Financial Help from In-laws

bwojcicki2

My future inlaws invited 230 people to our wedding and have not offered to pay for anything for the wedding. My parents gave us $10,000 to work with and only invited 100 people, but we are short $3500 for food. I'm a student and my fiancee makes $20,000/year starting his business. How can we tactfully ask for financial help from them?

lyndausvi

you can't.

I would love to hear the story how they were allowed to invite 230 people to your wedding?  

ktjanesmom

Have these people been invited or is that just who they WANT to invite?

KittyKaty20

bwojcicki2 said:

My future inlaws invited 230 people to our wedding and have not offered to pay for anything for the wedding. My parents gave us $10,000 to work with and only invited 100 people, but we are short $3500 for food. I'm a student and my fiancee makes $20,000/year starting his business. How can we tactfully ask for financial help from them?

First off:

How may people do you and your FI want at your wedding? And how do your lists match up with YOUR parent's list, since they are paying?

Secondly:

Can your venue HOLD 350-400 people comfortably? If you are short for money on catering, are you also short on financing to PROPERLY host that many guests in other ways?

Lastly:

When you say "Invited," do you mean they have sent invitations to guests already, or is this the number of guests in their wish-list?

I do not see good things here...

HisGirlFriday13

bwojcicki2 said:

My future inlaws invited 230 people to our wedding and have not offered to pay for anything for the wedding. My parents gave us $10,000 to work with and only invited 100 people, but we are short $3500 for food. I'm a student and my fiancee makes $20,000/year starting his business. How can we tactfully ask for financial help from them?

You can't. If your in-laws haven't offered to pay, you can't ask them to.

If they're not paying, you were under no obligation to invite their HOLY FUCKING SHIT 230 guests.

Depending on how close you are to your wedding, you have limited options:

1. Figure out where you can cut back in other areas; cheaper food, flowers, etc.

2. Cut out unnecessary expenses like favours, videographer, alcohol, etc.

3. This is drastic, but cancel the wedding. Tell your FILs, 'The wedding expenses have gotten out of control and we can't afford to have this wedding anymore. We are calling off the wedding and we will reschedule a MUCH SMALLER affair in the future. At that point, you will be given a set number of guests you may invite. If you exceed that number, we will decide who on your list doesn't get invited.'

Option 3 may shame them into paying for their HOLY FUCKING SHIT 230 guests.

Alternatively, if you didn't send STDates to all of the guests, you can start cutting the guest list down by just axing people left and right until you get to a number you can afford.

If you sent STDates, however, you have to send invites. Unless you call off the wedding.

huskypuppy14

You should have figured out your finances before inviting guests (hopefully you haven't invited or sent STD yet). First thing, FPIL don't get to invite that many people if they are not paying. In what world do they think that is ok.

You should tell them, we can't afford to pay for this many guests, we have to cut people (assuming you haven't sent anyone any wedding correspondence yet).

If my FPIL gave us a list of 230 people I would have laughed so hard

CMGragain

Really?  Your FILS INVITED 230 people to your wedding?  How did they get their hands on your invitations?

AddieCake

Yeah, something doesn't add up here.

ShellD13

My FI's first wedding went down very much like this....his former IL's are very prominent in their small town and invited 200 people to the wedding and while they did contribute it wasn't even enough to cover their food costs.... He says the guest list from his side and their combined friends was 45. It took 2 hrs for the receiving line to exit the church.

Hence our wedding is MUCH smaller only 20 of us total - FI had no interest in the same type of "dog and pony" show and I have a lot of siblings and no interest in the big wedding (as I have survived all of my siblings big days) not to mention I was engaged many years ago and learned the hard way my family goes overboard quickly so I'm cutting them off at the pass ;-)

The advice you've received from PPs is excellent. Whatever you do don't forget this is your day - do what will make you and your FI happy even if that does mean canceling the wedding and hosting a smaller event that will match your expectations.

Sugargirl1019

I'm praying for you that STDs have not gone out.. I am in a *slightly* similar situation but not 230 guest number.. I hope you can just start axing people left and right! @HisGirlFriday13 has correct options to choose from regarding what point in the invitation process you're at.

JCbride2015

230 GUESTS!?!?!?!?  Without your knowledge or permission???  What did they do, find out your wedding info and send invitations themselves?

This doesn't just sound like a problem with money.  It sounds like a problem with boundaries.  How were they allowed to invite guests you and Fi can't afford?

lookame3639

Oh you've got to be kidding me! What? No, how were they able to invite that many guests? If my future in laws gave me a list of 230 guests I would have laughed and told them no seriously! Give me your REAL guest list...Then probably would have mentioned how they expected FI and I to afford to feed/host that many guests on our 20 grand a year (yes poor etiquette but when someone does something that absurd I get a little cranky and sarcastic).

What all have you done thus far? How close is your wedding? Depending on what has been done and how closeyou are you may have more options...i think we need a little more info though..

SP29

Um, HOW did you allow your ILs to invite 230 people?

First you need a budget, then that will determine what venue you can afford and how many guests. 

Have these guests been given an invitation? Did your ILs ASK if they could invite these people? 

If no invites have been sent- then stop here and tell your ILs that you CANNOT invite all these people. Give them a number of people they can invite and a date to give you this list by. If the ILs have verbally invited people without your permission, then they will have to deal with this them selves. 

If you have allowed the ILs to invite these guests- that's on you and FI. You cannot ask your ILs to contribute financially, these guests should not have been invited if you couldn't afford them. 

Other things you can do, is take out the flowers from your centerpieces (if you have them)- do vases with tea lights. Decrease the size of your bouquets. Purchase a cheaper wedding dress. Simplify your bar- wine and beer only. See if you can get a cheaper meal option. Change your venue if you have to. 

Jen4948

You mean your FILs already invited these 230 people but expect you to pay for them?

If these are just names on their guest list, but no invitations have gone out, tell them they'll have to revise the guest list within given limits by the date you will be sending out invitations, or you will do it, but it is not possible for you to host 230 people and you won't be doing it.

If they've issued verbal invitations to these people, then tell them that unfortunately your budget does not allow you to invite them and they'll have to retract the verbal invitations.

HisGirlFriday13

I really want OP to come back and clarify some of this, because HOLY FUCKING SHIT 230 guests?? How does that happen??

jdluvr06

I can't get past that number. 230? I don't think I even know that many people, let alone would want them at my wedding.

NeverTooManyShoes

Wow. What!?

blabla89

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I really want OP to come back and clarify some of this, because HOLY FUCKING SHIT 230 guests?? How does that happen??

For real! I mean you already gave the OP advice, but now I just really want to know.

Come back OP, we promise not to bite!