The Long Walk Down the Aisle

perdonami

Please forgive me if this has been asked hundreds of times, but I am little concerned about walking down the aisle for my ceremony. Recently, I have made it quite clear that I am NOT walking down the aisle with my father as we have a very strained relationship. Everyone in my family and who is close to me knows about my unstable relationship and why. 

After I explained to my aunt (his sister) I will not be walking with him, she said she understood why where she then proceeded into a rant about how he needs to get his teeth fixed, lose some weight, buy nicer clothes... I just nodded and expressed I'd rather walk down the aisle with my older brother but that he refused saying that I need to walk with our father. She stated she understood his reasoning, as it was a slap in my father's face. Hmmm... okay am I being a bridezilla by refusing? 

Well, soon after my conversation with my aunt, she paid for my dad to have dental implants and gave my brother money to buy him a suit for the wedding. Admittedly, I got super annoyed and paranoid and called my aunt to make sure she wasn't doing all these expensive gestures in order for me to feel more comfortable walking with my dad down the aisle. I explained its not how he looks but rather his current substance abuse and resulting bad childhood that has left me feeling uncomfortable with him. She said that her gestures had nothing to do with me and all about him feeling comfortable at the wedding. 

My aunt started gossiping about me to relatives and now family members have been subtly asking who am I walking with. Every time I made a suggestion I was shot down for being rude. Everyone I have spoken too, including my fiance, have stated I either walk with my dad or I walk alone. Its been getting so bad I am beginning to feel like everyone will be frowning upon me each step down the aisle if I walk alone. Now, this is all really bumming me out because I really don't want to walk alone but it seems like the only option would be with my father. Unfortunately, walking with my father is absolutely not an option. Now do I sound like a bridezilla?

Is it really awful and rude to walk down the aisle of your wedding ceremony with another person other than the father if he is still alive?

happywiggle

perdonami said:

Please forgive me if this has been asked hundreds of times, but I am little concerned about walking down the aisle for my ceremony. Recently, I have made it quite clear that I am NOT walking down the aisle with my father as we have a very strained relationship. Everyone in my family and who is close to me knows about my unstable relationship and why. 

After I explained to my aunt (his sister) I will not be walking with him, she said she understood why where she then proceeded into a rant about how he needs to get his teeth fixed, lose some weight, buy nicer clothes... I just nodded and expressed I'd rather walk down the aisle with my older brother but that he refused saying that I need to walk with our father. She stated she understood his reasoning, as it was a slap in my father's face. Hmmm... okay am I being a bridezilla by refusing? 

Well, soon after my conversation with my aunt, she paid for my dad to have dental implants and gave my brother money to buy him a suit for the wedding. Admittedly, I got super annoyed and paranoid and called my aunt to make sure she wasn't doing all these expensive gestures in order for me to feel more comfortable walking with my dad down the aisle. I explained its not how he looks but rather his current substance abuse and resulting bad childhood that has left me feeling uncomfortable with him. She said that her gestures had nothing to do with me and all about him feeling comfortable at the wedding. 

My aunt started gossiping about me to relatives and now have family members subtly asking who am I walking with. Every time I made a suggestion I was shot down for being rude. Everyone I have spoken too, including my fiance, have stated I either walk with my dad or I walk alone. Its been getting so bad I am beginning to feel like everyone will be frowning upon me each step down the aisle if I walk alone. Now, this is all really bumming me out because I really don't want to walk alone but it seems like the only option would be with my father. Unfortunately, walking with my father is absolutely not an option. Now do I sound like a bridezilla?

Is it really awful and rude to walk down the aisle of your wedding ceremony with another person other than the father if he is still alive?

No, it's not. I believe you should walk with whomever YOU want to walk with you, be it your brother, your mom, or anyone else.

FWIW, I'm either walking myself or with my grandfather.

manateehugger

Dude, just stop talking to your family about this - like yesterday. It's none of their business. Have a heartfelt conversation with your brother, and if he unfortunately says no again, you can't do much about that. 

Stop talking to everyone else and checking in - you're inviting drama. 

And you're allowed to walk with anyone you chose (and they agree). 

STARMOON44

That's nonsense and I'm annoyed at your fiancé. You can walk with whomever you want and an obvious option would be your fiancé but apparently he's unavailable for that duty due to him being a jerk.

HisGirlFriday13

Absofuckinglutely not. And if I were you, I'd be disinviting your aunt. Yeah, it's a relationship-ending move, but it sounds like no big loss.

No one should judge you for walking down the aisle by yourself. If that's what you want, go for it.

Btw, your fiance is full of shit. There are lots of other options. You can walk with your mother. You could walk with your FI. If your aunt weren't being a bitch, you could walk with your brother.

LOTS OF OPTIONS! Don't be made to feel bad about a choice you're making that you're happy with.

KGold80

Wow! So sorry you're going through this mess! FWIW, my dad walked me down the aisle at my first wedding and I am now in my 30s with a child, so I think it is weird to have him do it again. I'm fine with walking alone though, but it sounds like you are uncomfortable with it and I'm sorry that your brother has been unnecessarily pressured into refusing to walk with you. You should be able to walk with whomever you choose (or nobody) without fear of being judged by people who are supposed to care about you. Your aunt doesn't sound like a very nice person. If it were me i would disinvite her.

Again, I am so so sorry! Keep your head up...you'll figure it out.

jules3964

I recently went to a wedding where the bride walked down the aisle with her MOH (best friend). Would this be an option for you? Or your Mom? I say you can pick anyone you want!

HaileyDancingbear

My completely honest, blunt opinion on this, is that you are surrounded by jerks who gossip like teenagers (Seriously, this sounds like high school shit.)  Your aunt is manipulative as all hell (And frankly lying about the fixing teeth etc. not being about trying to get your dad to walk you down the aisle) and frankly, if I were you, I wouldn't want her in my life- life is way too short to spend around people who stir shit up and cause you misery. 

Do not change your plans for them.  Do what YOU want and what makes YOU happy.  This is one of those instances where "It's my wedding, and I will do what I want" is completely acceptable.  If they want to be all upset that you refuse to sweep your relationship with your father under the mat and pretend all is well by letting him walk you down the aisle, then that is entirely their problem, let them be upset.  If they get upset enough to not come, then good riddance, you'll have fun without them.

pinkshorts27

jules3964 said:

I recently went to a wedding where the bride walked down the aisle with her MOH (best friend). Would this be an option for you? Or your Mom? I say you can pick anyone you want!

i would totally do this!

WinstonsGirl

You can walk down the aisle with anyone you want, or you can walk alone.  I've also heard of the couple walking each other down the aisle.  Another poster walked with the mascot from her University.  I think the photos are on Chit Chat.  Go with whoever you are comfortable with

MamaAlly89

I am in a similar situation where my father will be a guest at the wedding but not involved in the wedding at all. At the beginning I was really afraid something similar might happen to me where everyone attending who doesn't know the story of mine and my fathers relationship might judge me for not letting him walk me down the aisle. I have come to the conclusion that this is one thing that you can't worry about what your guests are going to think. You have to do what is right for you. If you want your brother to walk you down the aisle then that is who should be doing it. And your fiancé should understand and be supportive of that.

mbross3

I'm sorry everyone is giving you so much trouble about this!

You can absolutely walk down the aisle with whoever you want, or alone! Honestly the most shocking part about this, for me, is that your FI doesn't have your back. He should be supporting whatever your decision is in this situation and I would sit down with him and have an honest conversation about how not having his support is making you feel. You're planning to marry this man and he won't support your decision about who is walking you down the aisle?! this is not ok. 

I stood up in a friend's wedding this winter where he walked down the aisle with his partner. It was really lovely. Could you suggest something like that to your FI? If he wants to be down at the end of the aisle watching you, maybe you could ask your mom (if your close to her?) or do you have a sister? (since your brother said no!?!). 

Again, so sorry, but just remember that this is completely up to you!

QueerFemme

I'm with PDKH.  STOP talking to people about your choices. If someone asks you, say "I'm not sure. I think I'm going to walk myself down the aisle".  

I had my best friend/MOH walk me down the aisle, mostly, to keep me from falling.  But, you can certainly walk down by yourself.

Here is a photo of my bestie and I.  Someone doesn't have a penis to walk with you. 

lc07

You don't even have to walk down the aisle. We all just started up at the front. No big entrance.

JCbride2015

QueerFemme said:

I'm with PDKH.  STOP talking to people about your choices. If someone asks you, say "I'm not sure. I think I'm going to walk myself down the aisle".  

I had my best friend/MOH walk me down the aisle, mostly, to keep me from falling.  But, you can certainly walk down by yourself.

Here is a photo of my bestie and I.  Someone doesn't have a penis to walk with you. 

But how can they keep me from falling if they don't have a magical third leg?

@QueerFemme Every time you post another pic of your wedding, I swoon a little.  You and your friend look so happy and gorgeous.  And your shoes!  Those shoes!!

OP, you can walk with anyone you want and your aunt sounds like a jerk.  Your Fi should be supporting your decision, not gossiping about it with your family.

QueerFemme

JCBride2014 said:

QueerFemme said:

I'm with PDKH.  STOP talking to people about your choices. If someone asks you, say "I'm not sure. I think I'm going to walk myself down the aisle".  

I had my best friend/MOH walk me down the aisle, mostly, to keep me from falling.  But, you can certainly walk down by yourself.

Here is a photo of my bestie and I.  Someone doesn't have a penis to walk with you. 

But how can they keep me from falling if they don't have a magical third leg?

@QueerFemme Every time you post another pic of your wedding, I swoon a little.  You and your friend look so happy and gorgeous.  And your shoes!  Those shoes!!

OP, you can walk with anyone you want and your aunt sounds like a jerk.  Your Fi should be supporting your decision, not gossiping about it with your family.

Awwww. thanks. It was hilarious and fun. I wish I could post video... my friend promised not to let me fall, and she tripped twice, so I ended up holding HER up.  the last time she tripped, I caught her and propped her back up, and all of our guests cheered. It was pretty funny

 

ETA:.. yeah... the shoes were pretty badass.     

AroundTheBlock

First of all, no: it is not awful and horrible to decide for yourself who,  if anyone, will accompany you down the aisle. It need not even be a man: your mother could escort you. It need not even be a family member: your best friend or Maid-of-Honour could walk beside you instead of in front of you.

Now, that being said: it is tradition that a father walks his daughter down the aisle and hands her off to her husband. So if you do something different, people are going to read something into your choice. They may infer you to be saying "that man is not a father to me". On the other hand, if you are known for your feminism for example, they may infer you to be saying "I am not any man's property to be handed off as if I were a used car!" Obviously, members of your extended family are busy inferring things as hard as they can.

In a dysfunctional family, usually all relationships are conflicted, not just one. Your brother should normally be honoured to be asked to escort you, but his relationship with his father is just as fragile and complicated as your is, even if his way of dealing with it is different. Your request plays into that complexity and may be more than he can deal with. Similarly your aunt's relationship with her brother is complicated -- she sounds like she may be a "fixer" and is "fixing him up" prior to your wedding. Don't get involved in any of those interactions. There is only one relationship you need to focus on: your own relationship with your husband-to-be.

Come to think of it, there is no reason why your husband-to-be cannot walk you down the aisle. You might want to consider that. It would be a very powerful symbol of where your commitments lie, and of your commitment NOT to let your birth-family's relationship patterns repeat into another generation. Is that something you might do?

perdonami

PDKH said:

Dude, just stop talking to your family about this - like yesterday. It's none of their business. 

Stop talking to everyone else and checking in - you're inviting drama. 

That's some really good advice and I may just show this to my fiance so he can get off my back about this whole walking down the aisle business. 

perdonami

mbross3 said:

I stood up in a friend's wedding this winter where he walked down the aisle with his partner. It was really lovely. Could you suggest something like that to your FI? If he wants to be down at the end of the aisle watching you, maybe you could ask your mom (if your close to her?) or do you have a sister? (since your brother said no!?!). 

Again, so sorry, but just remember that this is completely up to you!

Unfortunately, I have a small family where my mother has also been absent from my life since I was 14 (I'm 29). No sisters either. I'd like to ask a close family friend that has known me my whole life. I thought it would be so special, in fact just the thought of it makes my teary, but I fear the consequences now. What if I got another, no? It would devastate me. What if he says yes? Deal with the wrath?

 

perdonami

QueerFemme said:

I'm with PDKH.  STOP talking to people about your choices. If someone asks you, say "I'm not sure. I think I'm going to walk myself down the aisle".  

I had my best friend/MOH walk me down the aisle, mostly, to keep me from falling.  But, you can certainly walk down by yourself.

Here is a photo of my bestie and I.  Someone doesn't have a penis to walk with you. 

You both were absolutely gorgeous in that photograph.

perdonami

JCBride2014 said:

OP, you can walk with anyone you want and your aunt sounds like a jerk.  Your Fi should be supporting your decision, not gossiping about it with your family.

Oh, the fiance is not gossiping!! Sorry for the confusion! I do agree though my aunt is mean and I think he just doesn't want to rock the boat or get on her bad side. He has issues with conflict... And the more I read everyone's comments and I am starting to think I do too. 

perdonami

AroundTheBlock said:

First of all, no: it is not awful and horrible to decide for yourself who,  if anyone, will accompany you down the aisle. It need not even be a man: your mother could escort you. It need not even be a family member: your best friend or Maid-of-Honour could walk beside you instead of in front of you.

Now, that being said: it is tradition that a father walks his daughter down the aisle and hands her off to her husband. So if you do something different, people are going to read something into your choice. They may infer you to be saying "that man is not a father to me". On the other hand, if you are known for your feminism for example, they may infer you to be saying "I am not any man's property to be handed off as if I were a used car!" Obviously, members of your extended family are busy inferring things as hard as they can.

In a dysfunctional family, usually all relationships are conflicted, not just one. Your brother should normally be honoured to be asked to escort you, but his relationship with his father is just as fragile and complicated as your is, even if his way of dealing with it is different. Your request plays into that complexity and may be more than he can deal with. Similarly your aunt's relationship with her brother is complicated -- she sounds like she may be a "fixer" and is "fixing him up" prior to your wedding. Don't get involved in any of those interactions. There is only one relationship you need to focus on: your own relationship with your husband-to-be.

Come to think of it, there is no reason why your husband-to-be cannot walk you down the aisle. You might want to consider that. It would be a very powerful symbol of where your commitments lie, and of your commitment NOT to let your birth-family's relationship patterns repeat into another generation. Is that something you might do?

What you described is a very concise description of my dysfunctional family. And you are right, I should not let anyone impact how feel or what I do on my wedding day.  I think I just need reassurance that I am not being rude or acting like a bridezilla given the overwhelming response to my decision to not walk with my dad and instead walk with someone else. 

As for walking with the maid of honor, I think it may mess up the conceive dynamic I have for my wedding. I'd like the best man to escort her down the aisle, but I guess that is a minor detail that I could adjust.

QueerFemme

perdonami said:

JCBride2014 said:

OP, you can walk with anyone you want and your aunt sounds like a jerk.  Your Fi should be supporting your decision, not gossiping about it with your family.

Oh, the fiance is not gossiping!! Sorry for the confusion! I do agree though my aunt is mean and I think he just doesn't want to rock the boat or get on her bad side. He has issues with conflict... And the more I read everyone's comments and I am starting to think I do too. 

I think you hit the nail on the head.  You have to stop running your ideas by anyone.  And keep in mind. This is just a walk down the aisle.  It doesn't mean someone doesn't love you, or care about you, or whatnot. It's about 18-45 seconds of your entire day.    You walk by yourself every day without an escort. 

You could change your setup so everyone walks single file.  And, then you come in last after your MOH, all by yourself. All eyes on you. 

huskypuppy14

The fact that your FI doesn't support you in this decision is a major red flag.

QueerFemme

laurynm84 said:

The fact that your FI doesn't support you in this decision is a major red flag.

I wouldn't call it a red flag, but he shouldn't be telling you who you can and cannot walk with (your dad, or alone!).  that's bullshit. As long as you make it to the front of the aisle, he doesn't get a say as to how that happens.

HisGirlFriday13

I reiterate uninviting your aunt. And I also reiterate that it's a problem that your FI doesn't have your back on this. He needs to be more afraid if you being upset by someone than he is of conflict.

You both definitely need to stop telling people about your plans as though you need someone's approval, because you don't. Not at all. Any decision you make about this is entirely your own.

But as much as you both hate conflict, you really need to address this with your aunt, quell the gossip, and tell her that this is not up for discussion.

lilacck28

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Absofuckinglutely not. And if I were you, I'd be disinviting your aunt. Yeah, it's a relationship-ending move, but it sounds like no big loss. No one should judge you for walking down the aisle by yourself. If that's what you want, go for it. Btw, your fiance is full of shit. There are lots of other options. You can walk with your mother. You could walk with your FI. If your aunt weren't being a bitch, you could walk with your brother. LOTS OF OPTIONS! Don't be made to feel bad about a choice you're making that you're happy with.

Eh. I understand that maybe the aunts bad-talking could have been the catalyst for your brother's decision, but, I would be pretty mad at him regardless, for not listening to your reasons and shaming you. He is an adult, yes? His aunt and her opinions/ nastiness is not what is precluding him from honoring your wish. He is. And I agree with other PP, I'd be mad at your fiance for adding on to the pile of shame when he should be the first person to listen to your feelings and support your decisions. 

lilacck28

To clarify: you are allowed to ask anyone to walk you down the aisle. S/he is allowed to say no. It is very rude, however, to shame you for asking them and not following their version of "father or no one" tradition. 

s-aries8990

The fact that your fiance doesn't have your back must be very hurtful! I think that it is something you need to have an ugly talk about.

You can walk with whomever you want. I feel like that other friend whom you would like to escort may NOT say no. You said "no" to dad, and brother said "no" to you as a sort-of revenge for dad. Friend isn't involved in the family drama.

This is ONE of the very few time where you can say it's your wedding and you can walk with whoever the FUCK you want to.

mbross3

perdonami said:

mbross3 said:

I stood up in a friend's wedding this winter where he walked down the aisle with his partner. It was really lovely. Could you suggest something like that to your FI? If he wants to be down at the end of the aisle watching you, maybe you could ask your mom (if your close to her?) or do you have a sister? (since your brother said no!?!). 

Again, so sorry, but just remember that this is completely up to you!

Unfortunately, I have a small family where my mother has also been absent from my life since I was 14 (I'm 29). No sisters either. I'd like to ask a close family friend that has known me my whole life. I thought it would be so special, in fact just the thought of it makes my teary, but I fear the consequences now. What if I got another, no? It would devastate me. What if he says yes? Deal with the wrath?

 

When you asked your brother the first time, did you explain to him your choice--not that it needs validation by any means, but maybe it would help him to understand what you're feeling? I don't know if I would ask my brother again if he said no the first time, I would be really hurt. 

In this case I think your most solid option is always to walk by yourself down the aisle. I also think walking with your MOH might be a good idea (if you have one). 

themuffinman16

Your aunt was not there, everyday, as you had to deal with your father's issues.  Even if he is on the road to recovery, it does not undo the damage his addiction has done.  

   I am having my grandpa walk me down the aisle, instead of my father.  My father, also, did not deserve the honor.  Several people disagreed with me.  I stopped sharing that information with everybody and only told my Grandpa, who I wanted to walk me down the aisle. This is where you get to say, "It's my day, it should go how I want it."  The ceremony is about you and your FI, if you are not doing anything to breach etiquette (not enough chairs, tiered reception), go for it.  Having your father walk you down the aisle, with your relationship,  seems like putting on a show.  It isn't genuine.  Go with your heart, you will look back on this day with love and not regret,

   To the aunt, and anyone who has disagreed with you, I would say, "Our problems are between him and I, I don't think we will resolve them by the wedding. If we were to reconcile, I wouldn't want to to have a time limit, to be in a better place." To anyone else you haven't shared with, keep your cards close to your vest.  They will know your father isn't walking you down the aisle when you have someone else standing with you, on your wedding day.