Uninviting the Driver

RosePetal2014

My FI and I are trying to keep our wedding guest list down to people we care about them being there because they have had a significant impact on our lives. That said, we have a large age range on this group. Our wedding (ceremony and reception) will be held about 1.5 hours away from where most of the guests live in NY because we live/go to school here and while his family and friends (the larger portion of the guest list) are from CT, my family is from MN and will already be in town for our college graduation. It is a noon ceremony and the reception will be done by 8:00pm (dusk) with the option to leave earlier if necessary.

The issue is one of the older couples (~65) has decided that they cannot drive this far and have invited their daughter (~45) to the wedding so she can be their driver. My FI and I are not ok with this as we have met their daughter once a few months ago and like I said are trying to keep the list small primarily due to budget issues. How can we nicely explain, "look, we don't know you and would rather not have you crash our wedding uninvited"? The older couple has been very nice to my FI and his father for the past 10 years and we would like to have them come, but not if it means breaking the bank or having a gigantic wedding.

KittyKaty20

RosePetal2014 said:

My FI and I are trying to keep our wedding guest list down to people we care about them being there because they have had a significant impact on our lives. That said, we have a large age range on this group. Our wedding (ceremony and reception) will be held about 1.5 hours away from where most of the guests live in NY because we live/go to school here and while his family and friends (the larger portion of the guest list) are from CT, my family is from MN and will already be in town for our college graduation. It is a noon ceremony and the reception will be done by 8:00pm (dusk) with the option to leave earlier if necessary.

The issue is one of the older couples (~65) has decided that they cannot drive this far and have invited their daughter (~45) to the wedding so she can be their driver. My FI and I are not ok with this as we have met their daughter once a few months ago and like I said are trying to keep the list small primarily due to budget issues. How can we nicely explain, "look, we don't know you and would rather not have you crash our wedding uninvited"? The older couple has been very nice to my FI and his father for the past 10 years and we would like to have them come, but not if it means breaking the bank or having a gigantic wedding.

Do you want the couple there? Because they need someone to drive them, and they asked their daughter. As the drive is more than a half hour away, it makes sense that they would ask her to stay for your wedding/reception because that's a 3-hour round trip.

I would not climb this hill and die upon it. Even if the list is small, how much is 1 extra person going to cost?

However, if you really cannot find a way to include this couple's daughter/driver, then you may call them and say: "We cannot add anyone to the guest list. I hope you and your husband are still able to attend." And you must be prepared for them to decline to come; you must be prepared for hurt feelings; and you must be prepared for your FI's father to be upset.

CMGragain

YOU did not invite the daughter/driver.  The couple was out of line by assuming that you wouldn't mind another guest.
You have a choice to make.  You can suck it up and let the girl attend with her parents.  This would be a nice gesture on your part, but you are not obligated to do this.
You can telephone the couple and tell them that you are very sorry, but the guest list is already set and submitted, and that they need to make other transportation arrangements.  This will not go over well, but it was their mistake, not yours.
Think about it before you decide which course of action to take.

bethsmiles

Are they in the wrong for inviting someone to your wedding? Yes. But I do think you are over-reacting. It's not going to blow-up into gigantic wedding because of ONE extra person.

What it really comes down to is, how much you want them there vs. how much you don't want her there. Personally, I'd probably just let this go and invite her. But you don't have to. You absolutely can call them and say you cannot accommodation their daughter.

kmmssg

Yes, they were wrong to invite her but you are seriously overreacting on the " we would like to have them come, but not if it means breaking the bank or having a gigantic wedding".  One extra guest does not give you a gigantic wedding and it should not break your bank.

You are not obligated to have this woman at your wedding but II also don't think this is a hill you should die on.  They have been very nice to your FI and FFIL for the last 10 years and this would be a gracious way to repay that kindness.  

You are certainly in the right to call them and tell them she can't come.  Will that damage this 10 year relationship over a few hours in one day?  Are FI and FFIL ok with that potential outcome?

doeydo

Well, do you know that the daughter now plans on coming to your wedding uninvited, or is she just going to drop off and pick-up her parents?  She may have other plans.

RebeccaFlower

kmmssg said:

Yes, they were wrong to invite her but you are seriously overreacting on the " we would like to have them come, but not if it means breaking the bank or having a gigantic wedding".  One extra guest does not give you a gigantic wedding and it should not break your bank.

You are not obligated to have this woman at your wedding but II also don't think this is a hill you should die on.  They have been very nice to your FI and FFIL for the last 10 years and this would be a gracious way to repay that kindness.  

You are certainly in the right to call them and tell them she can't come.  Will that damage this 10 year relationship over a few hours in one day?  Are FI and FFIL ok with that potential outcome?

This. They were wrong, but you're being dramatic. 

JellyBean52513

Just another thought, OP.... if budget is your concern, maybe you could scale down your wedding? You said you're having a 12p ceremony and your reception is scheduled to end around 8pm. That's a LONG wedding! I know you said people have the option to leave early, but people ALWAYS have the option to leave a wedding whenever they want. If you're providing foods, drinks, and entertainment for a reception that is several hours long, you could probably save some money by cutting that timeframe down, so you can accommodate the couples' driver if their presence is very important to you.

RebeccaB88

While this couple may have not handled things totally correctly (inviting daughter before asking you about it), I think it would be a very kind thing to do to allow her to come with her parents. If this couple is as important to the family as you say, then their presence would be important at the wedding. If they cannot attend without help getting there, then by all means, I'd tell them their daughter is welcome. The family friendship should take precedence over overly-obsessive control of the guest list. I mean, if they were disabled or ill and required a nurse to accompany them, would you deny that too? Could be the same thing I agree that 8 hours is totally too long for a wedding and reception. I'd be shocked if many people are still there after 5 or 6. I'd definitely cut the formal reception shorter, and if you want to keep the party going, arrange for a casual get together after at a restaurant, bar, or club. Just making sure...you are inviting SO's, spouses, boyfriends and girlfriends of your guests, right? Even if you've never met them or they haven't had 'a significant impact' on your lives? Because, if not, then you have a way bigger problem on your hands than someone's driver.

phira

A few thoughts:

- Oh my god, why is your wedding 8 hours long?

- Yes, they were wrong to decide that their daughter was invited. The polite thing to do would have been to ASK you about it. Asking would not have been rude. Declining because they couldn't make the trip would have also been fine.

- As other posters have mentioned, this is one time when an exception could be made. One extra person =/= OH MY GOD THE BUDGET WHAT DO WE DO IT'S ON FIRE. This will not make your wedding gigantic. This will not break the bank. It'll be fine.

So, decide if you want this couple to come to the wedding or not. If yes, then invite the daughter. If no, then call them up and explain that you can't accommodate their daughter. I'd just invite the daughter.

Perspective: My paternal grandparents are in their early 80s, and while they can still drive, they prefer not to drive long distances or at night. They will very likely need a ride to our wedding. However, the only other family members that will be invited from their side of the family are my godmother and my siblings. My godmother is officiating and may not be able to drive them; my sister will be getting a ride with my mom; and my brother lives pretty far away from them.

If they really want to come to the wedding (and maybe they don't: my dad's not invited), there's a chance that they won't be able to get a ride with the above family members. In that case, I would consider letting them bring someone along as a driver, assuming it wasn't my dad. Because of the family drama, having them at my wedding would mean so much to me, and it would be worth adding an extra person.

banana468

I'd make this exception. She either attends and you have an extra person or they don't attend.

DH'S grandmother has been in an assisted living facility or a nursing home for the better part of 10 years. We invited her with an aid to our wedding so MIL and FIL were able to host with my parents and so GMIL was attended to appropriately. It didn't matter that neither of us knew the aid. The grandmother needed to be assisted and that was the best solution.

If one person pushes you over the edge, that's a big budget red flag.

climbingsingle

bethsmiles said:

Are they in the wrong for inviting someone to your wedding? Yes. But I do think you are over-reacting. It's not going to blow-up into gigantic wedding because of ONE extra person.

What it really comes down to is, how much you want them there vs. how much you don't want her there. Personally, I'd probably just let this go and invite her. But you don't have to. You absolutely can call them and say you cannot accommodation their daughter.

Totally agree with this. 

HisGirlFriday13

I agree with @banana468 -- if one person pushes you over your budget capacity, you have huge issues.

It was rude of them to just assume she could come, but you also don't know that she's planning on coming -- she might drive them, drop them off, pick them back up, and never set foot inside your eight-hour-long (OMFG, HOW???) wedding.

But choose whether you want to die on this hill, because refusing to let them bring their daughter/driver might mean they can't come, and they clearly matter to your FI. 

MrsMarende

I am assuming since your guest list is small and you said that every person you invited has had an impact on your lives that it would be very important for this couple to attend your wedding. 

If that is true you have two options:

1. Allow the daughter to attend and drive them there. 

2. Arrange for transportation on your dime. 

It was wrong for them to assume they could invite an extra guest, but that doesn't mean you can't be the bigger person.

zitiqueen

One extra person will tip your guest list from small to gigantic?

PrettyGirlLost

phira said:

A few thoughts:

- Oh my god, why is your wedding 8 hours long?

- Yes, they were wrong to decide that their daughter was invited. The polite thing to do would have been to ASK you about it. Asking would not have been rude. Declining because they couldn't make the trip would have also been fine.

- As other posters have mentioned, this is one time when an exception could be made. One extra person =/= OH MY GOD THE BUDGET WHAT DO WE DO IT'S ON FIRE. This will not make your wedding gigantic. This will not break the bank. It'll be fine.

So, decide if you want this couple to come to the wedding or not. If yes, then invite the daughter. If no, then call them up and explain that you can't accommodate their daughter. I'd just invite the daughter.

Perspective: My paternal grandparents are in their early 80s, and while they can still drive, they prefer not to drive long distances or at night. They will very likely need a ride to our wedding. However, the only other family members that will be invited from their side of the family are my godmother and my siblings. My godmother is officiating and may not be able to drive them; my sister will be getting a ride with my mom; and my brother lives pretty far away from them.

If they really want to come to the wedding (and maybe they don't: my dad's not invited), there's a chance that they won't be able to get a ride with the above family members. In that case, I would consider letting them bring someone along as a driver, assuming it wasn't my dad. Because of the family drama, having them at my wedding would mean so much to me, and it would be worth adding an extra person.

Other PP's have covered the topic at hand very well, I think.

To the bolded- I see these reactions on here all of the time and I have to ask, how long are these weddings you are all accustomed to?!

Most of the weddings I have been to have been 6-8hrs long, not including any after parties.  Yes, older relatives tend to leave after dinner/dessert is served, but they tend to leave all events early.  Everyone else stays and drinks, eats, and dances until later.

beharrington

PrettyGirlLost said:

Most of the weddings I have been to have been 6-8hrs long, not including any after parties.  Yes, older relatives tend to leave after dinner/dessert is served, but they tend to leave all events early.  Everyone else stays and drinks, eats, and dances until later.

Agree with @PrettyGirlLost.

My wedding was from 2pm to 9:30.

Full Catholic Mass from 2:00 to 3:30

Cocktail Hour from 4:30 to 5:30 (gap allowed for drive to reception and for the logistics of the trolley from the hotel and his side of the family to go home and change)

Reception from 5:30 to 9:30

HisGirlFriday13

beharrington said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Most of the weddings I have been to have been 6-8hrs long, not including any after parties.  Yes, older relatives tend to leave after dinner/dessert is served, but they tend to leave all events early.  Everyone else stays and drinks, eats, and dances until later.

Agree with @PrettyGirlLost.

My wedding was from 2pm to 9:30.

Full Catholic Mass from 2:00 to 3:30

Cocktail Hour from 4:30 to 5:30 (gap allowed for drive to reception and for the logistics of the trolley from the hotel and his side of the family to go home and change)

Reception from 5:30 to 9:30

Your wedding was 7.5 hours long because you had an hour-long, unhosted gap because you failed to plan accordingly.

Thus, your wedding was actually 6.5 hours long, because that's all you hosted.

PrettyGirlLost

Ours will be from 3pm-11pm.  Mass is from 3pm- ~4pm, and the reception starts at 5pm to allow for traffic and travel time. 

However, in reality if anyone shows up at the reception at 4:30pm they can enter the venue and begin to have drinks and apps.

phira

@PrettyGirlLost I'm used to weddings that are 5-6 hours long. Ours is going to be 5 hours.

misshart00

I think the difference is that 3-11 covers dinner. Which is pretty standard for a wedding. However, a wedding from 12-8 covers two meal times making logistics weird.

PrettyGirlLost

phira said:

@PrettyGirlLost I'm used to weddings that are 5-6 hours long. Ours is going to be 5 hours.

Gotcha!

beharrington

@HisGirl - Just to clear the air - I did plan accordingly based on all of the input I got from lurking on this board.  The only part unhosted was the drive from the church to the hotel (and bus from hotel to reception).  His entire side (angry at the gap because it wasn't a longer one) rushed home and changed and showed up just in time for dinner.  It was in Houston on the day of a big bike race so we allowed 30 minutes instead of 20 for the drive from the church to the hotel.  15 minutes from Hotel to reception on the bus.  And then people were allowed in at 4:15 for apps and bar opened at 4:30.

ETA:  Responding because I'm touchy about this one.  I worked my butt off to ensure my family and friends were hosted properly while dealing with all the crap from his family who were pissed that I didn't allow them a 5 hour gap per their traditions.

HeatherKat

PrettyGirlLost said:

phira said:

A few thoughts:

- Oh my god, why is your wedding 8 hours long?

- Yes, they were wrong to decide that their daughter was invited. The polite thing to do would have been to ASK you about it. Asking would not have been rude. Declining because they couldn't make the trip would have also been fine.

- As other posters have mentioned, this is one time when an exception could be made. One extra person =/= OH MY GOD THE BUDGET WHAT DO WE DO IT'S ON FIRE. This will not make your wedding gigantic. This will not break the bank. It'll be fine.

So, decide if you want this couple to come to the wedding or not. If yes, then invite the daughter. If no, then call them up and explain that you can't accommodate their daughter. I'd just invite the daughter.

Perspective: My paternal grandparents are in their early 80s, and while they can still drive, they prefer not to drive long distances or at night. They will very likely need a ride to our wedding. However, the only other family members that will be invited from their side of the family are my godmother and my siblings. My godmother is officiating and may not be able to drive them; my sister will be getting a ride with my mom; and my brother lives pretty far away from them.

If they really want to come to the wedding (and maybe they don't: my dad's not invited), there's a chance that they won't be able to get a ride with the above family members. In that case, I would consider letting them bring someone along as a driver, assuming it wasn't my dad. Because of the family drama, having them at my wedding would mean so much to me, and it would be worth adding an extra person.

Other PP's have covered the topic at hand very well, I think.

To the bolded- I see these reactions on here all of the time and I have to ask, how long are these weddings you are all accustomed to?!

Most of the weddings I have been to have been 6-8hrs long, not including any after parties.  Yes, older relatives tend to leave after dinner/dessert is served, but they tend to leave all events early.  Everyone else stays and drinks, eats, and dances until later.

This! I just thought about it-- our ceremony is at 4, cocktail hour at 5, dinner at 6 or so. We have the reception hall until midnight. It's not like guests HAVE to stay until last call, but we fully expect a pretty big chunk of them to. And that's not even counting after bar!

phira

PrettyGirlLost said:

phira said:

@PrettyGirlLost I'm used to weddings that are 5-6 hours long. Ours is going to be 5 hours.

Gotcha!

It does occur to me that I've only ever been to weddings that took place all at one location, and I've never been to any church weddings. So now that I think about it, I'm probably on the shorter end of things.

Blue_Bird

They said they'd "rather not drive", not they "couldn't drive", correct? While to moe, it wouldn't be a huge deal, I also think you would definitely not be in the wrong to tell them "No". At 65, unless they have a disability, they should be fine to drive.

HisGirlFriday13

beharrington said:

@HisGirl - Just to clear the air - I did plan accordingly based on all of the input I got from lurking on this board.  The only part unhosted was the drive from the church to the hotel (and bus from hotel to reception).  His entire side (angry at the gap because it wasn't a longer one) rushed home and changed and showed up just in time for dinner.  It was in Houston on the day of a big bike race so we allowed 30 minutes instead of 20 for the drive from the church to the hotel.  15 minutes from Hotel to reception on the bus.  And then people were allowed in at 4:15 for apps and bar opened at 4:30.

ETA:  Responding because I'm touchy about this one.  I worked my butt off to ensure my family and friends were hosted properly while dealing with all the crap from his family who were pissed that I didn't allow them a 5 hour gap per their traditions.

Wait, what? 

Your OP did not mention the travel time, just the gap, so my apologies for reading that as an hour-long un-hosted gap.

Why did your DH's family change clothes? Why do they have five-hour gaps? WHAT???

beharrington

HisGirlFriday13 said:

beharrington said:

@HisGirl - Just to clear the air - I did plan accordingly based on all of the input I got from lurking on this board.  The only part unhosted was the drive from the church to the hotel (and bus from hotel to reception).  His entire side (angry at the gap because it wasn't a longer one) rushed home and changed and showed up just in time for dinner.  It was in Houston on the day of a big bike race so we allowed 30 minutes instead of 20 for the drive from the church to the hotel.  15 minutes from Hotel to reception on the bus.  And then people were allowed in at 4:15 for apps and bar opened at 4:30.

ETA:  Responding because I'm touchy about this one.  I worked my butt off to ensure my family and friends were hosted properly while dealing with all the crap from his family who were pissed that I didn't allow them a 5 hour gap per their traditions.

Wait, what? 

Your OP did not mention the travel time, just the gap, so my apologies for reading that as an hour-long un-hosted gap.

Why did your DH's family change clothes? Why do they have five-hour gaps? WHAT???

They are Vietnamese.  Apparently, I was rude and horrible for not allowing them to go home and change into party clothes and have dinner before coming to party the night away.  They also thought I was insane for ending it at 9:30 as their weddings typically go into the wee hours (because of the ridiculous wait time between the ceremony and reception).

There were 102 members of his family invited (a little less than half of the guest list), so convincing them to show up and reminding them that there was not a gap was a pain.  I actually went so far as to put the time that dinner was being served on the reception card in the invitation (leading all of my family to think I was insane until I explained).  I didn't want to end up with 100 people's worth of food uneaten because they didn't show up until 8ish.

Then there was the giant stink MIL threw because they wouldn't allow her into the bridal suite to change into her fancy champagne colored dress during cocktail hour.

Damn - it's been a year almost and I still get all riled up just thinking of that woman's shenanigans (you may remember posts about the MIL that handed out photocopies of the invitation and then snuck people in side doors - yeah, that was mine).

phira

Blue_Bird said:

They said they'd "rather not drive", not they "couldn't drive", correct? While to moe, it wouldn't be a huge deal, I also think you would definitely not be in the wrong to tell them "No". At 65, unless they have a disability, they should be fine to drive.

Eh, I don't like to police people's disabilities or insist that people drive when they're not okay with it. We don't know the whole story, and I know people whose health at 65 was pretty bad.

beharrington

phira said:

Blue_Bird said:

They said they'd "rather not drive", not they "couldn't drive", correct? While to moe, it wouldn't be a huge deal, I also think you would definitely not be in the wrong to tell them "No". At 65, unless they have a disability, they should be fine to drive.

Eh, I don't like to police people's disabilities or insist that people drive when they're not okay with it. We don't know the whole story, and I know people whose health at 65 was pretty bad.

Agree with @phira.

doeydo

Is there no one else coming to the wedding that they can carpool with?