Not having a rehearsal dinner, do we have to host OOT the night before?

EverAfer

Had a debate with a friend. Are you required to host family and OOT for dinner the night before the wedding? Is it an etiquette issue or it would be nice if... And does it matter if you are providing lodging, food and transport for as long as OOTs are in town? In this instance, I'm classifying OOT as more than 2 hours drive.

pinkshorts27

No you are not required. It is nice, but totally not required.  We are still debating whether to do that or not. 

Cookie Pusher

You are not required to host any additional events for your guests other than the reception. Is it a nice gesture? Sure. But only if it's within your budget. As a guest, I don't expect anything other than to be properly hosted at the wedding.

manateehugger

Nope. You're not required to host people the night before; it's a nice gesture, but not by any means necessary. 

And also no, you are not required to provide transportation or accommodations or food (what?) to OOT guests.   

AroundTheBlock

In general -- not just for the case of weddings, but among people who follow everyday etiquette on an everyday basis -- when friends or family come in to town, they should be hosted by their friends and family who live in town. Obviously, any prior engagements that you may have take priority. Obviously there are circumstances where you cannot offer more than to meet for coffee, or even just a bit of advice on which restaurant or hotel is most comfortable. But it is a social obligation to do what you can for visitors.

Since weddings are just a particular event in the overall course of everyday life, the same etiquette prevails: out-of-towners should be hosted by those who live in town. That does not necessarily mean that you have to be the one taking responsibility for them. If they -- and you -- have other friends and family in town, those others who are not busy preparing for their own wedding in the next day or two, should step forward and pick up their share of the social duties.

Jen4948

AroundTheBlock said:

In general -- not just for the case of weddings, but among people who follow everyday etiquette on an everyday basis -- when friends or family come in to town, they should be hosted by their friends and family who live in town. Obviously, any prior engagements that you may have take priority. Obviously there are circumstances where you cannot offer more than to meet for coffee, or even just a bit of advice on which restaurant or hotel is most comfortable. But it is a social obligation to do what you can for visitors.

Since weddings are just a particular event in the overall course of everyday life, the same etiquette prevails: out-of-towners should be hosted by those who live in town. That does not necessarily mean that you have to be the one taking responsibility for them. If they -- and you -- have other friends and family in town, those others who are not busy preparing for their own wedding in the next day or two, should step forward and pick up their share of the social duties.

Bullshit.  It's a caveat for out-of-towners that if they accept invitations to a wedding, they are only entitled to expect hosting during the reception-no other time.  No one is obligated to entertain someone else during the rest of their stay just because they are from out-of-town.

s-aries8990

AroundTheBlock said:

In general -- not just for the case of weddings, but among people who follow everyday etiquette on an everyday basis -- when friends or family come in to town, they should be hosted by their friends and family who live in town. Obviously, any prior engagements that you may have take priority. Obviously there are circumstances where you cannot offer more than to meet for coffee, or even just a bit of advice on which restaurant or hotel is most comfortable. But it is a social obligation to do what you can for visitors.

Since weddings are just a particular event in the overall course of everyday life, the same etiquette prevails: out-of-towners should be hosted by those who live in town. That does not necessarily mean that you have to be the one taking responsibility for them. If they -- and you -- have other friends and family in town, those others who are not busy preparing for their own wedding in the next day or two, should step forward and pick up their share of the social duties.

NOPE.

You definitely are not required to host OOT guests. I think that if you're not having a rehersal, it might be nice to host something OR meet up with people for drinks (and maybe buy a few apps) but you are certainly not required to host a gathering for them.

TheGrimReaper

Honestly, when we go OOT for a wedding, I prefer not to be invited to the rehearsal dinner.  We flew to Dallas for a wedding last year and took advantage of the free night in a new city to go to an AMAZING restaurant downtown.

mbross3

AroundTheBlock said:

In general -- not just for the case of weddings, but among people who follow everyday etiquette on an everyday basis -- when friends or family come in to town, they should be hosted by their friends and family who live in town. Obviously, any prior engagements that you may have take priority. Obviously there are circumstances where you cannot offer more than to meet for coffee, or even just a bit of advice on which restaurant or hotel is most comfortable. But it is a social obligation to do what you can for visitors.

Since weddings are just a particular event in the overall course of everyday life, the same etiquette prevails: out-of-towners should be hosted by those who live in town. That does not necessarily mean that you have to be the one taking responsibility for them. If they -- and you -- have other friends and family in town, those others who are not busy preparing for their own wedding in the next day or two, should step forward and pick up their share of the social duties.

RIGGGHHHTTTTT! Oh goodness, what if your OOT friend/family member brings their SO with them?! Do you first judge the "seriousness" of their relationship before deciding whether to host both of them or just the friend/family member you know best? 

Why do you stay on the etiquette board, ATB?

ETA: OP- you don't have to host your OOT guests other than the reception. Of course it's a nice gesture if you can, but not required. 

doeydo

Even if you were having a rehearsal dinner, the only people you would be 'obligated' to invite would be those included in the actual rehearsal ie. wedding party and their SOs.  So no, you don't have to do anything with or for the OOT guests besides the actual wedding.

ei34

You're definitely not required to host OOT guests for anything but the wedding. I know some PP have said "no, but it's a nice gesture", but IMO even that's a know-your-crowd thing. I typically only attend an OOT wedding if it's a good destination and I can make a mini-vacation out of it. I much prefer going out on my own than a wedding-related activity. It's your call though, good luck!

MrsMarende

Cookie Pusher said:

You are not required to host any additional events for your guests other than the reception. Is it a nice gesture? Sure. But only if it's within your budget. As a guest, I don't expect anything other than to be properly hosted at the wedding.

THIS. You are only required to host them for the ceremony and reception times. Anything prior to that is their responsibility. 

I would put something either in your invitations or on your wedding website with some of your favorite activities or restaurants in the area to make things easier, but even this is not required! 

JellyBean52513

For the record, OP... if you are having a rehearsal, you have to have something afterwards to thank the participants for taking their time to do it. It can be as simple as pizza at someone's house or hotel, but you have to host them somehow if you're going to ask for their time to do the rehearsal.

Your OP only mentioned the dinner, so I can't tell if you're just forgoing the rehearsal itself (which is totally fine if you are)

EverAfer

We are not having a rehearsal.

The original plan is that family from OOT would be coming in for a long weekend or a few weeks (older folks) and friends would just be in for a short/long weekend.  So we would hang out with them separately before or after the wedding depending on their visits, but didn't see the need to host dinner the night before for half of our guest list.

That was the premise of the debate, that any OOT would have to be "properly" hosted the night before since they traveled for the wedding.

PrettyGirlLost

What ATB is saying is not totally ridiculous- she is saying that in any type of social situation, if you have guests coming in to visit with you from OOT, the polite thing to do is to host them in some way. . . so take them out to dinner, invite them to dinner at your home, etc.

However, within the context of a wedding, you don't have to do this, even if you are having a rehearsal and an RD.  Because if you think about it realistically, if a couple were to host all OOT guests the night before their wedding, they would essentially be having and paying for 2 receptions, and that is just silly and a waste of money.  Who can afford something like that?  Not me!

Should you make an effort to meet up with your OOT guests the night before and just say "Hey." Meh, as the bride and groom I think that is also unrealistic, although it would be polite. 

Inkdancer

People are coming in from out of town to be at your wedding. You are hosting them at your wedding. I don't understand why you would need to offer them any other hosting in addition.

ashleyep

What ATB is saying is not totally ridiculous- she is saying that in any type of social situation, if you have guests coming in to visit with you from OOT, the polite thing to do is to host them in some way. . . so take them out to dinner, invite them to dinner at your home, etc.

However, within the context of a wedding, you don't have to do this, even if you are having a rehearsal and an RD.  Because if you think about it realistically, if a couple were to host all OOT guests the night before their wedding, they would essentially be having and paying for 2 receptions, and that is just silly and a waste of money.  Who can afford something like that?  Not me!

Should you make an effort to meet up with your OOT guests the night before and just say "Hey." Meh, as the bride and groom I think that is also unrealistic, although it would be polite. 

I think it's a nice gesture to visit with your OOT guests independently of the wedding, but that doesn't mean you have to invite them to the RD. Technically you are hosting them when they're in town - at your wedding.

Jen4948

PrettyGirlLost said:

What ATB is saying is not totally ridiculous- she is saying that in any type of social situation, if you have guests coming in to visit with you from OOT, the polite thing to do is to host them in some way. . . so take them out to dinner, invite them to dinner at your home, etc.

The hosting of out-of-town guests takes place at the wedding reception, just as with every other guest.  They are not entitled to additional hosting beyond that.  It's nice to do, but it's not always practical, especially for the couple and their parents, and there is no etiquette requirement that it happen.

lc07

PrettyGirlLost said:

What ATB is saying is not totally ridiculous- she is saying that in any type of social situation, if you have guests coming in to visit with you from OOT, the polite thing to do is to host them in some way. . . so take them out to dinner, invite them to dinner at your home, etc.

However, within the context of a wedding, you don't have to do this, even if you are having a rehearsal and an RD.  Because if you think about it realistically, if a couple were to host all OOT guests the night before their wedding, they would essentially be having and paying for 2 receptions, and that is just silly and a waste of money.  Who can afford something like that?  Not me!

Should you make an effort to meet up with your OOT guests the night before and just say "Hey." Meh, as the bride and groom I think that is also unrealistic, although it would be polite. 

We hosted all 75 OOT guests the night before our wedding (our wedding was 110 guests). We didn't have a huge budget. But I found a super inexpensive dress, cut videography from our budget, my H wore a suit he already owned, we picked a venue where we could bring in our own alcohol for both the welcome dinner and reception and nixed a honeymoon to make it work. I agree that it is not required per etiquette but it is do-able.

SP29

Agreed that even if you did have a rehearsal dinner, that you would not be required to host OOT guests at the RD- the rehearsal dinner is to thank those who came to the rehearsal.

The reception is to thank those who came to your ceremony.

No additional hosting is needed. Of course it is always nice to host family and friends for any reason, it is not required and if I were an OOT guest, I would not expect anything from the B&G, as I assume they are busy getting ready for the next day! I'm an adult and can amuse myself- a guest should be aware if they are from OOT that includes finding a hotel and feeding them self other than the wedding.

If you'll notice from ATB's post, she said that the hosting of OOT guests does not fall solely to the B&G (though really, the B&G are already hosting the OOT guests at the reception)- the OOT guest could stay with a friend or family member of their own. It's a nice gesture. But still, these people are adults and can take care of them selves for a night or two.