Went to a bridal shower yesterday

CheleLyn

I was a little put off by the facebook invite and the fact that the bride was co-hosting, oh and the wedding isn't until mid August of this year, but let it go.

Although I was a wee bit disappointed there wasn't any coffee (I'm a bit of an addict and didn't have time to grab some because I way over slept), it was a decent little gathering...enough seats, light cold cuts luncheon, everyone was friendly. Unfortunately, I didn't know a single other guest there, but oh well.

Game time came and there were a couple typical for our area bridal shower games....what's in your purse, how well do you know the bride. They passed out little green envelopes and I asked one of the other guests at my table what the envelopes are for. We had to address our own thank you envelopes, which were then put into a drawing for a door prize. The guest said "It's actually a really good idea because she doesn't have everyone's address." I caught myself...a moment too late...making a face that I'm sure was disgust. I tried to not register anything, but big fail and I do feel badly about that. I said, "Oh, I guess I assumed if she invited these people she'd have their addresses since they should all be on her wedding invitation list." The guest asked how else they would do the door prize drawing, to which I had suggested little pieces of paper from maybe a pocket size notebook.

I mentioned this to FMIL and she said she hasn't ever been to a bridal shower that this (guests addressing their own envelopes) wasn't done. It felt to me like I took the time to pick and purchase and nice gift, took time out of my weekend (I rarely get 2 days in a row off work, let alone a Friday/Saturday!), and you can't take the time to address the thank you cards yourself? It feels so impersonal. On the upside, I guess that will leave no excuse for thank you cards to not get done.

Overall it was a pleasant gathering and that was the main issue I had (aside from her registry list including a hair dryer which someone did buy). 

My question...this is a faux pas, isn't it? J thinks I nitpicked looking for something to complain about. I'm not complaining, it's just something I thought was odd and feels wrong to me to do. Thoughts?

JCbride2015

Faux pas.  The least she can do is take a few seconds per guest to address the envelope!

I wonder if your "thank you card" will be a generic printed TY without a personal note.  Because, you know, it takes time.

KeptInStitches

It's wrong.

Blue_Bird

It's rude, and I've actually only been to one shower where this happened. The rest were actually polite brides.

hyechica81

first off it was rude to facebook invite you also if her wedding is in august 6 months ahead of time is also kinda rude it sounds like the bride/groom are gift hungry and want to get a lot of gifts and then maybe decide if they will keep them or they were looking more for money to foot some of the wedding bill..

tacky tacky tacky


my mom and sister sent out the invites for my shower. we used my sisters name as the contact but my moms number as my sister is an hour away at college and was easier to use my moms number

AddieCake

I was at a baby shower and was put off that I had to address my own thank you envelope. When it came, it wasn't the envelope I addressed, and then I was even more WTF did I do it for, then?!

ohoymate

I had a bridal shower yesterday, and a few days ago the hosts mentioned that they were going to have people address their own thank you envelopes. I was very surprised and had no idea that was a common thing. I vetoed it and said I would address them myself, as it seemed rude. Strange that it seems to be so common!

Would people leave envelopes out at their wedding for the guests to self-address? I can't imagine it.

huskypuppy14

AddieL73 said:

I was at a baby shower and was put off that I had to address my own thank you envelope. When it came, it wasn't the envelope I addressed, and then I was even more WTF did I do it for, then?!

Maybe it was the hostess' idea to address the envelopes, and the MTB didn't feel right using them, so she addressed her own. I had to shoot down a bridesmaid of my sisters wedding who suggested doing this. I was the main host, and I just told her it wasn't appropriate by etiquette. She had only been to 1 bridal shower, and they had done it, so she assumed it was normal.

For the OP- yes it's technically rude, and for your case it's more rude because the bride was co-hosting (that's the biggest no no in all of this).  If the bride were not co-hosting, it wouldn't be her fault if the hostess set that up 

I also don't find it that big a deal that it was a facebook invite. I've been invited to baby showers by facebook. It's not a formal invitation, and I wouldn't do it, but it's not necessarily rude.

Just because her wedding isn't until August, doesn't mean she can't have a shower now. Maybe this was the only time people could do it. 

huskypuppy14

hyechica81 said:

first off it was rude to facebook invite you also if her wedding is in august 6 months ahead of time is also kinda rude it sounds like the bride/groom are gift hungry and want to get a lot of gifts and then maybe decide if they will keep them or they were looking more for money to foot some of the wedding bill..

tacky tacky tacky


my mom and sister sent out the invites for my shower. we used my sisters name as the contact but my moms number as my sister is an hour away at college and was easier to use my moms number

You got all that because the shower is 5 months before the wedding? That's a stretch. There are obviously some faux pas going on, but a shower 5 months before the wedding isn't one of them.

ETA: So people are going call your mom and ask for your sister when they RSVP. That makes no sense. If it was easier to use your Mom's number, she should have her name on it not your sister.  Your sister can still be the hostess. 

kee7

My bridesmaids did this at my shower. If I had known ahead of time, I would have told them not to do it. I wasn't happy with it. But to (hopefully) make up for it, I had the thank you notes sent out the next day.

I really don't know how it's supposed to save time. It takes about 10 seconds to write an address.

HisGirlFriday13

It's a horrible faux pas. And the excuse that the bride doesn't have everyone's address is BS -- how did they get invited to the wedding (which of course they are, because otherwise they wouldn't be invited to the shower, RIIIIIIIGHT?)

Also, I feel you on the no-coffee thing. I woke up late today and had to shower before Mass, so I didn't have time to make the coffee, which mean I faced Confession and Reconciliation Sunday with my dozen sixth-graders on no coffee. 

They're alive. That's proof that God loves and protects small children. Also, they were really well-behaved, so they get cookies next weekend.

vmj23

I've been to a few showers, usually baby showers, that the host had the envelopes for guest to address, to help the mom to be.  I never considered it to be rude in anyway, it wasn't the person being honored asking for this, it was the people throwing her a shower trying to help her out.   I don't have any issues with someone doing this.

Peaseblossom55

I was involved in planning a baby shower where the other co-hosts wanted to do this- have the guests address their own envelopes. I went on a rant in an email about how rude that was and all of the reasons why.  They probably thought I was crazy.  Oh well so as a compromise we bought our friend thank you cards and printed labels and gave them to her privately.

mcgarci2

I have also been to tons of baby showers where you have to write on the envelope.  It seemed commonplace, but now I realize how lazy it is.  It's nice to give out prizes or whatever, but address your own damn envelopes.

jdluvr06

I've never been to a bridal shower that has done that but I have never been to a baby shower that hasn't. It doesn't bother me but I guess it is because I view it as a way to help out a pregnant woman.

csuave

After cramping my hand writing envelopes for my shower and wedding I do feel a little put off when I see it, but I consider a very minor offense.  Especially because it is likely the idea of the shower hosts.

Last baby shower I went to had a large guest list but the hosts did a great job of keeping it moving.  It was very well hosted so when I was asked to do an envelope I was only mildly annoyed since that was the only thing that approached being against etiquette. 

They had a table with a ton of baskets for prizes and if your envelope was picked you got to choose a basket.  I chose a basket with about 8 full size gourmet dark chocolate bars.  After picking that I got over my envelope annoyance quickly

chibiyui

Most of the showers I've been to have done this. My mom also planned on doing the envelope thing at my shower, but I asked her to not use the envelopes as I heard some people found it rude. I felt kinda bad afterwords because I know she never meant to come off as rude. 

I personally won't care if someone does it, unless there are other issues and it turns into a straw that broke the camels back thing. 

sarahufl

Serious question, because I have never been to a shower that does this, but exactly how long does it take to address your own envelopes?

I just did 2 thank you cards for engagement gifts and I would estimate TOTAL writing time (including addressing the envelope) was about 3 minutes. Are people finding it that difficult to address the envelope or are they simply "too busy" doing who knows what else?

I don't get it.

jdluvr06

sarahufl said:

Serious question, because I have never been to a shower that does this, but exactly how long does it take to address your own envelopes?

I just did 2 thank you cards for engagement gifts and I would estimate TOTAL writing time (including addressing the envelope) was about 3 minutes. Are people finding it that difficult to address the envelope or are they simply "too busy" doing who knows what else?

I don't get it.

I can't speak for everyone but in my circle we just want to cut down on stupid shower games but not cut down on prizes. The envelope thing is an easy way to do that.

cookie0803

My MOH did this at my shower, I didn't know ahead of time or I would have asked her to skip it. I just didn't use those envelopes for the thank you cards.

amakayeb

My FMIL was planning on doing this at the shower she threw for me. She had my future SIL hand make some beautiful thank you cards, and this was how they were going to do door prizes (we didn't do games). But, it worked out that FSIL forgot the cards at her house. FMIL was all worried about how to do the door prizes, and was thrilled when I suggested slips of paper.

And then I got the thank you cards the other day and now I can address them all myself!

CheleLyn

HisGirlFriday13 said:

It's a horrible faux pas. And the excuse that the bride doesn't have everyone's address is BS -- how did they get invited to the wedding (which of course they are, because otherwise they wouldn't be invited to the shower, RIIIIIIIGHT?)

Also, I feel you on the no-coffee thing. I woke up late today and had to shower before Mass, so I didn't have time to make the coffee, which mean I faced Confession and Reconciliation Sunday with my dozen sixth-graders on no coffee. 

They're alive. That's proof that God loves and protects small children. Also, they were really well-behaved, so they get cookies next weekend.

That was my thought exactly.

The rest just made me giggle

I will say that my area has NO sense of etiquette. It's a rural farming county, the town itself has about 3000 people. Because my personal upbringing, I've always tried to rise above my raising so I tried from a young age to do the "right" things. Sometimes, I failed but without anyone to actually teach me, I had to learn a lot on my own. I've made sure to teach my own children, especially my daughter, some etiquette. It has helped that I spend 13 years with my ex, who is 5th generation Texan with a very etiquette conscious mother. I've unfortunately been told that here I come across cold and snobby. I really don't care, at least I'm not rude and tacky! If I make a mistake, though I am sure to apologize for it. 

We're invited to a couple other weddings this summer, as well as a couple I'm officiating. That definitely gives me other people to talk wedding with...and that also means I have been able to influence a couple brides to be more conscious of things they were planning....dollar dance/cash bar/partial cash bar, specifically!

ladybird29

RUDE RUDE RUDE

I had to tell my FMIL that I was not comfortable with having guests at my shower address their own envelopes and she implied I was being snotty because she's never been to a shower and not done it. I've actually never seen it and I hope that doesn't change. How lazy can you get?! There are NO excuses for this tacky behavior.

huskypuppy14

I've never been to a shower that has done it either (bridal or baby). It's not common in my circle.

kmmssg

This happens at most every shower I attend.  DD's shower is this weekend and I put the kabosh on the idea before it got off the ground.  It is the only thing we have disagreed on.  She is 31 and also sees it at every shower as do her BM's but she agreed to not have this done at her shower for which I am eternally grateful.  I can only remember one shower in the last 5 years that hasn't done this.

MyNameIsNot

I hate this too, but I usually give the bride/mother a pass, because she usually doesn't choose it and often doesn't know about it until it's too late.  

In this case, I wouldn't give a pass since the bride was co-hosting.  But I find much more wrong with the fact that she was hosting her own shower than that she had you address your own thank you card. 

iloveotters2014

This was apparently planned at my shower, but luckily they told me about it before hand and I nipped it in the bud. I designed and printed all the paper pieces for my wedding, so I already have a file with everyones names and addresses designed. It was an easy out

I have had to do this at showers though and I always find it really awkward when I get something in the mail with my handwriting on the front. It's just strange. You hand write the thank you's anyway, even if you don't already have the names and addresses printed it will take an additional few minutes to write out an address!

Jen4948

I hate it.  It's so rude and stupid.  If the hostess has my address, she can damn well give it to the bride who can then write and address her own thank-you envelopes, not expect the guests to do it.  I don't give a fuck how common it is, it means that the hostess and the bride are too damn lazy to do some communication.

Bubblegum5586

scribe95 said:

Yes, it is technically a faux pas. I have to admit though that I also have NEVER been to a wedding or bridal shower in which it wasn't done so maybe I am desensitized and just don't really care.

Same here. I agree it's rude, but I really don't care. There are so many bigger etiquette faux pas that seem to be on the rise that if this is the worst one you did then it sounds like a nice shower!

SewInLoveWithDMB

I've never attended a shower where this is done, but agree that it is quite rude.  It just seems to me then that the person is more excited about raking in gifts rather than being thankful and taking time to show appreciation for them.

As mentioned, the hosts might set this up rather than the honoree, so I wouldn't hold it against them if I ever encountered it. But, if one is hosting a shower for a friend, this shouldn't be done.

tesgirl123

I have never seen this so it would never occur to me to have guests address their own envelopes.   Quick question though, what are your thoughts on using a printed label for a thank you note?   A handwritten note, but just the address label is printed off the computer.   I handwrote all my shower thank yous and plan on doing that for the wedding gifts as well, but I was just curious as to everyone's thoughts.