Wedding 911

Future SIL Drama vent

I apologize, this is going to be so so long. Just need to explain his sister a little so you get the gist of how she is. We've been together 4 years now, so this has been going on a while.
My fiance has never really got along with his sister all that much. Their parents divorced when he was about 4-5(He's now 25), so he and his sister lived apart most of their child/teenage years. He wanted to live with their dad, she wanted to be with their mom. She apparently was always a drama queen and extremely rude to everyone, so he didn't want much to do with her as they got older.
There's various things that her whole family holds grudges against her for but there's one main thing for my fiance. A month or so before we met, he found out she had told some guy that she was pregnant and was trying to take his money. She was separated from her husband at the time, and just trying to make money of this man to pay her court fees. She told the guy she didn't want him in her or the child's life, but just to send money. Apparently this went on for 3-4 months until the guy finally got fed up and contacted their brother, who told him she was lying- which is when the whole family found out. My fiance pretty much stopped talking to her because that's an absurd thing to do to someone. I don't like to use the term crazy to define anyone, but it's definitely one of the only ways to describe her.
A couple of weeks after that happened, we met and started dating. Without even having met me, she started saying how awful and terrible I was. I was 19 and in college when I met my fiance, and she was almost 30, but yet she still would try to pick fights with me through Facebook and tell me we shouldn't be together. She got back with her husband once he joined the army, and they moved out to Virginia Beach. She left me alone for the most part after that.
Back in May of 2012 on his niece's birthday she texted him at 11 AM asking why he didn't call to wish his niece a happy birthday. (She called their brother at MIDNIGHT to yell at him. Yes, midnight- as the day was switching to the birthday) He told her he hadn't called yet because it was 11 AM and his niece didn't even get out of school until 2 PM. She then went off on how awful of a person he is, how I've made him into a monster, I'm the reason he never sees his niece (Because I obviously have control of where her husband is stationed), and that I was the reason they didn't speak. She even went as far as calling him a piece of... well, you know. They basically ended the conversation by telling each other to stay out of each other's lives. I'm essentially getting all the blame for them not talking, even though the cause of it was her faked pregnancy.

A month goes by, and she starts a huge Facebook fight with me. She even pulled my best friend into it and was yelling at her. She basically tells me that no one likes me, that I'm worthless, and I'm ruining her brothers life. (The rest of his family has said they've never seen him as happy as he is when he's with me. His step-mom and his dad even messaged me when they found out to apologize for her and let me know they absolutely love me and they consider me family.) I got fed up and told her to stop starting drama and that she didn't even know me, even though I had been with my fiance for 2 years at this point. I blocked her and was done with it. She then went and messaged my fiance. It was pretty much as long as an essay on why we shouldn't be together and he needs to rethink us dating. He told her to accept it and blocked her. 
Ever since then, she has been telling people that she has attempted to apologize and that she didn't even do anything wrong. She claims my fiance has ignored her for the past two years. He's wished her and her daughter a happy birthday, and hasn't received a reply back. She had a baby in October 2012 and didn't invite us out to see him or say anything about him to us. She sent the birth notice with baby photos to everyone in the family besides us. Then claimed we completely ignored the fact that she had a child. 

We got engaged back in July, which started up her drama. She kept saying we left her out of us getting engaged. We've only recently started making plans because we're not getting married until March 2015. We originally weren't even going to have a flower girl or ring bearer because we have 6 bridesmaids and groomsmen. I asked two of his step-sisters to be bridesmaids-which, of course, caused drama. She is constantly saying they're not even REAL family, even though his dad and step mom have been together for about 15 years now. We decided to do the flower girl/ring bear thing anyways and have one from my family and one from his. I don't have any little boys on my side, so we're having the flower girl from my side. We decided to ask his cousin's son to be our ring bearer. He's a year older than the nephew, which was a factor. But the main reason we felt we wanted him as ring bearer is his parent's tried to conceive for almost 10 years. They finally did in vitro fertilization because they wanted a child so badly. We felt it'd be really nice to have him, and that it'd be really special for his parents. We told his mom we were thinking about it and she kept saying "It's your wedding, it's your choices. If I don't agree, I'll have to get over it."
A couple of weeks ago his grandpa on his dad's side passed away. My future MIL calls the day my fiance found out, yelling and crying that we're not including his sister's children in the wedding. She even started the conversation out with "I'm sorry about your grandpa but I really have something to say.", so she knew it wasn't a good day to start anything. She told him that we might as well not even have a ring bearer or flower girl if we're not going to have his niece and nephew do it and that we're ruining our wedding. She then suggested that we un-ask the children that we've already asked, just so we include the other kids.
 His sister flies in on the day of the funeral and ignores us the whole service. When we get back to my future FIL's house, she pulls my fiance into a room to speak with him. She yelled at him for everything under the sun. She asked why we hate her kids, blamed me for more stuff, etc. She then tells him that his niece thinks she's the flower girl. His niece is 7 and has never even been to a wedding. She doesn't even know what a flower girl is. She's now saying she won't even come to our wedding because her children aren't included. His mother keeps pressuring us to change our minds. I'm at the point where I'm just going to start ignoring it. We'll invite her, and if she doesn't come then so be it. She hasn't even approved of our relationship since we started dating. She's trying to blame me for her family problems and I want nothing to do with her drama. Can I just nicely say that to her if she continues to cause drama?

If you read all that, thanks for sticking with me there. Now how do I deal with this?!
 My future MIL keeps bringing things up as well. Is there any way to nicely tell her that her daughter is crazy? lol Has anyone else had these issues and if so, how did you handle it? How can I deal with her being like this for the rest of forever? 
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Re: Future SIL Drama vent

  • Pretend I said what Addie said because it is really "bottom line up front."  Do not give an inch in this because this is FSIL being manipulative and demanding things her way and playing the victim...as usual.
    HisGirlFriday13TeddiD34
  • Ditto what Addie said.

    I understand they will be invited to avoid any more family drama. Lets hope she lives up to her threat that they will not be coming.
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  • You don't deal with it. Your FI deals with it. And he deals with it by telling his mother, 'Mom, you know perfectly well why we made the choice we made. If you continue to harp on it, I can solve that problem by not inviting them AND not inviting you.'

    I wouldn't invite her. She's made it clear she doesn't want to be part of your and your FI's life, so if you're inviting her only because she's his sister, I wouldn't. An accidental relationship of DNA doesn't mean people get wedding invites.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    KittyKaty20cdn0292Angusaur
  • I personally probably wouldn't invite her, but I completely understand your dilemma, this slightly hits home for me and what my fiance' and I are going through. So if you really want to avoid more family drama at this point 1. let your fiance' deal with it 2. invite her regardless of her attitude and hope she just sticks to her word and doesn't come. Finally and you may not like this one but you could consider having multiple flower girls and include her daughter anyways. It may help get some people off both of your backs. Extending the flower girl role to her daughter would not be something I would personally do, but it is another option for you.

    I really hope this works out for you. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. 
  • FWIW - I'm not inviting my brother to my wedding because he is manipulative and passive-aggressive. There is no rule that you have to invite your siblings if they are assholes. Period.

    Take yourself out of the equation and let your fiancé deal with it.
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    TeddiD34
  • I wish not inviting her was an option! It would cause even more drama if we didn't, which is really the only reason she's getting one. I'm hoping she follows through on her threat to not come. My FI is done dealing with her, so she goes to their mom, who in return, comes to me. It's a never ending cycle of drama. Anytime their mom or step mom would talk to her about the wedding, she would say "I'm probably not invited anyway." If I didn't invite her, atleast she'd be expecting it :P I don't want to budge at all on this. I don't want her thinking she can use her children to get her way.
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  • sthorne91 said:
    I wish not inviting her was an option! It would cause even more drama if we didn't, which is really the only reason she's getting one. I'm hoping she follows through on her threat to not come. My FI is done dealing with her, so she goes to their mom, who in return, comes to me. It's a never ending cycle of drama. Anytime their mom or step mom would talk to her about the wedding, she would say "I'm probably not invited anyway." If I didn't invite her, atleast she'd be expecting it :P I don't want to budge at all on this. I don't want her thinking she can use her children to get her way.
    If I were you, next time FMIL comes to you to perpetuate the drama I would firmly but politely tell her "I'm sorry, but FSIL is not a topic I wish to talk about."  At first she may get angry, but after a few times maybe you'll start to see a decrease.  I had to do this with my own mom who insisted on talking to me all the time about a drama I wanted nothing to do with. . . . Basically, don't feed the monster!  If you refuse to talk about it, they won't be able to sustain the conversation.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    sthorne91 said:
    I wish not inviting her was an option! It would cause even more drama if we didn't, which is really the only reason she's getting one. I'm hoping she follows through on her threat to not come. My FI is done dealing with her, so she goes to their mom, who in return, comes to me. It's a never ending cycle of drama. Anytime their mom or step mom would talk to her about the wedding, she would say "I'm probably not invited anyway." If I didn't invite her, atleast she'd be expecting it :P I don't want to budge at all on this. I don't want her thinking she can use her children to get her way.
    I realize it is easier said than done, but the best way to end the cycle of drama is to stop communicating with her.  The anger, frustration, and drama exist when you do, so take the communication out of the equation.  You will still have anger, drama, and frustration, but you won't have to listen to her.

    Invite the FSIL.  Expect a show from her if she attends.  Be dignified and gracious.  Let her look like the fool. 
    ohannabelle
  • @Kaos, I've tried something similar to it but not a direct approach like that. That's probably the best way to get through to her. @mobkaz, We are definitely trying! Haha believe me. Problem is she won't shut up about the drama to everyone else. She apparently posted a status the other day about us. Saying how she has people in the family missing out on things with her children, but she doesn't feel the need to bribe or yell at them for it. Something along the lines of it being our loss. If she does put on a show, I have no problem having her kicked out... As bad as that sounds.
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  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    sthorne91 said:
    @Kaos, I've tried something similar to it but not a direct approach like that. That's probably the best way to get through to her. @mobkaz, We are definitely trying! Haha believe me. Problem is she won't shut up about the drama to everyone else. She apparently posted a status the other day about us. Saying how she has people in the family missing out on things with her children, but she doesn't feel the need to bribe or yell at them for it. Something along the lines of it being our loss. If she does put on a show, I have no problem having her kicked out... As bad as that sounds.
    Posting about such things on Facebook demonstrates her juvenile mentality.  I also think it speaks to the adage about those who protest too much have nothing actually for which to protest.  She actually is already putting on a show ala Facebook.  Shame on her.  I feel badly for her children.  Keep taking the high road until your generosity feels more like a doormat.  Then stomp and wipe your feet on her!
  • melbensomelbenso Hoth, apparently
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
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    My FI has no relationship with his sister.  Their relationship had always been touch and go, and she exhibits some of the same behaviors that your FSIL does.  After his father passed away 9 years ago, it got really bad (among other things, she screamed at their mother in the middle of a family holiday dinner that it was her fault that their dad died of a prolonged illness) and he cut her out of his life.  We've been together for almost 6 years, and I have met her once - when his mom got remarried.  It was.... interesting.

    She is not invited to our wedding.  FI made that decision.  And I would have backed whatever decision he made.  Since she is your FI's sister, he should get the final say in whether she is invited.  But you two should have a serious talk about whether to invite her.  In the end, if he does decide to invite her, just ignore her and seat her as far away from you as possible.
    image
  • Thanks for the advice ladies. Also, it's a relief to know I'm not the only one marrying into a family that may have a crazy person :P I'm just going to have to tell people the subject of flower girl and ring bearer is closed if brought up. Cross your fingers and hope she follows through on not coming! Lol!
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