BM doesn't want to be in any photos

JasperandOpal

So the constant refrain is that a bridesmaid's job is to show up (sober) and wear the dress but I am wondering if part of that job is to be in pictures too. My sister is going to be a bridesmaid but she just informed me that she doesn't want to be in any pictures. I know traditionally we shouldn't ask people to not be in our bridal parties anymore but I just don't see how the photographer will be able to do his job and take pictures during prep etc. if he has to constantly make sure he isn't taking pictures of her. 

I don't want to ask her to not be a bm but do you think this will be a hard thing for the photographer to manage? I don't want to force her to be in pictures (and I don't think I could if i wanted to) but I don't want to lose what would otherwise be great shots because she might accidentally be in them. 

 So basically- how hard will it be for a photographer to work around my sister's request that she not be in photos? And if you think its too hard, what can I do so that I am not hurting her/being rude?

edited- spacing

Simply Fated

Is there a reason why she is refusing to be in any pictures? I'm so curious.

I would talk to your photographer about it. He might be able to use camera and editing tricks to keep her out of the shots.

I would also talk to her and let her know that at the very least she might end up in background shots, even just pictures taken by guests. is she okay with that?

I wouldn't kick her out of the bridal party over it, but I wouldn't necessarily rearrange the whole day just to keep making sure she's far away enough to not be in any of the shots.

JasperandOpal

That makes sense, I will call him tomorrow.  I think it was having a momentary freak out.  I definitely don't want to kick her out of the wedding party.

She has suffered from body image issues most of her life and has always struggled with being photographed but has been doing better in the past few years and was in photos at my brother's wedding two years ago so I thought she would be ok with being in a few at mine. 

I will definitely mention that I can't control if she is in background shots and just make sure she doesn't have to be in any other group/getting ready/etc. shots.

KeptInStitches

I hate photos, so I empathize with her. Is there a way you could limit the number of photos she's in? Maybe you could make some sort of a compromise where she's in several formal shots so you get photos with her, but she doesn't have to be in any getting ready shots, etc.

foxish

Simply Fated said:

Is there a reason why she is refusing to be in any pictures? I'm so curious.

I would talk to your photographer about it. He might be able to use camera and editing tricks to keep her out of the shots.

I would also talk to her and let her know that at the very least she might end up in background shots, even just pictures taken by guests. is she okay with that?

I wouldn't kick her out of the bridal party over it, but I wouldn't necessarily rearrange the whole day just to keep making sure she's far away enough to not be in any of the shots.

I'm sorry, as a graphic designer and commercial photographer, do you have any idea how much work you are talking about? Photoshop editing her out or blurring her out is going to look super weird and basically ruin your photos. If nothing else, it could end up looking like a photoshop fail because wedding lighting is not prime conditions (bright consistent lights, consistent backdrop, limited distracting items) for retouch photography.

The photog could not get her in frame sometimes, but it's generally a giant pain in the ass. I'd talk to her about why, but generally I wouldn't accommodate something that's pretty standard (going to a public event or special event).

Also, my close friend is a local wedding photographer and I texted her to see what she would charge to add on a "no-photograph" clause for a bridesmaid and she without pause said 50% more, at least.

Jen4948

JasperandOpal said:

That makes sense, I will call him tomorrow.  I think it was having a momentary freak out.  I definitely don't want to kick her out of the wedding party.

She has suffered from body image issues most of her life and has always struggled with being photographed but has been doing better in the past few years and was in photos at my brother's wedding two years ago so I thought she would be ok with being in a few at mine. 

I will definitely mention that I can't control if she is in background shots and just make sure she doesn't have to be in any other group/getting ready/etc. shots.

The bolded is about all you can do.

I've wondered about this issue myself since I'm not fond of posing for photos, but it does seem to me that wedding party members should expect to be in a few group photos at least.  I do think it's reasonable to not expect them to be willing to be photographed while getting dressed though.

QueerFemme

I agree with Foxish.  Don't ask your photographer to blur or crop her out.  That is going to be a huge pain in the ass, and if I were them, I'd charge you a huge premium. Photographing your wedding for 6-8 hours is only a portion of the work that goes into photography.  Editing is easily another 15-20 hours per wedding.   Adding in this extra task would probably double that.  Who wants to sift through 1,000 images to edit out one person?

Honestly, I don't know why she accepted being in the wedding party if she expects to be in ZERO photos. That sort of comes with the territory.  

MobKaz

If she is adamant that she not be photographed, I think the burden will have to be placed on her. The simplest and easiest way to avoid  being photographed is to have her limit her presence at the pre-wedding activities of getting ready and the pre-wedding customary group shots of the bridal party.

There is no way for the photographer to avoid or exclude her from group shots during the ceremony.  For your sister to insist that she not be in those photos is ludicrous.  The only way she can avoid that is by not standing with the bridal party during the ceremony.  If she chooses to do that, is there a point to her being a BM at all?  Does she plan on even excluding herself from family photos that day?

JasperandOpal

Thanks everyone, you've given me a lot to think about. 

I figured the photographer would not edit her out if she was in them, I would just ask the photographer how much of a pain it would be to minimize photos of her.  As some of you have pointed out though, it will be pretty hard for her to stand up near us at the ceremony and not be any photos.  

I think I will just talk to her about what she needs and whether she will "give" at all on some of the photos but if she won't, how do I best address that maybe she shouldn't be a bm as there is really no nice way to do that?

HaileyDancingbear

For WP photos that seems simple enough, you could let her know you're all off to take a few photos, so she can just hang out with the guests while the rest of the WP poses, or if you're not going anywhere special for the photos, she can just step out of the frame.  I assume she won't be joined at the hip with you all night so she won't mind stepping aside for a minute so she isn't in a photo.  As long as you let her know when you're going to be taking a photo, it should be simple enough for her to avoid being in them.

As for shots of the guests etc. I echo PP's in saying you can't really control if she's caught in the background, so if that would REALLY upset her it would have to fall on her to be aware of where the photographer is and step out of the frame- It's actually not that difficult, I do it all the time at work to avoid photobombing people's pictures of their kids.  Just let her know that she might get caught in a few background shots and if it truly bothers her she'll take it upon herself to kinda dodge the camera- you don't need to tell her to do so.

QueerFemme

JasperandOpal said:

Thanks everyone, you've given me a lot to think about. 

I figured the photographer would not edit her out if she was in them, I would just ask the photographer how much of a pain it would be to minimize photos of her.  As some of you have pointed out though, it will be pretty hard for her to stand up near us at the ceremony and not be any photos.  

I think I will just talk to her about what she needs and whether she will "give" at all on some of the photos but if she won't, how do I best address that maybe she shouldn't be a bm as there is really no nice way to do that?

I would say "I'm sorry you feel this way, but there us no way I can guarantee you won't be photographed. And I don't want to be stressed on my wedding day worrying about whether my photographer has sufficiently cropped you out. I hope that you can understand that you are very important to me, and I want you in some of my wedding photos. You are beautiful and we will make sure you are in a dress that you love. But that's all I can promise" and then wait for her reply.

JasperandOpal

Thank you @QueerFemme,  it seems silly that I would need someone else to come up with the right words to say to her but I think you hit it.

QueerFemme

Sometimes you are too close to the situation yo just state the facts. Really. That's all you have to do. If she throws a fit, let her.

foxish

QueerFemme said:

JasperandOpal said:

Thanks everyone, you've given me a lot to think about. 

I figured the photographer would not edit her out if she was in them, I would just ask the photographer how much of a pain it would be to minimize photos of her.  As some of you have pointed out though, it will be pretty hard for her to stand up near us at the ceremony and not be any photos.  

I think I will just talk to her about what she needs and whether she will "give" at all on some of the photos but if she won't, how do I best address that maybe she shouldn't be a bm as there is really no nice way to do that?

I would say "I'm sorry you feel this way, but there us no way I can guarantee you won't be photographed. And I don't want to be stressed on my wedding day worrying about whether my photographer has sufficiently cropped you out. I hope that you can understand that you are very important to me, and I want you in some of my wedding photos. You are beautiful and we will make sure you are in a dress that you love. But that's all I can promise" and then wait for her reply.

You have the best way with words!

Maggie0829

I am not a big fan of getting my picture taken either, but being in pictures just comes with the territory when you are in a wedding.  Sorry but I think she just needs to suck it up.  You can limit how many she is in, in regards to posed pictures but ceremony and reception pictures, you just can't control that.

Follow QueerFemme's advice and leave it at that.  The ball will be in her court, but honestly I think it would shitty of her to pull herself out of your wedding (her sister) because she doesn't want to have pictures taken of her.  Pictures that will really only be seen by family and pictures that will be hardly looked at after a year or two.

Liatris2010

QueerFemme said:

Thanks everyone, you've given me a lot to think about. 

I figured the photographer would not edit her out if she was in them, I would just ask the photographer how much of a pain it would be to minimize photos of her.  As some of you have pointed out though, it will be pretty hard for her to stand up near us at the ceremony and not be any photos.  

I think I will just talk to her about what she needs and whether she will "give" at all on some of the photos but if she won't, how do I best address that maybe she shouldn't be a bm as there is really no nice way to do that?

I would say "I'm sorry you feel this way, but there us no way I can guarantee you won't be photographed. And I don't want to be stressed on my wedding day worrying about whether my photographer has sufficiently cropped you out. I hope that you can understand that you are very important to me, and I want you in some of my wedding photos. You are beautiful and we will make sure you are in a dress that you love. But that's all I can promise" and then wait for her reply.

I think this is the best response. From personal experience, my mom "did not want to be photographed". Halfway through cocktail hour she was grabbing her friends and family and insisting the photographer get a picture of her " with my best friend / sister / nephews ". My mom is in plenty of photos, mostly her own doing. I'm guessing your sister will loosen up once she is surrounded by a bunch of happy people she knows. A glass of champagne or two might not hurt either.

PrettyGirlLost

JasperandOpal said:

So the constant refrain is that a bridesmaid's job is to show up (sober) and wear the dress but I am wondering if part of that job is to be in pictures too. My sister is going to be a bridesmaid but she just informed me that she doesn't want to be in any pictures. I know traditionally we shouldn't ask people to not be in our bridal parties anymore but I just don't see how the photographer will be able to do his job and take pictures during prep etc. if he has to constantly make sure he isn't taking pictures of her. 

I don't want to ask her to not be a bm but do you think this will be a hard thing for the photographer to manage? I don't want to force her to be in pictures (and I don't think I could if i wanted to) but I don't want to lose what would otherwise be great shots because she might accidentally be in them. 

 So basically- how hard will it be for a photographer to work around my sister's request that she not be in photos? And if you think its too hard, what can I do so that I am not hurting her/being rude?

edited- spacing

It's your sister's job to make sure that she isn't in any pictures, then.  She is the one with the issues being photographed.

It's not the photographers responsibility to shoot around her.  And it's silly to think that they can and would simply edit her out- that shit is tricky to do and it will be costly for the OP.

As a BM, I hated having my picture taken while I was getting ready, so I made sure to step out of the room or at least the shot once the photographers arrived.  It's not that hard.

OP, just be sure to warn your sister of the photographers arrival and let her know that it is ok with you if she steps out and doesn't participate in the getting ready "candid" shots.  I would also let her know that there is the possibility that she will be in shots taken during the ceremony.

I would also ask her if she would be able to handle being in a few posed portrait shots, and if not, then respect her issues and don't force her to take those photos with you.

PrettyGirlLost

JasperandOpal said:

Thanks everyone, you've given me a lot to think about. 

I figured the photographer would not edit her out if she was in them, I would just ask the photographer how much of a pain it would be to minimize photos of her.  As some of you have pointed out though, it will be pretty hard for her to stand up near us at the ceremony and not be any photos.  

I think I will just talk to her about what she needs and whether she will "give" at all on some of the photos but if she won't, how do I best address that maybe she shouldn't be a bm as there is really no nice way to do that?

You don't.  You need to spell it all out for her and then let her decide if she can handle being a BM or not.

Tell her, "Sister, I understand you have body image issues and hate to be photographed.  I don't expect you to participate in any of the pre-ceremony photos, like the "candid" getting ready shots, or portraits of the BMs and the Bride.  However, it will be your responsibility to make sure that you are not in any of those photos.  The photographer will not try and shoot around you. 

Also, you will most likely be in many of the photos taken during the ceremony- it's unavoidable if you are standing up at the altar with the other BM's and me.  If you are not comfortable with that, it's fine by me if you would like to sit in the 1st pew with our parents.

I love you and I would really, really like to take a few photos with you on my wedding day, if you are up for it.  I hope that you will consider being in a few portraits with me before and after the ceremony, but ultimately the choice is yours and I will understand if you decline."

zizibet

I love QF with the flame of a thousand fiery suns. Follow her advice.

QueerFemme

zizibet said:

I love QF with the flame of a thousand fiery suns. Follow her advice.

That sounds pretty serious.