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Etiquette

Bach party/Shower RANT!!

Since ridiculous bachelorette party/shower expecations seems to be the flavor of the day, I have to rant here or I'll go BSC on these women I hardly know.

I posted on here before about being a BM for a friend's wedding and how another BM decided to offer to host a couples shower, without consulting the rest of us. Well, the finances came in on the bachelorette party and it will cost us each $75 (which I covered with them before moving forward). Today the BM who initiated the couples shower sends out a group message alerting us that we "should get planning on the couples shower". Some of the BM proceeds to bounce ideas around - such as hosting it at 1pm so no meal is required, various food options, etc. One of the BMs went ahead and got a quote that would cost each person $60-$75 because the bride has a list of 50+ people for the shower. This cost would be on top of the rental for the facility that she wants everyone to chip in for.

I replied and said "I am unable to attend and because the couples shower was not discussed beforehand, I don't have the funds allocated to spend for this. We just squared away flights and hotel for the actual wedding and don't have any more wiggle room on cash flow. If this should change I would be happy to contribute and will let you know."

Some other girls chimed in with ideas to off-set cost - such as a potluck style (on behalf of the BMs, not guests) to provide light snacks, etc. for the shower. Another BM just replies and says "I know bride isn't expecting much and wouldn't want us to feel overwhelmed but I know she would want more than a potluck for her shower. Not saying we need to break the bank but I think we should make it as nice as possible. Remember she is paying for our dresses so that's a $200 cost we aren't having to pay."

UMMMM?? I didn't pick out a $200 dress - she did. I didn't ask her to pay - she offered. I don't feel guilty saying I can't fork over any more money for this wedding. Should I be feeling guilty?!
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Re: Bach party/Shower RANT!!

  • I'd tell rude bridesmaid who's spending your money, why not suggest to bride to scale back her guest list? Then perhaps it can be hosted at someone's house like a normal shower and that means less people to feed. Either way it was smart of you to bow out!
    tcnoble
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I wanted my sister to have a nice shower, so I funded it myself. The other two bridesmaids took care of the prizes and favors, but I paid for the food and venue which was the priciest part. 

    If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.  It's rude for other people to spend your money. 
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    tcnoblea13049
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I think you handled it well and should not feel at all guilty.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    tcnoble
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    The amount of the bride's contribution has no bearing on what anyone else can afford, and these BMs are really nervy to try to make you cough up money based on it.
    tcnoble
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You should feel no guilt at all. I mean, if the money isn't there, it's not there. You can't wiggle your nose and make it appear. Stand your ground.
    tcnoble
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Nope- no guilt. I think what you said was perfect- you are at your limit and cannot contribute.
  • Wow.  She clearly is missing the etiquette gene.  Someone paying for your dress =/= you spending that money elsewhere.  It totally defeats the purpose!  She wants an expensive dress that she pays for, but you turn around and spend that on a gigantic freaking shower.  I can only imagine the guest list...
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  • if they push you anymore say i am sorry but i did what i could to contribute and i cant afford anymore.
  • AuroraRose41AuroraRose41 New York member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I am pretty sure that etiquette wise, only the hosts of the shower are required to pay for it. The BM who offered to throw the shower is the host, and anyone who wants to contribute money as well. That BM needs to figure out a budget with any other hosts before making all of the decisions about where to host and how many people etc. If you are okay with not being a host of it, then you are off the hook for contributing any money to it. If you do want a say in the planning, then I would try to offer something, but in no way are you obligated to evenly split the costs. The bachelorette is normally divided evenly by all who attend, though.

    Amyzen83
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