MOH (sister) has new baby she wants to bring to wedding in Italy

Jackie3250

My youngest daughter is planning a wedding in Italy. Her older sister, MOH, will have a 5 month old baby by the time of the wedding. Older sister is adamant about bringing the baby, and bride and groom don't want children at ceremony and reception. I've suggested a babysitter, but older daughter isn't comfortable with hotel babysitter. Suggestions? Help!!

OliveOilsMom

Jackie3250 said:

My youngest daughter is planning a wedding in Italy. Her older sister, MOH, will have a 5 month old baby by the time of the wedding. Older sister is adamant about bringing the baby, and bride and groom don't want children at ceremony and reception. I've suggested a babysitter, but older daughter isn't comfortable with hotel babysitter. Suggestions? Help!!

You should let your daughters figure this out on their own.  You getting in the middle will only be disastrous.  If I were in your older daughter's shoes, I would absolutely be saying the same thing as her.  No way would I be leaving a 5 month old with a stranger in a foreign country!  If I would not be allowed to bring my 5 month old, I would just stay home and not go altogether.  Your younger daughter needs to decide what is more important, having a kids free wedding or allowing her sister to attend.

Jackie3250

Great advice! Thank you!

HisGirlFriday13

Agree with staying out of it. But your younger daughter is being ridiculously selfish.

singinchick13

Ditto PP's.....my son is almost six months and we have never let anyone besides his grandparents watch him. He still makes strange with people he sees on a weekly basis sometimes, so leaving him with a total stranger would absolutely NOT happen.

MyNameIsNot

I agree that you should stay out of it, but I'd be pretty upset with my daughter if she grew up to be as selfish as your youngest.  

She seriously thinks her sister should leave the country without her infant child?  Or leave the infant child with a sitter in a foreign country?  Hopefully this is a moment of insanity and not a reflection of her typical behavior.  

Hopefully your youngest will see the light before the older one gives up and decides to just stay home.  

MairePoppy

I think your youngest daughter is being unreasonable. She's asking her sister to chose between her baby's well being and her wedding. If I were the older sister, I'd step down and stay home.

Is the bride afraid the baby is going to steal attention from her?

ei34

Ditto PPs. I can't imagine asking my sister (or anyone) to leave a child with a sitter in a foreign country. I agree that you should let them come to a solution themselves, but I'd be scratching my head wondering what made my younger daughter so entitled.

MairePoppy

I get what everyone is saying about letting the two adult sisters settle this between themselves, but as the mother of adults, I'd still have a 'come to Jesus' talk with the bride. @Jackie3250 's daughter might not like it, but this situation could have long term negative affects on her relationship with her sister. 

I kept my opinions to myself when my daughter and SIL were planning their wedding. But there was this one serious etiquette breech they were considering- honeymoon registry -YIKES! They are normally very polite and considerate people and I felt it was my duty to tell my daughter the truth about that. She thanked me for preventing her from embarrassing herself. 

PrettyGirlLost

Jackie3250 said:

My youngest daughter is planning a wedding in Italy. Her older sister, MOH, will have a 5 month old baby by the time of the wedding. Older sister is adamant about bringing the baby, and bride and groom don't want children at ceremony and reception. I've suggested a babysitter, but older daughter isn't comfortable with hotel babysitter. Suggestions? Help!!

Oh brother.  Did you raise your youngest daughter to be selfish and to not think?

She is planning a DW in Italy and her own sister will have a 5 month old child at the time. . . yeah, I wouldn't be willing to fly across the world without my infant child just to attend a wedding- even if it was my own sister's wedding- and especially if I was breastfeeding.  And I sure as hell would not leave my baby with a stranger in a strange land.

Stay out of it, and let your adult children sort this out.  But I sincerely hope your youngest daughter starts acting and thinking like an adult.  If not, then you might want to have a little Come to Jesus chat with her.

Sure, it's fine to have a child free wedding, but you need to use common sense and courtesy, people.

HisGirlFriday13

MairePoppy said:

I get what everyone is saying about letting the two adult sisters settle this between themselves, but as the mother of adults, I'd still have a 'come to Jesus' talk with the bride. @Jackie3250 's daughter might not like it, but this situation could have long term negative affects on her relationship with her sister. 

I kept my opinions to myself when my daughter and SIL were planning their wedding. But there was this one serious etiquette breech they were considering- honeymoon registry -YIKES! They are normally very polite and considerate people and I felt it was my duty to tell my daughter the truth about that. She thanked me for preventing her from embarrassing herself. 

Mama HisGirl would have had a come-to-Jesus talk with me had I tried to pull this tomfoolery. Mama HisGirl DID have several come-to-Jesus talks with Brother HisGirl when brother and SIL were planning on doing rude things (an hour-long, un-hosted gap, for example).

But Mama HisGirl has also never been afraid to tell her children, even as adults, when we're about to do something rude. If you have that dynamic with your child, that's great, but it comes from a lifetime of teaching your children manners and of correcting their behaviour when they're wrong.

banana468

I absolutely think you can speak up as the mother of the two.

I'm also one of the first people to say that a couple has every right to an adult event and the OP'S daughter does too. However with that comes the issue that the sister of the bride won't be able to attend. There is no way I'd leave me 5 mo at home to fly to Europe especially if this is a DW for all.

Sugargirl1019

I think an exception for the baby should be made because it's a bridal party member, as long as dad is in the audience caring for the baby. Sister is standing up next to the bride, so let them bring their little one.

A come to Jesus talk is appropriate here so relationships aren't ruined.

MrsMarende

If it is truly important to your younger daughter to have no kids perhaps she can offer to pay the expenses of flight, hotel, food and fee to have someone of your older daughters choosing travel with them to care for the child during the wedding. 

That's a lot of money to keep out one small child. O.o

Bubblegum5586

I also wanted no kids at my wedding! Then I started getting texts from cousins and friends in other states asking about their kids since they were traveling in (all babies around 1 year and younger). I realized then that no way could I ask these people I love dearly to leave their little one at home or find a sitter in a place they don't know! I had about 4 kids/babies there and everything was perfectly fine! Having a few babies at your wedding is very different then a "kid friendly wedding". I know I didn't want 4-10 year olds running around....

I have 1 (younger) sister and sometimes my mom tries to talk us down when we fight and we tell her to butt out.... but sometimes she does help us see the other side. We are all very close and manage to resolve conflicts quickly. I think you should talk with your youngest and have her see it from her sisters side. And having 1 baby there is NBD!!!

Also - This is her soon to be niece/nephew she will likely fall madly in love before the wedding and her feelings on the whole situation may change!

grumbledore

Jackie3250 said:

My youngest daughter is planning a wedding in Italy. Her older sister, MOH, will have a 5 month old baby by the time of the wedding. Older sister is adamant about bringing the baby, and bride and groom don't want children at ceremony and reception. I've suggested a babysitter, but older daughter isn't comfortable with hotel babysitter. Suggestions? Help!!

My suggestion is that youngest daughter get over herself and allow her sister and MOH to bring her tiny baby along on the trip.  Like hell would I leave my 5 month old with a stranger at a hotel in a foreign country.

aurianna

OP,

If your daughterBride wants no kids at the wedding, that is her prerogative. She is not bad or immature for wanting that.
However... your daughterMoH is totally in the right for not wanting to leave the country without her child / not wanting to go to Europe without her partner / not wanting a stranger to watch her child in a foreign country / not wanting to pay to bring a non-stranger to Europe to watch her child.

Being a sister is important... but I think being a good wife/SO and mother is more important (would you agree?).
If your daughterMoH chooses not to go to the wedding so she can be a good mother, she is not in the wrong.

Your DaughterBride should not feel pressured to invite the child, but she should be made aware that if her sister chooses to be mother and stay with her child in the US, that it isn't because she doesn't also love her sister.

Your DaughterBride has two choices: welcome her niece/nephew to the wedding (especially since he'll probably just sleep the whole time) and have her sister beside her... or graciously accept her sister's decline and know that she's still receiving her love and support from afar.

doeydo

I definitely don't think it is selfish for a couple to want a child-free wedding, my goodness.  The younger sister will just have to decide to keep the wedding child-free and have her sister not attend or to allow the sister to bring the baby.  Neither option is wrong, IMO.  

Maggie0829

Having a child free wedding is fine.  But when you are having a DW on another continent across the ocean then concessions need to be made.  It is beyond ridiculous to even think your older daughter would be comfortable leaving her 5 month old son behind while she attends her sisters wedding in Italy.  It is also ridiculous to think that your older daughter would be fine leaving her son with a hotel babysitter who most likely does not speak fluent English and that she has never met before.  What the hell is going through your mind?!  You are a Mother, would you have felt comfortable with either of those options?

larrygaga

I don't even know if I would want to travel with a 5 month old

MairePoppy

Ditto Maggie, nothing wrong with wanting a child free wedding, but a DW is a game changer. The bride might as well tell her sister to stay home because she's making it nearly impossible for her to attend. 

PrettyGirlLost

aurianna said:

OP,

If your daughterBride wants no kids at the wedding, that is her prerogative. She is not bad or immature for wanting that.

doeydo said:

I definitely don't think it is selfish for a couple to want a child-free wedding, my goodness.

Maggie0829 said:

Having a child free wedding is fine.  But when you are having a DW on another continent across the ocean then concessions need to be made.  It is beyond ridiculous to even think your older daughter would be comfortable leaving her 5 month old son behind while she attends her sisters wedding in Italy.  It is also ridiculous to think that your older daughter would be fine leaving her son with a hotel babysitter who most likely does not speak fluent English and that she has never met before.  What the hell is going through your mind?!  You are a Mother, would you have felt comfortable with either of those options?

@aurianna and @doeydo- Yes, it is selfish to expect your own sister to leave your 5 month old niece at home so that you can have a child free DW in Italy.  It is selfish to expect your own sister to leave your 5 month old niece with a stranger in a foreign country so that you can have a child free DW in Italy.

And I am saying this as a bride to be who isn't inviting a ton of kids to my own wedding because I want it to be largely child free.  But I am inviting my niece/nephew who will only be 7 months old at the time and will be breastfeeding.

There comes a time when ppl need to get a grip and use common sense.  A DW on the other side of the world would be one of those times, no matter how "etiquette justified" a bride might be having a child free wedding.

doeydo

She isn't ripping the baby from her sister's arms, she just isn't inviting the baby.  It sounds like the sister won't attend because of that (which is perfectly justified, I am not judging a mom for not wanting to leave her baby) unless the bride changes her mind.

Maggie0829

doeydo said:

She isn't ripping the baby from her sister's arms, she just isn't inviting the baby.  It sounds like the sister won't attend because of that (which is perfectly justified, I am not judging a mom for not wanting to leave her baby) unless the bride changes her mind.

But I will judge a sister and the mother of the older daughter who think it is perfectly acceptable to expect and be upset that the sister is choosing her baby over this persons wedding.  I also judge the fact that this person is an immediate family member, not just a friend of the couple or family and she is being asked to leave a 5 month old baby (nephew of the bride and grandson of the MOB) at home or with a stranger in a different country for a few hours.  To expect that of your own sister/daughter is just beyond my comprehension.