Should the mother of the groom attend the shower... ?

oliviahardt

RebeccaFlower

I think you're being unreasonable. I think if you breathe one word of this to someone else, they will think you're being petty. 

RebeccaFlower

oliviahardt said:

I am marrying my fiancé in 25 days and my wedding shower is scheduled at a local country club (across the street from fiances parents home) next weekend. I consider myself a very laid back person who is easy to please... But the other day my fiancee mom casually mentioned she would not be attending my shower. I asked why and she said because her husband doesn't want to go on a trip (for renewing his ophthalmology education, which he no longer practices) alone. I could tell once she saw my face she was kind of wavering and said maybe she would ask him to fly directly and could stay and attend my shower. I spoke with my mom and best friend about this and they were both appalled that she would not attend my shower... She still has not even met my mom and his parents have made no attempt to do so. 

I told my fiancé how I felt and that I was really looking forward to introducing our moms before the day we walk down the isle and he said he would say something. Last night when I brought it up again he said she still wasn't going to be able to make it, because his father doesn't want to fly- he wants to drive and doesn't want to go alone. I pretty much told him that everyone was shocked she wouldn't be attending and it is kind of a big deal for the mothers of the bride and groom (if local) to be there.  He said he would talk to them again... But I'm not sure it will go far. 

This is my fiances second marriage and he has 3 kids (who I love and are all in the wedding) from his previous... I have never been married and don't have children, so I understand it is not their first go round... But it is mine and I will be their daughter in law.

 I've always gotten the feeling my fiances father doesn't like me because he sometimes speaks to me as if he is looking down on me. I think he may be controlling this situation. 

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? I tried not to let it get to me, but the more I think about it, the more it hurts my feelings. Am I being totally unreasonable or are my feelings justified?

JIC.

crunchymamaof2

You're being super unreasonable. It's important for her to be at the wedding not a shower. And honestly a shower is a crappy time to introduce the mothers, why not he everyone over for dinner one night instead?

melbelleup

I agree. You're definitely being unreasonably. No one has to attend any shower. Would it be nice, sure, but they don't have to if they can't make it work in their schedule. And about the parents meeting, no big deal. My FI's mom is all about wanting to meet my family, but we haven't had time to make it happen. My dad's response "No biggy, even if I don't like them, I'll pretend to like them because they're your inlaws" Parents don't need to meet. the end.

kmmssg

You are entitled to your feelings on this but I would advise you to keep them quiet among your family and friends.  And, also to stop pursuing this.  

My DD's shower is this Saturday and I have never met the MOG.  She will not be attending (lives one state over) and I most likely won't meet her til the rehearsal and dinner.  DD tells me she is a nice lady and is very kind to her.  That is what I care about.  DD also tells me she is a lady in her mid-late 50's who acts likes she is 70.  She and her husband are apparently pretty tight homebodies.

Let go of the fantasy of "the moms meeting" - it will happen when it happens.  It would be nice if she could attend but she is stuck between you and her husband and she chose her husband.  That happens a lot when you get married.

Let it go and don't take it so personally.  I will again mention that you need to not go on and on about this with your mom and friends.  Do not portray your FMIL in a bad light as it will cause long-standing opinions of her that are not justified by missing a shower.

theartistformerlyknownas

Totally overreacting. Invite all the parents over for dinner if you want them to meet so badly, but they really don't even need to. And shower attendance is certainly not mandatory for anyone. Just be grateful someone volunteered to host you one (I hope), and wish your FILs a safe trip.

mbross3

I understand your disappointment that your FMIL might not attend your shower, but I agree with PP who say you should let this go. It's pretty unreasonable to demand that anyone attend your shower, however I do understand why you might expect that certain people will be there, and are surprised when they decline. That being said, no one has to come to a shower and if your FMIL has other plans, you cannot demand that she change them. Honestly bringing this up to her could be quite rude, especially if you are doing it multiple times. Let it go. The most important thing is that she is there at the wedding. 

Are your parents local as well? I don't think that showers are the best time to introduce your mothers for the first time. I think, if at all possible, that should happen at a time both you and your FI can be there. Can you take both your families out for a nice dinner? Or invite them to your place for dinner one night?

HisGirlFriday13

I also think you're over-reacting and you risk coming across as petty if you pursue this.

It seems stupid, yes, that your FFIL won't fly to the location, or travel alone, but for whatever reason, he won't, and you can't change his mind. 

If you keep pushing your FI to push his parents on this, you're going to alienate them. Just let it go.

Is is odd? Yes. But I assure you, everyone will be side-eyeing your FMIL, not you. 

grumbledore

oliviahardt said:

I am marrying my fiancé in 25 days and my wedding shower is scheduled at a local country club (across the street from fiances parents home) next weekend. I consider myself a very laid back person who is easy to please... But the other day my fiancee mom casually mentioned she would not be attending my shower. I asked why and she said because her husband doesn't want to go on a trip (for renewing his ophthalmology education, which he no longer practices) alone. I could tell once she saw my face she was kind of wavering and said maybe she would ask him to fly directly and could stay and attend my shower. I spoke with my mom and best friend about this and they were both appalled that she would not attend my shower... She still has not even met my mom and his parents have made no attempt to do so. 

I told my fiancé how I felt and that I was really looking forward to introducing our moms before the day we walk down the isle and he said he would say something. Last night when I brought it up again he said she still wasn't going to be able to make it, because his father doesn't want to fly- he wants to drive and doesn't want to go alone. I pretty much told him that everyone was shocked she wouldn't be attending and it is kind of a big deal for the mothers of the bride and groom (if local) to be there.  He said he would talk to them again... But I'm not sure it will go far. 

This is my fiances second marriage and he has 3 kids (who I love and are all in the wedding) from his previous... I have never been married and don't have children, so I understand it is not their first go round... But it is mine and I will be their daughter in law.

 I've always gotten the feeling my fiances father doesn't like me because he sometimes speaks to me as if he is looking down on me. I think he may be controlling this situation. 

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? I tried not to let it get to me, but the more I think about it, the more it hurts my feelings. Am I being totally unreasonable or are my feelings justified?

She doesn't have to be there.  It's perfectly reasonable for her husband to not want to travel alone and for her to accompany him.  There is no reason that your mothers need to meet before the wedding.

You're a grown-up, this isn't something you need to worry about.  It's not like you're ten years old sleeping over for the first time and your parents need to get to know each other.  Take deep breath and move on.

MrsMack10612

I came for the DD, but will add:

My mom didn't meet my MIL until the wedding day.  His mom didn't come to my shower, his parents didn't come to the rehearsal or dinner.

We all live in different states and my mom was unable to travel for the last 3 years (we worked out special arrangements so she could attend shower/wedding).

This is not a big deal and by pushing the issue the way you have, you come off as petty.

Maggie0829

Yes, you are being unreasonable.  And deleting your post is pointless since you have been quoted. If my MIL was not able to attend my shower I would not have blinked an eye.

There is nothing to handle except for you to get over it and have fun at your shower.

Oh, and stop assuming crap about your FFIL, because that will just not end well.  And even if he is controlling this situation then that is your FMIL issue not yours.

HisGirlFriday13

@RebeccaFlower, for the win! Quoted JIC, and we had a DD!!

RebeccaFlower

*deep gracious bow* I had a feeling! Drama llama. 

RedJacks25

MadHops21

Came for the title change. Very obvious. And I still know everything since it was quoted.  

WinstonsGirl

DD already??  Us west coasters get up later y'all!!   

OP, not a big deal.  My MIL and SIL didn't come to any pre-wedding stuff.  In fact I had only met her once before we got engaged and maybe 1-3 times before the wedding.  Please remember that your wedding is not at the top of everyone's priority list, and they have things that are important to them too.  

As for FFIL, when telling a story, my best friends Dad will stare at you and make "Mmm hmm" noises every 3 seconds, making it feel that you need to hurry up and stop wasting his time.  It's actually his way of showing he's interested and listening.  It took me a long time to realize that he wasn't just a jerk in that sense.  Please don't assume you know what FFIL is thinking unless he's come out and told you.  

doeydo

hyechica81

my mil wont be coming to the shower shes an older women in her mid 70s who had my fi later in life she is set in her ways and hardly goes anywhere unless its to her 3 day a week job teaching aquatics, the grocery store, church, and drs appointments. i have invited her to every one of my family holidays and she has declined all of them. my parents have yet to meet her 4 years later and shes not even sure shes going to the wedding of her only son ( sad yes but you cant change someone overnight) 

HisGirlFriday13

WinstonsGirl said:

DD already??  Us west coasters get up later y'all!!   

OP, not a big deal.  My MIL and SIL didn't come to any pre-wedding stuff.  In fact I had only met her once before we got engaged and maybe 1-3 times before the wedding.  Please remember that your wedding is not at the top of everyone's priority list, and they have things that are important to them too.  

As for FFIL, when telling a story, my best friends Dad will stare at you and make "Mmm hmm" noises every 3 seconds, making it feel that you need to hurry up and stop wasting his time.  It's actually his way of showing he's interested and listening.  It took me a long time to realize that he wasn't just a jerk in that sense.  Please don't assume you know what FFIL is thinking unless he's come out and told you.  

But @RebeccaFlower quoted, so you didn't miss anything! 

MNVegas

If it was so important to have your FMIL at your shower, why didn't you check dates with her ahead of time. She is not required to be at your shower and rearrange her plans for you. You are just creating your own drama by constantly making your FI talk to her. Let it go! 

Enjoy your shower and your moms can meet at the wedding. It really isn't that complicated.

phira

This is actually one of the reasons I don't like pre-wedding events (one of MANY reasons). Not everyone can attend every event; it's more important that they be able to attend the wedding.

Cookie Pusher

If people keep DDing, we might run out of puppy gifts...

beharrington

Am I the only one who would have been super psyched if my MIL had chosen not to attend my shower?

Instead, she came, ignored me as much as possible, and made sure everyone knew that showers are rude and white people are greedy.

There was an upside: We played the game where the hosts had asked DH questions ahead of time and then asked me to guess what his answers were and the guests to bet if I was right or wrong.  Last question was who wears the pants in the relationship.  I said that I do and she was all up in arms and insisted he wouldn't say that.  She was then super disgusted when DH said on the video that I wore the pants in the relationship.

See what drama you could be avoiding????

WinstonsGirl

WinstonsGirl said:

DD already??  Us west coasters get up later y'all!!   

OP, not a big deal.  My MIL and SIL didn't come to any pre-wedding stuff.  In fact I had only met her once before we got engaged and maybe 1-3 times before the wedding.  Please remember that your wedding is not at the top of everyone's priority list, and they have things that are important to them too.  

As for FFIL, when telling a story, my best friends Dad will stare at you and make "Mmm hmm" noises every 3 seconds, making it feel that you need to hurry up and stop wasting his time.  It's actually his way of showing he's interested and listening.  It took me a long time to realize that he wasn't just a jerk in that sense.  Please don't assume you know what FFIL is thinking unless he's come out and told you.  

But @RebeccaFlower quoted, so you didn't miss anything! 

Yes, I meant to thank everyone for quoting.  

happywiggle

beharrington said:

Am I the only one who would have been super psyched if my MIL had chosen not to attend my shower?

Instead, she came, ignored me as much as possible, and made sure everyone knew that showers are rude and white people are greedy.

There was an upside: We played the game where the hosts had asked DH questions ahead of time and then asked me to guess what his answers were and the guests to bet if I was right or wrong.  Last question was who wears the pants in the relationship.  I said that I do and she was all up in arms and insisted he wouldn't say that.  She was then super disgusted when DH said on the video that I wore the pants in the relationship.

See what drama you could be avoiding????

^^I was thinking the same thing regarding not coming

HisGirlFriday13

Ditto the not coming. Count your blessings.

beharrington

HisGirlFriday13 - right?!?!?!

HisGirlFriday13

A.men @beharrington. I mean, at my bridal shower, BBC granny was going on and on about how she wished DH had married his high school sweetheart and how they had been so good together and on and on and on.

I would gladly have had her not host it in exchange for her not attending and me not having to hear that.

cruffino

I would be hurt if my MIL didn't attend the shower. I think your feelings are valid. It would make me feel like she didn't support the marriage.

I travel for work regularly, and while I would love DH to join me, it's not reasonable most of the time.

pinkshorts27

My FMIL cannot come, because she is dead. At least your FMIL will be attending the wedding. In the scheme of things ti really does not matter at all if she attends or not.  

My dad hates traveling alone, so does my mother. Mostly because they both hate traveling. They don't mind it as much together. Neither parent would skip out on traveling for a shower because they are pretty shy in public and don't like big groups. My mom would send an extra big present and that would be that. She would be extra sure not to go if the bride was being petty and throwing a fit about it, because that attitude isn't attractive on anyone.