Okay, so quick background. My BF and I have been together for 4 1/2 years now, 5 this summer. The first 2 years he wasn't entirely sure how he felt about marriage and the commitment. Luckily, something clicked for him last year and he's been all for it ever since. We're not moved in yet. His family has some strong religious views that we haven't wanted to disrupt unless we're super comfortable moving in. Frankly, I'm not making enough to be comfortable. I have a horse who takes up a big chunk of my monthly expenses. I don't want to be drowning before we even start our life together. I don't love this situation but I want to go in with enough money to buffer any expenses, trying to be responsible. BF lives on his own though so I stay there whenever I can and I have my and "our" dog's items there so it's homey enough. Still not the same.
I don't want to hear anything about how if my BF wanted to marry me he would. I've heard it all before. I am okay with our decisions. We want to be more settled financially before we do anything. I'm just not happy that the situation hasn't gotten better yet. It's all just us being impatient and having that never ending want to move forward. We're basically waiting for one to get a decent job. BF works two jobs and is next in line for a promotion to full-time with good pay, it's a seniority waiting game. And I've been doing the best I can to land something better, I have a full-time job, just trying to find a more beneficial one. It's frustrating to say the least but we're really happy with each other and we want to stick it through, we both think we'll be better off when we finally get there.
Anyways, so my BFF got engaged last summer. They had only been dating each other for a year and she's in her very early twenties (me too). I kinda knew it was coming. I wish we would have been friends for longer cause I think that would help ground the problem, we've only been friends for about 2 years but we got close quickly. I love her to death but I'm not loving the fiance yet...he's okay and I'm trying really hard to like him, he's just not my type of person. But, that doesn't matter, he makes her happy and that's what I care about and he's not bad in any way. She bought a house for them both a few months after the engagement and now they've been living together. So there's 3 things I want and can't have...marriage, house, living together. These things I yearn for with my BF. Oh and I'm the maid of honor which I'm happy to be.
I have tried so very hard to not compare and to just be happy for our individual situations but it just keeps on creeping back up and bothering me. It's hard to watch her do all these things and talk about these things that I desperately want to have right now. I love that she's happy but it's hard to not associate my frustration with her. It drives me crazy some days that she's getting everything I feel as though I've earned more. I have 3 years over her relationship and I'm still not there which logically I get is not comparable and there is no point in worrying but that only works for so long...then the frustration creeps back up again.
There was also a few things recently with her mom wanting me to chip in more and be responsible for a bridal shower/bacherlorette party which honestly I was caught off guard and now feel a little down that I'm not being a good enough maid of honor. I cannot and won't contribute anything I can't and I don't feel bad about that at all. It bothered me a bit when it came up since she knows my position. I'm pretty sure she understands, I think it just doesn't help me feel good since I'm not all gung-ho and super duper happy all the time about her upcoming marriage. So then I feel like I'm being grouncy and not as good as I could be. If that makes sense.
Any tips for dealing? Anybody been through this? What helped? Just trying to be the best friend I can while still maintaining my sanity