Sad News

pinkcow13

One of my dearest and best friends called me a little while ago to tell me that her Dad passed away last night. I am so sad for her right now. Her Dad was sick for a while, and last I heard he was in the hospital indefinitely, he was suffering from kidney disease. My friend sounded really sad and dazed. She has an older brother and sister and she said her brother was taking it real bad. 

I want to do something beyond going to the wake and funeral but I don't know what, I also don't want to be overbearing or anything. My friend lives on her own so I was thinking of offering to come over one day and maybe cook for her and just be there if she wants to talk? I really don't know if there is something I can do for her at a moment like this.

I just feel so sad for my friend and I want to be there for her. It also makes me realize that life is so short and we really can't take anything for granted. The older I get I realize that my parents are also getting older and I should make more of an effort to see them more often before it's too late. 

HisGirlFriday13

Oh, wow. I am so sorry for your friend's loss.

I think your idea of offering to go over and help, cook, or just hang out, or even just sit in silence with her, is a really good one. 

Artemischief

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.

When my father passed away, my FI brought me all of my favorite junk food and a variety of movies, comedy, tearjerker, action...whatever I thought would be best. He sat with me and let me cry.  My friend came to town and brought lunch. You don't really need to talk, listening is the key here. No cliche "he's in a better place," while it might be true it doesn't change the fact that she can never talk with him again. Just be there for her, I think dinner is a great idea, especially if there are leftovers she can heat up.

JCbride2015

Oh no.  I really didn't want to open this when I saw the title and that it was from you.  I'm so sorry for your friend.

I think your idea to go over and just be with her is great.  They will probably get a lot of food in the first few days and right after the wake, but I'm sure she would appreciate if you came by maybe a few days or a week after the wake with some food ready to go in the oven and maybe a light chick flick movie to get her mind off things.

And maybe send her a candy or chocolate arrangement to the house, or whatever you know her comfort food is.  They'll probably have a lot of flowers and casseroles, but maybe you know something specific to her that she would really like.

phira

I'm so sorry

I would let her know that you'd like to help out with anything she needs. That might be a vague offer, so I'd back it up with specific examples: does she need you to drive her anywhere? Does she need you to help her with any affairs that have to be dealt with? Does she just want someone to come over and watch old movies with her to distract her? Etc.

I'm Jewish, so I also recommend bringing food. When my partner's grandmother died, I brought a casserole over for my future parents-in-law.

pinkcow13

Thanks guys. That's what I'll do then, and I think coming over with movies is also a great idea. She loves cupcakes from a cupcake shop near me so I'll bring some too. My friend has been so stressed lately over her Dad's health, work, and other things so I can't even imagine how she must be feeling. Ugh it just sucks, I've never heard her like this before. She almost could not speak, she was so dazed, I guess she was still shocked and absorbing everything. 

wandajune6

I'm so sorry for your friend.

Long-winded answer:
Years ago, an old boyfriend's dad died while we were living together out of state. I didn't know the family well so I spent a week cleaning for the endless guests, straightening up after everyone, doing airport runs, etc. It was a shitty week but it helped keep the family running. I don't think their immediate family noticed most of it at the time but more distant relatives and family friends definitely did. Years later, his gramma called me when we split saying how much she appreciated me during that period.

Lesson learned: stay in the sidelines and take care of the stuff that causes everyone stress.

KeptInStitches

I'm sorry for your friend's loss. If you wanted to bring her a meal that she could freeze for later, that would be really cool. When i've lost family members, it's been weeks before I've wanted to take care of myself at all. A frozen meal that I wouldn't have to put much effort into would be appreciated.

ktjanesmom

Be a good listener.  So many people want to add their own stories in.  Don't do that, just listen if she wants to talk.

phira

ktjanesmom said:

Be a good listener.  So many people want to add their own stories in.  Don't do that, just listen if she wants to talk.

Yes. Definitely. Usually, "When I was going through something similar" is not something that grieving people like to hear.

pinkcow13

That's true, the personal stories are something a grieving person does not need to hear. I am a pretty good listener so I can definitely offer her that.

Kauris

When a beloved neighbor in our hood passed we used this website to coordinate meals for her. https://www.takethemameal.com

I'm very sorry for her loss. 

jdluvr06

I'm so sorry for your friend. When my dad died I vaguely (I was only 8) remember people bringing us food. That really helped my mom a lot. I say do that and just take some time to be with her.

lc07

I agree with all the PPs. You will probably do this anyway, but keep in mind that she will likely still need support weeks and months from now once everyone pitching in wanes. Continue to be there for her and don't be afraid to ask her how she's coping with it down the road. 

Anything she can stick in the freezer and heat up is amazing.

When going through something similar, I really needed motivation to get basic tasks done. It would have been nice to have someone come over and help me clean the house, take me grocery shopping, help with my laundry. Those are really personal things so you'll have to take into consideration your relationship with her. But it was really hard for me to admit that those basic tasks felt overwhelming. And just having someone doing them with me or even just sitting with me while I did them would have been so nice.

AllOnOneDay

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss! It's a very hard road.

Biggest help for my dad when my mom died was keeping up with basics. He couldn't handle laundry as that was my mom's favorite task, she was always singing and dancing about her nook. He would forget to stock up on dog food. DF made sure to keep his banking and bills up to date from day one and still is.

Everyone brought lunch and dinner food. Simple breakfasts and snacks were nicer. I'm not ungrateful for the wonderful meals. But, at first, Dad would eat breakfast, then just picked at snacks and such. Even heating up a plate was too much. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, if bringing food for someone who is now alone, offer to share a meal when you bring one (Dad always accepted the company, when every dinner when home was with Mom for 54 years, eating alone is hard) or bring it as a single meal, ready to heat up. Dad couldn't dish up a portion, then save the rest.

If they take medication - offer to fill their weekly boxes or start them, pick up prescriptions if you can and make sure they remember to take the medication. Some days, I was too scattered to remember to take my meds. My dad was worse. I was so thankful his neighbor walked over with a glass of juice three times a day to make sure Dad took his medication.

Don't forget important dates. What would have been their 55th anniversary was downright horrible. I'm figuring birthdays will be as bad.

Odd things will remind them. Thin Mints got my dad. A FB post of DD (back of her head) looking at a computer when I was campaign calling last week titled "Start them young! Third generation to help campaigns before voting age, second to start prior to school age." got everyone, because Mom did drag us to campaigns.

NavyBlue143

I just wanted to add, it's important to still offer help and a sympathetic ear a few weeks/ months later. When tragedy strikes everyone wants to help (good) but grief isn't over in a week or even a month. People seem to forget that. It's not an intentional thing, life goes on and people are busy. But I know that offer of help can be even more precious when the mourners have gone home and suddenly you seem to be the only one who remembers you are suffering.

emmaaa

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.

I will say, this past year one of mine and FI's really good freinds died in a car accident. Mine and FI's best friend was B's cousin. They were close in age and very cose so obviously he took it really hard. We didn't know what to do either.

In situations like this, you feel so helpless and don't know what to do. What we decided to do is just be there for him. We went to his house for the days immediately after his death and mainly just sat in silence. If he wanted to talk, we would listen. If he wanted to be quiet, we would just sit there. We cried, laughed, talked, got mad, and every emotion in between. And I think for a lot of people that is what they need.

Another thing to remember is that for the first couple of weeks, there will be many people surrounding her and her family. After a while people will stop surrounding the family and that is when those people will really feel vunerable. That's when she will need you the most.

arrippa

Condolences to your friend.

I don't have any advice since I think the PP's gave great advice. I just wanted to say that I think you are such a great friend. Thoughts and prayers for your friend.

Jells2dot0

moemacWed30594 said:

Condolences to your friend.

I don't have any advice since I think the PP's gave great advice. I just wanted to say that I think you are such a great friend. Thoughts and prayers for your friend.

This. So sorry to hear of this loss.

pinkcow13

Thanks so much guys, and there was a lot of awesome advice I had not thought of. I'm going to see if my friend needs help with anything over the weekend, and during the week and take it from there. I know right now she is spending her time with her family, but I know after that she'll be needing more help. I'll probably make my famous lasagna which she loves, and a tray of that is great to freeze!

erinlin25

sorry for your friend and her loss   you are in the situation where you know your friend and know how she deals with these sorts of situations. Everyone is different so while some may want company and friend to cry on, not everyone is like that.  So definitely let her know you are there if she needs you--offer to bring some dinner over, or watch a movie, etc, but respect and or understand if she does not want company or wants to be with family.