what to tell them to get them to leave it alone and realize that I do want them at my wedding but there is no room for their guests.  Any suggestions?

    The bad news: you still do not have a role of authority over your aunts and uncles. Your role is one of hospitality -- considering their needs, thinking of their comfort before your own, honouring them as guests; not authority. But the good news is that as hostess, you do have authority over your guest-list: you get to decide whom you will offer hospitality to, within polite limits.

    If your guests are not married (or equivalent-to-married, meaning living together non-platonically) and are not engaged (or equivalent-to-engaged, meaning they have made it clear in their social circle that they consider themselves a committed couple) then you do not need to invite escorts for them. You'll hear on this board that anyone who considers themselves to be in any sort of a relationship is entitled to an invitation for their chosen escort, but that is a kNot-etiquette rule rather than a rule of standard etiquette, I'm pretty sure this is a Miss Manner's rule as well, and she is supposedly an etiquette authority. . . plus it is just common sense and common courtesy!  and also nonsense: you cannot read people's minds to know what they consider about themselves, and there are all sorts of types of relationship that do not warrant recognition at a celebration of commitment, which is what a wedding is.  We have been over this again and again and again- It's very easy to figure out if your relatives and friends are in a relationship- YOU JUST FREAKING ASK THEM!!!  No mind reading involved.  Then you leave it to them to decide if they want to bring that person to your wedding or not.

    You say the same thing to people who are looking to turn your wedding into date-night, that you would say to people trying to turn it into a high-school reunion or a family children's party or a neighbourhood block party: "Oh, aunty, I am so sorry but we really are not able to extend any additional informations. I do hope you can attend anyway." If you are really lucky, you find a dragon-lady auntie or grandma who is not labouring under an impression of entitlement, and let her invoke the power of the Aunt Mafia on unruly relatives, in your support.

    Best of luck, and may you have a lovely wedding.

    (Oh, and it is obvious to me that the reason one has a DJ for an event under about twenty people, is to play music for dancing to. Where is it written that you cannot have dancing at a small party?)



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • phira said:
    If the requirement for considering ourselves a couple = being married, I'm just done, y'all.

    Seriously. I guess the first 10+ years FI and I were dating was just screwing around!
    ~*~*~*~*~

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