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Good grief, bad wedding info just spreads and spreads...

Two women in the cube near me are talking about weddings... one's older and one's in her 20s.  The one in her 20s was just talking about how she's in a family member's wedding because it's just expected even though they aren't close and hopes no one is expecting her to throw a bachelorette party.  And then goes on to talk about how she's dreading an upcoming dinner with a friend because the friend just got engaged and she knows she's going to ask her and she doesn't want to be in her wedding.  "I can't say no..." to which the other woman says, "Right, I know, you can't."  FFS.

The older one was complaining about how a relative didn't have to ask her since there's such an age difference, but should have at least asked her daughter.  Like, wtf?



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Re: Good grief, bad wedding info just spreads and spreads...

  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I was thinking about this today, actually. Being in the wedding party is considered SUCH an honor, that it feels impossible to say no. Either you feel like rejecting the offer is relationship-ending, or you feel like you're supposed to want this coveted position and would be nuts to say no. But being in the wedding party is also a source of stress. You have to get the right attire, and every couple will have different expectations and different ways of conveying those expectations to you.

    It's basically a huge mess, and I wish that people felt safer about declining a role in a wedding party.
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  • I don't disagree with you, but I honestly wonder, where do these cultural expectations come from? I mean, where do people get these ideas?

    My mother just assumed that I didn't ask my cousin to be a BM because she hadn't asked me and because said cousin would have been PG at the wedding (as it was, she gave birth the day before my wedding). I was like, 'No, Mom, I didn't ask her because we're not close. Weddings aren't tit-for-tat, so I don't care that I wasn't in hers, and I don't care that she's pregnant.'

    Mom was like, 'Oh. OK then.'

    But I agree -- WTF?
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • I will never understand why the hell anyone ever assumes anyone is in a wedding party before asked.  Or even why people assume family have to be in it.

    I grew up with one male cousin and one brother.  I wasn't in my cousin's wedding, and I didn't expect to be because I am not close with the devil woman that he was marrying and he wasn't even allowed to talk to me because I'm a female (I won't get into that) so we grew apart, too.  Everyone in my family kept asking if I was upset that I wasn't in the wedding like I was 'supposed' to be in it or something...nope, do not care.  My cousin is also not in my wedding because, like I said, we grew apart. 

    My brother, on the other hand, is in my wedding, and I was in his.  We have always been very close and FI loves him, so it was an obvious choice.  My brother's wife is also in our wedding because I love her dearly.  Neither were asked just because they're family: both were asked because they kick ass.

    Also, "I can't say no" is the dumbest thing ever.  
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  • One of my friends is a MoH for one of her close friends (I don't know this other friend) and she was complaining to me about how she's stressed about paying for the dress+jewelry+hair+shoes+make-up+travel and how she's going to have to be at the wife's "beck and call" the day of and that she'll have to help with all the planning (since the bride doesn't want to hire a planner), etc. etc.

    I have flashed of TK the entire conversation and really channeled you all in my advice to her.
  • Not gonna lie - I fully expected to be a part of my brother's wedding party because that's what I thought you did.  He's my only sibling and we were super close until SIL came into the picture.  SIL has two sisters and when they got engaged, said she was going to include her sisters.  So I got all whiny to my mom and it got around to brother.  Two years into the relationship (bad ones between SIL and me) and they set a date.  She comes to ask me to be a BM and all I could think was that it was my fault for opening my damn mouth.  I kept thinking that for the next 6 miserable months leading to the wedding.

    Moral of the story?  Don't expect/ask/demand to be a BM if you are not close to the bride.  Learned my lesson the hard (and embarrassing) way.
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  • phira said:
    I will never understand why the hell anyone ever assumes anyone is in a wedding party before asked.  Or even why people assume family have to be in it.

    I grew up with one male cousin and one brother.  I wasn't in my cousin's wedding, and I didn't expect to be because I am not close with the devil woman that he was marrying and he wasn't even allowed to talk to me because I'm a female (I won't get into that) so we grew apart, too.  Everyone in my family kept asking if I was upset that I wasn't in the wedding like I was 'supposed' to be in it or something...nope, do not care.  My cousin is also not in my wedding because, like I said, we grew apart. 

    My brother, on the other hand, is in my wedding, and I was in his.  We have always been very close and FI loves him, so it was an obvious choice.  My brother's wife is also in our wedding because I love her dearly.  Neither were asked just because they're family: both were asked because they kick ass.

    Also, "I can't say no" is the dumbest thing ever.  
    Not gonna ask, but dying over here because you're his COUSIN. Geez.
    His wife has some serious jealousy and control issues.  It wasn't just me he couldn't talk to: even his own mom was a problem to her.  We all met at a restaurant the night my PopPop passed away 4 years ago and they had been dating about two years.  On their side of the table was his wife, him, his mom; when he got up to use the restroom, she switched his plate to his spot so he was sitting on the end alone and only next to her.  This could be one of the many reasons they're now separating.

    One time I went on a day trip to the beach with them and some of their friends, and my aunt and MomMom.  We went to a water park and they spent all day sitting in this one pool and rode maybe two rides.  She sat on his lap, too, and blocked his view of anything that could possibly walk by.  Girl has problems.
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  • I'm nasty. I'd so be causing visible walk bys.
  • There's this crazy social force that says not only must all young relatives be in the bridal party, but everyone you ever liked must be invited to the wedding.  Fi's family buys into this 100%.  It drives me crazy.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • There's this crazy social force that says not only must all young relatives be in the bridal party, but everyone you ever liked must be invited to the wedding.  Fi's family buys into this 100%.  It drives me crazy.
    Uggh this.  My mom always says, "How come x isn't invited?  You two are friends right?" Yes, mother, but not all 500 people I know are coming to my 125 person wedding..
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    phira said:
    I will never understand why the hell anyone ever assumes anyone is in a wedding party before asked.  Or even why people assume family have to be in it.

    I grew up with one male cousin and one brother.  I wasn't in my cousin's wedding, and I didn't expect to be because I am not close with the devil woman that he was marrying and he wasn't even allowed to talk to me because I'm a female (I won't get into that) so we grew apart, too.  Everyone in my family kept asking if I was upset that I wasn't in the wedding like I was 'supposed' to be in it or something...nope, do not care.  My cousin is also not in my wedding because, like I said, we grew apart. 

    My brother, on the other hand, is in my wedding, and I was in his.  We have always been very close and FI loves him, so it was an obvious choice.  My brother's wife is also in our wedding because I love her dearly.  Neither were asked just because they're family: both were asked because they kick ass.

    Also, "I can't say no" is the dumbest thing ever.  
    Not gonna ask, but dying over here because you're his COUSIN. Geez.
    His wife has some serious jealousy and control issues.  It wasn't just me he couldn't talk to: even his own mom was a problem to her.  We all met at a restaurant the night my PopPop passed away 4 years ago and they had been dating about two years.  On their side of the table was his wife, him, his mom; when he got up to use the restroom, she switched his plate to his spot so he was sitting on the end alone and only next to her.  This could be one of the many reasons they're now separating.

    One time I went on a day trip to the beach with them and some of their friends, and my aunt and MomMom.  We went to a water park and they spent all day sitting in this one pool and rode maybe two rides.  She sat on his lap, too, and blocked his view of anything that could possibly walk by.  Girl has problems.
    I always feel a little horrible when I say I'm glad to hear people are separating/getting divorced, but wowzers.

    Also, we called my great-grandparents MomMom and PopPop!
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  • I would say no to all but 2 people I love if they asked me to be a bridesmaid.  I learned my lesson.

    Anyone with a brain should be relieved not to be asked lol.

    I think the social expectations are held over from older generations, at least that's how it feels.

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  • I will never, ever, EVER again be a BM for anyone. Ever again. EVER.

    Just sayin'.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • I've turned it down every time I was asked to be a bridesmaid except for one. My friend and her husband had a civil ceremony with FI and I as their only witnesses, then went out for dinner. That was it. And no, they don't want a "real" wedding now. This is how they wanted to get married - minimal fuss/stress, and I was totally on board! I'm way too snarky to deal with bridezillas and tantrums.
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  • I've been a bridesmaid a total of 1 time and have no more single friends so I'm not worried that I'd ever be asked again.  If I were to be asked, she'd have to be a very very special person before I'd say yes.
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  • The first time I was a BM was for my sister (my only sibling, but she is also my BFF).  I was a Freshman in college so I had no expectations of being MOH because I was just trying to get through my first two months away from home.  Essentially, it was a great experience and I was so glad to be a part of that BP.

    Now I'm in my second for a friend who I've known since we were 3.  I want to shove pencils in my eyes every time my phone buzzes with yet ANOTHER group message or I hear yet another one of the bride's absurd "requests."  (I was also told by the bride that I wasn't "chosen" to be the MOH because I didn't ask to see her as soon as she got engaged.... we were both in different states on vacation at that time.)

    It's a shame that I feel like the role of BM is tainted now and I really want nothing to do with being in another wedding ever again.
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  • My mom was trying to force me to ask my childhood best friend. We are close but not in a way that makes me want to ask her. Our relationship consists of us texting each other harry potter jokes and facts and telling other really weird stories that happened during the day. We text several times a day, but it is never serious stuff. We rarely talk on the phone anymore and I hang out with her a few times a year. I want her to come to the wedding but not be in it.
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I definitely think that I will not immediately say yes when asked anymore. It's so easy to reply RIGHT away, especially to avoid hurting someone's feelings.
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