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Anybody experience this? Friend getting married...

Okay, so quick background. My BF and I have been together for 4 1/2 years now, 5 this summer. The first 2 years he wasn't entirely sure how he felt about marriage and the commitment. Luckily, something clicked for him last year and he's been all for it ever since. We're not moved in yet. His family has some strong religious views that we haven't wanted to disrupt unless we're super comfortable moving in. Frankly, I'm not making enough to be comfortable. I have a horse who takes up a big chunk of my monthly expenses. I don't want to be drowning before we even start our life together. I don't love this situation but I want to go in with enough money to buffer any expenses, trying to be responsible. BF lives on his own though so I stay there whenever I can and I have my and "our" dog's items there so it's homey enough. Still not the same.

I don't want to hear anything about how if my BF wanted to marry me he would. I've heard it all before. I am okay with our decisions. We want to be more settled financially before we do anything. I'm just not happy that the situation hasn't gotten better yet. It's all just us being impatient and having that never ending want to move forward. We're basically waiting for one to get a decent job. BF works two jobs and is next in line for a promotion to full-time with good pay, it's a seniority waiting game. And I've been doing the best I can to land something better, I have a full-time job, just trying to find a more beneficial one. It's frustrating to say the least but we're really happy with each other and we want to stick it through, we both think we'll be better off when we finally get there.

Anyways, so my BFF got engaged last summer. They had only been dating each other for a year and she's in her very early twenties (me too). I kinda knew it was coming. I wish we would have been friends for longer cause I think that would help ground the problem, we've only been friends for about 2 years but we got close quickly. I love her to death but I'm not loving the fiance yet...he's okay and I'm trying really hard to like him, he's just not my type of person. But, that doesn't matter, he makes her happy and that's what I care about and he's not bad in any way. She bought a house for them both a few months after the engagement and now they've been living together. So there's 3 things I want and can't have...marriage, house, living together. These things I yearn for with my BF. Oh and I'm the maid of honor which I'm happy to be.

I have tried so very hard to not compare and to just be happy for our individual situations but it just keeps on creeping back up and bothering me. It's hard to watch her do all these things and talk about these things that I desperately want to have right now. I love that she's happy but it's hard to not associate my frustration with her. It drives me crazy some days that she's getting everything I feel as though I've earned more. I have 3 years over her relationship and I'm still not there which logically I get is not comparable and there is no point in worrying but that only works for so long...then the frustration creeps back up again.

There was also a few things recently with her mom wanting me to chip in more and be responsible for a bridal shower/bacherlorette party which honestly I was caught off guard and now feel a little down that I'm not being a good enough maid of honor. I cannot and won't contribute anything I can't and I don't feel bad about that at all. It bothered me a bit when it came up since she knows my position. I'm pretty sure she understands, I think it just doesn't help me feel good since I'm not all gung-ho and super duper happy all the time about her upcoming marriage. So then I feel like I'm being grouncy and not as good as I could be. If that makes sense.

Any tips for dealing? Anybody been through this? What helped? Just trying to be the best friend I can while still maintaining my sanity :)
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Re: Anybody experience this? Friend getting married...

  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Sometimes, there are serious pangs of jealousy we get when good things happen for the people we care about. My best friend sometimes has to take a facebook because she can't take more news of engagements and babies. We also get a lot of folks who come here, frustrated that other people in their lives have these things earlier than they do. It's really common.

    What you need to suss out is whether or not your jealous feelings are coming from the generic, "Something good is happening for someone else, ugh!" place, or if they're stemming from the fact that you really are not happy with how things are going with you. For example, when I was seeing engagements on facebook last summer, I was super irritated, and every time I saw another person I knew from high school posting their wedding photos, I was jealous ... even though I knew I'd be engaged within a few months. It wasn't because I was really unhappy with my own life.

    If you want to live with your boyfriend, that's a want you need to own. You don't need to be making a certain amount of money. And your life together? It's not like a clock starts when you sign the first lease or something. If anything, it's already started. It sounds like you're doing so much to avoid rocking the boat that you're not comfortable saying, "Hey, I want to live together. I'm ready. Are you?" Own it.

    In the meantime, remember that there's nothing you do to "earn" marriage or a house or anything. There are folks on these boards who've been with their significant others for years and years, without being engaged or married. There are folks who've gotten engaged and married quickly. The pace is unique to each couple, and it's determined by so many factors, that there's no standard. I know you know, logically, that you can't compare relationships. But it helps to remind yourself of that every time you get into that rut.

    As for being the maid of honor, the understanding here is that your responsibilities are to show up in the dress your friend picks out, and to be on time and sober for the wedding. I've found that just having my maid of honor's emotional support has been key for me, since I'm not looking for someone to do projects with (and when I am, that's what my partner is for). If you're feeling worried and stressed, sit down with her and let her know that you're feeling inadequate. Get all of her expectations to start with, and go from there. You will NEVER be as excited about her wedding as she is, even if you thought the guy she was marrying was fantabulousticulous.
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    CLoGreenEyes[Deleted User]Emmy1493smam00
  • Okay, so quick background. My BF and I have been together for 4 1/2 years now, 5 this summer. The first 2 years he wasn't entirely sure how he felt about marriage and the commitment. Luckily, something clicked for him last year and he's been all for it ever since. We're not moved in yet. His family has some strong religious views that we haven't wanted to disrupt unless we're super comfortable moving in. Frankly, I'm not making enough to be comfortable. I have a horse who takes up a big chunk of my monthly expenses. I don't want to be drowning before we even start our life together. I don't love this situation but I want to go in with enough money to buffer any expenses, trying to be responsible. BF lives on his own though so I stay there whenever I can and I have my and "our" dog's items there so it's homey enough. Still not the same.

    I don't want to hear anything about how if my BF wanted to marry me he would. I've heard it all before. I am okay with our decisions. We want to be more settled financially before we do anything. I'm just not happy that the situation hasn't gotten better yet. It's all just us being impatient and having that never ending want to move forward. We're basically waiting for one to get a decent job. BF works two jobs and is next in line for a promotion to full-time with good pay, it's a seniority waiting game. And I've been doing the best I can to land something better, I have a full-time job, just trying to find a more beneficial one. It's frustrating to say the least but we're really happy with each other and we want to stick it through, we both think we'll be better off when we finally get there.

    Anyways, so my BFF got engaged last summer. They had only been dating each other for a year and she's in her very early twenties (me too). I kinda knew it was coming. I wish we would have been friends for longer cause I think that would help ground the problem, we've only been friends for about 2 years but we got close quickly. I love her to death but I'm not loving the fiance yet...he's okay and I'm trying really hard to like him, he's just not my type of person. But, that doesn't matter, he makes her happy and that's what I care about and he's not bad in any way. She bought a house for them both a few months after the engagement and now they've been living together. So there's 3 things I want and can't have...marriage, house, living together. These things I yearn for with my BF. Oh and I'm the maid of honor which I'm happy to be.

    I have tried so very hard to not compare and to just be happy for our individual situations but it just keeps on creeping back up and bothering me. It's hard to watch her do all these things and talk about these things that I desperately want to have right now. I love that she's happy but it's hard to not associate my frustration with her. It drives me crazy some days that she's getting everything I feel as though I've earned more. I have 3 years over her relationship and I'm still not there which logically I get is not comparable and there is no point in worrying but that only works for so long...then the frustration creeps back up again.

    There was also a few things recently with her mom wanting me to chip in more and be responsible for a bridal shower/bacherlorette party which honestly I was caught off guard and now feel a little down that I'm not being a good enough maid of honor. I cannot and won't contribute anything I can't and I don't feel bad about that at all. It bothered me a bit when it came up since she knows my position. I'm pretty sure she understands, I think it just doesn't help me feel good since I'm not all gung-ho and super duper happy all the time about her upcoming marriage. So then I feel like I'm being grouncy and not as good as I could be. If that makes sense.

    Any tips for dealing? Anybody been through this? What helped? Just trying to be the best friend I can while still maintaining my sanity :)
    To the bolded part... people suck. No should be telling you what he's thinking or feeling as though they know better. They can't possibly know better. Ignore them.


    The jealousy you feel towards your friend? Shrug it off. You don't even like the guy she's with. Don't let it turn into resentment.

    I've been with my boyfriend a HELL of a lot longer than my closest friends. But one is married, the other is living together and the other is engaged... that sort of thing.
    The thing is... my relationship with my bf is solid. We are doing just like you are, saving up to someday live together responsibly and enjoying how our lives are now. I get the whole bed to myself. I spread out like a starfish every night. And I don't feel bad about it at all. Sure, it's nice to cuddle up to him when I go to sleep... until we wake up sweat soaked and my arms all cramped up. Starfishing is where it's at.


    When I think of some of my friends' relationships I try not to judge what I don't know. What I do know? I know I like my bf better than I like any of their significant others'. I like that he has never yelled at me in public. I like that he has never threatened to leave me. I get along really well with his family. My friends can't stand their in-laws and FILs. I am not in any serious debt. Some of their problems are even worse than just being in debt.
    Yeah, they might be living together or engaged or married, but... I'd rather be with my bf in our current position than be in any of their shoes. I don't take pleasure in their pain, that's not what I mean, but it does help me gain perspective. And it helps me to be even happier for them when fantastic things do happen, like when one of them gets engaged or pregnant. And it makes me super grateful that we are going at our own pace, and not as someone else's pace just to keep up.


    Her mother is bang out of order even approaching you about chipping in more and taking care of the shower and bach party.
    Not being able to financially contribute to something... not wanting to financially contribute to something... doesn't make you a bad MOH.

     Ignore her mother's future requests for money. As long as your friend isn't expecting you to chip in, then there shouldn't be a problem. Maybe offer to do something else, instead?

    I think you should work on accepting your current position a good one, even if it's not ideal. Where you are in life is not where you want to be, but you know where you would like to be someday, and that's more than most people.
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    Birdeye723
  • Birdeye723Birdeye723 member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary
    edited March 2014
    Thank for you responding! :) Unfortunately money does play a roll in my situation, I really can't afford to contribute much at all and I'm not okay with that personally. I want to carry my own weight or at least part of it and actually be able to help our expenses. I truly feel if we were to push it and move in or get married it now it would be putting more stress when we could simply wait just a bit longer and enjoy it more when we are able. However, we have agreed that if I still don't have something to be able to afford rent too when BF gets his promotion we'll move forward and just manage with what we have. I really don't want to get stuck financially and seeing as my horse as went through some major medical problems in the last 6 months, I was happy that I was able to save enough in between vet visits and paychecks to pay for everything. There's no way I would have been able to do that if I was moved out with the BF...unless I wanted to put money on my credit which I would really like to avoid. I am more happy to own it. I want to move in, I want to get married. He does too and I think we must say these things on a weekly basis. We are just caught with waiting for some things to be settled first. And I know our lives have already started now, I said that very generally meaning where most of our wants would be met vs. right now where we're left wanting major points of our relationship. We are both ready to move forward and tell each other whenever we can, but we are also both on the same page where we want to have some more stability. And trust me, I have rocked the boat! :) I rock the boat quite a bit these days because I really want us to be able to move forward and am not always accepting and happy about this. He knows very well how I feel. Thank you for your words, it helps to hear people saying what my brain is telling me. For me, it is pure jealously. There might be a hint of me being unhappy but when I really think about it and don't get all caught up with everybody else I really am happy with what we're doing. I just need a lot of reminding.
  • Simply fated, thank you for your post! I loved every word of it. It's actually exactly what my BF tells me all the time.

    I know all of this, I just wish I would remember it all the time! That's the hard part, I get in these funks over being jealous of things I don't have and forget everything I'm happy about. BF is fantastic about reminding but then I'm alone at night after he goes to bed at 7p...not much help then! And I think way too much for my own good.

    I really want to accept my situation to the fullest and some days I feel super solid on that. Others, not so much. I struggle with accepting it consistently, I still get caught up with other people. I would love to just have a switch on my brain for this problem. I should correct that, it doesn't bother me with other people so much as my BFF since we are so close and I want to hear about her life and support everything.

    But then she complains that she and her Fl don't see each other much during the week since they're so busy. I replied that I can't really say much since BF and I only see each a couple days out of the week, at least you're living together. Then she says, "yeah but it's different when you're living together...it's weird." Those are what get to me and bother me...obviously I don't want to say anything to cause conflict because she doesn't mean it how it came off to me but at the same time, she shouldn't be complaining! I feel like saying, "But you're still together every night and every morning...isn't that enough?"
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited March 2014
    My BF and I have been together for almost 5 1/2 years now. Almost all of my friends are married or engaged already. One time when I met one of my friend's FI (now H) he asked how long BF and I have been together. When I told him he said "Oh wow that's longer than I've even known A!" I just laughed because that's how it pretty much always is. I don't really see a point in being jealous. I love my relationship, I love that we're waiting until it's the right time for us. I'm not jealous of my friends because I know we'll get there when we get there. It's not a race and I'm not in a hurry. Besides, I have goals outside of my relationship that working toward and I'm focused on right now (like finishing my masters in a few months!). I'll be honest it took me awhile to achieve this perspective. Everyone has something someone else wants. I'm sure there are people who are jealous of things going on in your life. There's just no point to it though. Appreciating where you are and what you have is so much more satisfying than being jealous - which is what I had to remind myself every time I used to get jealous.

    Your friend's mom is way out of line on the MOH duties though. Your only requirement is to show up, in the right dress, sober on the day of the wedding. Everything else is all your generosity and you shouldn't feel pressured into giving more than you want.

    ETA: @SimplyFated - Starfishing is the best! I love having my own bed!


    [Deleted User]lavenderfields13
  • Simply fated, thank you for your post! I loved every word of it. It's actually exactly what my BF tells me all the time.

    I know all of this, I just wish I would remember it all the time! That's the hard part, I get in these funks over being jealous of things I don't have and forget everything I'm happy about. BF is fantastic about reminding but then I'm alone at night after he goes to bed at 7p...not much help then! And I think way too much for my own good.

    I really want to accept my situation to the fullest and some days I feel super solid on that. Others, not so much. I struggle with accepting it consistently, I still get caught up with other people. I would love to just have a switch on my brain for this problem. I should correct that, it doesn't bother me with other people so much as my BFF since we are so close and I want to hear about her life and support everything.

    But then she complains that she and her Fl don't see each other much during the week since they're so busy. I replied that I can't really say much since BF and I only see each a couple days out of the week, at least you're living together. Then she says, "yeah but it's different when you're living together...it's weird." Those are what get to me and bother me...obviously I don't want to say anything to cause conflict because she doesn't mean it how it came off to me but at the same time, she shouldn't be complaining! I feel like saying, "But you're still together every night and every morning...isn't that enough?"

    Everyone above has already offered great advice, so I'll just comment on the bolded. It is so temptingly easy to look at another's situation and think they've got it made, when the situation may be entirely different from what you as an outsider perceive. I'm not questioning that it's a great thing to live with your SO (haven't ever done it myself, so I really don't know), but from what I hear, there is quite an adjustment that both partners go through when it happens. Sometimes it takes a few months of utter weirdness for a couple to find their groove once they are living together. So I would be hesitant to tell her, or even think you know, how she *should* feel. You can't know every single circumstance they are experiencing together.

    You've made a solid decision to wait until you're comfortable financially to move in with your BF. That's a great thing! Own that. If you ever become discontent with that decision, it sounds like you have some wiggle room to change your plans if you want to. In the meantime, like you said, there's no room for comparison here. You guys are really just out to be the best couple you can be together, and no one else's relationship has any bearing on that. It's a choice you both make.

    Birdeye723
  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    There's been a lot of great advice made so far.

    Instead of focusing on what your BFF is doing, you should turn those frustrations into something good.  I've been able to pick these out from your posts:
    (1) To be better off financially/more financially stable
    (2) To live with your BF
    (3) To have more of a commitment with BF

    So you don't want (2) to happen until after (1) has happened for both you and your BF.  So, what do you do for a living?  Is more schooling an option or how do most people move up in the "career path(?)" you have chosen?  In all honesty, (1) is the only thing that you really can control yourself - so focus on that one.  If you want to post what you do and what your ambitions are, I'm sure the ladies of this board can offer advice on that one.

    The other 2 will come with time (blah blah blah - everything you don't want to hear).  All relationships go at their own pace.  I'm in my mid-30's, never married, no kids (besides the 4-legged kind), don't live with my FI.  When FI and I get married we will be 1 month shy of 7 years together.  After we are married he we will live together in my house but until we buy something else, most of his 'stuff' will stay behind in his house.

    I get that it's 'different' when you're not living together.  I feel guilty trying to clean up and get my laundry done when FI is over.  Right now FI goes home from work, does anything he has to do, comes over to my house and we have dinner together.  It does feel like it will be easier when we are living together, but honestly I'm not sure that it will be because it hasn't happened yet.


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  • GoldenPenguinGoldenPenguin Upstate NY mod
    Moderator Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its
    Okay, so quick background. My BF and I have been together for 4 1/2 years now, 5 this summer. The first 2 years he wasn't entirely sure how he felt about marriage and the commitment. Luckily, something clicked for him last year and he's been all for it ever since. We're not moved in yet. His family has some strong religious views that we haven't wanted to disrupt unless we're super comfortable moving in. Frankly, I'm not making enough to be comfortable. I have a horse who takes up a big chunk of my monthly expenses. I don't want to be drowning before we even start our life together. I don't love this situation but I want to go in with enough money to buffer any expenses, trying to be responsible. BF lives on his own though so I stay there whenever I can and I have my and "our" dog's items there so it's homey enough. Still not the same.

    I don't want to hear anything about how if my BF wanted to marry me he would. I've heard it all before. I am okay with our decisions. We want to be more settled financially before we do anything. I'm just not happy that the situation hasn't gotten better yet. It's all just us being impatient and having that never ending want to move forward. We're basically waiting for one to get a decent job. BF works two jobs and is next in line for a promotion to full-time with good pay, it's a seniority waiting game. And I've been doing the best I can to land something better, I have a full-time job, just trying to find a more beneficial one. It's frustrating to say the least but we're really happy with each other and we want to stick it through, we both think we'll be better off when we finally get there.

    Anyways, so my BFF got engaged last summer. They had only been dating each other for a year and she's in her very early twenties (me too). I kinda knew it was coming. I wish we would have been friends for longer cause I think that would help ground the problem, we've only been friends for about 2 years but we got close quickly. I love her to death but I'm not loving the fiance yet...he's okay and I'm trying really hard to like him, he's just not my type of person. But, that doesn't matter, he makes her happy and that's what I care about and he's not bad in any way. She bought a house for them both a few months after the engagement and now they've been living together. So there's 3 things I want and can't have...marriage, house, living together. These things I yearn for with my BF. Oh and I'm the maid of honor which I'm happy to be.

    I have tried so very hard to not compare and to just be happy for our individual situations but it just keeps on creeping back up and bothering me. It's hard to watch her do all these things and talk about these things that I desperately want to have right now. I love that she's happy but it's hard to not associate my frustration with her. It drives me crazy some days that she's getting everything I feel as though I've earned more. I have 3 years over her relationship and I'm still not there which logically I get is not comparable and there is no point in worrying but that only works for so long...then the frustration creeps back up again.

    There was also a few things recently with her mom wanting me to chip in more and be responsible for a bridal shower/bacherlorette party which honestly I was caught off guard and now feel a little down that I'm not being a good enough maid of honor. I cannot and won't contribute anything I can't and I don't feel bad about that at all. It bothered me a bit when it came up since she knows my position. I'm pretty sure she understands, I think it just doesn't help me feel good since I'm not all gung-ho and super duper happy all the time about her upcoming marriage. So then I feel like I'm being grouncy and not as good as I could be. If that makes sense.

    Any tips for dealing? Anybody been through this? What helped? Just trying to be the best friend I can while still maintaining my sanity :)
    1. No you're not. If you were okay with your decisions, you wouldn't be complaining about them and writing novels about why you're upset with them.

    2. The first part - it's not a competition. Your BFF & her FI are in this spot in their relationship because it's how their relationship has progressed. She's not any less "deserving" of where she is in her relationship because you've been in a relationship longer or because you don't like her FI. 

    The second part - the sarcasm is dripping thick over "Oh, and I'm the MOH." Doesn't sound very happy.

    3. You haven't "earned" anything. No one "deserves" or "earns" certain milestones in their relationship just because of the longevity. 

    Bottom line, if you keep up with the resentment, your BFF IS going to notice. She may have noticed already. Your relationship isn't any better, more special, or more deserving of anything just because you've been together longer. You're young - you have PLENTY of time. Relax.  



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  • I don't know why I have to be the bearer of bad news, but houses are expensive. So I don't think living together will make them cheaper.

    In other words, the most fun I ever had as a bridesmaid was when my BFF was the bride even though she was pretty demanding and her mom was a bit nuts. Sooo you're doing it wrong.

    Life is happening to you right now. Don't waste it
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
    GoldenPenguin
  • Emmy1493Emmy1493 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2014
    I remember when FI and I first started living together a few years ago. It was most definitely a huge change in our lives, but we were still humble and happy. Stressed a bit, but still happy. I also remember when my HS friends started getting engaged and having kids. I will admit I had a twinge of jealousy. I secretly wanted to be there in my relationship. I mean, FI and I have talked about the possibility of marriage before, but we were fresh outta HS and barely adults. Even being together for years before, we really had no clue. (And sometimes, still don't)

    After a few years of living together, our adult relationship really grew, and we had to learn to budget and compromise. It wasn't all just about what I wanted anymore. After figuring all of that out, and really living and understanding that, we knew marriage is what we wanted, but we didn't rush anything. There were still engagements, babies, etc, but I decided that I would have that when the time was right.

    Now we are two months away from our wedding. I feel really bad for wasting time trying to compare our relationship with everyone else's, when I should have really soaked in what I already had/have. I am sure you realize that, OP. But just remember to try and remain humble. I know this is cheesy, but good things really do come to those who wait.

    As for your friend, smile even if you want to cry. This is a big time in her life, and while you might not like him, she seems to. Just be there for her if she ever needs it. I know you know all of that, but it's always good to be reminded of all the blessings in your life. Whether it be a person, place or thing. You are always blessed. :)
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    Birdeye723
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I totally get wanting to pull your own weight with finances. I think it's usually a good idea if both partners are contributing equally to household expenses and rent/mortgage payments when they start living together. However, where are you living now? For both me and my partner, we pay a lot less living together than we did when we were living alone (or in my case, when I was living with roommates).
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    Birdeye723
  • Oh, where to start?

    First, I was pretty off-put by your second paragraph.  "I don't want to hear…"  Really?  Let me be clear.  When you go on a public international forum, of any sort, and you ask for advice, you don't then get to dictate the scope of that advice.  I've been personally slammed on forums many, many, many times, and whether I agreed with those slams or not, I put myself out there and made myself vulnerable to critique.  And so did you.  So put your big girl pants on and deal with whatever responses you SOLICITED.

    Second, get over yourself and be happy for your friend.  Jealousy is normal in certain situations, if someone has something you'd like.  How you respond to it is what determines the sort of person you are.  Don't hate her because things are going right in her life.  Would you want to be hated if the roles were reversed?  It's unreasonable, unfair, and selfish of you to treat her any differently because she has something you want.  And based on the way you're talking, I sincerely doubt that she doesn't know you feel this way.

    Also, rather than focusing on what SHE has and you don't, why don't you instead focus on what you DO have going right in your life?  You're in a relationship that you claim makes you happy.  That's a positive.  Are you healthy?  Do you have a roof over your head and food in your stomach?  Do you have clothes in your closet?  Do you have people who love you?  Do you live in a country that allows you to be educated and employed as a woman?  Are you educated?  Like, if you spent half of the energy you've spent being jealous of your friend, fixating on the positive things you DO have in your life, you'd probably be a much, much happier person.

    Also, you haven't earned anything.  The only thing we as humans earn is basic human rights, and in some countries, many people are denied those basic human rights.  Saying, "I earned XYZ" is what gives the Millennial generation a bad reputation, and often prevents us from being taken seriously as adults.

    Also, don't worry about what THINGS you can provide as MOH.  Why don't you first worry about being a supportive MOH, since you clearly are not one…since you secretly hate your friend for the things she has that you do not, despite your having "earned" them.

    Bottom line:  It's time to grow up.  Read what I've said as honest tough love.  I'm not saying any of this to be a bitch or because I enjoy bullying people online.  I've said it because it is 100% the truth, and you would do well to adjust your line of thinking.

    Best of luck to you.
    [Deleted User]bethsmilesCLoGreenEyesmbross3
  • BreMRBreMR member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I've been with my bf 12 years (yesterday!) Woo! So you can imagine the crap I've heard over the past  few years.  I agree with all of the previous responses, everything happens on your own time.  I've had plenty of friends get engaged and married (and some divorced) in the time that I've been with my boyfriend, and I've had friends be harsh and say "I wouldn't put up with not being engaged." However, in the 12 years we've been together we went through long distance, a surprise pregnancy, a house we couldn't afford, job losses, job changes, going back to school... and through it all we both knew we'd rather wait for a time to afford the wedding and life we dreamed of than struggling to pay for a wedding.

    I think it's okay to admit you're jealous, in fact, when one of my best friend's got engaged (after a year of dating) I told her flat out "Okay, I'm 99% happy and 1% jealous :) " It's okay... as long as you don't let it take away from what you truly want for yourself.
    image
    Birdeye723
  • I'm totally with you on the jealousy thing.  It's something I also need to get a handle on.  We had a long ass engagement and I was jealous of every single person that had their wedding before mine (majority of which got engaged after us), but that was OUR decision and now my wedding is around the corner.  I have realized how great this long engagement has been for us both financially and relationship wise and I recommend it.

    The only part I have to argue with is that we do live together as recommended by future FIL.  Though we live together, we hardly see each other.  It's not an exaggeration to say that I barely see my FI.  We went 3 days recently without so much as a conversation because our schedules were so opposite and I was sleeping when he was awake and vice versa.  It's taxing on both of us when we only get to see each other anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour a day.  I think it's a situation only understandable when you live together.  As is having a relationship where you don't live together which I too have done.  

    It's never easy and you will get there.  Like PP have said, it's not a competition and I'm sure you would much rather have your life and decide how you live it than being planted in anyone else's.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker}
    Birdeye723
  • Thank you for all the responses that were helpful and trying and understand.

    I get that I'm posting publicly and I'm not telling anybody to not respond with what they would like. What I meant was that I did not want anybody telling me they don't think my relationship is what it is since I am the only one currently here that can say that.

    I currently still live at home so I'm able to save a lot of money. It's not like I'm spending rent with somebody else or on my own.

    Yes, I tend to write a lot. I like to explain things so I don't get people coming in making assumptions and then I have to back track. If you don't want to read the long post, then don't bother to respond.

    The comments about me having to grow up, being selfish, and that I'm not really okay with my decisions hit a nerve. I'm not trying to complain about it, I am just trying to find better ways to deal with my stupid jealousy that creeps on me. I fully realize that it's not fair to anybody but yet there it is again. I don't always accept our situation but I am very well okay with our decisions since I fully agree with the reasoning behind it...I just wish the the reasoning didn't have to be there and we could just do whatever. But alas, that's not how life works, it doesn't just take love. My friend realizes that I've had some issues with this in general, she understands and I do not let it effect how I treat her...ever. I don't treat her differently at all. Sometimes I catch myself in my head being frustrated with her but I realize it's not her at all, we're just at different points of our lives. I never said I hated her or that I thought poorly of her.

    And there was NO sarcasm what so ever with me being the maid of honor. I said that like that because I forgot to mention it and didn't want to squeeze it in above. Sometimes things are really simple and not put that much thought into. I'm happy to be her maid of honor and I am very happy for her, let me just make that clear. Just because I have issues with myself and dealing with this does not mean I am not logical about it and in full realization that I shouldn't be caring who's doing what. It's easy to say it but it's another thing to completely demolish any thoughts that come my way.

    I'm not trying to say she's any less deserving at all but I'm not going to act like I think there aren't things that come with longevity. The main thing anybody should be thinking is just that every situation is different and everybody has their own paths. But, it's often truth that time does bring out all kinds of things both good and bad.

    Again, I appreciate all the helpful comments without judgement on me or my situation! I am happy to answer questions and fill any blanks, feel free to challenge me, but I don't want to be berated about my character when all I'm doing is trying to do the right thing and am fully open to my flaws.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    What exactly do you think comes with longevity? Nothing comes with longevity. It just doesn't work that way.

    Also, again you're telling people how to respond to post, which isn't going to go over well. @Loves2shop4shoes wasn't berating your character. She is blunt and honest and gives really excellent advice.


    bride2b71614KeptInStitchesGoldenPenguinloves2shop4shoes
  • I apologize if it came off that way, maybe I should have worded that differently. I'm not trying to tell anybody how to respond.

    I am usually blunt myself, I appreciate it but I am really not trying to be selfish at all and a lot of the things she said about me and my situation were not the case. I really am just honestly trying to handle my own issue and still be the best friend I can be. I realize that I shouldn't be feeling the way I am, I am trying to change that. It's gotten a lot better, just some nights it really gets to me. I'm not obsessing over it, some of the times it comes up in my brain it comes up strong, that's all.
  • And we'll have to agree to disagree about longevity. I'm not saying one person knows so much more than the other, there are obviously going to be different experiences to each relationship. I definitely still feel like though that there are things that come with more genuine time in vs. not having that time. I guess I just feel like there's more stability. I'm having trouble coming up with words as to how I feel about it.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Honestly, to me, it sounds like you want to feel superior about your relationship so you've decided longevity has to entitle to you something (even though you have no idea what that is). So you can put down your friends relationship by saying "yeah they're engaged but we've been together for so long so clearly our relationship is better."

    Her being engaged doesn't make her relationship better. You being together for longer doesn't make your relationship better. Just stop trying to compare.


    Blackbird230GoldenPenguin[Deleted User]loves2shop4shoes
  • Quick question: How old are you? You said you were fairly young. If you are in the late teens early twenties range, please consider that you have your whole life ahead of you, and that if you and the BF are meant to be, it doesn't matter if he proposes tomorrow or three years from now. It will happen on its own timeline.  

    It really doesn't seem as though you want advice. This is a public forum. You get a mixed bag of chips when you post. You want this board to validate your feelings. When the board didn't give you the desired result, you lashed out. Truth be told, everyone has been jealous of a friend or loved one at some point in time. Are you a bad person for being jealous of your friend? No, its natural, but put it aside and just be happy for her. Your time will come soon enough. 

    As for the money issue and the MOH duties, why is her mother involved in all of this? I am just confused, is the mother paying for/hosting these pre-wedding festivities for her daughter? Either way, it was rude of her mother to say anything to you. Provide what you can, be supportive of your friend, buy the dress she picked, and show up for the wedding day. Thats all you need to do. 

    That being said, @loves2shop4shoes (a regular on this board) is wise, she is blunt, she "keeps it real" and she provides suggestions that forces a person to look at themselves through their posts. Reread her post especially the portion thats comes after "bottom line". She was pretty clear about her intentions. If her words upset you so much,you should probably find out which portion stung most, and analyze why. 
    loves2shop4shoes
  • Birdeye723Birdeye723 member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary
    edited March 2014
    I'm 23. I'm sorry if I'm coming off wrong. I realize everything everybody has said and I agree for the most part. Yes, I know I have our whole lives ahead of us, I'm not saying it's not worth the wait and I'm not being negative towards our relationship just because we're not moved forward as much as we would like. We're happy where we are now and are trying to enjoy the moments.

    I want advice. If I didn't want any I wouldn't have posted anything. I'm not a selfish person and I am not hating my friend for being engaged or anything else she's done recently. Not at all.

    I wasn't trying to lash out but like I said it hit a nerve a bit. This is an emotional problem for me because I really want to be okay with it and not have any problems. Yes, I'm comparing more than I should and competing a bit...I'm not denying this. I never said I'm doing the right thing! I'm simply asking for suggestions to get over that stupid part of me trying to compare too much and just enjoy what I have.

    I'm not going to go into the longevity aspect just 'cause I can't find the words to appropriately explain what I mean.

    I was looking for people who have went through this and to hear how they stopped comparing. I don't have a problem when it's not my best friend, since she's so close to me and I hear about a lot of details the problem with me being insecure about not having things I want pops up more often. Usually I can remain positive and happy for what I have, It's like wanting chocolate and walking past a chocolate shop every day.

    A lot of the responses were exactly that and were wonderful! I got frustrated when told to grow up and that I was being selfish towards my friend. We are still great friends and I am always super happy for her. Comments like just grow up don't really do anything but tell me I'm not doing the right thing and I'm not acting mature which I take to heart since I pride myself on being able to handle things maturely and having a logical approach to things vs. just being emotional and crazy. (Which yes, is ironic, considering I took it emotionally...:) But there I am, that's why.)

    loves2shop4shoes post came off worst to me earlier, I can see now how most of it is helpful. I don't feel as though I lashed out above. Just as I said earlier, some comments hit a nerve and I responded as such. Again, I apologize if they came off more strong than I intended.
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    The more you explain yourself, the more it sounds like you feel like your friend shouldn't be engaged yet, and that you should be "farther along" in your own relationship than you are. I think that the first step to being okay with your friend getting married is letting go of the "age" of a relationship. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with you or your relationship if, at a certain point in time, you are not yet living together, engaged, or married (or owning a home together, or having kids together, etc. etc.).

    It also sounds like your friend's relationship is amplifying feelings of dissatisfaction you have about your relationship. It's one thing to feel concerned that (by your standards) someone is moving too quickly with their relationship. But it's another to compare it to yours as if you're somehow owed something because your relationship is longer.

    Difference between:

    "Sally, I am very excited for you, but I'm worried you're moving too fast. Most of our friends aren't married. Heck, Joe and I have been together for almost 5 years and we're enjoying life as is right now. We're all so young, we've got plenty of time to enjoy our relationships as they are."

    and

    "Sally, I am excited for you, but you're moving too fast. Joe and I have been together SO much longer, and it's not fair that you're engaged already and Joe and I still can't even live together."

    I am not suggesting that 1) you are explicitly feeling/thinking the second thing, nor am I advising you to 2) SAY these things to your friend. Do not say these things to your friend.

    When we come onto the boards and post, we often provide details or use particular phrasing/wording that conveys a lot of things to other forum members that we might not believe to be true. Less abstractly: You have, unintentionally, provided us with information in your posts that tells us a LOT more about your feelings that you probably even notice about your feelings.

    My advice? Turn off the defense. Pretend, for a few moments, that no one has actually misunderstood you, and that all of the advice and criticism is accurate.

    We really are here to help. I promise.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
    Birdeye723CLoGreenEyes[Deleted User]mbross3
  • Phira, it's a little bit of everything. Yes, personally I feel as though we should be farther along. Yes, I feel like my friend is moving a bit too quickly but I'm not in any position to say anything about that since I'm not in her relationship and maybe they are ready. There are particular things about what they've done together that I wouldn't agree with at all. So in my head I suppose I do feel a bit superior at times since I agree more with what we're doing. Is this appropriate, no. So, trying to get over that and not compare.

    And yes, my friend's relationship is definitely amplifying feelings of dissatisfaction. Not because I really don't agree with what we're doing or secretly I'm unhappy - it's just because I feel ready emotionally and mentally but am not with other factors.

    I appreciate the help, that's what I need. I just don't want to feel as though people think I'm being a snotty brat who thinks I'm better than my friend for just being together longer with my BF and because she's doing what I want to be doing. I really don't feel that way about her or her relationship. Having that said, I do think having a slight moment of feeling better helps me. But just because it gives me more confidence for a moment that I'm doing everything right for myself and my relationship...not because I feel better than her particularly, just in general that I'm doing the best for myself. If that makes sense?

    And this is in those moments that I have weakness about the situation. Most of the time I am fine and happy with my life and my friend's.
  • Blackbird230Blackbird230 Connecticut member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    Phira, it's a little bit of everything. Yes, personally I feel as though we should be farther along. Yes, I feel like my friend is moving a bit too quickly but I'm not in any position to say anything about that since I'm not in her relationship and maybe they are ready. There are particular things about what they've done together that I wouldn't agree with at all. So in my head I suppose I do feel a bit superior at times since I agree more with what we're doing. Is this appropriate, no. So, trying to get over that and not compare.

    And yes, my friend's relationship is definitely amplifying feelings of dissatisfaction. Not because I really don't agree with what we're doing or secretly I'm unhappy - it's just because I feel ready emotionally and mentally but am not with other factors.

    I appreciate the help, that's what I need. I just don't want to feel as though people think I'm being a snotty brat who thinks I'm better than my friend for just being together longer with my BF and because she's doing what I want to be doing. I really don't feel that way about her or her relationship. Having that said, I do think having a slight moment of feeling better helps me. But just because it gives me more confidence for a moment that I'm doing everything right for myself and my relationship...not because I feel better than her particularly, just in general that I'm doing the best for myself. If that makes sense?

    And this is in those moments that I have weakness about the situation. Most of the time I am fine and happy with my life and my friend's.
    Contradicting. 

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Everything I said above was as honest as I can be. I have no idea why that's contradicting. I kept up with the same thought in both bolded sections. In the second I was saying I still agree with what I'm saying and that I am still happy with that. I don't understand how they contradicted each other?
  • You said your friend's happiness is amplifying your dissatisfaction...I feel like you aren't happy, and are trying to convince yourself otherwise. You stated that up until last year he wasn't all gung-ho on the commitment front?  You aren't happy about how slowly things are progressing? Well...the timeline progression makes sense...he just started to get into the marriage mindset! This isn't about your friend AT all. This is about the fact that her happiness/success is making you insecure about your relationship. I know what its like to feel insecure by comparing yourself to others. It fucking sucks, but you can take these comparisons and put a positive spin on them by addressing the unhappiness you feel in your relationship. 

    Primarily I think that you and your BF have a communication problem. He is barely mentioned throughout your posts, its all about you, your feelings, you wanting stuff, your friend being with her FI for less time, it being unfair, reasons as to why he can't do what you want...Yet where does HE stand in all of this? If I were you, I'd sit him down and have a serious discussion expressing your frustration, and ultimately to create a rough estimate time line as to when you'll get engaged. It will clear things up and take focus off comparing yourself to your friend...I wish you the best of luck. I don't what else to say at this point. 
    CLoGreenEyesloves2shop4shoes
  • YES! at all the things @bride2b71614 just said! Everything I was thinking and lacked the brainpower to put into words, lol, especially the first paragraph.
  • See this is what I was trying to avoid, apparently I just made a bigger problem.

    I assure you me and my boyfriend are good. We have been communicating about our relationship since the very beginning. I am an over communicator if anything. He didn't used to be so great about communicating but has really gotten so much better over the years, I feel super confident with our communication right now and it's a lovely feeling. We both really want to move in or at least be more readily moving in that direction. We talk about this all the time and are very much on the same page. Point blank, he stands exactly where I am. It may have taken him a bit longer to get there but we are all in this together. We have had plenty of sit downs and conversations about my frustrations (our frustrations) and he understands to the fullest and is consistently pushing us forward in a positive manner.

    I am unhappy that we are not able to move forward as much as we want to right now. That is what is causing the confusion I think about what I'm happy and unhappy about. I wish that one of us had a better job, that's essentially what we're waiting for, just for one of us to have more stability and income with our job and then we can fill in the blanks between the two of us. As others have said, living together isn't necessarily cheaper.

    I have been applying and appyling and trying to get out of my certain situation. I work full-time now but my job is a dead end. I just recently had a wonderful interview for a much better job that would be make us able to move in - meaning I can afford more of my share to the point that he would be comfortable too. Just waiting to hear back. I have also been through the interview process for a dispatcher job with the local police department, I have an application and test scores into 5 other departments right now. Just waiting for the deadlines to be over to start the interview process all over again. I will go back to school when I'm a little more settled, I struggle with procrastination and I need a good environment and stable part of my life to be able to excel like I want. My boyfriend has two jobs right now, the one he's been at for over 4 years and is waiting for a full-time bid to come up. It is based solely on seniority and he should be up next. This is why we're waiting.

    I am however happy with our reasons for waiting. I want to be more financially stable. I don't want to have to have debt and I need to be able to afford my dog and horse if any medical expenses come up again. Yes, I maybe shouldn't have bought my horse when I was 17 but I loved her and can't let her go now. I am dealing with the sacrifice I made to buy her. Now her board is what I would have been spending on rent. Boyfriend is fully supportive of this.

    This whole thing is I am simply jealous of my friend being able to move forward right now and I'm having trouble not comparing the two relationships and how I feel we should have been there earlier since I've been feeling ready for a while now. My boyfriend and I worked through the part where he wasn't and now we're working through the part where we need more stability. It's frustrating for both of us because we want to jump right in.

    I hope that clears anything up. I honestly don't know what else to say either. I'm having a hard time understanding where I'm coming off wrong. I'm not trying to be confusing or anything.
  • And to just clear it further. It's amplifying my dissatisfaction with the situation, not with my relationship at all. I am still content and happy with the reasons, just not always with the waiting and watching other people move forward.

    I need to accept my situation better and remember that I am happy with the reasoning and we'll get there soon and none of this will even matter then.
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