Moms and Maids

FI wants me to get MOG involved. How?

falsarafalsara Northside of Chicago member
500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer

HELP!

Me and my FI live far away from both sets of parents and now that we're in the early planning of our wedding he keeps telling me that I should call his mom to share some of the wedding stuff, or get her opinion, something.  Neither sets of parents are paying for the wedding and honestly there's really nothing to share with her yet, we're looking at venues and such, but nothing is concrete and no money has been put down, so to me it seems kind of pointless, especially since she doesn't know the area where we are planning on getting married. 

The wedding isn't until May 2016, and since she lives more than 1000 miles away, and doesn't travel, there isn't really a whole lot she can help with.  I want to call her, like FI wants, but she and I have never been very close and it seems that getting her opinion on something unless it is a very pointed question, seems like it would hinder more than help.

 

What can I do and what kinds of early things could I possibly ask for her help/ opinion on?

                                           

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Re: FI wants me to get MOG involved. How?

  • Instead of asking for her opinions or help, especially since you are still far out from your wedding, you could keep her updated on the items you do make a final decision on, such as your venue, music, etc.

    "Hey MIL, we picked this venue for the wedding, it has these great views and is perfect for our style."

    If something is final, you are unlikely to get unwanted opinions but still make her feel like she is involved. With my MIL, we didn't ask her for any help or opinions. We would involve her her once each item was booked or finalized. She had nothing but nice things to say on the things we decided on! 
    lc07
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Your fi should be communicating with his own mom to make sure she doesn't miss any pertinent information. But exactly what does he want to share, since you don't have a date or venue. 

    After you sign your venue contract, fi should call his mom and tell her the good news, particularly the date. Then you get on the phone and ask for her email address so you can send her a link to the venue website. Email is easiest way to share info, at everyone's convenience. When you decide on colors for your wedding, flowers, bm dresses etc...you can do the same.This way, no one says anything, spur of the moment, that will hurt the others feelings and your FMIL will have a good feel for the style of your wedding. 


                       
    Blue_Bird
  • cwradford said:

    HELP!

    Me and my FI live far away from both sets of parents and now that we're in the early planning of our wedding he keeps telling me that I should call his mom to share some of the wedding stuff, or get her opinion, something.  Neither sets of parents are paying for the wedding and honestly there's really nothing to share with her yet, we're looking at venues and such, but nothing is concrete and no money has been put down, so to me it seems kind of pointless, especially since she doesn't know the area where we are planning on getting married. 

    The wedding isn't until May 2016, and since she lives more than 1000 miles away, and doesn't travel, there isn't really a whole lot she can help with.  I want to call her, like FI wants, but she and I have never been very close and it seems that getting her opinion on something unless it is a very pointed question, seems like it would hinder more than help.

     

    What can I do and what kinds of early things could I possibly ask for her help/ opinion on?


    You're right, it would. Just because you're marrying her son doesn't mean you two need to magically become BFFs. If your FI wants her involved, let him to the involving. It's his mother, after all.
    Blue_Bird
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Tell your FI that if he wants his mother involved, it's up to him-not you-to get her involved.
    HisGirlFriday13Blue_Bird
  • I would let her know about things when they are booked. That way you are not getting unwanted opinions and his mom will still feel like she is in the loop.
  • cwradford said:

    HELP!

    Me and my FI live far away from both sets of parents and now that we're in the early planning of our wedding he keeps telling me that I should call his mom to share some of the wedding stuff, or get her opinion, something.  Neither sets of parents are paying for the wedding and honestly there's really nothing to share with her yet, we're looking at venues and such, but nothing is concrete and no money has been put down, so to me it seems kind of pointless, especially since she doesn't know the area where we are planning on getting married. 

    The wedding isn't until May 2016, and since she lives more than 1000 miles away, and doesn't travel, there isn't really a whole lot she can help with.  I want to call her, like FI wants, but she and I have never been very close and it seems that getting her opinion on something unless it is a very pointed question, seems like it would hinder more than help.

     

    What can I do and what kinds of early things could I possibly ask for her help/ opinion on?

    If it's his mother and he thinks she should be involved, why can't he pick up the phone and call her and keep her apprised of things? 

    Also, do not ask her for her opinion unless you are willing to consider it. If you ask her and don't mean it, she'll get (rightly) offended that you're not asking because you actually care, but because your FI wants you to. 
    This is 100000% EXACTLY what I was thinking.

    Why is it all on you?


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  • The groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner. Your FI, not you, needs to be working on that with his mother. 

    When is she coming to your town next?  FI needs to schedule visits and tastings, FI needs to familiarize himself with what details would need to be included in a contract for a RD and he needs to handle the contracting details with the venue that's chosen, etc.

    I work with two women whose sons were marrying girls in towns about 1000 miles away.  Both of those two women worked with their sons to schedule a trip to the wedding town, when they visited, tasted, and contracted for the RD.  Both of those two women traveled to the wedding town for engagement parties, bridal showers, wedding showers, holiday celebration weekend with the bride-to-be's family, etc.  None of these women "knew the area where the wedding would take place," but both of these women probably traveled to the wedding town four times in the year prior to the wedding to GET TO KNOW the area and the bride's family and the bride and groom as a couple.

    Your FI's mom needs to research what sorts of things she'll be involved in planning and what sorts of events she should attend, and then she needs to get there to do those things.
  • May 2016 is a while away. Your fiance may know something you don't.
    Although they are far away keep them in the loop.
    For example...

    "Hey mom, what should we do for venues?" vs "Hey mom, this is what we've chosen for our venue"
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited March 2014
    The groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner. Your FI, not you, needs to be working on that with his mother. 

    When is she coming to your town next?  FI needs to schedule visits and tastings, FI needs to familiarize himself with what details would need to be included in a contract for a RD and he needs to handle the contracting details with the venue that's chosen, etc.

    Your FI's mom needs to research what sorts of things she'll be involved in planning and what sorts of events she should attend, and then she needs to get there to do those things.
    No.  Rehearsal dinners are not required, and anyone can host them.  The FI does not need to do any of these things unless his family chooses to host the dinner.  And then it doesn't require visits or tastings.  It can be hosted in one's own home.  No research is required.  And FFS, how can she host something from 1000 miles away if she doesn't travel, as per the OP?
    Blue_Bird[Deleted User]
  • The groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner. Your FI, not you, needs to be working on that with his mother. 

    When is she coming to your town next?  FI needs to schedule visits and tastings, FI needs to familiarize himself with what details would need to be included in a contract for a RD and he needs to handle the contracting details with the venue that's chosen, etc.

    I work with two women whose sons were marrying girls in towns about 1000 miles away.  Both of those two women worked with their sons to schedule a trip to the wedding town, when they visited, tasted, and contracted for the RD.  Both of those two women traveled to the wedding town for engagement parties, bridal showers, wedding showers, holiday celebration weekend with the bride-to-be's family, etc.  None of these women "knew the area where the wedding would take place," but both of these women probably traveled to the wedding town four times in the year prior to the wedding to GET TO KNOW the area and the bride's family and the bride and groom as a couple.

    Your FI's mom needs to research what sorts of things she'll be involved in planning and what sorts of events she should attend, and then she needs to get there to do those things.
    NO. NO NO NO NO NO. WRONG. 

    Traditionally, the groom's family hosted the RD. But it's not required. And the OP and her FI certainly cannot impose an RD on his mother and present her with a bill. 
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    Blue_Bird
  • Guys, it's Kristen!
    MairePoppyOliveOilsMombanana468SKPM
  • falsarafalsara Northside of Chicago member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer

    Thanks everyone for responding. It's been tons of help. 

    Me and FI are hosting the RD.  So that's a non-issue. And Me and MIL got on the phone and talked about the decisions me and FI have made so far. It worked out well.

    YAY!. 

    Thanks again!

                                               

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    lc07
  • MOG was also far for our wedding (her in UK, wedding in California). Only difference here being DH was also at the time in UK. He was really the one who kept her in the loop, he showed her everything I sent him, though sometimes not until after a decision had been made. We showed her websites of venues we looked at, then photos of the one we'd picked (if she hadn't liked it, we'd have brought up reasons not visible on website as to why it wouldn't work, ie bad layout). She knew colors and basic style. Her main worry was this being the first wedding in her family that was allowed to be a Catholic mass and voluntarily wasn't (I'm Protestant, hubby discovered he was too when he came to church with me, and we wanted our pastor to head the ceremony). We did what we could to make it more comfortable for her, even though we couldn't get a priest to come offer a prayer of some sort due to Vatican rules, but we did hold it in my parents' church instead of ours due to the more formal feel and had pastor in full robes and such. 

    Just talk to her. Even if you don't always like her suggestions, allowing her a voice is probably all that's necessary. And yes, it should be mostly on your FI to do!
  • In the part of the country I'm living in, the RD is a huge deal for the groom's family.  It's the only thing the groom's family gets to host in a whole extended weekend of stuff hosted by the bride's family.  It's the only time the groom's family gets to say that they welcome the bride into their own family and they appreciate the generosity of the bride's family for this wonderful weekend wedding.

    I did see the notation that the MOG does not travel but even if the bride and groom have to send her a video of them visiting the RD locations and URLs to go to the websites, surely the MOG *is* traveling to the wedding and so can surely host the RD in person on the night before the wedding.
  • falsarafalsara Northside of Chicago member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer

    I guess part of the reason me and FI are hosting the RD is because we're also hosting the Wedding.  My parents aren't really hosting anything.  It just made sense to us.  Also we don't even know if she wants to help with the RD.  She hasn't approached us about it and we didn't want to assume anything.

     Another thing about our RD is we're making it more of a welcome dinner for all of our out of town guests.  Both of my parents and both of his parents are military so we have guests that are coming from overseas and such.  I don't want to barely see all these people for only 15 minutes during the reception.  A lot of them have come from very far away.  It would mean much more to me to actually be able to talk to them and spend time with them and enjoy their company without such a restricted time limit.

                                               

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    @cwradford - you're absolutely right not to assume that your FMIL wants to host anything. She's not obligated to host the RD. 
                       
    lc07
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Also, perhaps your husband just wants you to form more of a connection with his mother. It can be non-wedding related. If you feel comfortable with it, and want to form a stronger connection with her, too, you can always just reach out to her to chat about non-wedding things as well.
    MairePoppy
  • I have a similar situation. FMIL is far, and my mother has already told me on numerous occasions I don't need a wedding and should just elope. Although I already wanted to involve FMIL, my FI really pushed me. His feelings were I should at least have one supportive and excited mother. And I'm so glad I did! I started small just discussing ideas over the phone, and having her check out venue and caterer sites. (Basically all we've finalized so far). She's always so excited every time we talk. Even though there isn't anything concrete she can do, she still feels involved and in the loop. Her sister, FI's god mother (who has been stepping in for my mother) has told me on several occasions how grateful FMIL is to be involved as much since she was afraid that not being MOB, and being so far away she wouldn't know anything about the wedding. The whole thing has definitely brought us A LOT closer! *** side note... Not that I pushed, hinted, or even thought about it before hand, since we're paying for everything, but it wasn't until FMIL and I had started talking regularly that she offered to throw the rehearsal dinner. Just a thought
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    coralove1 said:
    I have a similar situation. FMIL is far, and my mother has already told me on numerous occasions I don't need a wedding and should just elope. Although I already wanted to involve FMIL, my FI really pushed me. His feelings were I should at least have one supportive and excited mother. And I'm so glad I did! I started small just discussing ideas over the phone, and having her check out venue and caterer sites. (Basically all we've finalized so far). She's always so excited every time we talk. Even though there isn't anything concrete she can do, she still feels involved and in the loop. Her sister, FI's god mother (who has been stepping in for my mother) has told me on several occasions how grateful FMIL is to be involved as much since she was afraid that not being MOB, and being so far away she wouldn't know anything about the wedding. The whole thing has definitely brought us A LOT closer! *** side note... Not that I pushed, hinted, or even thought about it before hand, since we're paying for everything, but it wasn't until FMIL and I had started talking regularly that she offered to throw the rehearsal dinner. Just a thought
    Are you not inviting your mother?  I wouldn't want to invite someone who's telling me I "don't need a wedding and should just elope."  A bitchy attitude like that would get someone booted out.
  • I am absolutely inviting my mother. I love her, and really want her to get motivated and involved. Sometimes she is, sometimes she isn't. She's dealing with some of her own personal issues, and while I don't have the patience or ability to deal with her negativity, I have let her know that I want her love and support and will keep her as involved as she'll let me. I just will not force her into anything. Her involvement is entirely up to her.
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