Wedding Etiquette Forum

Person booked non-refundable flight to my wedding, but she is not invited, what do I do?

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Re: Person booked non-refundable flight to my wedding, but she is not invited, what do I do?

  • kgd7357 said:
    Just a thought - Did this person book their ticket specifically for your wedding, or do they have other people in the area who they hoped to visit with? You never know unless someone specifically asks. Maybe she's visiting with other friends or relatives while she's there and attending your wedding was just an added bonus?
    Very much just for the wedding. All the people she wanted to see are going to be at the wedding. The whole family did plan to stay in the country for two weeks after for touring, which my poor mother is dreading, since it means they will be decending on her house.
    Your mom doesn't have to host them at her own home.  It would be a kindness for her and your dad to take them out to dinner or something, but they could insist that this family stay at a hotel.
  • kgd7357 said:
    Just a thought - Did this person book their ticket specifically for your wedding, or do they have other people in the area who they hoped to visit with? You never know unless someone specifically asks. Maybe she's visiting with other friends or relatives while she's there and attending your wedding was just an added bonus?
    Very much just for the wedding. All the people she wanted to see are going to be at the wedding. The whole family did plan to stay in the country for two weeks after for touring, which my poor mother is dreading, since it means they will be decending on her house.

    Your mom doesn't have to host them at her own home.  It would be a kindness for her and your dad to take them out to dinner or something, but they could insist that this family stay at a hotel.

    You don't know these people and my parent's inability to say no. Although that is not my problem. Fitting people comfortably into a room is my problem.

  • kgd7357 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Sounds like you are doing things the right way.

    I've been to receptions where the bar/s were not in the main room, but in a hall, so I'm fine with this.  

    All the best!
    Same here and no one had a problem with it.  It was actually nice because if you wanted to get away from the music all you had to do was go out to the hallway where the bars were.

    Hmm, maybe we'll do one in the room and one in the hall anyway. It'll give a little more dance space, and people can hang by the outer bar if they want a breather. There are some little sitting areas out there too.
    I say to go for it!!! I would much rather have an excuse to escape the party every now and again at weddings.  If only my reception had this as an option :/
  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    One of the venues we looked at had a separate room for cocktail hour AND a bar in the reception hall, and they told us that the cocktail hour room would still be part of our reception space, so guests could go in during the reception if they wanted to. We ended up picking another venue (owned by the same people), but it was REALLY hard to decide because my partner really wanted people to be able to go into the second room if they wanted a break from the reception hall.
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  • I think you came up with a great solution, and agree that having bars in the hallway isn't a major issue.

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  • kgd7357 said:

    Background: My dad grew up in Germany and is still very close with four couples (sibilings). Three of the couples have grown kids (all in their twenties) who are not invited. We do not have space, as we are not at fire code, but we are about 10 invitees above what the venue recommends for enough dance floor space. We also don't expect a whole lot of declines. The couples got STDs in October for our June wedding. About a month ago, my dad got a FB message from the 26 y/o daughter of one of couples saying she was excited for the wedding. Uhhh, she is not invited....Turns out the whole family including another daughter (24 y/o) booked flights already. The only non-refundable flight is the 26 y/o who is coming from Canada vs. Germany. They family has asked if they can all come. Invites have not been sent out yet.

    Note: Budget is not an issue. Space is.

    These are options that have come up, but I'm at a loss for what to do:

    1) Just let them all come and address the invite as such.  Issue is that the other siblings will not be allowed to bring their adult kids. I don't want to start a chain reaction. Also, the problem is the room is already sooooo packed. And while the fire code allows 40 more people, the dance floor gets cut down, and no way I'm having tables moved to allow dancing.

    2) Address the invite to just the parents, and tell them, I need to wait to see how many declines I get to see if we can fit the girls in. I don't really think this is B-listing, since the girls are not invited. It would be more like accomodating.

    3) Just say no. And tell them to eat the ticket. Issue here is that I think this would hurt my dad's friendship with them.

    4) Allow the daughter(s) to come in the parent's place. Only one of the daughers has the non-refundable ticket.

    5) Some other option.

    Please help! I'm open to all ideas that will help me deal with this tactfully and also keep my dad's friendship okay while still being able to breath in our venue.

    Can you have the venue remove a bunch of tables after dinner so that there is more room for dancing?

    I have seen this done with great success.  The tables were removed after dinner, but the chairs were left, they were just moved out of the way.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • kgd7357 said:

    Ok. Thanks for all your responses. I think this is what I'm going to do.

    1) Send the invites as planned with only parents on the invites so that all the siblings invites look the same. Hopefully this will stop the chain reaction.

    2) Have my dad tell them the exact problem with space, and explain that  we will squeeze the girls in; however, we aren't inviting any other non-family kids, so please don't advertise this, and if the siblings ask, please explain the issue. The girls are old enough so that no one else will really know that they came with parents.

    3) Cross my fingers and hope that we get at least two declines so we don't have to put both bars in the hall.

    A few other notes:

    The save the dates had the parents specific names on them (e.g., John and Jane Doe).

    My dad is an avoider, but he did not ever indicate to them that they were invited.

    220 is the room cap with tables, 200 is the ideal set up max. With the girls we will be at 212.

    My family are dancers, so the dance floor is important, we will have to move bars vice cutting dance floor size if we aren't under 200.

    I made a big deal about having a close family (aunts, uncles, first cousins) and wedding party only RD, so I can't really add people to that. My dad originally basically wanted to host an extra wedding reception for the RD, ugh. My FILs are paying so I really needed to nix that.

    Thank you for all the thoughts.

    Then move the bars!  I'm big on dancing too.

    Also, see if some of the tables can be removed after dinner.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Sounds like a good plan OP! And I wouldn't be surprised if you did get a few more declines and everything fits nicely!

    This whole thread has made me think about a situation I may be in! My cousin's wedding is this fall on a lake in Maine. Now that is drivable for my family but other cousin's families are flying in. Everyone is talking about renting houses on the lake for that week too (we already put a deposit down!) And now I am thinking how I never got a STD. At my Nana's funeral in December this cousin mentioned STDs were going out soon.

    Now I feel like I am assuming an invite, but by no mean does she HAVE to invite me. In our family the siblings (my mom and her brothers) made a promise that everyone attended EVERYONE'S Bar/Bat Mitzvah (we live all over the country so it was a 15 year period that we were guaranteed to see each other at least once every 1 or 2 years.) Now as we all get married this will be wedding #7 of the 10 cousins and I have not only been invited to all so far I have also attended every one (I am the only cousin that has!)

    Anyways all that was just to justify my assumption, but I guess worse case I still have the lake house to stay at for a week if I don't get the invite....
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  • I'd make room. This is a horrible misunderstanding, but wouldn't want this to damage my dad's relationship. I could see if you were over capacity, but 2 more people won't hurt. I would send the invitations to the 4 couples (and not the adult children) as planned, but behind the scenes, I would make accommodations. I wouldn't assume that this will turn into a domino effect where all the adult children of all 4 families will now think they are invited and come. I'd assume the other couples know that only those people listed on the invitation are invited, and that not all of the adult children are going to want to (or can afford to) come.
  • If you take away my table, I will leave early and be grumpy and side-eye you.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • edited March 2014
    Viczaesar said:
    kgd7357 said:

    Background: My dad grew up in Germany and is still very close with four couples (sibilings). Three of the couples have grown kids (all in their twenties) who are not invited. We do not have space, as we are not at fire code, but we are about 10 invitees above what the venue recommends for enough dance floor space. We also don't expect a whole lot of declines. The couples got STDs in October for our June wedding. About a month ago, my dad got a FB message from the 26 y/o daughter of one of couples saying she was excited for the wedding. Uhhh, she is not invited....Turns out the whole family including another daughter (24 y/o) booked flights already. The only non-refundable flight is the 26 y/o who is coming from Canada vs. Germany. They family has asked if they can all come. Invites have not been sent out yet.

    Note: Budget is not an issue. Space is.

    These are options that have come up, but I'm at a loss for what to do:

    1) Just let them all come and address the invite as such.  Issue is that the other siblings will not be allowed to bring their adult kids. I don't want to start a chain reaction. Also, the problem is the room is already sooooo packed. And while the fire code allows 40 more people, the dance floor gets cut down, and no way I'm having tables moved to allow dancing.

    2) Address the invite to just the parents, and tell them, I need to wait to see how many declines I get to see if we can fit the girls in. I don't really think this is B-listing, since the girls are not invited. It would be more like accomodating.

    3) Just say no. And tell them to eat the ticket. Issue here is that I think this would hurt my dad's friendship with them.

    4) Allow the daughter(s) to come in the parent's place. Only one of the daughers has the non-refundable ticket.

    5) Some other option.

    Please help! I'm open to all ideas that will help me deal with this tactfully and also keep my dad's friendship okay while still being able to breath in our venue.

    Can you have the venue remove a bunch of tables after dinner so that there is more room for dancing?

    I have seen this done with great success.  The tables were removed after dinner, but the chairs were left, they were just moved out of the way.

    I really, really hate when my table is taken away.
    The tables that were removed were the parents' tables and by that point many of the older guests were leaving anyways, so no one was without a table.

    I really, really hate an over crowded dance floor.  Especially when there are a bunch of empty tables because people have left.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Sounds like a good plan OP! And I wouldn't be surprised if you did get a few more declines and everything fits nicely!

    This whole thread has made me think about a situation I may be in! My cousin's wedding is this fall on a lake in Maine. Now that is drivable for my family but other cousin's families are flying in. Everyone is talking about renting houses on the lake for that week too (we already put a deposit down!) And now I am thinking how I never got a STD. At my Nana's funeral in December this cousin mentioned STDs were going out soon.

    Now I feel like I am assuming an invite, but by no mean does she HAVE to invite me. In our family the siblings (my mom and her brothers) made a promise that everyone attended EVERYONE'S Bar/Bat Mitzvah (we live all over the country so it was a 15 year period that we were guaranteed to see each other at least once every 1 or 2 years.) Now as we all get married this will be wedding #7 of the 10 cousins and I have not only been invited to all so far I have also attended every one (I am the only cousin that has!)

    Anyways all that was just to justify my assumption, but I guess worse case I still have the lake house to stay at for a week if I don't get the invite....
    DH's family has a group e-mail set up so they can all keep in touch.  One of his cousins got married less than a year after us and the e-mail was buzzing with how wonderful and cute the STDs were.  We did not receive one.  So I figure we weren't invited (attending was not possible so no big deal, I wasn't making any plans).  However, we did receive and invite.  So this was a case of not everyone who was invited received a STD.  
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I also dislike when tables are removed. I like my chair and I like knowing where I can keep my clutch, shawl, shoes (when I take them off half way through the night!) and water. I don't mind if the tables get moved so they are closer together for the dance portion, but I would dis-like having to find a new "home" for my stuff. Not to mention if I wanted to sit down again if there is a late night buffet or cake- I want a table to eat off of.

    However, I would also never set up tables on the dance floor either. I specifically made sure this wouldn't happen at our reception. 

    OP- I think you have a great plan so far. Sorry that happened- it was rude on their part to assume, but I think you are being kind and this will hopefully keep the family relations strong for your dad. 

    I think it's a great idea to have one bar move to the hallway- people can mingle out there if they want something quieter. 
  • mysticl said:
    Sounds like a good plan OP! And I wouldn't be surprised if you did get a few more declines and everything fits nicely!

    This whole thread has made me think about a situation I may be in! My cousin's wedding is this fall on a lake in Maine. Now that is drivable for my family but other cousin's families are flying in. Everyone is talking about renting houses on the lake for that week too (we already put a deposit down!) And now I am thinking how I never got a STD. At my Nana's funeral in December this cousin mentioned STDs were going out soon.

    Now I feel like I am assuming an invite, but by no mean does she HAVE to invite me. In our family the siblings (my mom and her brothers) made a promise that everyone attended EVERYONE'S Bar/Bat Mitzvah (we live all over the country so it was a 15 year period that we were guaranteed to see each other at least once every 1 or 2 years.) Now as we all get married this will be wedding #7 of the 10 cousins and I have not only been invited to all so far I have also attended every one (I am the only cousin that has!)

    Anyways all that was just to justify my assumption, but I guess worse case I still have the lake house to stay at for a week if I don't get the invite....
    DH's family has a group e-mail set up so they can all keep in touch.  One of his cousins got married less than a year after us and the e-mail was buzzing with how wonderful and cute the STDs were.  We did not receive one.  So I figure we weren't invited (attending was not possible so no big deal, I wasn't making any plans).  However, we did receive and invite.  So this was a case of not everyone who was invited received a STD.  
    I get this isn't against etiquette, but this is personally why I don't like STD's (among many reasons). You now know you were sorta "b listed" in  a way. They didn't send an STD, "just in case" they couldn't accomodate you at the wedding. To me, it's no different than B-listing because then the person knows they weren't in the top "VIP" type of list.
  • mysticl said:
    Sounds like a good plan OP! And I wouldn't be surprised if you did get a few more declines and everything fits nicely!

    This whole thread has made me think about a situation I may be in! My cousin's wedding is this fall on a lake in Maine. Now that is drivable for my family but other cousin's families are flying in. Everyone is talking about renting houses on the lake for that week too (we already put a deposit down!) And now I am thinking how I never got a STD. At my Nana's funeral in December this cousin mentioned STDs were going out soon.

    Now I feel like I am assuming an invite, but by no mean does she HAVE to invite me. In our family the siblings (my mom and her brothers) made a promise that everyone attended EVERYONE'S Bar/Bat Mitzvah (we live all over the country so it was a 15 year period that we were guaranteed to see each other at least once every 1 or 2 years.) Now as we all get married this will be wedding #7 of the 10 cousins and I have not only been invited to all so far I have also attended every one (I am the only cousin that has!)

    Anyways all that was just to justify my assumption, but I guess worse case I still have the lake house to stay at for a week if I don't get the invite....
    DH's family has a group e-mail set up so they can all keep in touch.  One of his cousins got married less than a year after us and the e-mail was buzzing with how wonderful and cute the STDs were.  We did not receive one.  So I figure we weren't invited (attending was not possible so no big deal, I wasn't making any plans).  However, we did receive and invite.  So this was a case of not everyone who was invited received a STD.  
    I get this isn't against etiquette, but this is personally why I don't like STD's (among many reasons). You now know you were sorta "b listed" in  a way. They didn't send an STD, "just in case" they couldn't accomodate you at the wedding. To me, it's no different than B-listing because then the person knows they weren't in the top "VIP" type of list.
    Hmm, that's a fair point.  I never thought of that, but. . . .

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    B-listing is when you only send invitations to people when you get declines from other people. Save the dates are not invitations, and as such, there are no declines from them.
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