Well...I think the saga has Finally come to an ugly end

PennyBlossom2311

Well, ladies.....It's over.

I think this saga has finally come to an end...

My friend has been really upset the last month bc there is no work for her FI and he hasn't worked in almost two weeks. She kept saying she was really upset that her FI might be cut from work bc there isn't enough work for him and he's being told not to come in....My dad works with her FI and without even thinking I called my dad to ask if everything was alright and how his workload had been. My dad has been complaining about work lately so I figured something was going on and he hadn't told me the details because he didn't want me to worry. I called and said "hey so and so said work is really slow and they've been cutting hours at your job. Are you alright? If something is, don't worry about the wedding, if that's why you haven't said anything. We set aside money to do it and we have no problem taking care of it" ( My dad has offered to pay for reception dinner since FI and I were paying for everything) My dad said he would call me back in a minute and hung up...Ok weird. Ten minutes my dad called me back and said. Work is going great. We are actually in overtime status right now. It's been tough bc bride friend's FI hasn't come to work in almost two weeks. He keeps calling in sick." my response..."Oh"

We got off the phone and I decided this was not good and not my business and I would not be telling my friend. I texted her and said I was busy with work but would catch up with her the next day....Later that night she texts me asking why I had my dad checking up on her FI and that he was really pissed off. I explained that since my dad works with him and he had been stressed lately too, I wanted to know if he was ok or had lost hours as well.

Move forward a day and she tells me that her FI is furious and she doesn't want me in the wedding, if there even will still be a wedding. She said that she told me her worries in confidence (I had not clue that it was and something that deals with my family, I am going to ask about.) She said her FI has called off the wedding and they are over.......This happened so fast, my head is spinning. I am apparently the devil now.

I want to thank you all for your advice and snarky remarks that have made this experience a little better. I'm still shaking my head on how ridiculous this all is.

Chipmunk415

Yeah....something else was going on there....you probably shouldn't have told your Dad who was telling you that hours were being cut-should have stayed vague, but with the "he's calling in sick" and the immediate call off wedding/break up leads me to think he was fooling around on your friend.

abbyj700

Fooling around or drug addiction. Missing nonstop work like that is not typical, even of someone having an affair. Someone who makes the decision to call off work everyday and then tells their SO that things are slow...HUGE red flag. 

Your friend is right to be upset right now. I don't think you did anything wrong. BUT she's going to be upset. Luckily...you probably just saved her from something all kinds of terrible by accident...

PennyBlossom2311

I didn't even think when I called him. I just said "hey so and so said work is bad..How are things?" Didn't even think that anything was being implicated becasue I didnt think there was something wrong going on. I probably shouldn't have said who told me that, I guess I was expecting from him "Yea things are pretty slow. I didn't want you to worry." When he told me what he did, I decided that I wasn't going to bring it up with my friend and I didn't.....Idk It's nuts right now. I honestly didn't think that anything more than a confirmation of work stresses about work was going to be talked about...Totally blew out of proportion. This is his 10+ time of clling off the wedding. It's a pretty normal occurance during any dissagreement. I've apologized several times. It was not my intention at all. I feel awful becasue I took what she told me and her worries and asked my father if he was ok.  

PennyBlossom2311

@ abbyj700 - I have no clue what's going on and would never tell her something that there was no concrete proof of. It's not my place on why he missed so much work. Although she told me that he missed work becasue there was no work and then yesterday it was becasue he had been sick and then last night it was becasue he wanted to take time off to rethink if he wanted to stay at this job. Each time I told her I didn't care why he didn't go. I didn't talk to my dad to follow up on her FI. I talke to my dad to see if his work was going alright. She's telling me now that her FI might lose his job and this is my fault that he's being questioned for being out of work. He's telling her I had my dad checking up on him and that I did all this on purpose.....Not even close. Someone tells me that there is no work and hours are being cut, and it could impact my father, I'm going to ask if everything is ok for him.

So right now, I am a liar and am only trying to get her FI in trouble and now she's telling me all these different reasons why he wasn't there....Not my buisness. But she's believing all of it.

HisGirlFriday13

I don't think you did anything wrong. She didn't tell you or even imply that what she was telling you was in confidence. Obviously she KNOWS that your dad and her now-ex-FI work together, so her telling you that work was slow would obviously have triggered a worry for you.

The fact he's calling in 'sick' tells me it's something else -- an affair, an addiction, depression. If it were just an addiction, though, I don't think he would have called off the wedding OR that he would have reacted so violently to your having asked your dad.

I'm guessing affair AND addiction. Wow. That's a lot for this early on a Friday.

grumbledore

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I don't think you did anything wrong. She didn't tell you or even imply that what she was telling you was in confidence. Obviously she KNOWS that your dad and her now-ex-FI work together, so her telling you that work was slow would obviously have triggered a worry for you.

The fact he's calling in 'sick' tells me it's something else -- an affair, an addiction, depression. If it were just an addiction, though, I don't think he would have called off the wedding OR that he would have reacted so violently to your having asked your dad.

I'm guessing affair AND addiction. Wow. That's a lot for this early on a Friday.

Agreed, I don't think you did anything wrong either OP - sorry you had to deal with all that drama!

OliveOilsMom

If your friend's FI looses his job its his own fault.  Most companies require proof from a doctor if they call out more than 3 days in a row.  He has something going on and it's not your fault.  You called your dad out of concern.  Even if you didn't mention friend's FI's name, I'm sure your dad would have figured out who it was you talked to.  I mean how many other people at that job are you so personally connected with?

PennyBlossom2311

@ HisGirlFriday13 - It is a lot for a Friday, but at least it's not a Monday...My week would be starting off on a very bad note lol.

I think something is going on, especially since he's so mad about this and no matter how many times I repeat myself that she her many comments on the lack of work made me worry so I asked my dad if everything is alright. I won't apologize for that. Anything that could involve my family, I'm going to ask. But, he's taking it as an attack on him. For him to lose his job, as he's telling her, he would have to fail a drug test. It wouldnt be becasue he took time off. I just told her if she  doesn't want me in the wedding, I wil respect her decision and then just kept quiet about eveyrthing else. I told her multiple times, why he was out is none of my concern and I don't care. My concerns had nothing to do with her of her FI.

FiancB

Dude, don't feel bad at all. I never would have thought this was a big deal either. People get hours at work cut all the time and if I would've known someone else working there I'd ask them too- father or not, but especially if it were my father!

Your friend is so self-centered it seems like she can't grasp the concept at all that you weren't asking to be nosy about them. Her FI sounds absolutely loony and like he's up to something. Really, it's your fault, like no one's noticed he hasn't been showing up to work???

You did her a favor but good riddance to the both of them all the same. 

hikebikebemerry

Have you mentioned her (ex?)FI wanting to call of the wedding in another post?  I feel like I remember that.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation, but I (personally) wouldn't be sorry that it happened.  It really sucks that you lost a friend, and I understand that you feel badly, but you can't live your life walking on eggshells.  Plus, it's not like she explicitly stated, "I'm worried that FI isn't going to work, but he's saying that they're cutting his hours, but please don't say anything."

She's just really hurting right now.  She may or may not come around, but in the end you may have saved your friend from a disastrous marriage; and if accepting any fallout that will prevent a friend from being in a terrible situation isn't real friendship, I don't know what is.

Sending you all of the hugs and wine on the internet!

kmmssg

You did nothing wrong and you have nothing to apologize for.  You were told a situation was occurring where your dad works.  Your dad had made a promise to help pay for your wedding which means a chunk of change.  Your dad had been complaining about work but not providing any details.  Sounds like the perfect combination of why you would call to see if everything is ok and to reassure him to not worry about the wedding. (As a MOB who hosts/pays for her girls weddings I would be worried if my job wasn't going well)

I am voting addiction/alcohol/affair here.  There is a lot of addiction/alcoholism in my family and that sounds like something my late brother would have concocted - quite successfully, because they are really good at it.

I am sorry about your friend's reaction.  If her ex is an addict she is reacting in a very codependent way - everyone else is wrong and her FI is the victim.  If this is the case he has been priming her like this since the beginning.

I hope one day she can see what really went down here and apologize to you.  You have been more than incredibly gracious so far...and a pretty cool daughter too.

climbingsingle

I really don't think you did anything wrong at all. Hopefully she'll eventually realize that and apologize to you. 

PennyBlossom2311

Thank you ladies. I could see some PP points about why I shouldn't have asked except that I didnt call and say "hey Dad...so and so says her Fi isn't going to work. Can you check up on that?" I asked becasue it had been brought up several times, I figured something might really be going on that Dad hadn't told me. So I asked. When I called he didn't just hang up on me but it was a "That's strange, work is going fine. We're actually really busy and gearing up for some new projects. So and so has been calling in daily saying he's sick. Let me call you back in a few minutes." He called back a few minutes later and told me about his discussion. Realizing that this wasn't a good bit of information, I decided I would not be mentioning this to my friend. I didn't call to ask for her so this new info wasn't my place to say anything. It still bit me in the butt.

As a PP asked, this is the same person I have posted about before. I don't talk to anyone except FI about this stuff, so you guys are kind of my outlet. It's not my place to go talking about someone's relationship (except with complete strangers and I like the unbiased advice). But he has called the wedding off several times. It's nothing new.

I do get that she's hurt about this. I would be too. But she told me that he said I am a horrible friend and that I did this deliberately. She's fully on board  with everything he's telling her and I know that he has told her that I had my dad check up on him. (Really? Why the hell would I care why he doesn't go to work? Not my buisness.) She told me work was bad and her FI had his hours cut for the last two weeks.. My initial thoughts: hmmmm my dad works with him. Could this be impacting him as well? My concern had nothing to do with her FI. It's just crazy.

hikebikebemerry

@PennyBlossom2311

Maybe this is good for you too.  Perhaps this friendship has started to turn toxic for you, and it sucks- but at least you don't have to deal with it anymore.

Here, have some puppies!!

chibiyui

Another vote for you did nothing wrong and your friend is better off without him.

HaileyDancingbear

I don't think you did anything wrong- when you hear from someone that work is going horribly or business is bad with a company that your father works for, why wouldn't you want to check on him to see if he's doing ok?

If she wants to be pissed at you for checking on/ being concerned for your father after hearing news that would have affected him (had it been true) then let her.  Clearly her FI was up to some shit, and it's really a shitty thing for her to be taking out her emotions on you-  If she caught her FI messing around, then that's all on her FI, being mad at you is just stupid.  Maybe you're partially responsible for her finding out (Which really I would be grateful if I had a SO lying to me and someone helped me find out- I don't like being lied to and would want to know the truth anyways) but you're not responsible for what he did. 

I think she's being irrational right now, which I guess I CAN understand- sometimes when something really bad happens people have a hard time remaining rational about it.  It doesn't make any sense at all to, but she's displacing her anger towards her FI onto you and lashing out.  There is a chance that after she has some time to process what happened and her own emotions, she'll realize you don't deserve this treatment and aim her anger toward the correct target.  If not, let that bridge burn.  No reason to keep people in your life who can flip out at you even when you did nothing wrong, because Idk about you but I hate walking on eggshells around people.

JCbride2015

Yep, another vote that you did nothing wrong.  She didn't imply this was a secret, and it affected your dad, so of course you called him.  She's better off for having found out the truth, even if she's mad at you now.

It sounds like this woman is pretty toxic though, so I might just let the friendship fizzle at this point.

kmmssg

PennyBlossom2311 said:

Thank you ladies. I could see some PP points about why I shouldn't have asked except that I didnt call and say "hey Dad...so and so says her Fi isn't going to work. Can you check up on that?" I asked becasue it had been brought up several times, I figured something might really be going on that Dad hadn't told me. So I asked. When I called he didn't just hang up on me but it was a "That's strange, work is going fine. We're actually really busy and gearing up for some new projects. So and so has been calling in daily saying he's sick. Let me call you back in a few minutes." He called back a few minutes later and told me about his discussion. Realizing that this wasn't a good bit of information, I decided I would not be mentioning this to my friend. I didn't call to ask for her so this new info wasn't my place to say anything. It still bit me in the butt.

As a PP asked, this is the same person I have posted about before. I don't talk to anyone except FI about this stuff, so you guys are kind of my outlet. It's not my place to go talking about someone's relationship (except with complete strangers and I like the unbiased advice). But he has called the wedding off several times. It's nothing new.

I do get that she's hurt about this. I would be too. But she told me that he said I am a horrible friend and that I did this deliberately. She's fully on board  with everything he's telling her and I know that he has told her that I had my dad check up on him. (Really? Why the hell would I care why he doesn't go to work? Not my buisness.) She told me work was bad and her FI had his hours cut for the last two weeks.. My initial thoughts: hmmmm my dad works with him. Could this be impacting him as well? My concern had nothing to do with her FI. It's just crazy.

The bolded part is classic addict.  It is YOUR fault, HE is the victim, and SHE needs to stand by HIM.  Classic.

banana468

Another vote for doing nothing wrong so do not apologize.

At this point, I wouldn't initiate contact at all. She's being irrational and is probably in a lovely state of denial.

MairePoppy

This isn't your fault. Someone has been lying to his fi and got caught. He needed a scapegoat and you were the best candidate. He's managed to shift her anger from him to you. Don't take responsibility for his bad behavior. 

If your friend and her fi get back together, he will probably cut you out of her life. Please let her know that you care about her and will be there for her, if she needs you. Until then, keep your distance.

KPBM89

Def agree with PP: you didn't do anything wrong.  

She either didn't know what he was doing (affair or addiction or what have you) or she did and was covering it up (by saying he wasn't being offered work, but was actually just calling out).  

Whether she knew or not, you were being legitimately concerned for her and she's finding someone to blame for her FI's behavior.  She's being stupid and I wouldn't try to talk to her, or help her, anymore. 

PennyBlossom2311

I appreciate the support ladies. Upon reading and rereading everything here and going through some of our (my friend and I) correspondence, I have decide to not engage. I am not going to get into a finger pointing war with them. I did not speak to my father with a hidden agenda. I have explained this to her multiple times and am tired of repeating myself. If her FI's supervisor came to other conclusions becasue of his reasonings for not coming to work, that is not my buisness. Do I think something is going on? Absolutely.

(This is not my first rodeo. I lived with an ex for two years when suddenly, he "sold" his truck, our fourwheelers, etc. He got laid off, and started asking for money. I was paying internet and tv bills and suddenly we didn't have a TV or a computer because they were "stolen" I moved out becasue something was going on that he wouldn't tell me or come clean about. Flash forward six months and he lost his house and was in rehab for an addiction to pain pills.) No one told me they thought something was going on. No one said a word although everyone knew. But when the flags started appearing, I had the gumption to demand answers. When I didn't get them, I left.)

I feel bad for her becaue of everything she has shared with me. There are many red flags. But, as many people have pointed out that there comes a point when you can't protect a friend. She is ultimately an adult and I can't make these decisions for her. She wants a wedding and has blinders on the possible reality of the marriage. She can be mad at me and she can blame this on me if she wants. I'm not going to get into it with her. I'm just going to let it go. There is nothing more so say and nothing more that can be done.....sad but true.

PennyBlossom2311

I will of course always support her if shit hits the fan with them. (Before him, she was one of my closest friends. She was sweet and funny and genuine, but wedding friend is a completely different person. Part of me wonders if she knows things between them have gotten bad so she has a nonstop focus on the wedding to keep herself distracted.....Not sure. For now, I'm done. If she wants me out of the wedding, that's fine, I will respect it. (I put money that the wedding will be back on in two days. It's how he works. He  calls it off to scare her and get what he wants out of a given situation) I will always be there. If things fall apart, I will have her back. But other than that....It's time to just let it go.

photokitty

You did nothing wrong. I'm always going to put my concern for dad above my friend's opinion of what I should or should not talk to him about. You did not reveal anything that should have been held in confidence. You had a legitimate reason to be concern about your father, his job and financial situation - since he was offering to pay for part of the wedding expenses.

She will either thank you in the long run or she will ignore the red flags and find herself in a relationship that will ultimately drive her away from everyone except for her FI. You did the right thing for you and your father and owe her no apology.

kmmssg

PennyBlossom2311 said:

I will of course always support her if shit hits the fan with them. (Before him, she was one of my closest friends. She was sweet and funny and genuine, but wedding friend is a completely different person. Part of me wonders if she knows things between them have gotten bad so she has a nonstop focus on the wedding to keep herself distracted.....Not sure. For now, I'm done. If she wants me out of the wedding, that's fine, I will respect it. (I put money that the wedding will be back on in two days. It's how he works. He  calls it off to scare her and get what he wants out of a given situation) I will always be there. If things fall apart, I will have her back. But other than that....It's time to just let it go.

Can I just say you really sound like one awesome human being?  The concern  you had for your father, they way  you have handled your friend so far, and your willingness to be there if she comes to you speaks volumes about you as a person and your priorities.

I am sorry to hear of your experience with an addict but I commend you for how you handled it.  You know, first hand, that it is very difficult and you did it.  Go You!

MairePoppy

I agree with kmmssg. You sound like an awesome daughter and friend. 

PolarBearFitz

kmmssg said:

PennyBlossom2311 said:

I will of course always support her if shit hits the fan with them. (Before him, she was one of my closest friends. She was sweet and funny and genuine, but wedding friend is a completely different person. Part of me wonders if she knows things between them have gotten bad so she has a nonstop focus on the wedding to keep herself distracted.....Not sure. For now, I'm done. If she wants me out of the wedding, that's fine, I will respect it. (I put money that the wedding will be back on in two days. It's how he works. He  calls it off to scare her and get what he wants out of a given situation) I will always be there. If things fall apart, I will have her back. But other than that....It's time to just let it go.

Can I just say you really sound like one awesome human being?  The concern  you had for your father, they way  you have handled your friend so far, and your willingness to be there if she comes to you speaks volumes about you as a person and your priorities.

I am sorry to hear of your experience with an addict but I commend you for how you handled it.  You know, first hand, that it is very difficult and you did it.  Go You!

I second this completely. You sound like a level headed and caring person.

princessleia22

I don't think you did ANYTHING wrong.  I would have checked to see if everything was okay with dad, too, if I were in that situation.  It sounds like there is something more going on with FI and they are just looking to project the blame to you, rather than take responsibility for their own actions. And she may be in denial and eating up every lie he's telling her.  And if he's calling off wedding, and trying to blame you for it, I can see where she would be angry at you too.  But, only because she seems to be sucked into his lies and believes everything he's telling her. But, any anger toward you, from either of them, is misplaced.  Unfortunately, you get stuck paying the consequences and having to feel bad when you did nothing wrong.

pinkcow13

Sorry to hear this is how it all turned out. But like others said, you did nothing wrong. And you sound like an awesome friend and daughter.

jdluvr06

You didn't do anything wrong. I would have been calling my dad to make sure everything was alright too. Sorry you got shoved in the middle of this (((hugs)))