When to send second round of invites?

princessleia22

Oh, no! It just keeps getting worse! A friend of my is planning wedding for this fall. And she is hitting every etiquette mistake possible. I've been trying to politely help guide her, but I can only do so much.

First, there is 2.5 hour ago between ceremony & cocktail hour while she does photos. Ceremony & reception are at same venue, so no drive time or anything. Just 2.5 hours of guests sitting in hotel bar getting trashed. I was unable to talk her out of that one, but at least got her to put schedule on invites, so guests know about this in advance and can plan accordingly. 

Today she asks "when should I send out the second round of invites?"... um, WHAT? Of course I told her they should all be sent at one time. But, her guest list has 40 people more than venue holds and she "knows" many OOT family won't come. She she was going to send invites to all family first, then invite friends as space is available. I told her she needs to cut guest list. Yes, it's tough.  Guest list is probably the hardest part of wedding planning. But cut the list to what venue can hold. She has some friends that she talks to online, but hasn't seen in person in years... take them off list. Out of state family that aren't really close... take them off list. Unfortunately, she already asked several of these people for addresses. I told her to send birthday card or something to them instead.

There was one friend of mine that is more of acquaintance to her. She said she was debating inviting him. I told her don't bother, she's already got too many on the list. Her response was, that if my FI can't make it (we aren't sure if can can go or not), I could bring this friend as my plus 1, "if there's space". Wait, so does that mean my +1 is dependent on who else is coming? What if my FI can go? Is there space for him?

Then she asked if it would be rude to tell some friends that there is limited seating for dinner, but they are welcome to join for dancing afterward? Umm... yeah it is very rude. I told her if I would be pissed if she did that to me.  And that's more insulting than no invite at all. If people ask why they aren't invited, just tell them there is limited space and family had to be higher priority on the list.

She wants to know final guest list 2 months before wedding. I told her that is really early, but whatever. But, be prepared that doing it that early will mean some people will change their mind. She is almost guaranteed some no shows and probably some crashes.

I'm actually kind of curious to see what's next. And I'm actually kind of looking forward to see it all unfold this fall... it's like storm chasing or watching a volcano erupt. 

happywiggle

Make sure you have popcorn ready!

*insert popcorn eating gif here*

princessleia22

Oooh, popcorn would go great with the movie we would have time to watch during the 2.5 hour gap!  Actually, that's really funny because I think she's considering doing a popcorn bar! 

crunchymamaof2

Here ya go

VerizonGirl

Is this bride-to-be some kind of orphan Nell feral child raised alone in the woods?
Traditionally, weddings are hosted by the bride's parents, so she needs to work with her mother and other relatives and the officiant and the event coordinator at the church/ceremony venue and the event coordinator at the reception venue to learn about hosting large events.  There are many websites and magazines and books about hosting a wedding.  There is no reason to keep suggesting ridiculously rude things unless she knows that she can get a rise out of you when she does...

princessleia22

Her reason for all these "ridiculously rude" things is solely to get what she wants. The gap is because she wants wedding photos at a specific location across town. I tried telling her to do photos early with first look, do them different day, or give up on that location. But it's what she wants, so that's what she's doing. And she figures there are plenty of things to do at wedding venue for guests, which may be true if you have a room there and aren't dressed in formal attire. 

The b-listing is because she doesn't want to make tough choices and "doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings". It also saves her from difficult situations where someone asks why they weren't invited. She really doesn't realize people may get upset either way she does it. I get that it is tough, but it a necessary task that needs to be done.

And I'm not sure she's using any resources that would show her the error of her ways. And sadly, some resources out there condone these things or even encourage them. She's just planning what works for her, not for her guests. And even if she is getting sound advice, like I keep attempting, she only listens if it fits into what she wants. If it means sacrificing something she wants for her wedding, she ignores the advice.

KittyKaty20

At least you know what to get her for the wedding...an etiquette book. 

Amyzen83

Holy shit balls! At this point id just sit back watch the train wreck then say "I told you so"

hyechica81

you said its at a hotel most hotels have a few rooms for events a really small room for business meetings and such then a good size room for small weddings and various functions then they usually have a really large room that will fit 150-300 sometimes 400 guests.


the first thing she should have done when doing the list was figure out how many people she was planing on inviting and and then finding a space to accommodate all of those potential guests

if the hotel has a larger room and its available can she ask them if she can switch rooms to accommodate those people?.

another thing is dont count on out of town guest declining, my brother got married and when he sent on his invites there were only 7 couples/ families that declined who were out of state but 11 said yes , if friend has a lot of out of states plan on them showing up as its a wedding they don't see family often and will want an excuse to have a weekend away

2 hour gaps are a no no when we were looking at my church they said anytime you can have your service on saturday where as fi church said 1pm is the cut off our reception was 7 no way was i going to have a 4 hour gap

this could be a wedding where she has no b list and all of her a lists shows up and she has no room

Lizzieyounce

Those OOT guests may just come.  We invited H's BFF who now lives in Brazil to our wedding last year.  We honestly didn't expect him to be able to come because of the distance and his job, but he did come!  All the way from South America, so yeah, sometimes those OOT guests will attend.  ALL of our OOT guests came, much to our delight.

Cookie Pusher

FSIL invited a bunch of relatives from out of state she didn't expect to show up for her wedding... but they did! You just never know sometimes.

princessleia22

I have told her not to count out any out-of-town people until she gets RSVP's back. Some people will use it as an excuse to go visit with family they haven't seen in a while.  And some people just really like weddings and will show up regardless of distance.