SIL Bridesmaid Drama

Nmarra823

So I have a situation for you all! Hope you have some advice because I am in desperate need.

I've been dealing with a lot of drama for the past couple years with my brother's wife/my sister-in-law (SIL). They've been together for quite some time and we are civil with each other but I hold grudges and can't help but not want to be in the same room as her. She has recently been trying to get on my good side, got me a bunch of unexpected xmas presents, and even an engagement gift when she heard I got engaged. While I didn't really know how to act towards all of this happening, I thought I handled it well and was very thankful and appreciative and been trying to make small chat with her if I see her or at least wave to smooth things over. But still bottom line, I just don't trust her and I think it's fake and not like she's genuinely trying to be nice to me. It's always like there's some hidden agenda with her. She is very dramatic, turns your words around into lies, and is just downright a crazy bitch! But she's my brother's wife. I have to like her right?

So that being said. I am getting married next September and need to decide who is going to be in my bridal party. When it comes down to it, one of my closest and best friends happens to be my other brother's girlfriend and "future" sister-in-law. So obviously I am having her in my bridal party. Well then I can't have her in my bridal party without having my actual SIL right?? At first I was like hell no she's not going to be included! But then as I got thinking about it I really don't want to burn that bridge and cause more drama by not including her. So I finally made the decision that I am going to include her in my wedding. I want to get over all of this drama and just turn a new page and start over with her and really try to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. This is my wedding, and family is very important to me. I want my family there for me. And whether I like it or not I realized that well she's my family now. 

So for about a month I came up with a really cute way to surprise my bridesmaids on asking them to be in my wedding. I finally put together these little boxes with a locket inside, and inside the locket was a little scroll of paper asking them to be my bridesmaid. I drove around to each of their houses and left them on their doorsteps after work last night. When I got home from doing this, I had to do the normal "after-work-routine" consisting of taking the dogs out, feeding them dinner, and on top of it, I had one of my friends with me because we were planning on getting dinner together and going to the store afterwards. So let’s just say it was a hectic night! All of a sudden I got this huge text from the SIL. She went on and on and on about how excited and really touched she was that I want to include her in my special day. I didn't have time to write a huge response back but I didn't want to ignore her text (because I was trying to avoid any drama from unintentionally ignoring her texts) so I quickly responded something like Yay!! I am so excited as well! Can't wait to start planning! . Well, I am not sure how, but she took this text the wrong way and flipped out. She started to cry and told my brother that she sent me this really heartfelt text and that I had a snotty response. He grabbed the locket and box and stormed over to my house (fortunately for me I live in the apartment right above them! Yes that was sarcasm...) He started yelling at me saying how dare I treat his wife like this and why do I always have to cause drama and play games with her head. He said that she most definitely does not want to be in my wedding or even go to my wedding and stormed away.

No lie. This happened in a matter of about 5 minutes after she sent me that first "heartfelt" text.

At this point I am so over all of the drama so I try to call her to ask her what the hell was going on. She doesn't answer. So I suck it up and walk downstairs and ring their door bell. She is sitting on the couch crying, blotting her eyes with a tissue. (Like really??). So I calmly explain to her that she totally took my text the wrong way and that I am very busy trying to do things and was trying to avoid a problem if I didn't answer her, so I wanted to acknowledge her text but didn't have time to sit there and write a novel. She just kept going on and on about how she's really trying to be close with me and doesn't want to be a part of my wedding because she thinks that I am being forced to have her in my wedding. So I explained to her as nice as I could that that is not the case, it's my wedding, no one is going to force me to do anything. Family means everything to me and I made the decision to include her because I wanted her to be included. Needless to say, I think I smoothed things over.

What problem I face now though is- did I make the right decision to include her in the first place? Because right about now I'm thinking what the hell did I just get myself into?? What else is going to make her switch flip causing her to go from one extreme to another?? I feel bad to now have my other bridesmaids have to deal with her. I just want to have a nice and fun wedding and now I'm dreading that she will ruin everything! 

Help?

Inkdancer

Hoo boy, you dug yourself deep in this one.

Never, ever let any supposed "rules" pressure you into having someone in your bridal party. It's really a good idea to pick only the people who would answer if you called at 3 am with an emergency.

But obviously that doesn't help you now. Once you've asked, you can't reverse the asking without really hurting her feelings and ending any potential friendship. So until you get married, try to be very nice to her. If she sends you a text and you can't answer right away, don't answer. You can always say you were busy and didn't see it. Then answer when you have time to write something meaningful back. Most of all, try to be her friend. Maybe a real, good friendship will develop and you'll be grateful later. Maybe she will turn out to be a crazypants beeotch, and you'll come out the other side as the bigger person because you were so gracious.

Sars06

Nmarra823 said:

 I quickly responded something like Yay!! I am so excited as well! Can't wait to start planning! . Well, I am not sure how, but she took this text the wrong way and flipped out. She started to cry and told my brother that she sent me this really heartfelt text and that I had a snotty response.

Wow. This woman clearly has a screw loose. I can only recommend that you set your expectations for her participation in your wedding party as low as humanly possible. Like "please just be AT the wedding" low.

HisGirlFriday13

I ditto PPs -- I would never, ever, EVER have included her in my WP. Not based on what you said in your post. 

If you knew what she was like, why did you ask her? Leopards don't change their spots. She's not going to change her behaviour, either.

But you've asked her, so the best you can do now, for the next 17 or so months, is solider through it, and hope she keeps her shit together.

However, if she again flings a fit and 'quits' the BP, then you should take her at her word on that, and say, 'Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, but of course I understand that it's too much for you, and it's overwhelming, so you're right, it will be easier on you not to be in the WP.'

And then stick to that.

Nmarra823

Thank you for the fast responses! My plan is to keep my distance but to give her a chance to be a part of my special day. But like others have mentioned, my expectations are minimal and I am just hoping it all works out in the end. 

sarahufl

So what you are saying is that your brother married a teenage girl? She sounds terrible and yes, I would have left her out in the first place. But at this point, you have to hope she matures enough to participate as an adult and stop being a cry baby.

PrettyGirlLost

Nmarra823 said:

So I have a situation for you all! Hope you have some advice because I am in desperate need.

I've been dealing with a lot of drama for the past couple years with my brother's wife/my sister-in-law (SIL). They've been together for quite some time and we are civil with each other but I hold grudges and can't help but not want to be in the same room as her. That is an issue you have to choose to work on and get over, or else accept that holding grudges are a part of your personality.  However, IMO holding grudges, especially with family, isn't really a functional way to behave and will just lead to continual drama and stress.  You don't say what exactly the issues are with your FSIL that you have been dealing with, so it is hard to judge their severity and get a feel for if you are justified in your behavior or acting dysfunctionally and perpetuating the cycle of the issues.  She has recently been trying to get on my good side, got me a bunch of unexpected xmas presents, and even an engagement gift when she heard I got engaged. While I didn't really know how to act towards all of this happening, I thought I handled it well and was very thankful and appreciative and been trying to make small chat with her if I see her or at least wave to smooth things over. But still bottom line, I just don't trust her and I think it's fake and not like she's genuinely trying to be nice to me. Again, with out more detailed background info it's hard to say if you are justified in these feelings or if you are just being irrational and not willing to let go of your issues with your SIL and not willing to take her at her word that she is trying to fix things between you both.  It's always like there's some hidden agenda with her. Is there really or are you just reading into things?  She is very dramatic, turns your words around into lies, and is just downright a crazy bitch! But she's my brother's wife. I have to like her right?  No, but it would be wise to attempt to get along with her civilly so as not to alienate your brother.

So that being said. I am getting married next September and need to decide who is going to be in my bridal party. When it comes down to it, one of my closest and best friends happens to be my other brother's girlfriend and "future" sister-in-law. So obviously I am having her in my bridal party. Well then I can't have her in my bridal party without having my actual SIL right?? Nope, totally wrong.  You can choose to have whomever you wish in your WP and WP's are not tit for tat.  As long as you are aware of any possible family/political drama excluding one SIL might cause and you as long as you fully accept any and all drama and are willing to deal with it, you don't have to include that SIL.  At first I was like hell no she's not going to be included! But then as I got thinking about it I really don't want to burn that bridge and cause more drama by not including her. So I finally made the decision that I am going to include her in my wedding. I want to get over all of this drama and just turn a new page and start over with her and really try to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. Noble aspirations.  This is my wedding, and family is very important to me. I want my family there for me. And whether I like it or not I realized that well she's my family now. Good for you!

So for about a month I came up with a really cute way to surprise my bridesmaids on asking them to be in my wedding. I finally put together these little boxes with a locket inside, and inside the locket was a little scroll of paper asking them to be my bridesmaid. I drove around to each of their houses and left them on their doorsteps after work last night. When I got home from doing this, I had to do the normal "after-work-routine" consisting of taking the dogs out, feeding them dinner, and on top of it, I had one of my friends with me because we were planning on getting dinner together and going to the store afterwards. So let’s just say it was a hectic night! All of a sudden I got this huge text from the SIL. She went on and on and on about how excited and really touched she was that I want to include her in my special day. I didn't have time to write a huge response back but I didn't want to ignore her text (because I was trying to avoid any drama from unintentionally ignoring her texts) so I quickly responded something like Yay!! I am so excited as well! Can't wait to start planning! . Well, I am not sure how, but she took this text the wrong way and flipped out. She started to cry and told my brother that she sent me this really heartfelt text and that I had a snotty response. He grabbed the locket and box and stormed over to my house (fortunately for me I live in the apartment right above them! Yes that was sarcasm...) He started yelling at me saying how dare I treat his wife like this and why do I always have to cause drama and play games with her head. He said that she most definitely does not want to be in my wedding or even go to my wedding and stormed away.  Ok, uber over reaction much on his part.  But I doubt this type of behavior is out of the blue for him.  I would bet you both have long standing communication issues, probably made worse by your past issues with his wife?

No lie. This happened in a matter of about 5 minutes after she sent me that first "heartfelt" text.

At this point I am so over all of the drama so I try to call her to ask her what the hell was going on. She doesn't answer. So I suck it up and walk downstairs and ring their door bell. She is sitting on the couch crying, blotting her eyes with a tissue. (Like really??). So I calmly explain to her that she totally took my text the wrong way and that I am very busy trying to do things and was trying to avoid a problem if I didn't answer her, so I wanted to acknowledge her text but didn't have time to sit there and write a novel. Seems fine to me.  She just kept going on and on about how she's really trying to be close with me and doesn't want to be a part of my wedding because she thinks that I am being forced to have her in my wedding. So I explained to her as nice as I could that that is not the case, it's my wedding, no one is going to force me to do anything. Family means everything to me and I made the decision to include her because I wanted her to be included. Very nice response. Needless to say, I think I smoothed things over.

What problem I face now though is- did I make the right decision to include her in the first place? Because right about now I'm thinking what the hell did I just get myself into?? What else is going to make her switch flip causing her to go from one extreme to another?? Don't even try to worry about this.  It will only cause problems and stress you out, because it will lead you to read too much into everything she says and does, and second guess things. . . kind of how you both act right now.  Just deal with any issues as they come up, and be as honest, direct, and kind as you can.  I feel bad to now have my other bridesmaids have to deal with her. Don't think this way, nor ever say anything of the effect to your other BM's.  Stop borrowing trouble and worrying about what ifs.  I just want to have a nice and fun wedding and now I'm dreading that she will ruin everything! 

Help?

It sounds to me like you and your brother and SIL have family dynamic issues and communication issues.  Those things aren't going to go away overnight, but it's good if you all can acknowledge they exist and try to work on them together.

The good thing is that people are predictable, so you won't be caught off guard if your SIL misinterprets something you say or do and then overreacts.  If an issue pops up with you two, like the misunderstanding over the text, try to handle it just as you did- with patient, kind, direct communication.

Good luck!  I hope it all works out well for you both.

phira

So, I've been dealing with a future sister-in-law who treats me like crap, and after lots of trying to kill her with kindness, I gave up. I have no idea what I did to upset her in the first place, but I've started to just un-involve myself when we're dealing with her so that I don't run into a situation where I'm emotionally invested in what she thinks of me.

While your sister-in-law doesn't seem like a perfect person, and certainly seems to be taking your short text reply WAY too hard, I can't help but see things from her point of view:

Her sister-in-law holds a grudge against her for ... reasons ... and no matter what she does to try to mend the relationship and reach out, SIL treats every interaction as fake and insincere. Finally, SIL's wedding is rolling around, and SIL leaves a SUPER RIDICULOUSLY sweet bridesmald proposal on her doorstep. She has no idea everyone got one of these amazingly sweet gifts and, since being in someone's wedding party is a very meaningful thing on its own, she mistakenly believes that finally--finally!--SIL is dropping her grudge and reaching out.

She writes a text to her SIL to let SIL know how much this means to her, since (after all) the past few years have been very stressful, fraught with tension and mistrust, etc., and this is a super huge deal. The reply she receives, though, makes her think, " ... maybe she's just asking me to be a bridesmaid because she feels like she has to, and not because she's actually forgiven me for whatever offense I've committed."

And then her husband, who's spent years trying to reassure her that his sister WILL eventually come around, just keep being nice to her, I promise she'll start treating you better, finds her sobbing. Knowing that his sister has been pushing his wife away for a long time, and here his wife is, sobbing because she's emotionally at the end of her rope, and he's had frickin enough.

Anyway. You spent the first part of your post talking about how insincere her gifts to you are, and how she's fake nice to you, etc. What you did--asking her to be a bridesmaid in a super over-the-top gushy way--was, in fact, insincere and fake nice.

PrettyGirlLost

phira said:

So, I've been dealing with a future sister-in-law who treats me like crap, and after lots of trying to kill her with kindness, I gave up. I have no idea what I did to upset her in the first place, but I've started to just un-involve myself when we're dealing with her so that I don't run into a situation where I'm emotionally invested in what she thinks of me.

While your sister-in-law doesn't seem like a perfect person, and certainly seems to be taking your short text reply WAY too hard, I can't help but see things from her point of view:

Her sister-in-law holds a grudge against her for ... reasons ... and no matter what she does to try to mend the relationship and reach out, SIL treats every interaction as fake and insincere. Finally, SIL's wedding is rolling around, and SIL leaves a SUPER RIDICULOUSLY sweet bridesmald proposal on her doorstep. She has no idea everyone got one of these amazingly sweet gifts and, since being in someone's wedding party is a very meaningful thing on its own, she mistakenly believes that finally--finally!--SIL is dropping her grudge and reaching out.

She writes a text to her SIL to let SIL know how much this means to her, since (after all) the past few years have been very stressful, fraught with tension and mistrust, etc., and this is a super huge deal. The reply she receives, though, makes her think, " ... maybe she's just asking me to be a bridesmaid because she feels like she has to, and not because she's actually forgiven me for whatever offense I've committed."

And then her husband, who's spent years trying to reassure her that his sister WILL eventually come around, just keep being nice to her, I promise she'll start treating you better, finds her sobbing. Knowing that his sister has been pushing his wife away for a long time, and here his wife is, sobbing because she's emotionally at the end of her rope, and he's had frickin enough.

Anyway. You spent the first part of your post talking about how insincere her gifts to you are, and how she's fake nice to you, etc. What you did--asking her to be a bridesmaid in a super over-the-top gushy way--was, in fact, insincere and fake nice.

Phira.

I love the rest of you gals too, but I think you may have been too quick to just write SIL off as BSC in her reaction.  It takes at least two people to have a dysfunctional dynamic.

phira

@PrettyGirlLost you too

Inkdancer

@phira Can I keep you? You are so classy and levelheaded.

I'll make you a spice cake and everything!

Nmarra823

I could go on for days about the crazy crap she has pulled with me, my family and my poor brother (her husband) which is why I kept a lot of that detail out. But I have my reasons and they are valid. Let's just say, Yes I was shocked by her reaction to this situation, but what has caused a lot of problems for us in the past is that she always reads into things wrong and like twists your words around to make her look like a little innocent angel and you look like the devil. Yes we do have a lot of communication issues with her all the time because of this. She just reacts so different from anyone that I have ever met before. It's so hard to tell how she will react to things. One minute things will be fine and then all of a sudden she'll flip because she thinks something in her head and overreacts. Thrives on drama. One time we were all out at a bar and my other brother was talking to an ex girlfriend of his, while his current girlfriend was in the bathroom. This ex was from years ago and they dated for only a few months so it wasn't a Big ex or anything that the current girlfriend would have to worry about.  My SIL pulls my brother aside and yells at him in front of everyone calling him a scumbag cheating ass and how disgusted she is with him that he's talking to an ex behind his girlfriends back. Needless to say, my brother was actually congratulating his ex on her recent engagement and his current girlfriend couldn't care less. This is how she reacts. Doesn't make any sense!

And my her and my brother (her husband) are always fighting, or on the verge or breaking off their marriage. They have finally have been together, fight free and divorce threats free for almost a year now which is a record. It has been the most disfunctional relationship that I have ever witnessed but they are still together... Which is why I realized, hey that's my brother's life he chose and I love him. That is his wife, she is now family. My family. I have to make the best of it.

phira

@Inkdancer You know me so well!

@Nmarra823 Honestly, I don't doubt that she's got problems. But you basically complained about how insincere her attempts to be kind to you have been, and you did the exact same thing to her.

PrettyGirlLost

Nmarra823 said:

I could go on for days about the crazy crap she has pulled with me, my family and my poor brother (her husband) which is why I kept a lot of that detail out. But I have my reasons and they are valid. No offense, but of course you are going to think your reasons are valid.  People don't tend to easily see fault in themselves ;-)  Let's just say, Yes I was shocked by her reaction to this situation, but what has caused a lot of problems for us in the past is that she always reads into things wrong and like twists your words around to make her look like a little innocent angel and you look like the devil. So then why were you shocked by her reaction to your text?  Because she reacted/behaved in a totally predictable manner based on everything you have told us.  Her reaction shouldn't have been a shock to you at all.  Yes we do have a lot of communication issues with her all the time because of this.   And what about your brother's part in all of this?  The three of you have communication issues with each other.  Not because your SIL is nuts but because the three of you are engaging in a dysfunctional family dynamic, together, KWIM?  Your SIL may be nuts, but that is another topic, lol.  She just reacts so different from anyone that I have ever met before. It's so hard to tell how she will react to things. One minute things will be fine and then all of a sudden she'll flip because she thinks something in her head and overreacts. Thrives on drama. One time we were all out at a bar and my other brother was talking to an ex girlfriend of his, while his current girlfriend was in the bathroom. This ex was from years ago and they dated for only a few months so it wasn't a Big ex or anything that the current girlfriend would have to worry about.  My SIL pulls my brother aside and yells at him in front of everyone calling him a scumbag cheating ass and how disgusted she is with him that he's talking to an ex behind his girlfriends back. Needless to say, my brother was actually congratulating his ex on her recent engagement and his current girlfriend couldn't care less. This is how she reacts. Doesn't make any sense!  It makes perfect sense for a person who is projecting her own insecurities and issues to behave that way. 

And my her and my brother (her husband) are always fighting, or on the verge or breaking off their marriage. They have finally have been together, fight free and divorce threats free for almost a year now which is a record. It has been the most disfunctional relationship that I have ever witnessed but they are still together... Which is why I realized, hey that's my brother's life he chose and I love him. That is his wife, she is now family. My family. I have to make the best of it.

I mean this with good intentions and zero snark. . . I think you, your brother, and SIL could benefit from reading this book: http://www.amazon.com/Extraordinary-Relationships-Thinking-About-Interactions/dp/047134690X

HisGirlFriday13

First of all, I agree with @phira. There's a line in 'For Good,' from 'Wicked,' that goes, 'But then I guess we know there's blame to share.'

There's blame on both sides of this aisle, yours and hers. You combated her insincerity with insincerity of your own, and that's never going to work. 

I don't doubt you have your reasons for not liking her, and I'm not doubting their validity. 

I think it's great that you've recognised that she's your family, and that you have to make the best of it. That doesn't translate into being BFFs. Family is an accidental relationship based on genetics or whim -- the latter of which is what makes you related to this girl.

You have to treat her with respect and dignity and cordiality, but you don't have to love her. If you do want to let go of your grudge (a wonderful idea!), try building a relationship with her slowly.

Kauris

At this point, the advice that many brides receive about BM "duties" will also help you. If she gets overzealous or tries to overly involve herself, just explain that you only expect your BMs to show up sober and in the dress chosen. This will maybe limit the amount of time spent with her and the amount of drama that can actually happen.

Nmarra823

I was more shocked that I was really trying to do the right thing and include her and thought that this was going to be the start of a better relationship between us but it all back fired in my face. And now yet again with issues we have had in the past with her and my brother. It's always me that's wrong  I am always the bad guy. But looks like you guys are agreeing with them so now I feel worse.

HisGirlFriday13

Nmarra823 said:

I was more shocked that I was really trying to do the right thing and include her and thought that this was going to be the start of a better relationship between us but it all back fired in my face. And now yet again with issues we have had in the past with her and my brother. It's always me that's wrong  I am always the bad guy. But looks like you guys are agreeing with them so now I feel worse.

It's not that we're agreeing with her, or disagreeing with you. It's that we can see both sides of the issue. 

We're a bunch of internet strangers. We don't know you IRL and we'll probably never meet you IRL. We have no dog in this hunt as far as who's right and who's wrong.

What we do have, though, is outsiders' perspective, and lots and lots of experience in dealing with this. You're not the first bride to have SIL problems and you won't be the last. You're not the first person with family drama and you won't be the last.

We have experience in dealing with this, and we're able to say, 'Well, I did X and it didn't work,' and someone else might try Y and that does work. 

phira

By your own definition, though, she's been trying to do the right thing by trying to reach out to you in the past.

This isn't us going, "She's perfectly innocent, your brother is 100%, you terrible person!" This is a huge mess all around.

I can't recommend the book that @PrettyGirlLost recommends because I haven't ready it ... but now I really want to read it.

jdluvr06

@hisgirlfriday13 love the Wicked reference.

PrettyGirlLost

Nmarra823 said:

I was more shocked that I was really trying to do the right thing and include her and thought that this was going to be the start of a better relationship between us but it all back fired in my face. And now yet again with issues we have had in the past with her and my brother. It's always me that's wrong  I am always the bad guy. But looks like you guys are agreeing with them so now I feel worse.

I am not agreeing with her or you. . . I don't know either of you nor have enough info to take a side.

What I can see from your posts is that you, your brother, and your SIL have a dysfunctional relationship and communication issues, and that both you and your SIL were attempting to work on things for the better. But you all have a ways to go.

I thought you handled to text situation really well.

Emmy1493

So... you write this whole thing about your SIL being dramatic, yet ask her to be apart of your WP..? That makes zero sense. Even if you wanted to avoid drama, you knew that it was bound to happen sooner or later. Now there is no backing out unless you really want drama.

phira

To be honest, I'm not exactly sure what advice to give the OP in terms of what to actually DO next to resolve this issue.

jdluvr06

There isn't much you can do except ignore her drama and play nice.

hikebikebemerry

phira said:

To be honest, I'm not exactly sure what advice to give the OP in terms of what to actually DO next to resolve this issue.

Buy more wine?

HisGirlFriday13

hikebikebemerry said:

phira said:

To be honest, I'm not exactly sure what advice to give the OP in terms of what to actually DO next to resolve this issue.

Buy more wine?


They're not getting married for 17 more months. If she starts drinking now, she'll be in liver failure by then.

hikebikebemerry

HisGirlFriday13 said:

phira said:

To be honest, I'm not exactly sure what advice to give the OP in terms of what to actually DO next to resolve this issue.

Buy more wine?

They're not getting married for 17 more months. If she starts drinking now, she'll be in liver failure by then.

Lurkers- this is why you should wait until as least less than 1 year out to pick your BP.  Not doing so results in liver failure.

Edited because words are hard.

princessleia22

You should never invite people to be in your wedding party out of obligation. I don't get people that have 10 bridesmaids (I'm not saying you have that many, just in general), because there's no way they are all your best friends. And it just seems fake when you get a huge wedding party. Plus, it's just asking for drama. I think the bridal party should be reserved solely for your closest friends... the people that you would be absolutely devastated if they weren't standing beside you. I'd say that's typically only 2-3 people at most (not always though). And it certainly shouldn't be used as a gift to try to mend fences with someone you really can't stand.

And, just because you have one SIL in wedding party, absolutely does not mean you need to include the other one. So, your are right that you really should not have invited her into wedding party in the first place. But, it's too late for that... that mistake is made and there's no going back.  At this point you just have to make the best out of the situation from here.  Maybe this will be a chance for you to get to know each other better, who knows?  And maybe it won't be as bad as you anticipate. If not, bridesmaids really only have to show up to wedding in the right dress.  They don't need to help with anything else.   So, if it gets troublesome, don't have her involved in all the extras.  BUT, that doesn't mean you can exclude her completely.  She does need to be included in any/all activities that you do with all the other bridesmaids.  If you have all the BM's over to put help with wedding invites or assembling favors, you need to invite her too.  If you have one friend/BM over, that's fine.  But any BM events, need to include ALL of the BM's.  I'm hoping that you and SIL can work it out and things turn out okay for you.

PrettyGirlLost

nicoann said:

You should never invite people to be in your wedding party out of obligation. I don't get people that have 10 bridesmaids (I'm not saying you have that many, just in general), because there's no way they are all your best friends. And it just seems fake when you get a huge wedding party. Plus, it's just asking for drama. I think the bridal party should be reserved solely for your closest friends... the people that you would be absolutely devastated if they weren't standing beside you. I'd say that's typically only 2-3 people at most (not always though). And it certainly shouldn't be used as a gift to try to mend fences with someone you really can't stand.

I have 10 ladies in my bridal party, and yes, I am very close with each one- including both my FSILs.  I was also in a sorority and I am very close with the friends I made there- we go out together almost monthly.

I wouldn't have 10 BMs if I wasn't close to them all.

huskypuppy14

I don't think you did anything wrong OP (except maybe the over the top way you asked people to be your bridesmaids).

I see why you included your SIL but it wasn't necessary to do so. Just because you have one almost SIL who also happens to be your best friend as a bridesmaid, doesn't mean you have to ask your other SIL who you are not good friends with to be one too.

To the other posters: do you really think if the OP didn't ask this woman to be a bridesmaid that the situation would be any better? SIL would probably have stilled cried to OPs brother about how mean OP is to her.

PrettyGirlLost

laurynm84 said:

I don't think you did anything wrong OP (except maybe the over the top way you asked people to be your bridesmaids).

I see why you included your SIL but it wasn't necessary to do so. Just because you have one almost SIL who also happens to be your best friend as a bridesmaid, doesn't mean you have to ask your other SIL who you are not good friends with to be one too.

To the other posters: do you really think if the OP didn't ask this woman to be a bridesmaid that the situation would be any better? SIL would probably have stilled cried to OPs brother about how mean OP is to her.

Yep, I agree.