The whole +1 dilemma..

jaime232

This is so strange to me.. I have a friend coming to the wedding who is aware she's invited, no biggie.. but she keeps telling me how she's trying to figure out who she's going to bring as her guest (she's perpetually single).  In what world is it just assumed that she would get a guest?  For example, she may bring her sister-in-law (brother's wife).  Or a guy she's had a crush on for the last 5 years.  This makes NO sense to me.  We haven't sent invitations yet, so do I just assume she'll figure it out when it comes addressed solely to her?

PrettyGirlLost

jaime232 said:

This is so strange to me.. I have a friend coming to the wedding who is aware she's invited, no biggie.. but she keeps telling me how she's trying to figure out who she's going to bring as her guest (she's perpetually single).  In what world is it just assumed that she would get a guest?  For example, she may bring her sister-in-law (brother's wife).  Or a guy she's had a crush on for the last 5 years.  This makes NO sense to me.  We haven't sent invitations yet, so do I just assume she'll figure it out when it comes addressed solely to her?

If she starts dating someone before you send out the invitations, then you need to invite him/her by name no matter if they have been dating for 5 minutes at that time.

If she is single by the time you send out the invites, then do as you planned above and if she RSVP's for two, call her up and gently explain that the invitation is only for her.

melbelleup

You might want to tell her that you don't have room to extend a plus one to her in advance before she asks someone to attend with her

HisGirlFriday13

jaime232 said:

This is so strange to me.. I have a friend coming to the wedding who is aware she's invited, no biggie.. but she keeps telling me how she's trying to figure out who she's going to bring as her guest (she's perpetually single).  In what world is it just assumed that she would get a guest?  For example, she may bring her sister-in-law (brother's wife).  Or a guy she's had a crush on for the last 5 years.  This makes NO sense to me.  We haven't sent invitations yet, so do I just assume she'll figure it out when it comes addressed solely to her?

God only knows, but people do it all the time.

I would, as PP suggested, tell her now, gently, that truly single people won't be invited with a plus-one, so she doesn't got asking someone to be her date.

Obviously, if she does, the rudeness is on her, but since you know she's planning on bringing someone, it's probably a good idea to warn her in advance that she's not going to be afforded a plus-one.

Jen4948

Just let her know that the invitation is for her only because single people are not being invited with plus-ones.

grumbledore

I think a lot of people assume they will get a plus one because a lot of people don't like to go to weddings alone.  Really, the best option is to allow everyone a date who is single.  That said, you are not required to, and if she is not seeing someone when invites go out, you don't have to give her a plus one.  I would let it lie for the moment and if she's single when invites go out but RSVPs with a guest, do like PPs advised and gently let her know that the invitation was only for her.

jaime232

Okay, thanks all!  She knows a few of my friends so she wouldn't be a lone wolf out there, but see what you mean.  We're just extending beyond our max attendance count right now so there isn't a lot of wiggle room.  Plus I just found it sort of off-putting that she made that assumption.  Made me wonder if I was doing something wrong!  Haha

phira

Yeah, it's definitely weird when people make assumptions because then you think, "Wait ... did I DO something to make them think this was happening?" And then of course, "How do I fix this without being rude?" It's stressful.

I think your plan makes sense. Wait till you're sending out invitations, and if she's not in a relationship, send her the invitation to just her. When she inevitably RSVPs for a date, call her up, and be polite but firm.

Then reward yourself with either an alcoholic beverage, a dessert, or both.

HisGirlFriday13

jaime232 said:

Okay, thanks all!  She knows a few of my friends so she wouldn't be a lone wolf out there, but see what you mean.  We're just extending beyond our max attendance count right now so there isn't a lot of wiggle room.  Plus I just found it sort of off-putting that she made that assumption.  Made me wonder if I was doing something wrong!  Haha

Wait, what does this mean? That you're above the max your venue can hold, or you're above the max your budget can host?

Both are problems, but the former is more serious. Please, please, PLEASE -- plan for 100% attendance. Search the boards; there are horror stories of brides who over-invited because they'd heard some made-up rule that 10% or 15% or 20% of people will decline.

DO NOT ASSUME THAT. There are brides who have, and who have had 100% attendance (or close to it) and who have found that they are over venue capacity.

If you're over what your budget can host, then that's also a problem, but you have time to scale down some things -- downgrade from full open bar to hosted beer and wine, for example, or have less-expensive flowers and centrepieces. 

kgd7357

I hate when people assume. We aren't inviting any non-family kids, and one of my dad's friends daughters literally sent my dad a Facebook message telling them him that she booked her flight and was excited to see everyone. We are currently dealing with this dilemma, since it's an overseas flight, ugh. 

I'm also just finishing updating my invite list with most current addresses, and checking SOs names. For my single friends, I've emailed them to 1) double check their addy, and 2) wrote "hey, we are just finishing up our invite list, and its really tight, but we wanted to make sure to include everyones SOs before we add anyone else to the list. Have you started seeing anyone recently?" If they have, of course I added them, but if they haven't hopefully it'll be clear when they have an invite addressed just to them that it's for one. Here's to hoping. 

cowgirl8238

HisGirlFriday13 said:

jaime232 said:

Okay, thanks all!  She knows a few of my friends so she wouldn't be a lone wolf out there, but see what you mean.  We're just extending beyond our max attendance count right now so there isn't a lot of wiggle room.  Plus I just found it sort of off-putting that she made that assumption.  Made me wonder if I was doing something wrong!  Haha

Wait, what does this mean? That you're above the max your venue can hold, or you're above the max your budget can host?

Both are problems, but the former is more serious. Please, please, PLEASE -- plan for 100% attendance. Search the boards; there are horror stories of brides who over-invited because they'd heard some made-up rule that 10% or 15% or 20% of people will decline.

DO NOT ASSUME THAT. There are brides who have, and who have had 100% attendance (or close to it) and who have found that they are over venue capacity.

If you're over what your budget can host, then that's also a problem, but you have time to scale down some things -- downgrade from full open bar to hosted beer and wine, for example, or have less-expensive flowers and centrepieces. 

I second all of this!!!!!!!!!

Personally I don't like to go near the venues maximum because even there it gets really crowded, but NEVER EVER invite a single person over the venue max!  How embarassing would it be to have to turn people away at the door because your at capacity.

Even on the budget side its a bad idea to over-invite!