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How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?

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Re: How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?

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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    Jesus, did TK send a link out to this thread in one of their e-newsletters?



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    happywigglehappywiggle member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    Jesus, did TK send a link out to this thread in one of their e-newsletters?


    It's on the homepage. That could be why. 
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    Dignity100Dignity100 member
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    This whole situation is rude.  Can you call your venue and see if they have any additional space (I'm not sure where your venue is but I know some do section off rooms and have more than 1 space available for events)?

    If either I was invited to an event and SO was not (or the other way around) - I wouldn't even consider the invite!!  There would be a bit of talking behind the person's back about how it was rude.  Now - after I replied and said 'Sorry, I will not be attending because I would like to spend time with my SO - have a happy life' and I found out you gave MY SPOT to somebody else's SO that was also not initially invited, I would be LIVID.

    Put yourself in their shoes - how would you feel?  I'm sure deep down (even if you're not willing to admit it) you'd feel that somebody was judging your relationship and was basically saying they did not approve of it and/or they were thoughtless and careless not to think to include SOs.


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    crunchymamaof2 crunchymamaof2 member
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    Seriously, the world isn't going to end if your aunt's boyfriend is there. Or any other significant other. Please, tell me what's the worst thing that could happen? That you get a picture or two that includes the "stranger"? And/or they break up the following week? So what?! Put the picture in a box (hell burn it for all I care) and drop it.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

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    DavidandMaddieDavidandMaddie member
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    I can honestly tell you I cut out a lot of +1's in my wedding and we even have a big venue and list. Bottom line is I am paying for the food and the # of people attending, we made a rule that I feel worked quite nicely. You get a +1 if you are married, living together or engaged. I felt like this covered most couples. I am sorry all these people are hounding you about not thinking about this beforehand. Just be open and honest when people ask you "hey can I have a plus one" and kindly respond with "unfortunatly due to budget and the limitations of our venue we had to be minimal with our invites and could not add significant others. We understand if this doesn't work for you but really hope to see you there."

     

    I think we had to tell this to maybe 6 guests they totally understood and all RSVP's to come anyways. Best of luck!

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    phiraphira member
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    DavidandMaddie said:

    I can honestly tell you I cut out a lot of +1's in my wedding and we even have a big venue and list. Bottom line is I am paying for the food and the # of people attending, we made a rule that I feel worked quite nicely. You get a +1 if you are married, living together or engaged. I felt like this covered most couples. I am sorry all these people are hounding you about not thinking about this beforehand. Just be open and honest when people ask you "hey can I have a plus one" and kindly respond with "unfortunatly due to budget and the limitations of our venue we had to be minimal with our invites and could not add significant others. We understand if this doesn't work for you but really hope to see you there."

     

    I think we had to tell this to maybe 6 guests they totally understood and all RSVP's to come anyways. Best of luck!

    It's really rude and judgmental to decide that relationships aren't good enough to be considered if people aren't living together, engaged, or married. You don't get to decide whose relationships are "strong" or "serious" enough to warrant an invitation as a couple. It's really, really unkind, especially on a day where you're trying to celebrate YOUR relationship.

    The way to get around this is to cut couples from your guest list, and when you're building your initial guest list and making your initial budget, you include significant others and potential significant others so you can make sure you have room for everyone.

    The people you say "understood" and RSVPed yes? I'm guessing that they're still really bummed out and don't want to seem petty by skipping your wedding. I've acted like I'm okay with stuff like that when I don't want to rock the boat. It doesn't mean that you're not upsetting anyone. And again, it's really, really rude, so just because some of your guests didn't get upset with you (to your face), you're still doing something rude.
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    MGPMGP member
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    DavidandMaddie said:

    I can honestly tell you I cut out a lot of +1's in my wedding and we even have a big venue and list. Bottom line is I am paying for the food and the # of people attending, we made a rule that I feel worked quite nicely. You get a +1 if you are married, living together or engaged. I felt like this covered most couples.

    No, this is very rude.  Why are you penalizing the people who may be serious but not ready to make the deeply responsible and mature decision to get married?  So according to your "rule" these people would have been excluded from being invited to the following weddings:

    My boyfriend (now husband) to my brother and SIL's wedding.  For the record - he proposed 6 months later.

    My boyfriend (now husband) to my close friend's wedding where I was MOH and we had known the couple FOR FIVE YEARS.

    My cousin's boyfriend (now husband of 22 years) to her own sister's wedding.  For the record he proposed the week after their wedding because he didn't want to take the attention away from his future SIL.

    My BFF's boyfriend (now husband) because they weren't engaged at the time I made the guest list.

    If any of those relationships ended it still doesn't make a rat's ass worth of difference.

    How excluding anyone based on how serious you judge their relationship makes sense to anyone boggles my mind.
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    MobKazMobKaz member
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    DavidandMaddie said:

    I can honestly tell you I cut out a lot of +1's in my wedding and we even have a big venue and list. Bottom line is I am paying for the food and the # of people attending, we made a rule that I feel worked quite nicely. You get a +1 if you are married, living together or engaged. I felt like this covered most couples. I am sorry all these people are hounding you about not thinking about this beforehand. Just be open and honest when people ask you "hey can I have a plus one" and kindly respond with "unfortunatly due to budget and the limitations of our venue we had to be minimal with our invites and could not add significant others. We understand if this doesn't work for you but really hope to see you there."

     

    I think we had to tell this to maybe 6 guests they totally understood and all RSVP's to come anyways. Best of luck!


    You acknowledge that these people are significant in the relationship and yet refused to include them in the invitation??  Until you actually know etiquette, please stop offering poor advice on an etiquette board.
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    AroundTheBlockAroundTheBlock member
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    DavidandMaddie:

    ... we made a rule that I feel worked quite nicely. You get a +1 if you are married, living together or engaged....

    You may be reassured to consider how well this advice reflects the following passage. I am informed that 'Miss Manners is the queen of Etiquette herself' and this is from Miss Manners' Guide for the Turn-Of-The-Millennium, page 604:

    No, guests should not be allowed to invite their own guests to weddings, but there are "extras" and extras. Miss Manners would back you in refusing requests on behalf of friends, dates, and perfectly divine people whom one met in a health club last week. You do not invite one member of a socially-recognized couple o a purely social function, such as a wedding, without inviting the other. You know yourself that you can't stand Uncle Horace bu that you could not possibly invite Aunt Flora to come without him.

    The difficulty, of course, is defining such a couple. Traditionally, fiances, as well as spouses, have always qualified. By general consensus, like it or not, people who have set up housekeeping together, declaring themselves to be a social unit, are also recognized.

    If, on the other hand, you follow the advice to "Google this:  Plus One at weddings", you get the following advice in the top nine non-crowd-sourced references (not a top ten, because after eliminating crowd-sourced sites and personal blogs, there really are only about nine sources that deal with the question):

    huffingtonpost:
    Regarding “plus ones,” the general rule is that couples who are married, engaged, or living together must be invited together, even if you haven’t met your friend’s significant other.

    about.com:
    Hopefully you've made an across-the-board rule and applied it equally. (For example: We're inviting all spouses, fiancés, and live-in partners. All other guests are invited solo.)

    BBC News (quoting Debrett's):
    Now, while there is no generally accepted rule, if the guest is married or in an established, long-term relationship, his or her other half should be invited. But family should always come before friends.

    Etiquette Adviser     (Martha Stewart):
    If your relatives or friends are engaged to be married, their fiances (or fiancees) must be invited; their live-in romantic partners must be as well. However, if they are only dating, you need not invite their boyfriend or girlfriend.

    NY Times:
    The standard is that a guest’s spouse, partner or fiancé should also be invited. Nowadays, it’s also widely accepted that people in a serious relationship are invited as a couple, but doing so is entirely up to the hosts.

    Emily Post:
    Brides and grooms should be aware that spouses, fiancé(e)s and live-in romantic partners (no matter the sex) must be invited with your guests; boyfriends and girlfriends who don’t reside together don’t need to be.

    tressugar:
    all spouses, fiancés, and live-in partners should be invited. As for long-term boyfriends and girlfriends, it's more or less up to you, but it's smart to go with a hard-and-fast rule — all or none — to keep things fair across the board.

    Bridal Guide:
    You needn't invite every single person to your wedding with a guest. In fact, most couples today don't unless they have an unlimited budget. You should, however, include partners of the following people:
    • Everyone who is married (even if you don't know their spouse)
    • Couples who are engaged
    • Couples who are living together
    • Guests who have had a steady significant other for so long that it would seem awkward not to include their partners.
    The last instance is a judgment call, but in most cases your gut will tell you what to do.

    BRIDES:
    You're expected to invite the spouses, fiancés, live-in partners, and serious beaus of your guests, but anyone less committed can fly solo.

    Every single site returned by googling "Plus One at weddings" disagrees with what is being preached here on the kNot-etiquette board. So no, you cannot make up your own rules -- which means no making up the new rule that "you must invite every significant other, even if they have only been together for five miutes". What is actually needed, is nuance. Certainly there are non-cohabiting unengaged couples, that are a socially recognized couple -- and if they are part of a hostess's social sphere, then she probably already socializes with both of them and has them both on her invitation list. On the other hand, there are definately individuals who, recognizing that they themselves are not ready to commit to engagement or cohabitation, are perfectly willing to accept that their friends do not attribute to them more commitment than they themselves feel. And anyone who has had a "significant other" for only five minutes, has had lots of familiarity not being with their new crush and can doubtless survive for one more evening without being emotionally wounded.
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    grumbledoregrumbledore member
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    DavidandMaddie said:

    I can honestly tell you I cut out a lot of +1's in my wedding and we even have a big venue and list. Bottom line is I am paying for the food and the # of people attending, we made a rule that I feel worked quite nicely. You get a +1 if you are married, living together or engaged. I felt like this covered most couples. I am sorry all these people are hounding you about not thinking about this beforehand. Just be open and honest when people ask you "hey can I have a plus one" and kindly respond with "unfortunatly due to budget and the limitations of our venue we had to be minimal with our invites and could not add significant others. We understand if this doesn't work for you but really hope to see you there."

     

    I think we had to tell this to maybe 6 guests they totally understood and all RSVP's to come anyways. Best of luck!

    So, those 6 people would have broken the bank with your "big venue and list?"  Don't bother trying to justify your rudeness here.

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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    banana468 said:
    ATB has also picked the Miss Manners quote that serves this particular platform of her Monday diatribe. Miss Manners has also said that a couple is two people who identify themselves as in a social unit.
    That's because ATB is crazypants. You're also, per her rules, not allowed to write children's names on the invites in case the neighbourhood pedo sees those names and sexually molests the kids through their names. 

    What about people who don't live together for religious or cultural reasons? Do they not get invited with their SOs because they're not living together? That's you passing judgement on their relationship, assuming it can't be as serious as yours because they're not having sex.


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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Thank you for this.
    AroundTheBlock said:

    DavidandMaddie:

    ... we made a rule that I feel worked quite nicely. You get a +1 if you are married, living together or engaged....

    You may be reassured to consider how well this advice reflects the following passage. I am informed that 'Miss Manners is the queen of Etiquette herself' and this is from Miss Manners' Guide for the Turn-Of-The-Millennium, page 604:

    No, guests should not be allowed to invite their own guests to weddings, but there are "extras" and extras. Miss Manners would back you in refusing requests on behalf of friends, dates, and perfectly divine people whom one met in a health club last week. You do not invite one member of a socially-recognized couple o a purely social function, such as a wedding, without inviting the other. You know yourself that you can't stand Uncle Horace bu that you could not possibly invite Aunt Flora to come without him.

    The difficulty, of course, is defining such a couple. Traditionally, fiances, as well as spouses, have always qualified. By general consensus, like it or not, people who have set up housekeeping together, declaring themselves to be a social unit, are also recognized.

    If, on the other hand, you follow the advice to "Google this:  Plus One at weddings", you get the following advice in the top nine non-crowd-sourced references (not a top ten, because after eliminating crowd-sourced sites and personal blogs, there really are only about nine sources that deal with the question):

    huffingtonpost:
    Regarding “plus ones,” the general rule is that couples who are married, engaged, or living together must be invited together, even if you haven’t met your friend’s significant other.

    about.com:
    Hopefully you've made an across-the-board rule and applied it equally. (For example: We're inviting all spouses, fiancés, and live-in partners. All other guests are invited solo.)

    BBC News (quoting Debrett's):
    Now, while there is no generally accepted rule, if the guest is married or in an established, long-term relationship, his or her other half should be invited. But family should always come before friends.

    Etiquette Adviser     (Martha Stewart):
    If your relatives or friends are engaged to be married, their fiances (or fiancees) must be invited; their live-in romantic partners must be as well. However, if they are only dating, you need not invite their boyfriend or girlfriend.

    NY Times:
    The standard is that a guest’s spouse, partner or fiancé should also be invited. Nowadays, it’s also widely accepted that people in a serious relationship are invited as a couple, but doing so is entirely up to the hosts.

    Emily Post:
    Brides and grooms should be aware that spouses, fiancé(e)s and live-in romantic partners (no matter the sex) must be invited with your guests; boyfriends and girlfriends who don’t reside together don’t need to be.

    tressugar:
    all spouses, fiancés, and live-in partners should be invited. As for long-term boyfriends and girlfriends, it's more or less up to you, but it's smart to go with a hard-and-fast rule — all or none — to keep things fair across the board.

    Bridal Guide:
    You needn't invite every single person to your wedding with a guest. In fact, most couples today don't unless they have an unlimited budget. You should, however, include partners of the following people:
    • Everyone who is married (even if you don't know their spouse)
    • Couples who are engaged
    • Couples who are living together
    • Guests who have had a steady significant other for so long that it would seem awkward not to include their partners.
    The last instance is a judgment call, but in most cases your gut will tell you what to do.

    BRIDES:
    You're expected to invite the spouses, fiancés, live-in partners, and serious beaus of your guests, but anyone less committed can fly solo.

    Every single site returned by googling "Plus One at weddings" disagrees with what is being preached here on the kNot-etiquette board. So no, you cannot make up your own rules -- which means no making up the new rule that "you must invite every significant other, even if they have only been together for five miutes". What is actually needed, is nuance. Certainly there are non-cohabiting unengaged couples, that are a socially recognized couple -- and if they are part of a hostess's social sphere, then she probably already socializes with both of them and has them both on her invitation list. On the other hand, there are definately individuals who, recognizing that they themselves are not ready to commit to engagement or cohabitation, are perfectly willing to accept that their friends do not attribute to them more commitment than they themselves feel. And anyone who has had a "significant other" for only five minutes, has had lots of familiarity not being with their new crush and can doubtless survive for one more evening without being emotionally wounded.

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    phiraphira member
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    @michellex413 ATB routinely gives absurd advice that's intentionally contradictory to actual wedding etiquette. For example, ATB has insisted that you should never put a child's name on an envelope (even if you need to address mail to a child, like a birthday card), because it will alert neighborhood pedophiles and make the child a target. Please do not take their advice.
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    abbyj700abbyj700 member
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    I'm always super confused by the not putting a kids name on the outside of an invite "because pedophiles" talk. Do you keep your kid inside 24/7 to protect them from all these mail reading neighbors? Are they homeschooled and only allowed to play in the privacy fenced in yard that no one can see in to? 

    Because to me a creeper could much easily scope out your child in their every day life rather than sneak on to your porch and go through your mail looking for wedding invitations every day...
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