I have spent the last week hesitating about posting but I just need complete strangers advice. About 2 weeks ago, a very very close member of family "S" tried to take their own life...in an extremely violent way. By divine miracle (timing) someone went to visit and found "S." If a few minutes late, "S" would have passed away. After surgery, "S" is on way to a full physical recovery..another miracle. "S" has suffered depression for decades and had many other failed attempts but never in the manor of this last attempt. It was so violent and "unusual" for a female.
"S" has lived far away up until moving close about 8 months ago. I had a very bad experience with "S" a few months ago. Her "illness" was blamed but I knew right away that it was simply "S's" personality that triggered the outburst. A pattern is very clear. "S" will be "wrong" and instead of being humble, claws come out, people are punched, kick out, cursed at, etc. Then when those people put distance (boundaries) "S" feels victimized, starts to experience anxiety, insomnia and depression sets it. I've seen this cycle many times. 'S" is never held accountable. Family members, their entire lives, walk on eggshell because of past the depression and past suicide attempts. A havent seen/spoken to "S" in a few months. It truly was such an outrages experience for me that I hadn't been able to get past it (but was really trying to).
The day of "S's" last attempt, we rushed to hospital and got there after "S' was moved to a trauma floor (from surgery). "S" had a trach to asst breathing so couldnt speak. When I was seen, "S" started freaking out. I asked the social work who was in room if we should leave and was told no. I then got a pad and pen and told "S" to write what it was that was trying to be said. "Im sorry, Forgive me" was written and then I was looked at. I immediately felt that "S" was referring to the incident back a few months. "S" stared at me the entire visit (there were only 2 of us in room). The feeling was so overwhelming I almost passed out. This apology was the first thing that was written and basically the last full sentence.
"S" is doing remarkable and has been since the first night (physically). The rest of the family is not. At all. The timing is also bothering everyone (not that timing is ever good but they are just processing it all, including our wedding in 2 months, We (fiance) and I are running cycles of emotions but predominately, now, anger. For him, he is angry until he sees "S" but for me, at first, I would only feel anger when visiting but now, its constant. It feels like poison inside of me and I cant get it out.
When it first happened I told fiance that if he wanted to postpone wedding, I would understand. He was very stern when he told me 'no way!" A few nights ago, we "realized" that "S" will always see the scar when looking in mirror and how it will be a constant reminder. I told him that some how we would have to put a positive "spin" on it. Something along the lines of, "you survived and now..." We also spoke about the possibility of "S" missing the wedding, and how this will be another thing that will be in "S's" guilt arsenal. In other words, "S" will NEVER get over it. His anger exploded and said we should just cancel.
RSVP's have been coming in, flights booked, rooms and cars have been reserved. Honestly, to cancel is a big thing but the emotions and "S's" situation are bigger.
There are days, we sit...still. Not saying a word. Other days, we talk very raw and honestly, All the ugly feelings are admitted. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, everything we are feeling is completely normal. He goes from one emotion to another. Me...Im just stuck with poisonous anger. It spikes so fast that I physically feel like Im going to faint. To be honest, I was raped years ago and went into a hospital. Diagnosed with clinical depression and PTSD. I know the darkness. I finally did escape the darkness. The escape is not from medication alone. It takes a conscious effort. Behavior modification. Before reaching the darkness, there are red flags. "S" experiences those red flags and chooses to do nothing about it. I believe this is one source of my anger.
"S" is extremely manipulative and my fiance (because he is one who doesnt walk away) always feels the pain and guilt from "S's" manipulation. I see it. It is all very clear and so extremely unhealthy. For "S" and him. People back away from "S"..."S" gets sick...(manipulating her meds) and everyone runs back. Before long, the cycle of attack happens again, and everyone backs away because they are hurt/angry.
Please please believe me. I am not minimizing "S" illness. I know it all tooo well. I love "S" dearly. I am just sooo frekkin angry. I cant seem to process past it all. Im also scared. Ive been for a few months now. I see the manipulation and have started to verbalize my witness to fiance. He sees it and agrees but still function within those situation because "S" is who "S" is. One small example. "S" got a ride from a family member to doctors a few months back. "S" caused a fight and jumped out of car, so was "stranded" (a populated place). "S" called fiance for a ride but fiance was in meetings all day and scheduled til late into night. He told "S" it was impossible. "S" called still stranded 8 hours later!! When he told me, I was shocked! I told him "S" could take a cap. He said "S" didnt tell me to take a taxi when I was birthed. Right there, I knew/felt there is great potential for problems in our relationship. He left our meeting and went and picked "S" up. "S" had done this before and since.
I love this man deeply. I love "S." and since the latest attempt, I an really so scared. If healthy boundaries are erected, I feel our marriage will have big trouble. I know there is nothing I can do to "convince" him of anything. Like I said, he has admitted to walking on eggshells his entire life because of her illness and attempts at suicide. Now...this violent way of this last attempt...I can imagine his fears will be worse. The family feels its just a matter of time before she is successful. There are children involved. I have a teenager. He doesnt know what happened. I lied. Told him "S" choked on a chicken bone. "S" doesnt have insurance and we are not sure if she will even be transferred into a psyche hospital. There are only 3 and they are for profit. Nobody is equipped to handle this. I could quit my job and have her live with me but I would not be able to sleep or even pee! She'd need 24/7 watching.
I am so sorry this is so long. I am having nightmares about people that we lost to suicide (my ex's side) and a good friend of mine. The rape is even coming up (dreams). I can't think clearly at times. I can not afford therapy at this time. I also feel so sad...the wedding joy is gone. I feel desperate to resolve my emotions...so desperate Im posting. Please....any advice.
