Wedding Etiquette Forum

FMIL Drama. VENT

Jstump2Jstump2 member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
edited March 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum

To make a long story short: We sent out our wedding invites last week, one of those invites went to FMIL "best" friend of 26 years lets call her N (and her family).. FI has known them all his life/friends of the family type thing.

SO here's where the problem comes in: FI gets a call last night that his mom and N got in a huge, possibly friendship ending fight. MIL wants her uninvited from the wedding. FI let me know what's going on, but assured me it's his family he will deal with it. He's hoping that either A. they make up or B. when his mom cools down they can have a chat about what an akward position this puts him in and how rude it would be for us to uninvite them. Sigh. I hate drama, I'm just hoping this all works out.

Re: FMIL Drama. VENT

  • Just take a deep breath.  If you already invited both parties, there is nothing you can do but seat them seperately.  Pressuring them to talk things over may make the situation worse. 
    Lowell14PrettyGirlLost
  • I anticipate this problem with my BF's mother because she's always first deciding that she's not talking to someone, then deciding that she is and pretending the earlier behavior never happened.

    My BF and I have decided that when we are actually engaged, we will tell his mother that once someone is on the guest list, they are there to stay and cannot be uninvited, and this is a hill we will die on.

    In your case, I'd just ignore and bean-dip your FMIL's demand that N be uninvited.  If things are really that bad between her and N and that doesn't change between now and when your invitations go out, chances are that N will decline anyway.
    beharringtonAmyzen83[Deleted User]
  • I went through this almost weekly with MIL.  One day we weren't supposed to invite her sister-in-law, one day it was her mom, one day it was a different sibling.  I just continued to say that we would not be uninviting anyone and that we would make sure not to seat them at the same table.
    This crap is why I stood my ground when my mom said I should invite her sisters and my cousins to be nice. "No, mom, I do not want them there, we do not have a good relationship."

    Now mom is mad at them over yet another stunt they pulled and says "nope, don't invite them" and I'm all "yep, got it covered."

    If it's not a person you or your FI has a relationship with, they have no business being at your wedding.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    eyeroll
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited March 2014
    Not really drama, but last week my FMIL said "I'm going to send you some updated addresses for the invitations" (because some people moved.) OK, great! 

    Then she said "I'm going to also remove someone". I said: who are you removing, we sent STD to everyone. She says. so and so can't come so we don't have to send them an invitation. I say, um we sent her a STD, and she's invited to the shower. If she can't come, she'll decline just like anyone else. 

    My FI said she just doesn't understand. There's always something. 
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    CrazyCatLady3KRD2014
  • laurynm84 said:

    Not really drama, but last week my FMIL said "I'm going to send you some updated addresses for the invitations" (because some people moved.) OK, great! 


    Then she said "I'm going to also remove someone". I said: who are you removing, we sent STD to everyone. She says. so and so can't come so we don't have to send them an invitation. I say, um we sent her a STD, and she's invited to the shower. If she can't come, she'll decline just like anyone else. 

    My FI said she just doesn't understand. There's always something. 
    This is my mom. She's trying to uninvite people based on their initial thought of not coming or assuming flying from Oregon to Texas would be too much of a hassle. /sigh

    OP, I would just tell your mom that if they really are that mad at each other, then her friend will decline the wedding to not be around her. Let the situation resolve itself. If they do respond yes, then seat them separately.

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  • It baffles me how petty grown women can be! Seriously these people are acting like high school mean girls! If my mom ever told me to uninvite someone I'd flat out tell her our wedding will not cater to drama, either work your shit out, or don't come.
  • I concur with @Londonlisa. Dn't worry about it too much - as the mother's best friend would probably decline based on the fight or they will have made up by the wedding.  My guess is there are plenty of other stressors that are compounding this one.  Just remember - you are marrying your best friend :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Jstump2
  • Thanks for letting me vent everyone. This might have been a false alarm, I guess they made up. I just couldn't believe the place her mind went first is we need to uninvite her! We ARE all adults after all.

     I think you're right @schellzinator I am starting to feel the stress of a bunch of little things right now, but I am trying not to lose sight that as long as I'm married to FI at the end of the day nothing else matters :)

  • I dealt with a lot of similar drama during inviting people to our wedding ( I think everyone does) but when it comes down to it the day is about you & FI. If they are both already invited there isn't much you can do now. Either way, I would let them make the decision on if they decide to attend or not. If they are both special people in your lives then they will come to your event & put the drama aside & just be there to enjoy one of the most special days of your life with you!!
  • I feel like weddings bring out the worst in people. I had a very similar thing happen. My future sister-in-law was not allowed to come as was instructed by her parents due to family feuding. I love her dearly (I had asked her to be my bridesmaid right away) and had a very long talk with her and she took it like a trooper. Then a day later we get a call from the mother and she was a wreck asking why we told her she couldn't come, she went on to say that she and her husband changed their minds months ago, without telling us mind you.
    Then on another occasion my brother screamed at me in front of the entire family because he didn't want to pay for the tuxes. He didn't speak to me for a week after that. Those haven't even been the worst things but it feels good to vent. Thank you Jstump2 (and others commenting) for understanding the madness that is marriage XP
  • I feel like weddings bring out the worst in people. I had a very similar thing happen. My future sister-in-law was not allowed to come as was instructed by her parents due to family feuding. I love her dearly (I had asked her to be my bridesmaid right away) and had a very long talk with her and she took it like a trooper. Then a day later we get a call from the mother and she was a wreck asking why we told her she couldn't come, she went on to say that she and her husband changed their minds months ago, without telling us mind you.
    Then on another occasion my brother screamed at me in front of the entire family because he didn't want to pay for the tuxes. He didn't speak to me for a week after that. Those haven't even been the worst things but it feels good to vent. Thank you Jstump2 (and others commenting) for understanding the madness that is marriage XP
    You actually told your bridesmaid she wasn't allowed to come to your wedding because her mother asked you not to invite her? Don't blame that on your FMIL, that one is all on you.
    HisGirlFriday13wrigleyville
  • I'm glad to hear things worked out.  At least for the time being :).  But, if I'd been your fiance, I'd have told my mom (assuming this was true), "I love (former bestie), you know she has been like a second mother to me over the years.  I'm sorry you all are fighting, but she already got an invite plus I want her to come."
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • @laurynm84 I totally get your frustration on this one except instead of my FMIL, it's my Mom. She insists on not sending invitations to people that she knows don't plan on coming even though they've received a STD and a shower invitation. I'm just sending them anyway because it's rude.
  • One of my bridesmaids (and closest friend) got mad at me because I didn't invite her nephews to MY wedding. Forget the fact that I already invited four other members of her family. People just have a lot of nerve!
  • I feel like weddings bring out the worst in people. I had a very similar thing happen. My future sister-in-law was not allowed to come as was instructed by her parents due to family feuding. I love her dearly (I had asked her to be my bridesmaid right away) and had a very long talk with her and she took it like a trooper. Then a day later we get a call from the mother and she was a wreck asking why we told her she couldn't come, she went on to say that she and her husband changed their minds months ago, without telling us mind you.
    Then on another occasion my brother screamed at me in front of the entire family because he didn't want to pay for the tuxes. He didn't speak to me for a week after that. Those haven't even been the worst things but it feels good to vent. Thank you Jstump2 (and others commenting) for understanding the madness that is marriage XP
    ......whaaa?

    image

    You asked your FSIL to be your BM, then told her she couldn't come to the wedding because she and her parents were feuding?

    Did I read the correctly?

    Because holy effing shitballs, that is sixteen different kinds of effed up. And quite frankly, the drama is mostly your fault, because either you or your FI should have said to his parents, 'FSIL is not only attending the wedding, she is a BM, so you can either deal with that or not, but she will be attending and we will not be asking her not to come because you're having a hissy-fit. Put on your grown-up panties and deal.'
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    PrettyGirlLostwrigleyville
  • I feel like weddings bring out the worst in people. I had a very similar thing happen. My future sister-in-law was not allowed to come as was instructed by her parents due to family feuding. I love her dearly (I had asked her to be my bridesmaid right away) and had a very long talk with her and she took it like a trooper. Then a day later we get a call from the mother and she was a wreck asking why we told her she couldn't come, she went on to say that she and her husband changed their minds months ago, without telling us mind you.
    Then on another occasion my brother screamed at me in front of the entire family because he didn't want to pay for the tuxes. He didn't speak to me for a week after that. Those haven't even been the worst things but it feels good to vent. Thank you Jstump2 (and others commenting) for understanding the madness that is marriage XP
    ......whaaa?

    image

    You asked your FSIL to be your BM, then told her she couldn't come to the wedding because she and her parents were feuding?

    Did I read the correctly?

    Because holy effing shitballs, that is sixteen different kinds of effed up. And quite frankly, the drama is mostly your fault, because either you or your FI should have said to his parents, 'FSIL is not only attending the wedding, she is a BM, so you can either deal with that or not, but she will be attending and we will not be asking her not to come because you're having a hissy-fit. Put on your grown-up panties and deal.'
    I am wondering if FSIL was a teenager here and the FIL's were using her as a pawn in something here.  If she was not under their jurisdiction this is all kinds of messed up.
  • @kmmssg, even if that were the case, the poster and her FI still should have told his parents they were being effing ridiculous. 
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    PrettyGirlLost
  • @kmmssg, even if that were the case, the poster and her FI still should have told his parents they were being effing ridiculous. 
    Oh, I don't disagree with that but there is a lot of unknown here. I was raised by a guardian who pulled this shit and it was me that was caught in the middle when she wanted to play power trip. She was the boss of me so she had no problem "winning" and it would be my older brother who would have to come to me very lovingly and burst my bubble.  That's why I want to know if there is more to the story or if they just gave in to his parents when the FSIL was an adult in her own right.
  • kmmssg said:
    @kmmssg, even if that were the case, the poster and her FI still should have told his parents they were being effing ridiculous. 
    Oh, I don't disagree with that but there is a lot of unknown here. I was raised by a guardian who pulled this shit and it was me that was caught in the middle when she wanted to play power trip. She was the boss of me so she had no problem "winning" and it would be my older brother who would have to come to me very lovingly and burst my bubble.  That's why I want to know if there is more to the story or if they just gave in to his parents when the FSIL was an adult in her own right.
    I want more details, too. But even if the kid is a minor, if that were my family, I'd be saying, 'Well, your choices are she comes with you or none of you comes at all, because I'm not going to stand for this BS.'
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    rajahmdPrettyGirlLost
  • I came here to vent and hopefully get words of encouragement or nothing at all. While it is the internet and you are free to post what ever language and thoughts that come to you, I guess I was naïve in thinking my decisions were my own and not those of the people who chose to comment. It is a very complicated loaded situation that I will keep to myself because they are not my stories to tell. I am confident we made the right decision. It was one of the hardest decisions my fiancé and I have made.

    This is a happy time for all of us brides and grooms! So let's not dwell on the decisions of other anonymous commenters, we've all got plenty on our plates in the days to come. Congradulations everyone! Happy planning!

  • ladyamanuetladyamanuet member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2014

    I came here to vent and hopefully get words of encouragement or nothing at all. While it is the internet and you are free to post what ever language and thoughts that come to you, I guess I was naïve in thinking my decisions were my own and not those of the people who chose to comment. It is a very complicated loaded situation that I will keep to myself because they are not my stories to tell. I am confident we made the right decision. It was one of the hardest decisions my fiancé and I have made.

    This is a happy time for all of us brides and grooms! So let's not dwell on the decisions of other anonymous commenters, we've all got plenty on our plates in the days to come. Congradulations everyone! Happy planning!

    This is an etiquette board, and when someone mentions an action so glaringly against etiquette, we're going to comment on it.  Especially when it sounds like you didn't have to do the rude thing of uninviting her in the first place, if the parents were upset that you did it.  True, we do not know your situation, but unless FSIL abused someone, stole from someone, or the like, there is no situation that allows for that kind of poor etiquette.  That's why PPs made comments.  If you don't want people judging your actions, don't post on the internet - and certainly not on an etiquette board. It comes with the territory of posting - you have to be prepared for comments.

    ETA:  To the "get encouragement or nothing at all" line - ummm, NO. This is not "blow sunshine and rainbows up your ass"-ville.  This is a place people come seeking advice.  And what the ladies here do is let folks know "No, that plan of yours is rude.  You can continue to be rude if you wish, but please note that it is in fact rude, and likely your guest(s) will feel the same."   If someone came to you saying they wanted to rob a bank would you just give them encouragement? No. You'd tell them that that's a crazypants bad idea.  Is uninviting the guest the same level of a bank robbery? No. But it is still rude and against etiquette, and folks on here are going to advise you of that.
    My reaction to most everything on the internet today:
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    JCbride2015
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2014

    I came here to vent and hopefully get words of encouragement or nothing at all. While it is the internet and you are free to post what ever language and thoughts that come to you, I guess I was naïve in thinking my decisions were my own and not those of the people who chose to comment. It is a very complicated loaded situation that I will keep to myself because they are not my stories to tell. I am confident we made the right decision. It was one of the hardest decisions my fiancé and I have made.

    This is a happy time for all of us brides and grooms! So let's not dwell on the decisions of other anonymous commenters, we've all got plenty on our plates in the days to come. Congradulations everyone! Happy planning!

    No no no no no.  If you said, "FPILs said FSIL dishonored their family, so we killed her and hid the body.  Then FPILs were angry because they changed their minds!  Silly us, we didn't need to kill her after all!" Would you expect encouragement?  Sure, it's a more extreme example, but we aren't going to encourage your bad behavior.

    We will *NOT condone terrible etiquette and rude behavior, even if it already happened, because lurkers read these boards and are looking for advice.  The way you behaved was deplorable.

    If you don't want other people's opinions, don't comment.  This is an etiquette board and as such, you open yourself to proper etiquette opinions whenever your post.

    *edited, left out a pretty important word!
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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